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My Breakup, Possible New Perspective


AaronSG

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First off I hope everyone out there is having the best day that they can have for themselves, I know breakup's and such are hard, and if your one of the ones having a bit of a tough time, I hope and pray that things get better real soon.

 

((This topic area might be long, I apologize for that, but I have never seen what I'm going to bring up here ever brought up around these parts, nor at any other breakup related web sites I've visited. I hope this can benefit someone out there.))

 

Next, there is something that I would very much like to bring up and possibly discuss. For recently, when talking with one of my Daily Strength friends, via private messaging, I had brought something up, something that was brought to my attention via a very good friend of mine, little over a week ago on one of my late night walks. I told myself today, rather than just sharing some of my new founded perspective about something with just one person, perhaps share it with all, maybe someone out there can take something away from this and help them.

 

What I'm going to talk about is not a "one size fit's all" kind of a thing. There are many different elements and situations that lead to a breakup, not everyones is the same. What I'm bringing up is for those who have had their loves of their lives choose or to be manipulated in leaving them and their loves choosing to go back to a way of life, or living situations or downgrading their lives intentionally or non intentionally, but all the while justifying going back to bad situations just to leave us.

 

I'll give as brief of a history about my ex-fiance as I can, as to sum up her into my example.

 

My former fiancé came from a very troubled home, full of dysfunction, full of chronic alcoholism, prescription pill abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, possible sexual abuse, a home that had been exposed to her parents domestic violence, her Dad's fits of rage to the point shoving a handgun into his wife's face, my ex-fiance being pulled out of school in the second grade, for reasons not yet made clear to me, my ex-fiance's admitting of "gaps" in her childhood memory's, her being a "cutter" in her early teenage years and damaging her body's vaginal area, my ex-fiance being tormented and teased by her Sister's for all her life, her never being allowed to return to school and never being allowed to seek out therapy for her troubles, never being allowed to call her own shot's with her own disability money, her lack of being able to transport herself anywhere, from the ages of 0 to 26 never living outside the home, always living life 80% to 90% up in her bedroom, her lack of "real world" friends, she doesn't have a one, her pertinacity to think that the Internet is real and sometimes real life is fake, her mother suffering mental issues due to battered wife syndrome, never really being allowed to seek out and get world experiences, like exposer to different cultures and such, her Father's purposeful manipulations of both the SSI and V.A. systems, the cheating, the lies, the stealing ahd her Father sometimes using the word of God for his own selfish and self seeking ends......ect. ect. ect.

 

This person some time later comes into my life, a very normal life, a life that for the most part has never seen any of the bad situations that had happened to her, while growing up and living at her parents house. For the first time she had a man like me in her life who unconditionally loved her, she was exposed to having personal freedoms, freedom to handle her own money, freedom to call my home her's, freedom to buy what she wanted, freedom to buy things from where she wanted, she was exposed to my friends and family and got to see what a non-dysfunctional family looks like, she was given by way of myself and my family ton's of worldly experiences, which were all "1st" in her life, this list could just keep going on, but you get the point, with me and what my family could provide her, she had her own little slice of heaven here.

 

This is where it gets interesting, on that walk with my friend the other night we were talking about all the information about the breakup that we had, we also talked about what we knew her to be doing after getting back home in Ohio. I just kept throwing out there that she was just dysfunction and knew no better. My friend didn't agree, actually he one upped me a little by presenting me with a new perspective.

 

He told me that everything started to go very much "down hill" in the relationship after I put my foot down, months before the breakup about how there will be no more sending any more money to her parents. Which offended all of them. Then he said the late night private phone calls started between Daughter and Father, the intimacy started to fade, our ability to have good conversations dried up, basically by me doing what I did, I drove a wedge between myself and her and her family. So in the end, a choice either by way of her exercising her powers of choice or her Father telling her what she's going to do because a "higher power" told him to do so, regardless the breakup happened and she choose or was instructed to go back to the environment I stated above.

