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Jet Lag

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You said it would get easier but it isn't!

 

I thought I had this epiphany yesterday after reading something on here.

 

I came to this belief that my ex is co-dependant in relationships hence most of his exes are girls that display serious signs of bpd. He needs to be needed, not loved which is why he didn't want to commit.

 

But I do need him. Can't he see this.

 

Please tell me what to do so I don't feel so sad.

 

I am going to yoga and down to the beach. I am spending lots of time with my kids. I am catching up with friends.

 

Yet, just now, at my daughter's basketball training, I had to go into the toilets to cry.

 

It has been a couple of months since we broke up and a couple of weeks of low contact (forwarding on work emails and seeing him (but not communicating with him) at kids' activities). I really want to contact him. I really want to be with him forever!

 

Please help me stop being so sad. I'm not a sad person.

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You have to sit it out, it WILL get better, it always does but enough time has to pass. There is no other solution, you have to sit it out until it passes. The sadness and the anger are good signs, it means you are mourning because you realise it's over. You know the saying how it gets darker before dawn, this is exactly it.

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You said it would get easier but it isn't!

 

I thought I had this epiphany yesterday after reading something on here.

 

I came to this belief that my ex is co-dependant in relationships hence most of his exes are girls that display serious signs of bpd. He needs to be needed, not loved which is why he didn't want to commit.

 

But I do need him. Can't he see this.

 

Please tell me what to do so I don't feel so sad.

 

I am going to yoga and down to the beach. I am spending lots of time with my kids. I am catching up with friends.

 

Yet, just now, at my daughter's basketball training, I had to go into the toilets to cry.

 

It has been a couple of months since we broke up and a couple of weeks of low contact (forwarding on work emails and seeing him (but not communicating with him) at kids' activities). I really want to contact him. I really want to be with him forever!

 

Please help me stop being so sad. I'm not a sad person.

 

 

First of all:

 

1) The start of low contact is the starting point of your healing process. Not the day of the break up, because post breakup you are still dealing with the situation. So in a way, its only been a few weeks.

 

2) It doesn't get better after only a few weeks. It doesn't get better after a few months. It gets better from at least 6 months of NC/LC to the first year, and by that time you will STILL have some feelings for your ex.

 

After the 6 months-1 year period, you will still have feelings for your ex, but by that time its most probable that you'll accept that you guys are over. You will remember stuff, and look at them with nostalgia, but in the end, you will be better.

 

You said you want to be with him forever. At this point you haven't really dealt with the fact the relationship is over.

 

Its ok to have hope. It really is. Specially if there are children involved.

 

But its ok to have hope, ONLY if you accept the fact that it is a big "it could happen, or i could not".

 

What I mean is, its possible that you guys could be together in the future. You have children together, so in a way, your lives are forever connected.

 

But you need to understand that...if the future holds some sort of reconciliation...it will be after a long period of time. And in that time you need to accept that, at least for now, you two won't be together.

 

Life is weird. Anything can happen in your future. Your lives, as I said above, are linked forever through your children (in a way, you have better odds than most dumpees who will never hear from their exes again).

 

So just try to....accept it. And try to be happy :o.

 

It will get better.

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The only real advise that I can offer is this. It will get better, than it gets worse, than a little better, and than, it's horrible, and so on, and so on. The feelings that you are having are going to change: hourly, then daily, and then on to weekly. Repeat.........once again. Until you make the focus something different in your life that you can control.

 

What helps to get through the saddest of times is to keep reminding yourself that eventually, you will be feeling differently about the break up very soon. It sucks, but there's no way around it, realistically. Especially if you are the person that has been left behind.

 

Staying busy helps to occupy your time, but as you know, it doesn't mean that your thoughts about the ex stop running through your head either. If I were you, and I have been, accept it. Think of it like that annoying bell that rings every time you walk through the doors of the minimart, you hate it, but after some time has gone by, and a change in your attitude on how you're going to get through it, you'll be able to make it go a little more silent each time.

