For those of you who were doormats

[lostsoul6486]

Do you ever feel like calling your ex and just letting out your frustration? I've been reflecting on my relationship a lot recently because it's been on my mind a lot and it hurts. For the past few days, I thought about my initial relationship with my ex. Before we ever broke up and before she cheated when we were trying to get back together. Upon looking back, I realized that I put up with a lot of things that I definitely shouldn't have and I believed a lot of things she told me that were most likely lies. This especially hit home when I was talking to a friend who just broke up with his girl over a situation that was very similar to one that I had with my ex. He was having second thoughts about breaking up with her but I assured him he did the right thing even though I stayed with my ex after pretty much the same thing had gone down in my relationship. That's when my bias when it comes to her really hit me hard. I had some issues with things she was doing and I spoke to her about them, but I never put my foot down because I loved her and didn't want to lose her. There were things that I KNEW she was lying about but I would let her explain them away and make me feel like **** for calling her out.

 

I don't want anything to do with her. She was really not good to me at all. It's not to say things were NEVER good because they were, but there was almost always some drama running in the background (or front and center) on her part that would drag us down. Now she sees me around and expects a smile and a hello when all I want to do is tell her that I now see through all of her BS lies of the past and present. What do you suggest to combat these feelings? Besides actually contacting her of course.

[blackcat777]

I had an ex in the past that I supported because he claimed to have health issues--which were really just entitlement/not wanting to work ever in his life issues--he ran a savage burn on my bank accounts and pretty much ruined my material life.

 

I packed up and got out of the situation, quietly, but I never once tore into him with anger because it just wasn't worth the headache. Once I left, I had about three months of INTENSE anger, I felt it all, it was horrible.

 

Then, about nine months after the breakup, when I was situated in my new life and generally happy with everything and myself, it hit me out of nowhere: I wasn't angry anymore.

 

I never did have to tear into him (which I fantasized about a lot, especially early on) to feel better. Time really did fix it.

 

That, and I learned a lot of ways to fix myself.

 

Just be the person you want to be, and forgive yourself. Even if it doesn't feel like it's working right now, one day it will, and you will rejoice. I think everyone always has the choice to lift themselves above whatever bad vibes, but it can be tough when your emotions are so powerful at the moment.

[Reels]

You have to learn, how you can control your emotions.

 

It is very hard for some years, but you will know someday.

[carhill]

For those of you who were doormats

Do you ever feel like calling your ex and just letting out your frustration?

 

TBH, never did, even during our D when things did get a bit frustrating. In retrospect, she taught me a lot about being less of a doormat so I thank her for that, even today.

[lostsoul6486]

I just never feel good. I'm always either really down or really angry. At this moment, I'm extremely down. Just the thought of her being with someone else absolutely kills me and that's what's on my mind right now. Her moving on with her new squeeze. In about 30 minutes I'll be done wallowing but only because I will force myself to think about how much of a liar she was.

 

I put on this fake smile and act like everything is ok with my friends, but it's really not and the fact that I see her so often makes it so much worse. I want to avoid her, but she's always around. Her new boyfriend is apparently really busy because she's around without him a lot. She wouldn't bring him around if she thought I would be there so I've never seen her with him. The one good thing I had going when I found out about him was that she would be around less but she hasn't been. I don't see her everywhere, but I see her often enough that it's bothersome. Nobody knows about her cheating when we tried again. Everyone thinks we broke up 9 months ago and that I'm over it. I'm not.

[Ducky71]

Besides actually contacting her?

 

Write an email, just don't send it...

 

Tap out every bit of anger, betrayal and frustration you have, just don't send it...

 

Really lay into her, give her both barrels, get pissed, just dont send it...

 

Save it, go back and read it when you're having a moment of weakness and are thinking about contacting her, it'll remind you of why that's a bad idea...

 

Worked for me, was cathartic

[Mirages]

Write an email, just don't send it...

