Should I contact my ex?

[xyz1234]

So it's been a little over 2 months now since the breakup. We met two weeks after it happened to talk about it since it was initiated over text, and then a couple weeks after that we texted a bit. It was friendly but I didn't want to have to be the one to always initiate conversations so we haven't really talked (in depth at least) for about a month now.

 

This past week she FB messaged me a a Buzzfeed link she knew I'd like, and I replied the next day basically just saying it was funny and asking what she was doing up at 3:30am on a work day when she sent it. She said she's been having trouble sleeping recently and I basically just said "that sucks :/" and the conversation ended. Then she Snapchatted me yesterday. Nothing personal, just something she saw that was funny and I figured it was sent to a group of people so I didn't reply.

 

I'm kind of just not sure what to do. We told one another we wanted to stay friends, and I know everyone says this and no one really means it, but I think we both did. We were friends for a while before dating, and I really do believe we can be great together as friends. As long as I don't actually need to put up with her crazy behavior the way her new guy does (she's apparently still dating the guy she started dating within a week of the breakup). I also don't really have any female friends, and it would be nice to have a female perspective to talk about things with, etc.

 

I'm still hurting a bit but I'm starting to think it's because she's no longer in my life at all. I feel like losing a girlfriend but keeping a friend is so much better than losing her altogether. I'm starting to feel better about the fact that she's seeing someone else even though it really hurt at first, and I have a first date set up for this weekend so that helps too.

 

I'm just not really sure what to do because all I see is "NC!!! You need to remain NC!!!" haha. But the fact is the last time we broke up for over a week we talked as friends throughout, and even though she kept reaffirming the fact that she didn't want to date me anymore I still felt so much better than I have this time around. And I think it's because we were at least still talking...

 

Anyway, what do you guys think I should do?

[Always Pondering]

You should already know what people are going to tell you as well as the answer yourself.

 

My writing style was very similar to yours when I was in a very similar situation and trust me, the 'friends' stuff, the 'talking to her is better than nothing even though I'm hurting' and all that doesn't matter. The buzzfeed links, cute songs, snapchats, all have no significance. She even told you more than once that she doesn't want to date you anymore. The message is very clear here.

 

What you should do is, wait for it... go NC!

[Mr Scorpio]

But the fact is the last time we broke up for over a week we talked as friends throughout, and even though she kept reaffirming the fact that she didn't want to date me anymore I still felt so much better than I have this time around. And I think it's because we were at least still talking...

 

So, you've broken up with this person more than once? That means you went from friends-relationship-friends-relationship-friends? Vicious cycle. I've never seen such a relationship last, at least not in a happy way.

 

Continuing to talk to her is like continuing to have "just a sip" or "just once sweet hit of that rock". Stay away.

[Cupid's Puppet]

No. You didn't have to follow up the title with all those paragraphs. It really doesn't matter what you say, the answer will always be "No". Eventually one person will even stop caring about the faux friendship. A female perspective to talk about things with....sounds much like a girlfriend.

 

You're always the one to initiate because she has moved on from you as a girlfriend and as a friend. Take a hint and move on too.

[Itspointless]

and even though she kept reaffirming the fact that she didn't want to date me anymore I still felt so much better than I have this time around. And I think it's because we were at least still talking...

I think that are the chemicals (hormones) in our bodies talking when getting their dose of what we are addicted too: our exes. A year ago I noticed how I felt when I went to her to talk and say goodbye (long distance). Just being in her pressence made me happier than not being with her, even though she felt farther away than ever. That taught me something: at that moment I coudn't trust my mind. There is research about this, read about it (same principle why abused people return to their abusers).

[xyz1234]

But the fact is the last time we broke up for over a week we talked as friends throughout, and even though she kept reaffirming the fact that she didn't want to date me anymore I still felt so much better than I have this time around. And I think it's because we were at least still talking...

 

So, you've broken up with this person more than once? That means you went from friends-relationship-friends-relationship-friends? Vicious cycle. I've never seen such a relationship last, at least not in a happy way.

 

Continuing to talk to her is like continuing to have "just a sip" or "just once sweet hit of that rock". Stay away.

