Omei Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) I just wanna write how im feeling not looking for any advice really... Its been almost two years now almost since my breakup from my last long term relationship that nearly lasted five years. Honestly I just have one word Broken. I still feel betrayed by this person thinking about them still makes me sad and cry sometimes. I do like my single life and I can be quite happy on my own but there's such a hole in my heart I long to be in love again so much now im ready for someone else but I have serious doubts of ever really finding it going into my 29th year with so many unhappy relationships under my belt, I just wish my life partner would appear already. I have been with other men but it always feels empty there's been no connection will I ever feel that again? I just dont know I have little hope just feeling low today =[ Edited October 18, 2014 by Omei 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 I can't certainly resonate and recall you being around during one of the most difficult moments of my life post BU. I too feel as if my heart nowadays is too cold. I endured a huge setback roughly a month ago when I was curious to know where my ex stood and found out she was in a relationship already. Thankfully, I'm starting to come out of the dark place again and once again starting to focus on me and my emotional recovery. I'll like to think that I'm ready to embark on a new romantic journey. And not in an attempt at masking the past but I think I'm genuinely ready to hold, kiss and love. Talking and picking up women came so naturally to me in the past now I have such difficulty even initiating conversation. It's not a confidence thing but more along the lines of I suppose losing my touch and sense of humor. But I do know that as long as I commit to NC and continue to work on my emotional healing I will make it out of this a better man. Reading your post I wonder where I'll stand at the two year mark, I'm not too far from it. But of course this is not a race and we take as long as we have to always making progress a day at a time. I wish you the best and hang in there. It will get better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Omei I am sorry you feel this broken at 2 years. I'm at one year after a 9 year relationship. I fully relate to your feelings of betrayal and the hole that has been left. I know what you mean about the connection with new people. I've never connected with another person like I did with my ex either before or after knowing her. Missing that connection makes us feel hopeless at times. We just have to beleive that it will happen for us again, because it will. There are years of life left to live, there are will be many opportunities out there in the future. Patience is the key, everything happens for a reason and also everything comes to those who wait. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Omei Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) I myself have def committed to staying NC I wouldnt dare check my ex status I know it would destroy me and open up so much more anger and saddness I can't possibly handle anymore so I dont dare, I have a made up gf for my ex in my dreams that seem to reoccur and that's painful enough. Too bad you did it =[ Since its been this long I wonder if this is the maximum healing I can get this would be the longest so far its taken me to get over a relationship I was dumped obvy while till very much in love with that person. And I feel over it, I don't look for them or wish for their return anymore I can't ever see them the same way but the memories and hurt of the person they once were never seems to leave me and it sucks. Edited October 18, 2014 by Omei 1 Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 I myself have def committed to staying NC I wouldnt dare check my ex status I know it would destroy me and open up so much more anger. Too bad you did it =[ Since its been this long I wonder if this is the maximum healing I can get this would be the longest so far its taken me to get over a relationship I was dumped obvy while till very much in love with that person. And I feel over it, I don't look for them or wish for their return anymore I can't ever see them the same way but the memories and hurt of the person they once were never seems to leave me and it sucks. There are no time limits here, I believe you certainly will heal even more from now. You obviosly loved this person with all you had, take some comfort in the fact you are a person capable of feeling such powerful emotion. I also think once you've loved and been hurt like this the only way you'll recover to the level you want will be when you're in love again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Omei Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 Omei I am sorry you feel this broken at 2 years. I'm at one year after a 9 year relationship. I fully relate to your feelings of betrayal and the hole that has been left. I know what you mean about the connection with new people. I've never connected with another person like I did with my ex either before or after knowing her. Missing that connection makes us feel hopeless at times. We just have to beleive that it will happen for us again, because it will. There are years of life left to live, there are will be many opportunities out there in the future. Patience is the key, everything happens for a reason and also everything comes to those who wait. Patience I keep using that word in my head over and over to remind myself and im not the type of girl who has a "gotta have my partner before im 40" type but id be lying if I didnt say sometimes I feel like im running out of time for especially my youthful days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Patience I keep using that word in my head over and over to remind myself and im not the type of girl who has a "gotta have my partner before im 40" type but id be lying if I didnt say sometimes I feel like im running out of time for especially my youthful days. I wish I was 29 in our situation instead of the 35 years that I am. I feel like I should be settled by now, but unfortunately life doesn't work like that. You're a young female you really are. You have plenty of time have a virtual hug from me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Omei Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 