 

The best way to get someone's attention, whether it's via being seen, or talked about is change. Making the effort to improve themselves, to get stronger, and definitely, to make themselves more desirable. Nothing in the world drives the opposite sex more crazy than having an ex get their sexy back on, especially when the ex has been gone and there's been no communication. And that is true for any age or gender.

 

Try this suggestion for the next week. Take on the challenge and the attitude as if you're going to be seeing him soon. Start to focus on getting the very best you to show up. Exercise yourself well, change the things that you can to make yourself feel exceptionally good about yourself. Do this so that you are ready for the time that you do meet up with your ex again.

 

Here's how you'll get through the tough days. Start by aiming to become the best version of yourself; through health, fitness, or even academically; what ever you feel needs some improvements. In the meantime, and during this transition, you'll be making some outstanding accomplishments along the way. If you have to, make your ex the force that drives you to get started, use him as your platform, do this for a while to stay committed.

 

Trust me, you'll make him drop to his knees when you do finally see him again. Unlike the last time you were around him, things have changed. Now, you're the beautiful carrot dangling at the end the rope, instead of the one that he left behind. Leaving you with a rope he hung around your neck, all alone, to untangle yourself from while he simply walked away. And you look great.

 

This is your call. You have to make it happen for him to wonder.

What happened to you? He'll have to ask.

 

I don't care if you were a 10 while you were with him before the break up. Now, you should be shooting to become a 15. Is that a bit sexist to think, yes, but I didn't write the rules, I'm just encouraging you to get back in to the game. No matter what happens, you'll be in the best state mentally and physically, and in a better position for finding a new relationship partner.

 

I promise you, he'll be doing a 180 once he's figured out how bloody hot and smart that you are these days. He'll be really shocked just how well that you've taken this break up, too. Might make the poor man have to second guess his decision when he ended it with you. He'll be scratching his head wondering why you didn't fall to pieces and STAY there. Moreover, you obviously have not acted anything like he had assumed that you would have done during the post break up. You moved on, without him, and did so quite epically.

 

Works every single time.

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tobrieornottobrie

Have you considered finding a counselor or therapist? Maybe having someone to talk to would be helpful as you are trying to sort through your emotions? Just something to think about. I hope it gets better for you, friend! Blessings.

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

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First of all:

 

1) The start of low contact is the starting point of your healing process. Not the day of the break up, because post breakup you are still dealing with the situation. So in a way, its only been a few weeks.

 

2) It doesn't get better after only a few weeks. It doesn't get better after a few months. It gets better from at least 6 months of NC/LC to the first year, and by that time you will STILL have some feelings for your ex.

 

After the 6 months-1 year period, you will still have feelings for your ex, but by that time its most probable that you'll accept that you guys are over. You will remember stuff, and look at them with nostalgia, but in the end, you will be better.

 

You said you want to be with him forever. At this point you haven't really dealt with the fact the relationship is over.

 

Its ok to have hope. It really is. Specially if there are children involved.

 

But its ok to have hope, ONLY if you accept the fact that it is a big "it could happen, or i could not".

 

What I mean is, its possible that you guys could be together in the future. You have children together, so in a way, your lives are forever connected.

 

But you need to understand that...if the future holds some sort of reconciliation...it will be after a long period of time. And in that time you need to accept that, at least for now, you two won't be together.

 

Life is weird. Anything can happen in your future. Your lives, as I said above, are linked forever through your children (in a way, you have better odds than most dumpees who will never hear from their exes again).

 

So just try to....accept it. And try to be happy :o.

 

It will get better.

 

Thanks for your support and information. I obviously wasn't very clear. We don't have kids together. Our kids do the same activities.

 

His son tells everyone my kids are his siblings and tells people I am his Mum.

 

He is my son's best friend and we used to see him on more days than either his Mum or Dad.