 

Yeah, when we broke up for a week she texted me and said she didn't think it was working and that we should just be friends, but then we met to talk about things a week later and she realized she wanted me back. It wasn't really a vicious cycle, I barely count it as a breakup really and kind of had the feeling all along that she'd change her mind.

 

No. You didn't have to follow up the title with all those paragraphs. It really doesn't matter what you say, the answer will always be "No". Eventually one person will even stop caring about the faux friendship. A female perspective to talk about things with....sounds much like a girlfriend.

 

You're always the one to initiate because she has moved on from you as a girlfriend and as a friend. Take a hint and move on too.

 

I'm not really always the one to initiate. Like I said she has been in touch but I didn't really respond in a way that made it seem like I wanted to have a conversation with her (because at the time I didn't feel ready to hear about her new life without me).

 

The other thing that bugs me is that (I know everyone says this but I really thought it would be true) from the start we told one another that we felt like whatever happens in the relationship we have great conversation, etc, and wanted to always remain friends if the relationship didn't work out. I know it's naive and that that sort of thing almost never happens but I've seen it happen. My sister is still great friends with two of her exes and they hang out all the time.

 

That seems like a way more adult way to handle things than to just never speak to one another again. You share this great connection with someone and just because some differences cause the romantic relationship to end that means the relationship has to end altogether? That just doesn't sit well with me.

[Zahara]

My sister is still great friends with two of her exes and they hang out all the time. That seems like a way more adult way to handle things than to just never speak to one another again. You share this great connection with someone and just because some differences cause the romantic relationship to end that means the relationship has to end altogether? That just doesn't sit well with me.

 

No one said you can't have a friendship with an ex. It works for some, it doesn't for others.

 

But that happens when the emotional attachment is broken. It cannot happen when one is still emotional about the other.

 

You can't want this great connection but then question contact and feel confused by it. What would be difficult in taking more time for yourself to heal and maybe in time when both of you have moved on or when you can see her as a friend in the true sense, possibly then rekindle that friendship?

[SoThatHappened]

I'm just not really sure what to do because all I see is "NC!!! You need to remain NC!!!"

Yes, that's what 99% of people say on here, and it's correct most of the time.

 

Sometimes posters just say it because everyone else is saying it, and that's the only reason. Doesn't mean it fits every situation and is the correct advice 100% of the time.

 

NC is to separate yourself and heal. That's it.

 

I've been in your situation. I was somewhat friends with my latest ex, then dated, brokeup, remained in contact, then got back together. However, after breaking up the second time, I've implemented NC because she hurt me. And, surprise, NC has helped immensely.

 

However, I still have feelings and our breakup wasn't amicable.

 

It sounds like you and your friend/ex can get along well.

 

I'm glad Zahara posted with something besides "NC/Block/Delete!!!" She's right. Sometimes it's not the end-all be-all answer.

 

If you honestly think you can stay in contact and it not hurt or hinder you, then by all means. It sounds like you're doing fine even though she has a new guy.

 

Not every relationship has to end without being friends. It's rare to be able to be friends, but not impossible.

[herself]

Id say unless she has a chance to really miss you she wont feel the loss of you and if you're right there every time she reaches out she won't respect you and will take it forgranted that she can change her mind and be in and out of your life while she figures out what she wants.

My best advice...be very gone right now and do NOT respond to breadcrumbs.

Theres a chance she may not want you anymore but wants the validation of knowing you're there for her and missing her and your helping ease the guilt of her dumping you by allowing her to play the friend card.

She needs to see you gone and moving on and being independent and bettering yourself to REALLY think..I cant lose him.

Think of this...if nothing changes in you, nothing is different or improved...why would another chance work? It's the same relationship.

Go out and get busy making your life good...gym...new friends...better job...new hobby...whatever. You might like that so much you decide SHE is now not good enough for YOU.

Get busy. Forget her wishy washy behavior right now. If its meant to be it wont be right now...its your time. DON'T take breadcrumbs.

[xyz1234]

No one said you can't have a friendship with an ex. It works for some, it doesn't for others.

 

But that happens when the emotional attachment is broken. It cannot happen when one is still emotional about the other.

