I've made a complete mess of my life. Seriously considering suicide.

[Chris715]

Hey LS, it's been awhile since I've been on here or posted anything but I needed a place to vent today and well, here I am.

 

Mental illness has gotten increasingly worse for me over the last couple of years. I was halfway through college in 2012 when depression and severe social anxiety started to take hold on my life. I met my first girlfriend that summer at a part time job and looking back I realize I really just used her as a band aid for my depression, making my happiness dependent on her. As a result I probably started to come off as weak, clingy, and needy and she broke up with me that fall.

 

That started a horrible, painful year in my life in 2013 where the two of us couldn't let go of each other completely (she also suffered from depression, and would reach out to me even when we were broken up). Looking back it feels like I drove myself to the brink of insanity over her. Trying to get back together, trying to figure out with she was dating anyone else, thinking I would never meet anyone else. Long story short my depression and social anxiety worsened, my self esteem plummeted, and so did my grades in school.

 

In early 2014 the depression and mental illness was no better even though I probably tried to convince myself I was doing OK. I was still failing in school, took a semester off and was put on academic probation, and focused on my part time job as an outlet. There at least I had some friends and was able to socialize. To summarize another painful year for me, I started dating another girl I met at my job over this last summer and the exact same mistakes with my first relationship were repeated. She also suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts (big shocker, it seems I attract these women) and used me for emotional comfort and nothing else, and the preceded to leave me for my boss.

 

Again I was devastated over all of this, and looking back I probably overreacted to the whole situation. I quit my job on the spot after learning about it and that leaves me where I'm at right now. I don't care about either of my past relationships now, but the way I handled both poorly, and their negative impact on my life is definitely affecting me now. My self esteem has never been lower, I'm suffering from depression, anxiety, and severe OCD, kinda feels like I'm close to a mental break and I have no idea what to do.

 

I've tried applying for jobs over the last few months but it's been hard with my mental state. For example, I'll get job interviews and offers and then try to go to them, only to work myself into a panic attack. I'm trying to get re accepted to my college for the spring semester but I don't even know if that's going to happen with my academic probation. I'm facing financial problems, school problems, a dwindling social life, and I've basically given up on ever meeting a girl that I can be happy with.

 

I once heard someone say something along the lines of: people don't become suicidal just because they are unhappy or have some problems in their lives, those things are usually temporary. What really does it for people is when they feel like they have no future, and that their situation is hopeless.

 

This is exactly how I'm feeling today and I see nowhere to go from here. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I realize a lot of this is probably a rambling mess but I needed to put some thoughts down. More and more I'm thinking about possible ways to kill myself. Even if I don't know if I'll do it right now, I feel like I need a way out if things continue the way they are.

Edited October 27, 2014 by Chris715

[Arieswoman]

Hi Chris, and I'm sorry you feel like this.

 

Please do get professional help. Talk to your physician or counsellor and your family - you shouldn't go through this alone.

 

You may need a review of your medication, so make an appointment NOW.

 

In UK there is a voluntary organisation called "The Samaritans" who offer a listening ear to those who feel suicidal. I don't know if there is something similar in USA, maybe someone from "across the pond" can advise?

 

Good luck.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Chris! you are not hopeless! I have been where you are (circumstances) and worse! Yep! And had depression and anxiety along with it. I am fine now and there is great hope for you!

 

Nedley Depression Recovery Program | Mental Health Residential Program

 

This is the best program out there and has helped me tremendously! Developed by Neil Nedley, MD.

 

You can google Dr. Nedley and also listen to him on Youtube to find out more.

 

This program is unbeatable!

 

You are in my prayers, dear Chris! :):)

[LivingWaterPlease]

PS. Just want to mention I also went on meds before I found this other program and the meds just made my situation worse. Not telling you what to do, just sharing my experience.

 

I'm totally medication free and have been for years. At one time suicidal, I now have people, ask me why I'm always so upbeat! I say this not to boast but to let you know there is great hope for you!

[d0nnivain]

Do not kill yourself. Your situation can be fixed but you have to be here to fix it. If you are still in school go to your mental health center & talk to them. Call your parents & see what assistance they can provide. Call a suicide hotline if it comes to that.