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The only real advise that I can offer is this. It will get better, than it gets worse, than a little better, and than, it's horrible, and so on, and so on. The feelings that you are having are going to change: hourly, then daily, and then on to weekly. Repeat.........once again. Until you make the focus something different in your life that you can control.

 

What helps to get through the saddest of times is to keep reminding yourself that eventually, you will be feeling differently about the break up very soon. It sucks, but there's no way around it, realistically. Especially if you are the person that has been left behind.

 

Staying busy helps to occupy your time, but as you know, it doesn't mean that your thoughts about the ex stop running through your head either. If I were you, and I have been, accept it. Think of it like that annoying bell that rings every time you walk through the doors of the minimart, you hate it, but after some time has gone by, and a change in your attitude on how you're going to get through it, you'll be able to make it go a little more silent each time.

 

The best way to get someone's attention, whether it's via being seen, or talked about is change. Making the effort to improve themselves, to get stronger, and definitely, to make themselves more desirable. Nothing in the world drives the opposite sex more crazy than having an ex get their sexy back on, especially when the ex has been gone and there's been no communication. And that is true for any age or gender.

 

Try this suggestion for the next week. Take on the challenge and the attitude as if you're going to be seeing him soon. Start to focus on getting the very best you to show up. Exercise yourself well, change the things that you can to make yourself feel exceptionally good about yourself. Do this so that you are ready for the time that you do meet up with your ex again.

 

Here's how you'll get through the tough days. Start by aiming to become the best version of yourself; through health, fitness, or even academically; what ever you feel needs some improvements. In the meantime, and during this transition, you'll be making some outstanding accomplishments along the way. If you have to, make your ex the force that drives you to get started, use him as your platform, do this for a while to stay committed.

 

Trust me, you'll make him drop to his knees when you do finally see him again. Unlike the last time you were around him, things have changed. Now, you're the beautiful carrot dangling at the end the rope, instead of the one that he left behind. Leaving you with a rope he hung around your neck, all alone, to untangle yourself from while he simply walked away. And you look great.

 

This is your call. You have to make it happen for him to wonder.

What happened to you? He'll have to ask.

 

I don't care if you were a 10 while you were with him before the break up. Now, you should be shooting to become a 15. Is that a bit sexist to think, yes, but I didn't write the rules, I'm just encouraging you to get back in to the game. No matter what happens, you'll be in the best state mentally and physically, and in a better position for finding a new relationship partner.

 

I promise you, he'll be doing a 180 once he's figured out how bloody hot and smart that you are these days. He'll be really shocked just how well that you've taken this break up, too. Might make the poor man have to second guess his decision when he ended it with you. He'll be scratching his head wondering why you didn't fall to pieces and STAY there. Moreover, you obviously have not acted anything like he had assumed that you would have done during the post break up. You moved on, without him, and did so quite epically.

 

Works every single time.

 

 

I am sure he feels I won't move on. I probably told him I will never love anyone like him and I have also said I could see myself being alone for the rest of my life.

 

When I think this, it is not that I feel I won't find anyone else but I guess that I wouldn't find anyone who matches up with him...but also because I really believe once I get over this grief I will be happy being alone. Hard to tell at the moment but I am basically a happy person.

 

I really like your advice and will put it into action.

 

Thanks.

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Have you considered finding a counselor or therapist? Maybe having someone to talk to would be helpful as you are trying to sort through your emotions? Just something to think about. I hope it gets better for you, friend! Blessings.

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

 

 

I have considered a counsellor. I haven't done anything about it yet but figure I probably should.

 

I am certainly not at the absolutely devastated stage I was a few weeks ago but I am sick of being sad and even when I am doing things, I often think of him and wish he was there with me.

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Unfortunately it takes a while. I'm close to 6 months post BU. It has gotten better but by no means is it easy.I still cry, but not like I did in the beginning. It's mostly love songs that bring on the tears now. Time will pass before you know it and we will all be over this hell.

