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Husband leaves to go drinking and stays gone for hours.


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My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs, and we have two girls; ages 4 and 15 months. My husband has been leaving, drinking then coming home a few hours later. This has happened twice over the past few days, the latest time being tonight. The first time he did it, he came home, passed out then in the morning apologized profusely for his actions. I thought it was just a bad night because we had been arguing, but he did it again tonight. He picked a fight tonight then left again. I think he's cheating, but I don't have any real evidence except for the "signs", like how he's acting and me having a gut feeling. We live in center city Philadelphia so we never use our car, and we live within walking distance of all the restaurants and night life. He leaves around 7-8 pm so it's not like I can bring my girls out in search of what he's really doing.

 

Anyway, he's still gone. He won't answer my calls, and we're talking through text but he's just calling me names and wanting to argue. I'm so sick of his behavior. He wants to behave like he's young and single but he's not, of course (he's in his forties). I have no family around; all of my family lives over 2000 miles away. I don't know what else to do other than kick him out. I don't work, so I'm just at a loss on what to do. I don't think this behavior is ok, and I'm not going to stand for it but I have nowhere to go. I just tried to all him again and this is what happened: It rang, and he didn't answer. I called back a few minutes later, and he picked up but hung up right after (no answer). I called back 1-2 minutes later and his phone is turned off. I tried back a few minutes after that to see if I was calling when he was trying to call me, but no, his phone is still off. What do I do? I know it seems obvious that he's cheating, I'm just at a loss and I'm having anxiety from this.

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I don't know the full story, but from what you've written here, there isn't much evidence he's cheating. Do you have other reasons to believe this? What were you arguing about? It could be that he's stressed and feels the need to get away for a bit. I'm not defending his actions but maybe he just needs some time to think about things and he'll be ready to discuss things with you this weekend.

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sdrawkcaB ssA

He is showing signs of aggravation for something he has not brought up. Did you have some sort of accusation before this happened? Yes, this type of emotional abuse can be from guilt in cheating, but it can also be high stress levels at work or he feels like he'll be terminated. There are many reasons for this, the only way to see what the issue is, is to talk when he is sober and willing.

 

before you let it get too far, I would look into a place to stay with your children. Obviouly he will come home drunk... just do you want him to be confrontive around your children, or are you willing to lock his arse out for the night, if he plans on coming home before morning.

 

Do think about how this affects your children as they will know by how you are dealing with such abuse. You may not see it, but to shut you off completely and be drunk on perpose does do damage, whether you see it or not.

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The only stressor I can think of is that his son (from my husband's previous marriage) is in college and they've argued a lot lately. I've been there to listen when my husband gets mad, and he usually takes it out on me eventually. It may not be at first, but he always does. You see, his son disrespected me over the summer and my husband stood up for me. That's not the reason why he and his son fight now, his son has behavioral problems, but I always get blamed in the end. His son and I have since repaired our issues but I think my husband has underlined issues to deal with himself. I'm no psychiatrist, but my husband wasn't there emotionally for his son throughout his son's life. My husband is emotionally abusive at times, something he learned from his parents and he's struggled with alcohol off and on his adult life. We've been to marriage counseling, and while it works for a little while we never stick through it in the long run.

 

I've definitely thought how this behavior affects our children. I know they can sense when we are angry and it tears me up because I see my husband's past making full circle (from his parents to his children). I love my husband and want our marriage to work, but I love my kids more. I don't want them to grow up thinking that arguing and drinking is ok. It's now after 11 and he's still not home. It looks like I'm going to have to lock him out. This is ridiculous. Where, on one side, I see he may have emotional issues right now, it's not ok to just come and go as you please like he has no cares or responsibilities.

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sdrawkcaB ssA

I understand... yes his son being in between you both, is aggravating him to no end. Having a disrespectful older son is trouble that only your husband can manage. Unfortunately he is not doing a proper job of it.

 

the best thing to do is find a counsellor or shrink to help him deal with his issues. Also a AA support group, as he seems too easy to go off and drink.

 

You must be careful about dealing with this, as he may feel backed against the wall, have a strong mind, and do what is best in caring for you and your children.

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Update: He finally came home at 11:45 drunk. He called me all kinds of vile names and then spit on me. I told him to get out of my house, and I was locking him out. He laughed and said he was going have sex with his girlfriend and I'm just a fat ----. I told him "sorry you feel that way" and locked up the door behind him.

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sdrawkcaB ssA

I had a suspicion it would not be nice. Glad you kept your cool, so to speak. Take a hot soak in the tub, and have a phone near by, just in case. Then get some rest, you need to be fresh in the morn for your children.

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AshR7,

 

Update: He finally came home at 11:45 drunk. He called me all kinds of vile names and then spit on me. I told him to get out of my house, and I was locking him out. He laughed and said he was going have sex with his girlfriend and I'm just a fat ----. I told him "sorry you feel that way" and locked up the door behind him.