 

Yes, don't send it... With you as a past doormat the offender will "Use anything you say against you." I found it most beneficial to exercise and invest in my kids, also some home improvement. If the damage is deep, it may also be a good time for career investment, i.e. time and overtime, not for life, but to relieve the pain.

 

While prodding the coals in the fire at this stage might seem right, it comes to a point where, for me, internal reflection and investment in me helped. Answering the interviews of mutual friends early on was a short term fix, not recommended, as were any explanations to her.

 

Just the thought of her being with someone else absolutely kills me and that's what's on my mind right now.

 

Call me different, but I was never angry at the adulterous potential (not proven, but potential), if she is unacceptable as a mate, then the next logical response is to let her run with others to relieve any more problems with you, eh? Emotions run against this grain, but think it thru bro.

[lostsoul6486]

Yes, don't send it... With you as a past doormat the offender will "Use anything you say against you." I found it most beneficial to exercise and invest in my kids, also some home improvement. If the damage is deep, it may also be a good time for career investment, i.e. time and overtime, not for life, but to relieve the pain.

 

While prodding the coals in the fire at this stage might seem right, it comes to a point where, for me, internal reflection and investment in me helped. Answering the interviews of mutual friends early on was a short term fix, not recommended, as were any explanations to her.

 

 

 

Call me different, but I was never angry at the adulterous potential (not proven, but potential), if she is unacceptable as a mate, then the next logical response is to let her run with others to relieve any more problems with you, eh? Emotions run against this grain, but think it thru bro.

 

Thanks for the response. I'm angry at all of the lies that she probably told me, but I'm more hurt than anything. I think it took us trying to get back together and her cheating for me to finally realize that she was really capable of doing what I thought she would never do. She had her two previous boyfriends cheat on her and she always told me how much it hurt and how she would never do that to anyone. Whenever I felt like she was lying and I would call her out, she would explain it away and turn it on me. Like you said, the offender will, "Use anything you say against you," and I took it because I didn't want to believe she would do anything like that. I have a lot of anger and pain going on inside of me right now and I would rather just be pissed than sad if that makes any sense. It fluctuates, but feeling depressed is the worst part of it by far. At least when I'm angry I see that the relationship wasn't all that great. When I'm down, I just think of all of the good times until I force myself to think of all of the bad and make myself angry. I used to always be carefree and happy and I'm just not that guy anymore and it really sucks.

[johnson_j]

lost - I used to feel the same way you did. Similar story, similar issues. There are times that I still think about it (daily, at least) but it doesn't affect me much like it used to. Two things I did to move on past it: I wrote her a letter, it pretty much laid out that I knew she was dishonest but I wished her well. Forgiveness is divine.

 

 

The second thing is I think of the deceit - the statements from her like "Id never be with a cheater" while she was cheating, and "I'm a one guy girl" while she was with two guys. And then I realize that not only would I never want to be with someone who is a liar, she DOESN'T DESERVE a guy like me. I treated her like gold, and I'm certain if she doesn't regret it yet, she will one day.

 

 

So that's how I processed the whole thing. Your happiness is up to YOU and only YOU, don't let some lying unappreciative woman bring you down.

[Mirages]

LostSoul, how dug in were you? Years of rel, kids, mairrage, common property?

 

I had a decade and a half married plus kids and property. I survived; if this was easy everyone would do it (split), but at times it is both necessary and prudent. When it is, you forge ahead slowly.

[lostsoul6486]

LostSoul, how dug in were you? Years of rel, kids, mairrage, common property?

 

I had a decade and a half married plus kids and property. I survived; if this was easy everyone would do it (split), but at times it is both necessary and prudent. When it is, you forge ahead slowly.

 

No kids or marriage, thank God. I'm glad to hear you turned out ok because when things like kids are involved, it could get extremely messy. One of my close friends had that happen to him a couple of years ago and I don't wish that on my worst enemy. His wife cheated on him and they got a divorce. Working out the property situation and how they were going to handle their two kids took a toll on him.