There are no time limits here, I believe you certainly will heal even more from now. You obviosly loved this person with all you had, take some comfort in the fact you are a person capable of feeling such powerful emotion. I also think once you've loved and been hurt like this the only way you'll recover to the level you want will be when you're in love again. Oh I did I loved with every fiber in my being and to them I was just the first girlfriend among many to come we had issues in our relationship but at the time I thought nothing that ever happened would break us and it was silly to think that way its just mega hard that's all. Thanks for the hug 1 Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Oh I did I loved with every fiber in my being and to them I was just the first girlfriend among many to come we had issues in our relationship but at the time I thought nothing that ever happened would break us and it was silly to think that way its just mega hard that's all. Thanks for the hug You're welcome to the hug. It is mega hard, but the fact you can say this... And I feel over it, I don't look for them or wish for their return anymore I can't ever see them the same way Means you have come such a long way. That kind of progress is something to be very pleased about. I know this because I can say the same words about my ex and if I can say that about her then it's a very monumental achievement. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Great posts, Omei and TG. I am in a similar situation where I feel over my ex but I was feeling a bit down last night as I have dated a lot since but haven't met someone I have wanted to be in a relationship, much less fallen in love. It was comforting to hear I am not alone with my situation. Your posts resonated and reignited some hope, thank you for that :-) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Brimstone Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I'm kind of in the same position Read about it here if you want: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/497186-my-story-questions I still get that "knot" in my stomach sometimes, but it does get better. It really does. Look yourself in the mirror and say: "It's gonna get better. I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna be happy." Hugs for anyone going through the same thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I think a positive thing to consider in this phase of piecing ourselves back together, is that with everyday that passes another piece of the jigsaw slots into place. Every single day is another day closer and another day less to wait for finding what we want. Whatever that may be. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I feel the same way. I've about a year and a half out of a 3 year relationship with the person I thought I would grow old with. I just have no desire to even be with a man at all. I have no desire to open up to anyone or begin to trust anyone. It's like JDPT said, my heart is cold. It's stone. I know that I can't fully heal this way, but I also wonder if I have maximized my healing at this point. That is the scariest part I think. My entire world view has changed and certainly become more cynical. More realistic maybe. Less trusting. I have a difficult time finding the same joy in everyday life that I had before. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Omei Posted October 19, 2014 Author Share Posted October 19, 2014 I feel the same way. I've about a year and a half out of a 3 year relationship with the person I thought I would grow old with. I just have no desire to even be with a man at all. I have no desire to open up to anyone or begin to trust anyone. It's like JDPT said, my heart is cold. It's stone. I know that I can't fully heal this way, but I also wonder if I have maximized my healing at this point. That is the scariest part I think. My entire world view has changed and certainly become more cynical. More realistic maybe. Less trusting. I have a difficult time finding the same joy in everyday life that I had before. maybe that will change the desire part I remember having zero desire to be with other men now im totally ready I just have a hard time believing there really is a life partner out there when I view my next long term relationship I just wonder how many years will it lasts till it crumbles and I don't see myself taking a "I love you " to heart anymore because ive learned words and promises always come to an end now, so I guess you could say the coldness hasn't gone. Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 My entire world view has changed and certainly become more cynical. More realistic maybe. Less trusting. I have a difficult time finding the same joy in everyday life that I had before. We all echo this. It's hard not to be cynical and less trusting, it's a self defence mechanism. We just have to be careful it doesn't consume us with bitterness and anger, that's a battle I have with myself quite often. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I believe I am close to fully healed and have learned a lot from my last relationship. I am also a firm believer that falling in love, whenever that may happen, will be the final element of the healing process. The things sometimes creep into my mind are that most the people I am close with around me are in healthy relationship/marriages, that the future I expected is no longer there in the capacity I wanted, and the fact my ex was able to move on quickly and as far as I know is still with the person she got into a relationship with. I know it is not a competition, but I will never understand how someone is able to move on that quickly? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 We all echo this. It's hard not to be cynical and less trusting, it's a self defence mechanism. We just have to be careful it doesn't consume us with bitterness and anger, that's a battle I have with myself quite often. I don't want to become some bitter person who never loves again and is always affected by this relationship. We all know people like that, but now I see how it happens. I have the battle quite often as well. I work with a woman who has been divorced for 8 years and is still bitter. Her husband left her for a younger woman and got the woman pregnant. They are still married. I know that's awful, but I don't want to be like her 8 years later. Another friend I know, he left his wife for another man 10 years ago. She never even went on a date again and became a hermit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I believe I am close to fully healed and have learned a lot from my last relationship. I am also a firm believer that falling in love, whenever that may happen, will be the final element of the healing process. The things sometimes creep into my mind are that most the people I am close with around me are in healthy relationship/marriages, that the future I expected is no longer there in the capacity I wanted, and the fact my ex was able to move on quickly and as far as I know is still with the person she got into a relationship with. I know it is not a competition, but I will never understand how someone is able to move on that quickly? If they move on quickly then they were emotionally moving on even before the relationship ended. My ex moved onto her next man before leaving me, this is just what some people do. It's more a reflection on them than it is us. I don't want to become some bitter person who never loves again and is always affected by this relationship. We all know people like that, but now I see how it happens. I have the battle quite often as well. I work with a woman who has been divorced for 8 years and is still bitter. Her husband left her for a younger woman and got the woman pregnant. They are still married. I know that's awful, but I don't want to be like her 8 years later. Another friend I know, he left his wife for another man 10 years ago. She never even went on a date again and became a hermit. The fact you recognise these things in other people means you have the capacity to see the bigger picture. You won't become a bitter hermit, you wouldn't allow it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Omei Posted October 19, 2014 Author Share Posted October 19, 2014 I don't want to become some bitter person who never loves again and is always affected by this relationship. We all know people like that, but now I see how it happens. I have the battle quite often as well. I work with a woman who has been divorced for 8 years and is still bitter. Her husband left her for a younger woman and got the woman pregnant. They are still married. I know that's awful, but I don't want to be like her 8 years later. Another friend I know, he left his wife for another man 10 years ago. She never even went on a date again and became a hermit. Terrifying! See with how long it takes some of us to get over just bf/gf relationships its been two years now for me I would hate to think how many years of jaded id go through if I had a failed marriage it just takes me so long. We get 80-90 good years when they say life is short they really arnt kidding I mean to meet someone and get married its a good 10-15 cut years out of our lifespan then we need many years after to heal do this for each relationship ahhh there's no time lol personally I think humans got ****ed out of their lifespans there are organisems out there with twice our lifespans and they don't do sheet its not fair =[ lol im rambling about silly stuff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I'm there with all of you still aching deeply. I'm 7 months NC now. I went on a date the other night with an attractive, mature, intelligent and kind woman and I just felt empty inside. We must remember---none of us are entitled to anything. Just because you're a good person does not mean you get to have a soul mate. It doesn't even mean you get to have success in love. Nothing is guaranteed. I think we must all be a little tough on ourselves. We must decide if we're going to keep going through life aching and impaired or make the decision to let go of these traumas. It must be a promise we make to ourselves. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Terrifying! See with how long it takes some of us to get over just bf/gf relationships its been two years now for me I would hate to think how many years of jaded id go through if I had a failed marriage it just takes me so long. We get 80-90 good years when they say life is short they really arnt kidding I mean to meet someone and get married its a good 10-15 cut years out of our lifespan then we need many years after to heal do this for each relationship ahhh there's no time lol personally I think humans got ****ed out of their lifespans there are organisems out there with twice our lifespans and they don't do sheet its not fair =[ lol im rambling about silly stuff. It's not silly at all! It's good to vent, I actually laughed about the organisms who live for so long and don't do sheet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Omei Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 We must remember---none of us are entitled to anything. Just because you're a good person does not mean you get to have a soul mate. It doesn't even mean you get to have success in love. Nothing is guaranteed.. Well it should!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Soul mates...hmmmmm Link to post Share on other sites
Exitleft Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I feel the same way. I've about a year and a half out of a 3 year relationship with the person I thought I would grow old with. I just have no desire to even be with a man at all. I have no desire to open up to anyone or begin to trust anyone. It's like JDPT said, my heart is cold. It's stone. I know that I can't fully heal this way, but I also wonder if I have maximized my healing at this point. That is the scariest part I think. My entire world view has changed and certainly become more cynical. More realistic maybe. Less trusting. I have a difficult time finding the same joy in everyday life that I had before. Exactly where I'm at. No desire for a parter whatsoever, cannot see it happening at all for myself personally. I'm content with it at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Words cannot express how happy I am that I'm not in a RS - at this point in my life. I've been long overdue for solitude and even celibacy (as trying as it can be at times.) I have sort of (to be funny) become Paul Rudd's character in 40 yo Virgin. Something that I can't change and that will just have to run it's course is me being emotionally unavailable. 15 months post BU and the pain still lingers. Link to post Share on other sites
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