confuseboy Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 To cut the story short, I'm attached with my current gf for 4 years. We have applied for BTO, and planning to get married soon. I felt in love with a colleague of mine, but I know it is impossible between us. She was single back then, and it hurts knowing that it is impossible between us. Now that she is dating someone, I feel that my world crumbles into dust. I really wanna love my current gf wholeheartedly, but I just cannot control myself to stop loving my colleague. This emotion is affecting my work, my life and my wellbeing. I gave this situation a few thoughts and here is my conclusion: 1) Even if I were to hurt my gf and be with my colleague, do I really want it? what makes me think that I will not fall in love with another woman 4 years down the road, and hurt my colleague? 2) Do I really wanna be with someone (colleague) who accept the fact I am breaking up with my current gf just to be with her? As of now, im really unsure if my feelings towards my gf is love or responsibility, and im not sure if to continue to be with her is the right decision. but as for now anyone got any suggestions on how can i stop loving someone who will never love me back? I am so lost and confuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I don't know what BTO is but I think you are looking at this completely the wrong way. If you fell in love with someone else, your girlfriend isn't for you, perhaps you two should split up because it's only a matter of time before you fall for someone else? You aren't married, you don't have kids, why stay together when clearly your feelings aren't strong enough? there are no guarantees that this won't happen again. Ideally you want to learn how to keep your distance from others rather than allow yourself get caught up like this. This is why guys in committed relationships don't tend to hang out with the others after work in the pub often and usually go home to their family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseboy Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 Whether I should or should not leave my current gf is something worth considering. However, the need to forget my colleague is a must. I must agree with you that I've made a mistake by allowing myself to fall in love with someone else, but would like to clarify that i did not create any opportunity for us to get closer. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Whether I should or should not leave my current gf is something worth considering. However, the need to forget my colleague is a must. How much contact do you have with your colleague? Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 You should be alone while you sort out your feelings. Yes, by getting out of your RS you do risk losing your gf for good but being with her and thinking of another is not only unfair to your gf but to you as well. You're causing complete torment for yourself. The only way to feel the least bit better and figure it out is to take a step away from RSs for a while. You don't need any influence right now from either girl IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Your colleague isn't single any more plus its probably just lust and infatuation...very different from real love. Maybe keep distance, look for a new job, and "love" her from a distance but do not act on it. Just wish her well and know that your chance has passed but be happy you met her and move on. As far as your current girlfriend I dated my high school sweetheart for 4 years, and felt we had to get married as we spent so much time together to make a relationship. We ended up divorced a few years later. There wasn't enough passion, love, communication to make a marriage work and he was looking for another woman. Break up with your girlfriend AND forget the colleague. In this case its not one or the other, its neither. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I suggest seeing a therapist first off. Second it is not fare to your GF if you are thinking about being with other woman and wanting to get married to her. This woman you are in love with is someone you work with and she isn't single so you are kind of creeping. Did you have a fling with her and now you just can't get over it? Therapy and then maybe try being honest with your GF because she is investing her life in you and if you are not all about it you are wasting her time and yours. Be real with yourself and everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 This is classic, you want the stability of your current GF but want the passion with another woman. You just need to be single dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseboy Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 How much contact do you have with your colleague? She left the company, and I foresee our contact will be minimum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseboy Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 Your colleague isn't single any more plus its probably just lust and infatuation...very different from real love. Maybe keep distance, look for a new job, and "love" her from a distance but do not act on it. Just wish her well and know that your chance has passed but be happy you met her and move on. As far as your current girlfriend I dated my high school sweetheart for 4 years, and felt we had to get married as we spent so much time together to make a relationship. We ended up divorced a few years later. There wasn't enough passion, love, communication to make a marriage work and he was looking for another woman. Break up with your girlfriend AND forget the colleague. In this case its not one or the other, its neither. I'm pretty sure it is not lust. Yes, I've thought of being single again. But I can't bring myself to hurt my current gf. I wanted to love her like u used to, and I wanna forget about my colleague. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseboy Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 I suggest seeing a therapist first off. Second it is not fare to your GF if you are thinking about being with other woman and wanting to get married to her. This woman you are in love with is someone you work with and she isn't single so you are kind of creeping. Did you have a fling with her and now you just can't get over it? Therapy and then maybe try being honest with your GF because she is investing her life in you and if you are not all about it you are wasting her time and yours. Be real with yourself and everyone else. At the point of falling in love with her, she is still single. And no, I did not have any fling with her, we are clean. Just that I felt very very comfortable talking to her or when she is around me. But let's just put it this way, assuming that my colleague is still single, and that she told me she loves me, I will still decide to be with my current gf, while sulking over the opportunity. I knew my gf is investing her life on me, which is why I wanted to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseboy Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 This is classic, you want the stability of your current GF but want the passion with another woman. You just need to be single dude. Which is I'm trying to forget my colleague! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Don't get into any long-term commitments yet. If you are sure the colleague isn't interested though, there is simply no reason to even consider her in your negotiations with yourself except as comparing the feelings you have. Just don't get into a long-term commitment with your gf. Be faithful while you're with her. If something happens with the colleague down the road, you will have to approach her and get it over with and if she wants to go out, break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseboy Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 Don't get into any long-term commitments yet. If you are sure the colleague isn't interested though, there is simply no reason to even consider her in your negotiations with yourself except as comparing the feelings you have. Just don't get into a long-term commitment with your gf. Be faithful while you're with her. If something happens with the colleague down the road, you will have to approach her and get it over with and if she wants to go out, break up. It is not very fair to my gf this way either. It's like, I'm keeping her as a substitute for my colleague? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseboy Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 It seems like the most appropriate move is to be with neither parties, until I have cleared my thoughts. I'm fine with being single, but my only concern here is that I don't want to hurt my gf. I don't want a case where by I realized I still love her after breaking up with her. Once the damage was done, the scar will be there forever. As for now, I don't know if my feelings towards my gf is love or responsibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Herpderp Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Welcome to G. I. G. S Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseboy Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 Welcome to G. I. G. S What's that? Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Thanks confuseboy for sharing your heart. I have been where you are and remember the conflict in my emotions. The real question, as I see it, is why would you go forward and marry your current GF? Responsibility is honorable but the fact that you are obsessing about your co-worker may indicate that there are issues that need to be addressed in your current and real relationship. Have the two of you done any counseling? A Pastor could be helpful if you don't want to go to a professional counselor. The second thing that you should remember is that you are not a slave to your emotions. A relationship can only exist when two people both make the choice to participate. You have stated clearly that your co-worker is not interested in a relationship. What else do you need? You can control what you dwell on in your mind, and once you take your thoughts captive, your feelings will come in line as well. Maybe not overnight but they will eventually change. I don't know the circumstances between you and your GF, but I can see trouble ahead if the two of you don't sit down and figure out what your relationship truly is all about. Doing so with the help of an unbiased third party could really be helpful. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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