 

My ex would talk about getting engaged about seven months into the relationship, but I wasn't having it. I'm too young to propose (22 years old and getting my degree this December) and I want to graduate and get into my career before I'm ready to settle down. Just to be clear, I explained that to her and she was ok with it so that had nothing to do with the break up. We were dating for a year. I just fell extremely hard for her. She was my first real love.

[dumbass2]

TBH, never did, even during our D when things did get a bit frustrating. In retrospect, she taught me a lot about being less of a doormat so I thank her for that, even today.

 

Great way of looking at. We make the choice. I made the choice to be a doormat in my relationship, she didn't force me to. If I wasn't, it may have ended sooner, but I'm trying to learn from it and I will not be one in my next relationship. I still am today because I am not being honest with myself and have broken no contact with my ex. My brain is still telling me one thing and my heart another.

 

When the day comes that you can forgive yourself and your ex, then, I think you are then in the place you want and need to be. This is my brain talking.

 

When my heart and brain get on the same page, I will be a wise man (and ready to date again!)

[dumbass2]

No kids or marriage, thank God. I'm glad to hear you turned out ok because when things like kids are involved, it could get extremely messy. One of my close friends had that happen to him a couple of years ago and I don't wish that on my worst enemy. His wife cheated on him and they got a divorce. Working out the property situation and how they were going to handle their two kids took a toll on him.

 

My ex would talk about getting engaged about seven months into the relationship, but I wasn't having it. I'm too young to propose (22 years old and getting my degree this December) and I want to graduate and get into my career before I'm ready to settle down. Just to be clear, I explained that to her and she was ok with it so that had nothing to do with the break up. We were dating for a year. I just fell extremely hard for her. She was my first real love.

 

You sound like a smart guy. Unfortunately our heart and brain do not always work together on the same page. I am in a situation similar to yours. What I did one time, and it helped, I talked to a good friend and she let me call her and pretend to be my ex. I really went at it with her. It felt good only she wouldn't let me have make up sex with her when I was done:D.

 

I also have written many letters and unfortunately sent one email and one letter early on which I would never do again, but now I know to write down my feelings when I have tough moments and I just save them to my computer. I've gone back weeks, months later and thanked god I did not send them. Feelings constantly change. I keep writing and saving and then going back and deleting. I see I am making some progress by what I am writing down, but I'm not over her yet and I just broke no contact. We will get better if we allow ourselves to.

 

Best of luck and hang in there!

(Oh, to be 22 again!)

[lostsoul6486]

I just saw her right now at a school event with her new bf. She came up and said hi to me. I coldly said hi back and she awkwardly stood there and said, "Ok," and walked away. I really want to text her and tell her to stop pretending like everything is ok because it's not. I want to tell her that I know she's a liar and that she should not just come up and say hi and expect me to be ok with it. She's so full of **** that I just can't stand it. I don't think I've ever been this upset. I typed out a text and it said the following:

 

"You have some nerve. You cheated on me and as far as I could tell it was more than once. Have a good life and enjoy your new bf, but don't expect me to greet you with a hello and a smile when I see you around."

 

I'm dying to send it. I'm so mad/depressed right now.

Edited October 17, 2014 by lostsoul6486

[Mirages]

I'd say your interactions here anonymously are more therapeutic than any broadcast to her. I held a position that was a bit public at one point, the ex chose to broadcast her story to key individuals. Like most professionals they kind of didn't want to play that story, but hey, it is not good. Some of what is broadcasted by exes are snippets of text/audio interactions they've collected. No different than a political campaign. I really don't think you need to send anything mean; smothering with detached kindness is a good strategy, check out what I wrote below, I think it may satisfy your cravings, and be the right approach. Belligerence is overrated.

 

"I noticed things seem to be going well for you; that is exactly what I hoped for. As we occupy our new pastures, we find that a period of turbulence is replaced with blessings. Anyhow I just wanted to express that I am glad we are both coming out of this stronger! I am sure you will do just fine, you seemed to have a strong circle of friends to support you."

 

The final line is a pun intended for the cheating aspect...