 

Hang in there!

[loversquarrel]

suicide is not the answer. Please give yourself a chance. I suffer from anxiety/depression/ocd. It came on in my thirties for no real explanation. I have difficulty just getting out of bed and living life at times. It's tough but sometimes you just have to push yourself. You need the help of a therapist.

[avintagegirl]

Hi Chris,

 

Its good too meet you and I am glad you posted here! Reading your post I remembered a time in my life when I too was having pretty nasty bout of anxiety related depression. It felt like I was on guard constantly for the next bad thing to happen and feeling so damn lost and I didn't know where to go. My classes and grades weren't in hot shape (I nearly lost a scholarship that I desperately needed) and I was just in a constant anxious state.

 

It wasn't the first time, I'd been there. I was there in my early 20s when my dad died. Back then I would be driving home and would have suicidal thoughts. God only knows what kept me on the road those nights.

 

I had a couple of outlets that helped me through. The first time I was able to go to the doctor and get on an anti-anxiety drug and it helped me to calm down long enough to handle life situations.

 

The second time, I didnt have insurance so drugs werent an option. At that point I made use of the couseling office at school. You should see them if you can. It could really help you.

 

I know you can't see it now, but you DO have a future. You are halfway though college, this is awesome! I know the situation there seems bleak, but go and talk to the people there. Tell them what is going on and you want help. They will help you. I have worked in academia for a long time and people there tend to have good hearts and want to help. If they can't help directly - they might be able to give you other resources.

 

If you are anything like I was the getting there seems insurmountable. But Chris, I know you can do this. You are probably thinking how does some stranger on the internet know? I know the way the other posters do, we've been there. Plus, you came here. You want someone to hear you - and this is a great start. I'm happy you posted. You have also tried to get re-accepted and you are applying for jobs. You want more than you have today, and this is a start.

 

I really hope there is someone at your school you can talk to, or they can direct you to another source. There is so much beyond today. There is so much beyond tomorrow.

 

I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

[Chris715]

Thanks for the replies everyone. It helps to know that some people care, even if it is a bunch of anonymous strangers on a forum. Things are a little better than they were. I got re accepted to my university even though I'm still on academic probation, so I'll have to do pretty well in classes this semester. I followed through on a part time job and got hired. I'm still around $2K in debt due to being and idiot with spending since I got a credit card a few years ago when I was 20 (believe me, I've learned my lesson), but it's a start.

 

So these are definitely positive things. Still, can't shake a feeling of depression and loneliness tonight. I'm not on medication and I don't want to be on any. I don't think I should be relying on medication to be happy.

 

Anyway, just an update to let everyone know I haven't gone and done anything crazy, thanks for listening.

[Gofsttrnlft]

I have to tell you that I was very happy to read your last response!! Relieved would be a better word to describe it! While I do not have any advice to give you that you probably have not already heard, I will say hang in there! Work on yourself and please realize things can and will get better!

[SoleMate]

Chris, I care about you. Please call a hotline and talk to them. I realize you posted a more positive post, but these feelings may return and I want you to have a number in your pocket that you can dial when/if they do.

[Richiebuoy]

I don't know the answers Chris but please accept my best wishes and good luck for the future.

[dclan]

 

In early 2014 the depression and mental illness was no better even though I probably tried to convince myself I was doing OK. I was still failing in school, took a semester off and was put on academic probation, and focused on my part time job as an outlet. There at least I had some friends and was able to socialize. To summarize another painful year for me, I started dating another girl I met at my job over this last summer and the exact same mistakes with my first relationship were repeated. She also suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts (big shocker, it seems I attract these women) and used me for emotional comfort and nothing else, and the preceded to leave me for my boss.

 

 

To be honest, I actually think that you ARE doing pretty "ok".

 

I mean, yes your life is completly ****ed up at this moment, yet you've somehow managed to have enough sanity to actually try to fix it. Most people would give up by just a third of the things you are dealing with.

 

That takes balls.