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PinkElephants

I dated someone like your ex. His self-worth was extremely low and he needed to be needed by everyone. It didn't matter if it was a man or a woman, whether they needed a flat changed, a kind word, help moving, whatever, he went running. It used to make me mad because he'd bail on me to go "save" someone else and he failed to see that I needed time and attention too.

 

Then I dumped him and realized that he's sad little person worthy only of pity. He's a bottomless pit. He was almost compulsively unable to resist someone who needed something because it gave him the opportunity to be bathed in the positive attention he so desperately craved.

 

He's going to spend the rest of his life frantically, desperately seeking out screwed up people he can temporarily comfort. He's going to live a life devoid of love and respect. His life is one built on dependence. Do you really want to be a part of that?

 

Also, you don't need your ex. You say he's co-dependent and needs girls that need him which makes him damaged and the girls damaged and equally co-dependent. Do you want to be among them?

 

Instead, spend some time being single and appreciate how stress free it is being away from him. Watch his desperate shenanigans if you need the entertainment and at every turn be happy that you're no longer involved. Live well. Chances are, he's still keeping tabs on you. You're still a source of attention if his other sources run dry and he'll suck what he can from you until someone that doesn't know his secrets comes along. Make yourself better and, therefore, inaccessible. He probably won't risk his ego and rejection on someone who knows their worth.

 

At the end of the day, though, it's not about him. Do nothing with the intent of "winning" him back. Deciding he's in the past is a freedom I couldn't imagine while involved with him! Adjust your standards and do better next time. You're better than being a source for an emotional mosquito.

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He's going to spend the rest of his life frantically, desperately seeking out screwed up people he can temporarily comfort. He's going to live a life devoid of love and respect. His life is one built on dependence.

 

I hope you are wrong here. For his sake. Obviously I still love him and would hate for this to be his life.

 

Also for the sake of his kids.

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Perhaps I can shine a little light here. You can classify someone as someone who is this or that or the other thing but the fact is that you two are not compatible. You may love him very much and he may love you too but its not going to work because you are too far apart in the needs department. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with this. I had so many times when I just missed my ex so much I would cry and I am a big strong man or what ever. Its really hard getting through that and it might take a while to find someone else but just realize that you are better off without someone that isn't there for you. If he was so codependent than he would be much more willing to suit your needs. It took me 9 months to get to feeling alright and those days when you miss them are so hard!!!!!!! I would cry my eyes out because I just missed her so much. A big part of healing is NC not light contact NC because being in contact just keeps you in that place where you think there is hope and it doesn't help you forget about it. You have to just be strong and stop talking to him. Like nothing. I wish you the best of luck!

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If he was so codependent than he would be much more willing to suit your needs.

This is what I was thinking too. Also and a bit the same, I do not see how a codependent does not want to commit?

It took me 9 months to get to feeling alright and those days when you miss them are so hard!!!!!!! I would cry my eyes out because I just missed her so much. A big part of healing is NC not light contact NC because being in contact just keeps you in that place where you think there is hope and it doesn't help you forget about it. You have to just be strong and stop talking to him. Like nothing. I wish you the best of luck!

I am affraid this is true. Active interaction keeps your bond with him alive.

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This is what I was thinking too. Also and a bit the same, I do not see how a codependent does not want to commit?

 

I am affraid this is true. Active interaction keeps your bond with him alive.

 

It is as low contact as I can manage. I really am trying to have not contact but I used to work for him so am still getting emails re his business. I am just forwarding them on to him with no action or comments from me.

 

I also received a phone call re the business.

 

Then his kids' Mums rang me when I was on the way home from yoga saying she had dropped my exes son here and he would pick him up later.

 

I had brief message conversation re when would be appropriate for him to pick up his child (when I was out).

 

Then I've seen him at basketball training (our son's train at the same time) but didn't speak to him.

 

I've changed yoga studios on the day he isn't at work so I don't run into him there.