 

I was told that my ex-fiance had been exposed to the environment that she was going back to all her life, he suspected that her mind and her heart became so desensitized by all the chaos, the trauma, the abuse, the violence, the alcoholism, the pill abuse, he told me that at some point her mind convinced her that what she was living thought was "normal", so at some point, and without question, she came to a mental place that what her family did were the ways a normal family, and that what she was exposed to was just how a normal family operates, and there's nothing that no one on the outside could say to her to prove her otherwise.

 

My friend summed it all up for me like this!

 

He told me to look at the situation as being in the shoes of a prison inmate, the inmate is locked up, in his or her cell all day, is exposed to inmate abuse, be it verbal, physical or sexual, after time they become desensitized to it all, after time they come to a mental place that everything bad their exposed to is normal, is exposed to power hungry prison workers and the warden, get's accustomed with being told what to do all the time, get's accustomed with being told where to go all the time, get's accustomed to being told how to do it all the time, basically my friend told me that dysfunction has very little to do with it, but the label of one being "institutionalized" does!

 

He told me that my former fiance's house is the "prison", that her bedroom is the "prison cell", that her Mother is another "inmate" and her Father is the "jail warden", he told me their older model Dodge Durango is the official "inmate transport vehicle", he told me that when the warden authorizes, the inmates are allowed to use the inmate transport vehicle as to leave the prison on a temporary work release program, and as long as what their doing serves the warden like food shopping and such, if it serves the warden then they are allowed to use the vehicle. When they return back to the prison, it's back to their appropriate cells, the Mother, back into the home office and get back on Facebook and play Candy Crush all day! My ex-fiance, back upstairs to her cell, where she'll log back on her computer and resume talking with my former gaming group and game all night. I was told that my ex-fiance uses her computer as an actual prison inmate would use an old fashioned phone, it's their only real link to the outside world.

 

He told me that she went back to her old environment because my ex-fiance suffers from the condition of being mentally "institutionalized"! She knows really no other way of life, and I was told that in some cases, when a real prison inmate is released, by either time served or parole, if that inmate can't handle things in the outside world, if they can't handle the new founded social aspects of freedom, or the new founded choices to make with their own money, or it's that the sensations of new founded intimacy with a loved one are to much, that inmate will throw it all away because of how uncomfortable they are in the 'real world" and choose to possibly commit another crime, a crime that they know will land them back into jail or prison, and they are okay about it, because, after all, their going back to a way of life that they think is "normal"!

 

So to end this example, and again this isn't a "one size fit's all" kind of a deal, but if any of you have had loved one choose to leave you and maybe go back to environments such as my ex-fiance's, and you stand their scratching your heads thinking "wow, they had it all with me, a safe home, a safe loved one, plenty of freedoms, plenty or worldly experiences, ect. ect. ect. if you think they are "nut's" or "crazy" or "mentally irregular" for leaving the little slice of heaven that you both created for yourselves and they choose to go back into questionable situations, that are far more dangerous than anything you had provided for them, and if by chance they appear to be 100% "A-okay" with it, and act like what their going back to, like my ex-fiance's is business as usual and it doesn't affect them much about the slice of heaven that their choosing to leave, if this is all the case, then you might be dealing with someone who has a real bad case of "institutionalism" and that condition is what their comfortable with and perhaps all they've known through out their lives and in the end, what their going back to is all normal to them!

 

I think this example has been my missing puzzle piece, I think due to the fact that I didn't look seriously at someone who suffers "institutionalism", I just kept throwing out labels on her like psychopath, narcissist, sociopath, narcopath, whatever the clever label of the moment might be, and that I thought fit, I never looked at the label of "mental institutionalism", for me this examples almost answers it all.

 

In the end it's just so very sad, I'm suspecting that my ex-fiance really doesn't know what she's done, what she's really given up by leaving me, I think she's been so programed into her ways of thinking, that what she returned to and lives everyday in, I think it's pathetically sad that she thinks it's all normal. We all tried to help her look at what she was going to leave behind, none of it worked, all the while she gave us the impression that she was totally fine going back into a dangerous environment, in some aspects she even appeared to be excited to do so!

 

no matter what we say or do to try and convince a truly institutionalized person that what their doing is wrong, like going back to dangerous places, it's no use, no words or actions will change the truly institutionalized person!

 

Sad part is, they don't even know to be sad for themselves, after all it's all normal to them, so why be sad about it!

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