Edited October 17, 2014 by Mirages

[lostsoul6486]

I'd say your interactions here anonymously are more therapeutic than any broadcast to her. I held a position that was a bit public at one point, the ex chose to broadcast her story to key individuals. Like most professionals they kind of didn't want to play that story, but hey, it is not good. Some of what is broadcasted by exes are snippets of text/audio interactions they've collected. No different than a political campaign. I really don't think you need to send anything mean; smothering with detached kindness is a good strategy, check out what I wrote below, I think it may satisfy your cravings, and be the right approach. Belligerence is overrated.

 

"I noticed things seem to be going well for you; that is exactly what I hoped for. As we occupy our new pastures, we find that a period of turbulence is replaced with blessings. Anyhow I just wanted to express that I am glad we are both coming out of this stronger! I am sure you will do just fine, you seemed to have a strong circle of friends to support you."

 

The final line is a pun intended for the cheating aspect...

 

Thanks for this. I didn't send her anything. I left where I was and came home. I just want her to leave me alone and pretend I'm not there whenever she sees me. I gave her a really cold hello when she approached me today and she definitely noticed. The tone of her voice when she said, "Ok," sounded like she felt like I was being rude. Hopefully she gets the hint and stays the hell away from me.

 

I was supposed to go out drinking tonight when the event ended, but I didn't feel up to it. I left early and came straight home. My closest friend texted me and asked if I was ok. He noticed that my ex was there with her new boyfriend. I cracked and told him everything that has happened. I let out a lot of my frustration about her on him. I told him how mad I was and how sick it made me to see her tonight. It felt really good to just let all of the details out to him. Since we broke up, I have never talked bad to anyone about my ex because, for some reason, I don't want people to look at her differently or be mad at her for what she did to me. I just said to hell with that for tonight though when I was speaking to my friend. I was so pissed off and I'm still upset/depressed. Hopefully I get some sleep tonight.

[Justaguy30]

I was in a similar situation. The problem here is that she is over you and you are not over her. I promise you that if you had some new woman in your life she would be losing her **** but as of now she feels that she is in control of the situation which is the case with most women that do those sorts of things. Control is absolutely everything to her. She likely goes to places she knows that you go just to haunt you so maybe start hanging out in new spots or sort of disappear for a while. Find new bars or clubs or restaurants to go to. I promise you she won't be so smug when you all of a sudden are no longer really around. As for your friends thinking you are over her, if they are your real friends tell them you are still having negative feelings about the situation and would prefer to hang at places she won't show up at. If you have learned anything out of this I hope its that you should trust yourself not what someone else is telling you. Also if you start asking questions and someone gets angry it is usually because you are getting close to the truth and they don't want that. Its a sure sign you need to exit the relationship even if you do love someone more than anything. She probably feels as though she has won because to people that cheat and lie everything is about winning and losing and control. If you have not already block her from everything. You should try dating yourself even if you are not super interested in someone just go out there and take some women out, it will make you feel better and one of the best tools in getting over someone else is having interest in someone new.

 

I am sorry you are still having a hard time 9 months out, I am as well. My ex also wants me to smile and be friendly but I would rather just never see her again. Also if you do decide to contact her she will once again gain another sense of power over you which she already knows she has. If you do see her don't be friendly but appear to be very happy if at all possible. It will feel good to gain some sense of control over the way she feels about you trust me.

Edited October 17, 2014 by Justaguy30

[lostsoul6486]

I was in a similar situation. The problem here is that she is over you and you are not over her. I promise you that if you had some new woman in your life she would be losing her **** but as of now she feels that she is in control of the situation which is the case with most women that do those sorts of things. Control is absolutely everything to her. She likely goes to places she knows that you go just to haunt you so maybe start hanging out in new spots or sort of disappear for a while. Find new bars or clubs or restaurants to go to. I promise you she won't be so smug when you all of a sudden are no longer really around. As for your friends thinking you are over her, if they are your real friends tell them you are still having negative feelings about the situation and would prefer to hang at places she won't show up at. If you have learned anything out of this I hope its that you should trust yourself not what someone else is telling you. Also if you start asking questions and someone gets angry it is usually because you are getting close to the truth and they don't want that. Its a sure sign you need to exit the relationship even if you do love someone more than anything. She probably feels as though she has won because to people that cheat and lie everything is about winning and losing and control. If you have not already block her from everything. You should try dating yourself even if you are not super interested in someone just go out there and take some women out, it will make you feel better and one of the best tools in getting over someone else is having interest in someone new.