 

This ^^^^ is abuse. There is no excuse for this behaviour. However, I think there is something else going on here.

 

My husband is emotionally abusive at times, something he learned from his parents and he's struggled with alcohol off and on his adult life.

 

You chose to marry a man with a drink problem and now you are suffering the consequences - you need to stop putting up with this.

 

At the moment there are no consequences to his bad behaviour so he has no reason to change. I would get advice from a lawyer, and AA.

 

Above all else you must protect your children or they will think (like he does) that verbal abuse is OK because Mom puts up with it.

 

Good luck.

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Update #2: After all morning of him living in denial, and accepting zero responsibility for his actions last night, he just came by to collect his belongings. I left with my girls while he did, and came back just as he was leaving. The girls really didn't seem to be upset that he was leaving. I didn't want them to be disrespectful or not love their father. I didn't make a big deal of him leaving in front of our kids, and told them to kiss daddy before he left. I come from a divorced mom and dad, so I know not to talk bad about their father. He and I didn't fight as he was leaving; he said bye and I said bye too and he left.

 

I'm staying strong by going through everything he did and said last night. It's best that I kicked him out, as he needs to realize that that kind of behavior won't be tolerated anymore. Thank you to everyone's opinions, I just wanted to update you all.

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Update #2: After all morning of him living in denial, and accepting zero responsibility for his actions last night, he just came by to collect his belongings. I left with my girls while he did, and came back just as he was leaving. The girls really didn't seem to be upset that he was leaving. I didn't want them to be disrespectful or not love their father. I didn't make a big deal of him leaving in front of our kids, and told them to kiss daddy before he left. I come from a divorced mom and dad, so I know not to talk bad about their father. He and I didn't fight as he was leaving; he said bye and I said bye too and he left.

 

I'm staying strong by going through everything he did and said last night. It's best that I kicked him out, as he needs to realize that that kind of behavior won't be tolerated anymore. Thank you to everyone's opinions, I just wanted to update you all.

 

Good on you! You've done the right thing.

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Hes not gonna stop until something serious happens and he gets a wakeup call, u need to put a stop to it and if u cant get out of dodge. As an ex alcoholic, i can tell u the only one that can save himself is himself, nothing will stop the drinking unless he wants it to stop.

 

I wish my wife would left me for good back when i was first starting and we foughtabout it, she stayed and allowed it to happen and 13 yrs later we finally split, i finally stopped, a little too late, the love was gone, i regret all of it, every single time night wasted drinking.

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Update: He finally came home at 11:45 drunk. He called me all kinds of vile names and then spit on me. I told him to get out of my house, and I was locking him out. He laughed and said he was going have sex with his girlfriend and I'm just a fat ----. I told him "sorry you feel that way" and locked up the door behind him.

I'm sorry this has ended up this way for you. Before I read this I was going to post that the behavior you described in your first post was something that I've heard alcoholics do. It's called "See what you made me do." Essentially the alcoholic picks a fight and then storms out and has an excuse to spend the evening drinking.

 

I think it is quite possible that your husband may love you despite having said some really horrible things to you. Again, the purpose may be to be kicked out of the house so he can have an excuse to drink. Whether or not you decide to have anything to do with him, there is an organization called Al-anon for families of alcoholics that might help you deal with all of this.

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Update #2: After all morning of him living in denial, and accepting zero responsibility for his actions last night, he just came by to collect his belongings. I left with my girls while he did, and came back just as he was leaving. The girls really didn't seem to be upset that he was leaving. I didn't want them to be disrespectful or not love their father. I didn't make a big deal of him leaving in front of our kids, and told them to kiss daddy before he left. I come from a divorced mom and dad, so I know not to talk bad about their father. He and I didn't fight as he was leaving; he said bye and I said bye too and he left.

 

I'm staying strong by going through everything he did and said last night. It's best that I kicked him out, as he needs to realize that that kind of behavior won't be tolerated anymore. Thank you to everyone's opinions, I just wanted to update you all.

 

 

Good for you in being so strong and courageous!!!

 

Now change the locks so he can't walk in any time he wishes and abuse you further.

 

Move money into your name only or it will be gone - and hurry!!!

 

Update when you can.

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GirlStillStrong

No person who spit on me would ever be given the opportunity to do so again. No matter his reasoning or excuse.

 

I've heard of people spitting on their spouse before and have witnessed that that kind of thing does not get better over time, only worse. When a person shows you who they are, believe them.

 

You sound like a strong woman. Good for you.

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My dad used to pick a fight to leave the house and go out and drink - he was an alcoholic.

 

Honestly, his behaviour is despicable and you're better off without him.

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