 

You can't want this great connection but then question contact and feel confused by it. What would be difficult in taking more time for yourself to heal and maybe in time when both of you have moved on or when you can see her as a friend in the true sense, possibly then rekindle that friendship?

 

Thanks Zahara, this makes a lot of sense. I guess I'm just having a hard time breaking the emotional attachment. I go through cycles of feeling like I am over her and then feeling like I'm totally not and want her back.

 

It doesn't help that there was some drama last weekend because my ex and my sister have some mutual friends, and my ex found out that my sister had drunkenly told them she's crazy about a month ago. She texted me last Friday saying that my sister shouldn't be running her mouth telling her friends she's crazy when she hasn't even met her. My sister ended up apologizing and saying she had no right to say that and that she had just deduced that she seemed crazy from what I told her about the circumstances of the breakup (which were pretty crazy).

 

A couple days later that I texted her again to say hi and make sure we're still on good terms, and she said we were. I echoed what my sister had said in her apology and also told her that I know the breakup wasn't all her fault and that I made some big mistakes. I kind of just wanted to get that out there for some reason. I then said "but anyway, how have you been?" and she never responded. So now I think I may have made things awkward by bringing up that I made mistakes, I don't know. At the time I was just feeling guilty about the mistakes I know I made and hadn't really acknowledged.

 

But yeah, I guess I'm just going to have to wait and try to heal more and completely lose the emotional attachment.

[xyz1234]

Id say unless she has a chance to really miss you she wont feel the loss of you and if you're right there every time she reaches out she won't respect you and will take it forgranted that she can change her mind and be in and out of your life while she figures out what she wants.

My best advice...be very gone right now and do NOT respond to breadcrumbs.

Theres a chance she may not want you anymore but wants the validation of knowing you're there for her and missing her and your helping ease the guilt of her dumping you by allowing her to play the friend card.

She needs to see you gone and moving on and being independent and bettering yourself to REALLY think..I cant lose him.

Think of this...if nothing changes in you, nothing is different or improved...why would another chance work? It's the same relationship.

Go out and get busy making your life good...gym...new friends...better job...new hobby...whatever. You might like that so much you decide SHE is now not good enough for YOU.

Get busy. Forget her wishy washy behavior right now. If its meant to be it wont be right now...its your time. DON'T take breadcrumbs.

 

Yeah, you're probably right about her not feeling the loss unless she gets a chance to really miss me. The problem is, she jumps from one relationship to the next and never takes time to feel the loss. She was with a new guy within a week of the breakup and that's been the pattern for her over her last 5 years and 5 relationships. She's been single for a TOTAL of about 2 months over those 5 years. Our first date was a week after she broke up with her ex of 1.5 years, and she initiated contact on online dating during the same weekend of the breakup. She did actually seem to want him back after we broke up, but he was in another relationship already.

 

Yeah, I'm working on improving my life but there really isn't much that she would ever find out about anyway since the only place she sees me is Facebook and I barely use it. She'd see if I got into a new relationship or something but that's about it, and at that point it wouldn't really matter.

 

It would probably go a long way toward making me feel better if it was easy for me to get dates and meet new people but it's not. I mean, I do online dating and could have plenty of dates but I have high standards. I need to be both attracted and have stimulating conversation or I'm not going to want to waste my time meeting someone, and girls who hit both of those marks are very rare.

 

I kind of wish I could be more like my her and have almost no standards for who I start a relationship with. I know she's on the other extreme to the way I am and that's obviously not good, but it's gotta make a person feel better to feel like there's someone else out there who mutually wants to be with them. It's tough knowing that in 27 years of life only one person you've liked has liked you enough to start a relationship. I guess I just really need to feel like I have other good options.

[herself]

Yeah, you're probably right about her not feeling the loss unless she gets a chance to really miss me. The problem is, she jumps from one relationship to the next and never takes time to feel the loss. She was with a new guy within a week of the breakup and that's been the pattern for her over her last 5 years and 5 relationships. She's been single for a TOTAL of about 2 months over those 5 years. Our first date was a week after she broke up with her ex of 1.5 years, and she initiated contact on online dating during the same weekend of the breakup. She did actually seem to want him back after we broke up, but he was in another relationship already.