 

I am sorry you are still having a hard time 9 months out, I am as well. My ex also wants me to smile and be friendly but I would rather just never see her again. Also if you do decide to contact her she will once again gain another sense of power over you which she already knows she has. If you do see her don't be friendly but appear to be very happy if at all possible. It will feel good to gain some sense of control over the way she feels about you trust me.

 

Like I said, I'm never really happy anymore, but I've gotten pretty good at faking it (fake it till you make it I guess). Last night, I was talking and laughing and "having a good time" until she came up to me. She came in with a big smile and a hello expecting the same in return and I just coldly said hi, which she didn't like.

 

Football is a big deal at my university and it's my last semester here. I want to enjoy it and tailgate my ass off, but she is there as well. I've done pretty well avoiding her at bars and restaurants. The problem comes with anything school related and sometimes with parties of mutual friends. Actually, the last time she saw me before last night, I was with another girl. She tried to play it off like it didn't bother her, but I know it did by the way she was acting.

 

I just want to stop caring, but it's so hard to pretend I'm not mad/sad when she's around. When she's not around, I could pull it off but when she is.....it sucks.

[ComingInHot]

Your best bet for unloading? Unload her out of your mind and heart to make room for happiness on your own and when the time is right with another. It takes about the same amount of energy though as flailing between anger and sadness but the result is a focused and healthy mind and ultimately 'real' happiness. No faking needed.

 

Does that mean you chat with her or hand a smile back when you see her. Nope.

But it does mean you can genuinely smile at others around her and without her*

 

Be well and you will get there, if you really want to,

CiH*

[lostsoul6486]

Thanks again for all of the responses. I'm trying my best to stay busy and not think about her, but I spend a lot more time than I like to admit doing it. I think part of the reason why this is so hard is because I'm feeling a lot of the pain from our initial relationship that I never faced while it was happening. When she lied to me and it hurt me, I would bottle it up and let her BS explanations and compounding lies explain things away. After we broke up, I still never dealt with those things because I was too busy grieving and hoping to get her back. I was satisfied with her explanations because I didn't want to believe she was capable of lying the way that I'm now almost certain she did. Having her blatantly cheat like she did when she was supposedly reconciling with me just opened my mind to the fact that she very well IS capable of it and she probably very well DID do it. The difference was that when we were together, she had appearances to keep with people. She couldn't just be seen dating another guy while she was with me. When we were trying to get back together recently, it was very discreet. Nobody knew we were seeing each other again so if she was seen with someone else, it was no big deal. I know she didn't meet him and become his girlfriend in the span of ten days that I was gone.

[Justaguy30]

I don't know how you can stand to be around her so often. I would lose my cool for sure. I can't even stand to see my ex in person. She sounds like a evil little bitch just like my ex, she only cares about herself so be happy that she isn't in your life anymore. Imagine if you had a child with this woman or had married her and then things turned out this way.... I fully understand totally loving someone who doesn't deserve it and just wanting to feel the way you used to with her but its not going to happen and you don't want that in your life. Best move you could make is to just be a ghost, maybe try spending the rest of your time in school there without going to parties with mutual friends and what not. You won't start healing until she isn't around anymore.

[Mirages]

I would bottle it up and let her BS explanations and compounding lies explain things away.

 

I guess we have something in common, contraceptive lie twice. I ultimately knew it and accepted it without apology, full denial. One day I revisited the evidence and divorced. Not sure that it is ever going to work to accept patterns of lies. At least after the split I have two wonderful kids as a result, may not be what you want... Be strong, move on.