 

Even so more, you managed to get laid while facing all this problems! I get that it sucks that you had another break up, but at least you were getting some while trying to work through all of these things. Most people I know that go through "rough patches" don't even have the time or mental strenght to invest it in a relationship.

 

Seriously, its like despite all the problems you had (financial, academic, romantic, etc.), you still made yourself time to try to fix ALL OF THEM.

 

Most people don't even try to fix their lives, because its easier to complain.

 

Those few that try, only try fixing 1 aspect, either they focus on romance or school, but NEVER both. Too hard for most people.

 

You didn't. You took all those challenges head on.

 

So I know that you will get out this, because you seem that kind of guy

 

And yes, its going to be hard right now. Its going to suck, and its going to be a pain in the ass.

 

But you'll make it.

 

The power of believing in yourself and not giving up, is the power to conquer everything

 

And you sir, you know that by instinct.

Edited October 31, 2014 by dclan

[avintagegirl]

So glad to hear this!!!! I am so proud of you. You followed through and that is so hard when you are in a difficult mental state.

 

 

 

So these are definitely positive things. Still, can't shake a feeling of depression and loneliness tonight. I'm not on medication and I don't want to be on any. I don't think I should be relying on medication to be happy.

 

I get this, I do. What I will say is that sometimes its hard to get to that other side without help - at least it was for me. For me it wasn't until I took something to help my anxiety that I could get a grip on my situation and start to deal. It wasn't something I stayed on for long- just long enough to help.

 

I am not saying you need to or should be taking something, certainly not, just to saying don't rule it out if it comes down to it.

 

Again, I am so please to hear such positive news. High fives all around!!

[avintagegirl]

To be honest, I actually think that you ARE doing pretty "ok".

 

I mean, yes your life is completly ****ed up at this moment, yet you've somehow managed to have enough sanity to actually try to fix it. Most people would give up by just a third of the things you are dealing with.

 

That takes balls.

 

 

Yep. This! It sure as heck does.

 

 

Seriously, its like despite all the problems you had (financial, academic, romantic, etc.), you still made yourself time to try to fix ALL OF THEM.

 

Most people don't even try to fix their lives, because its easier to complain.

 

Those few that try, only try fixing 1 aspect, either they focus on romance or school, but NEVER both. Too hard for most people.

 

You didn't. You took all those challenges head on.

 

So I know that you will get out this, because you seem that kind of guy

 

And yes, its going to be hard right now. Its going to suck, and its going to be a pain in the ass.

 

But you'll make it.

 

The power of believing in yourself and not giving up, is the power to conquer everything

 

And you sir, you know that by instinct.

 

 

By the end of this post I was fist pumping. Dclan is spot on. If someone said this about me, I would print it out and post it and read it when the days got hard.

 

I second Dclan's words - you will make it. We believe in you!

[Ronni_W]

I was halfway through college in 2012 when depression and severe social anxiety started to take hold on my life.

Chris,

This may sound severely nuts, but are you open to going against the currently-accepted medical model of depression and considering the idea that some forms of depression may be closer to addictions than what the medical model is trying to portray?

 

If so, and only if so, you could consider attending an AA meeting. Obviously, at some point, you'll need to say to the group something like, "I'm Chris and I'm NOT an alcoholic but I want to explore my 2+ years of depression in terms of it potentially being something like an addiction" -- so that could get really tricky.

 

There real problem is that...there are few other options available to people who suffer from depression. It's like, "Shut up and take this anti-depressant...or just shut up."

So we do need to venture off the beaten path, as it were. I'm not saying that AA is your answer, either. But it's out there and freely available, so just maybe it's a different place to start (other than the medical).

 

My guess and assumption is that you likely have more to live for than to die for. But the medical/pharmaceutical model, as a whole, doesn't seem too concerned about that, for us on our individual levels. Or, it IS concerned but doesn't do too much of a good job expressing or supporting its concern.

 

Personally, I think that suicide is an extremely personal and 'free will' choice and decision. But I'd hate for it to happen for lack of having explored all other avenues and options.

 

You come across as smart, reasonable and caring. Just because the medical model is letting you down, is no reason to give up on the rest of us.

Does this make any sense, Chris?