 

Yeah, I'm working on improving my life but there really isn't much that she would ever find out about anyway since the only place she sees me is Facebook and I barely use it. She'd see if I got into a new relationship or something but that's about it, and at that point it wouldn't really matter.

 

It would probably go a long way toward making me feel better if it was easy for me to get dates and meet new people but it's not. I mean, I do online dating and could have plenty of dates but I have high standards. I need to be both attracted and have stimulating conversation or I'm not going to want to waste my time meeting someone, and girls who hit both of those marks are very rare.

 

I kind of wish I could be more like my her and have almost no standards for who I start a relationship with. I know she's on the other extreme to the way I am and that's obviously not good, but it's gotta make a person feel better to feel like there's someone else out there who mutually wants to be with them. It's tough knowing that in 27 years of life only one person you've liked has liked you enough to start a relationship. I guess I just really need to feel like I have other good options.

 

Well she would feel the loss because she is messaging you and your responding so when you stop that she will get the message and no more ego strokes for her.

Plus, if the girl has low standards what do you want with her anyways.

She was probably bringing you down and your self esteem is feeling low so in a way she is stroking your ego too by reaching out and so its a bad cycle.

Start lifting weights and running and change your music.

Also dont be shallow about women and looks, go out as friends and just consider conversation and learning new things.

If she doesn't find out...eff her.

You should block her on fb anyways its just going to hurt and keep her in your mind if you dont. Actually I just deleted my fb for months and that's put me in such a better mental space.

You can do this. Take a break from LS and FB and get moving.

[xyz1234]

Well she would feel the loss because she is messaging you and your responding so when you stop that she will get the message and no more ego strokes for her.

Plus, if the girl has low standards what do you want with her anyways.

She was probably bringing you down and your self esteem is feeling low so in a way she is stroking your ego too by reaching out and so its a bad cycle.

Start lifting weights and running and change your music.

Also dont be shallow about women and looks, go out as friends and just consider conversation and learning new things.

If she doesn't find out...eff her.

You should block her on fb anyways its just going to hurt and keep her in your mind if you dont. Actually I just deleted my fb for months and that's put me in such a better mental space.

You can do this. Take a break from LS and FB and get moving.

 

Well, I've responded when she's messaged me but over the past month it's only happened twice, including when she texted to tell me about how she found out my sister told her friends she's crazy. So I don't really think she is feeling the loss, especially when she's seeing another guy. At least I think she's still seeing him...

 

We're FB friends but I've unfollowed her so I don't see any of her posts. My sister is FB friends with her too though and told me she changed her profile pic to one of her and the new guy, but then changed it to one of just her like a day later, and she's apparently not showing as being in a relationship (which is odd for her if they are still dating, as you can probably tell she usually moves ridiculously fast).

 

I probably shouldn't have said she has low standards. She's just desperate to get married and have kids and can't be alone... I guess there's a slight difference? Being that way makes it so she tends to latch on to one of the first guys she meets after a breakup and her outgoing personality can hook you. I actually believe she has a personality disorder, possibly BPD. So she idealizes a new guy and makes him feel incredible very early on, and it's hard for a guy to resist.

 

I guess that's one thing that sucks about lifting weights year round haha, I don't have that to fall back on as a way to improve myself after a breakup. I've been lifting consistently for 5 years now and it's one of my favorite things to do. I have been going to the gym a bit more now because I have more time but that's about it, pretty much the status quo. I'm not sure what to change about my music.

 

Yeah, I know, I shouldn't be shallow about women and looks but I can't seem to help it. Most of the girls who message me on online dating sites I'm just not attracted to in the slightest bit. I could not in a million years date a girl as unattractive as my exes new guy, haha. It would be nice if I could go out as friends without it costing me money, but the fact is if a guy goes on a date the girl expects him to pay. I'm not paying to be with a girl I'm not attracted to just for the conversation.

 

As far as blocking her on FB, I just don't see much point since I've unfollowed her. I could see her profile and pics if I wanted to but I don't, so it's not hurting me. And since I did want to eventually be friends I feel like blocking her would just be another thing that would hurt the chances of that ever happening. And it makes it look like seeing her is hurting me, because it's not like she's harassing me or anything.