 

Unfortunately today everything reminded me of him. My 9yo son asked me, "Mum, who would you marry? ## or Michael Jackson" Not sure where that came from.

 

Everything was a non stop reminder fest today. It seemed to be every 20 minutes or so, something someone would say or something I would see...it felt like it would never end.

 

It brought back real sadness again.

 

Blah.

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So....

 

 

You used to work for him. Past tense. Why do you need to continue to forward his **** to him again? Somethings can honestly be helped. Your situation, as of the Day of Constant Reminder, is you. Change your email. Change your number. Who cares about forwarding work to someone you no longer work for?

 

I do not know who told you it gets easier. If anything, it gets harder before it gets easier. But you have to woman up. Take steps. Enforce your emotions. Rebuild your willpower. You do this with time and activity. Hell, nothing is easy. Never has been.

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I see that you make a lot of effort to make the least contact as possible. If you still want to be decent regarding those e-mails you better can reply back to the sender. You know he sounds lazy to me, like you are his workmaid. Needing and using are different things. It is hard but find your own ground, you are not responsible for his business and his children. Tell his mother the next time she calls you.

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So....

 

 

You used to work for him. Past tense. Why do you need to continue to forward his **** to him again? Somethings can honestly be helped. Your situation, as of the Day of Constant Reminder, is you. Change your email. Change your number. Who cares about forwarding work to someone you no longer work for?

 

I do not know who told you it gets easier. If anything, it gets harder before it gets easier. But you have to woman up. Take steps. Enforce your emotions. Rebuild your willpower. You do this with time and activity. Hell, nothing is easy. Never has been.

 

I have no desire to screw over his business because we are no longer together. I presume the emails will cease fairly shortly. I just forward them. I don't add to them.

 

Guess I have been lucky that things have tended to be easy...or I have tended to be strong. Maybe not preparation for something like this.

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It sounds to me like you are just hanging on and that is normal. I won't lie, the first few months of my breakup I was contacting her. I couldn't help it because I was in so much pain. Forget the email forwarding and I would ask my son if it was alright to switch facilities. The less often you see him or text him or email or anything the better off you will be. Every time you do that you go to an emotional place and sort of start over in a sense. Eventually your mind will just get sick of all of this and you will get over it but its going to take time and work from you! Have you tried dating at all?

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It sounds to me like you are just hanging on and that is normal. I won't lie, the first few months of my breakup I was contacting her. I couldn't help it because I was in so much pain. Forget the email forwarding and I would ask my son if it was alright to switch facilities. The less often you see him or text him or email or anything the better off you will be. Every time you do that you go to an emotional place and sort of start over in a sense. Eventually your mind will just get sick of all of this and you will get over it but its going to take time and work from you! Have you tried dating at all?

 

From three weeks ago my son is no longer in the same domestic team as his son. Their rep teams are different too but they train together. We live in a regional area and his son is my son's best friend.

 

I probably am hanging on a little but I really aren't contacting him. Hanging on in my mind because I still don't understand it.

 

As to dating, I joined POF. I am not enjoying it at all. I haven't met up with anyone despite lots of people asking. I don't think I'm ready to. Then one guy I felt I clicked with and we messaged a lot over a two day period then when I queried something he said, his response was something like, if you don't get me by now, you are not going to. Some people get things. Some don't. Have a good life.

 

Well...that was fun!

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Cupid's Puppet

You just have to look at other people's experience to know that no one is stuck in a rut forever. The days of having unrequited love until the day you die are like so 16th century. I thought I could never taste normalcy again, but I am slowly getting there.

 

I will admit, my ex telling me he still loves me has helped me a lot. Sometimes I think we simply need to be validated and have the past relationship validated to be able to move on. That may be what you're missing. Because if you think the love wasn't real, I can understand why you doubt you'd ever fall in love again in the future. I get like that many days, practically everyday. But like I said, it has gotten better by having my ex validate that what we had was real.

