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Moving-On ~ How long is too long?


Slippery_Slope

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Slippery_Slope

Hi everyone - I'm newbie here so this is my 1st post. :D Spent quite a bit of time reading other threads, but think my situation has a different twist and would appreciate any comments/suggestions. :D

 

I know moving-on after a divorce or relationship ends is very painful and different for everyone. But relative to just about everyone else, I'm beginning to believe I better start learning to accept the very real possibility that there will never be another woman in my life as long as I'm alive. It's already terribly lonely, but I'm OK with learning to live with that as long as I know that's just the way some people are wired and there's not much (if anything) that can be done about it. But I think I owe it to myself just to get some closure on that question so I can move-on by either (1) accepting that's the way it will be or (2) perhaps begin some sort of psychotherapy aka "talk therapy" to possibly get back to whatever might seem normal if such a thing exists.

 

To put things in perspective, my 1st and only wife and I were together for 14 years and now divorced just over 7 years. And for those entire 21 years I've never even kissed another woman on the lips, let alone anything else. Hard to believe for a 60's-70's teenager but it's true. While some people might think 7 years is a bit long, that's not very far out of the ordinary for me. I've never been a girlfriend hopper, so up until meeting my wife at 41, being girlfriendless for 1-4 years was completely normal. But for some reason those wonderful women kept me around for sometimes 4-5 years so I must have done something right. :) Shortly (about 2 years) after our divorce, isolation and loneliness got the better of me, so I went on 1 date with someone who found my profile on the internet and after a few chats wanted to meet me. Nice woman, very attractive, highly educated, well traveled, established professional and close to my type, but just before I left, we just parted with a nice hug. Reading women is not my forte, but I suspect she might have answered her phone if I called. But I didn't feel that it would be very fair to waste her time if I didn't feel ready to give without holding back. So that's the beginning and end of my dating life in the 7 years since my divorce. Wow! :eek:

 

With more loneliness choking me, a few months ago I thought I'd once again test the water to see if time made any progress. So I joined Match.com but just can't convince myself to do anything other than pass along a few nice words about something in the profiles of some women I found attractive and would like to know a little more about. Then I just let it go without any follow up except maybe a few texts back and forth. I never asked for any phone number but a few just gave them to me probably as a nice friendly gesture. Even if I were to go on a date, I don't think there's even a remote possibility of anything more than a French "double cheek kiss" no matter how attractive she was to me. So sad to say but that's where I am. Something else that might be relevant is that I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and OCPD after being taken to the hospital for my 1st suicide attempt right before our marriage began to crumble. Sometimes even with medication, Bipolar can be like an emotional roller coaster ride where everything (especially feelings) are magnified. Everybody has gets depressed and has ups & downs, but we feel more on both ends, so the highs are higher and the lows lower. Apparently I've got some company because I met a few women in one of my support groups that were divorced over 10 years and are just now beginning to think about dating again.

 

It's really hard to keep a 10 year story short, so sorry about the long post. There's nothing in this world right now that would give me more pleasure than just holding a woman that I care about on more than a friendship level. So if I haven't put you all to sleep by now, I'd love to hear any comments, suggestions or feedback about any of your own experiences and where I might take it from here.

 

Thanks and kind regards...

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You didn't say as much, but I'm assuming you can't move on because you still love your ex-wife? Or is it that the whole ordeal was so traumatic that you can't stop thinking about it, the same thoughts return every day and keep you paralyzed? Or both?

 

If there's any element of the latter after 7 years and you feel plagued by repetitious thoughts, you could have ptsd, but not necessarily. It's usually associated with physical trauma, but you can get it other ways.

 

I could say you need to see a therapist, but you're going to spend a lot of money to hear yourself talk, and they don't all give feedback or offer any advice or techniques, so it's the luck of the draw. Strictly speaking therapists aren't supposed to offer much advice, so you're in for a long haul of seeing if all the self-reflection will prove useful.

 

Instead, I recommend the same thing here as I recommend for every breakup and every bad life episode: Make yourself learn to live again. Don't let yourself sit around for any more years not enjoying life. It doesn't mean you have to go out and date, but you need to be deliberately and on an everyday basis waking up with the thought: What do I have to look forward to today? And the night before, you need to plan that answer. "Oh, today I am going to the library for a new book," "Today I am going to the car show," "Today I am having a beer with Fred," "Today I'm going to the arboretum." These mostly need to be activities where you leave the house and go somewhere or have a visitor. They need to be social activities.

 

The way to crowd out old memories is to build pleasant new memories. Now, that may sound cliche, but it's true. Your brain can't let one situation take up all of its resources if you continually make it process new and fun situations. So you need to get busy filling up your brain with hobbies and friends and fun, even if you don't "feel like it." Because that's the danger: You get in a rut and stay there and the longer you're there, the harder it is to climb out. Make yourself live life now. Don't worry about romance or the lack of it for now. Just stay busy doing fun things and let that heal you some.

 

And if you have a home and lifestyle where you could care well for a dog or cat, get a pet.

Edited by preraph
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tobrieornottobrie

Have you considered going through some sort of counseling or therapy? It may be helpful just to have someone to listen as you talk through some of the things that you mentioned in your post. Best of luck and blessings to you!

 

~ the brie's cheese news ~

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Slippery_Slope

Thanks preraph for spending so much time with such a detailed reply and lots of suggestions!

 

You didn't say as much, but I'm assuming you can't move on because you still love your ex-wife? Or is it that the whole ordeal was so traumatic that you can't stop thinking about it, the same thoughts return every day and keep you paralyzed? Or both?

 

It's taken a lot of work, but I don't believe I still love her because if I did, wouldn't I have thoughts of wanting to see her again? Right after our separation I felt I had to permanently cut the cord with NC if I were to have any hope of staying out of the hospital and hope I never accidentally run into her. But I think there's a lot of merit to some possible PTSD going on. Losing my wife was the final blow that sent me over the cliff, but it was preceded by a job & career loss (China), losing our newly remodeled dream home and investment property in the crash, Savings, Investment & Retirement all gone, 2 fractured wrists, 3 suicide attempts plus one 5150, cigarette, alcohol, sport drug and Rx drug addictions, IRS tax liens, 3 major lawsuits and 1 corrupt lawyer who scammed us, recovery from a nearly fatal fall, a tenant who ruined the inside of our rental condo with cat urination forcing a complete remodel, bankruptcy losing our three 20 year old cats within 2 months and a broken my heart giving her our dog just to cut all ties with her. There's more, but those are the highlights.

 

Instead, I recommend the same thing here as I recommend for every breakup and every bad life episode: Make yourself learn to live again. Don't let yourself sit around for any more years not enjoying life.

 

It's taken years of hard work which started with just being able to finally sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time with 3-4 hours of insomnia in between. Just 2 months ago a friend invited me to join her for a barefoot walk along the beach at low tide. I found a shell and inside I wrote the date because that was the very first time in over 7 years that I could actually feel joy instead of hatred for the things I used to enjoy. I've still got some work ahead of me, but I feel I've made some real progress from when I remember even caring about (let alone relearn how to brush my teeth). :D

Edited by Slippery_Slope
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