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Cupid's Puppet

 

As to dating, I joined POF. I am not enjoying it at all. I haven't met up with anyone despite lots of people asking. I don't think I'm ready to. Then one guy I felt I clicked with and we messaged a lot over a two day period then when I queried something he said, his response was something like, if you don't get me by now, you are not going to. Some people get things. Some don't. Have a good life.

 

Well...that was fun!

 

I have had people turn jerky like that. However, try to look at everyone as being human. The guy may have been a true jerk, or he may have had a bad day, or the comment you made may have triggered something from his past. Whatever the case, he's human, and he let his emotions get the best of him that day. Just be patient with the dating process, learn the differences of the sexes, and you may not get as disappointed when those things happen.

 

Remember, online dating gives you an almost immediate glimpse of someone's flaws that you would normally find out after 3-5 dates if you had otherwise met him offline. And you have flaws too that these guys are catching. So have an open mind. I'm not saying to settle for someone disrespectful, but in order to protect your heart, you have to accept that there will never be a honeymoon phase. There will be arguments. And if you're not ready for the good and the bad that comes with relationships, you're not ready to date again.

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I will admit, my ex telling me he still loves me has helped me a lot. Sometimes I think we simply need to be validated and have the past relationship validated to be able to move on. That may be what you're missing. Because if you think the love wasn't real, I can understand why you doubt you'd ever fall in love again in the future. I get like that many days, practically everyday. But like I said, it has gotten better by having my ex validate that what we had was real.

 

The last time he talked he told me he still loved me as much as he did. Haha, I guess that could be interpreted negatively...but I didn't interpret it like that. He loves me but wants something different in a relationship.

 

I get the validation thing.

 

Everyone here will get frustrated but he messaged me the other day asking for a password for a work related issue. He signed with a "X". That little X made me feel better, feel settled. I guess this is probably a bad thing, not a good...but, it is what it is.

 

I just replied what was required. Didn't add anything.

 

I no longer work for him but I have left things without giving him all the information he needs.

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I see that you make a lot of effort to make the least contact as possible. If you still want to be decent regarding those e-mails you better can reply back to the sender. You know he sounds lazy to me, like you are his workmaid. Needing and using are different things. It is hard but find your own ground, you are not responsible for his business and his children. Tell his mother the next time she calls you.

 

 

Replying back to sender would work. Good idea.

 

It wasn't his mother. It was the kids' Mum. She rang me after she dropped her son off at my house.

 

Doormat? Hehehe

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Replying back to sender would work. Good idea.

 

It wasn't his mother. It was the kids' Mum. She rang me after she dropped her son off at my house.

 

Doormat? Hehehe

I looked at your first discussion, it strengthens my thoughs. It seems that he knows how to reach you when he can use you. Now that he is single he said he had to work on his selfesteem and date others before he could get in a relation with you. It seems he knows what to say to you to keep you in his pocket or get you upset. That does not sound needing in a codependent way to me. Are you sure your guy has self-esteem issues? It sounds like he already has an inflated ego that you help pump up.

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I looked at your first discussion, it strengthens my thoughs. It seems that he knows how to reach you when he can use you. Now that he is single he said he had to work on his selfesteem and date others before he could get in a relation with you. It seems he knows what to say to you to keep you in his pocket or get you upset. That does not sound needing in a codependent way to me. Are you sure your guy has self-esteem issues? It sounds like he already has an inflated ego that you help pump up.

 

I don't think he will end up with me. I have come to that awareness.

 

I do think he has self esteem issues though many people would disagree with that. If you met him, you would not think he had self esteem issues but deep down I think (and he would admit) he is very insecure.

 

In our relationship, he wasn't codependent. I believe because he never committed to our relationship.

 

In his previous two long term relationships I believe he was codependent from what I have read here.

 

Between him and me, I would probably be the one that appeared codependent. I would do anything to make him happy.

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