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My fiancé was somebody's booty call


rogerrabbit3213

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rogerrabbit3213

Myself and my fiancé have been together for five years now and we're a really strong couple. I'm not the kind of person who's into sleazy stuff and while it doesn't bother me with other people doing it, ever since I've been going out to clubs and seen girls going home with different guys each night I realised I wouldn't like to be with a girl who has a history of stuff like that. I took a kind of "what goes around comes around" approach and as such I've never had a one night stand or anything myself.

 

My fiancé is the same and though I believe she's slept with quite a few guys she's always had a six week rule which she has stuck to and therefore its not an enormous number and there hadn't been anything sleazy. About nine months before me she split up with a long term boyfriend who she was planning on marrying and she took it hard. She basically went off the rails at this point and started hooking up with a friend just for sex for a while and then later on had a one night stand. I really hate knowing that the love of my life has done this stuff though I've sort of managed to accept the one night stand (I met the guy in the early days, he was actually an alright guy and was still cool to me even though I cock-blocked him when he was after my girl again). The main problem is the other booty call guu,. I'd already met the guy and he's a total cunt. Some smug, self satisfied prick. The idea that he used my fiancé for sex, she let him, and that she liked it, completely tears me apart and I'm still having sleepless nights thing about it five years later. The fiance knows I don't like this but I'm not sure she realises the extent of the problem for me, I haven't talked to her about it in years as I just figure there's nothing she can do about it. She still chats to him occasionally which really bothers me and even told me what a sound bloke she thought he was.

 

The more time I spend with her the more I love her, and the more I love her the more it hurts me to know this. This is just a venting post largely (and possibly in the wrong subforum) but if anyone can say anything to make me feel better it would be appreciated.

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The more time I spend with her the more I love her, and the more I love her the more it hurts me to know this. This is just a venting post largely (and possibly in the wrong subforum) but if anyone can say anything to make me feel better it would be appreciated.

I don't think you can get over this feeling. Consider the possibility of dumping her before she cheat on you. She has thing for scambugs, she did it once and most definitely will do it again.

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rogerrabbit3213

Steady on, I think you misunderstand. She's never cheated on me and we've been together for five years. This happened shortly before we got together. I trust her completely and I've never had any reason to think otherwise.

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Tough. I understand your sentiment but you went forward with her anyway knowing this. And are getting married and love her more every day. So throwing that away is probably not an option, not a good one anyway ;)

 

 

What stands out to me is that you not spoken about it to her in years. Maybe you two should work on your communication. You are engaged so I can't imagine bringing it up would be hard to do. The way it is going now you are going to be more and more resentful of her so just let her know what is bothering oyu. Perhaps also ask her to stop talking to her former FWB. If she is into you as much as you into her this shouldn't be a problem since it is hurting you.

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rogerrabbit3213

I knew about her history from the start, she actually commented on how little I seemed to be bothered about it which unfortunately led me to more details than I noe want to know. I wasn't that into her at first, simple as that. Our first year was incredibly rocky and we broke up all the time, it was when this stuff started to bother me that I realised we were starting to work well together.

 

I'm probably going to talk to her about it tonight to be honest, if we have any communication issues its always my fault because I'm not exactly a feely kind of guy, she's more than happy to talk about things. This has cone up lately because of a few things I've heard over the past few weeks that made me think that there's this big four or five year period in her life before HSR last boyfriend where she was basically going around having loads of one night stands. I tried to hold it in for a couple of weeks but she knew something was wrong and she got me to talk about it eventually. I didn't want to talk to her because I was worried about what I'd say, I thought I might get angry with her, and I thought I wouldn't like what I heard. We spoke about it and it turned out I was worried about nothing in the end but not before I had a humongous crying session.

 

Let me get one thing straight, I'm a 31 year old stiff upper lip kinda guy from northern England and I haven't cried since I was 12, literally thought I wasn't capable of it. When I burst into tears in front of her it was like a huge milestone in my life and she immediately realised how upset I was (and erupted into tears herself, but she cries at anything).

 

Obviously I'm not going to leave her, we're best friends and we spend all our time together when we're not at work and lots of people comment on what a good couple we are. I don't know what I'd do without her, it's just not something I can picture nowadays.

 

Like you say though, tough. I'll probably just have another cry tonight and feel the same afterwards but she won't be happy if I don't tell her something's wrong (after this last thing I promised I'd be more open).

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I knew about her history from the start, she actually commented on how little I seemed to be bothered about it which unfortunately led me to more details than I noe want to know. I wasn't that into her at first, simple as that. Our first year was incredibly rocky and we broke up all the time, it was when this stuff started to bother me that I realised we were starting to work well together.

 

I'm probably going to talk to her about it tonight to be honest, if we have any communication issues its always my fault because I'm not exactly a feely kind of guy, she's more than happy to talk about things. This has cone up lately because of a few things I've heard over the past few weeks that made me think that there's this big four or five year period in her life before HSR last boyfriend where she was basically going around having loads of one night stands. I tried to hold it in for a couple of weeks but she knew something was wrong and she got me to talk about it eventually. I didn't want to talk to her because I was worried about what I'd say, I thought I might get angry with her, and I thought I wouldn't like what I heard. We spoke about it and it turned out I was worried about nothing in the end but not before I had a humongous crying session.

 

Let me get one thing straight, I'm a 31 year old stiff upper lip kinda guy from northern England and I haven't cried since I was 12, literally thought I wasn't capable of it. When I burst into tears in front of her it was like a huge milestone in my life and she immediately realised how upset I was (and erupted into tears herself, but she cries at anything).

 

Obviously I'm not going to leave her, we're best friends and we spend all our time together when we're not at work and lots of people comment on what a good couple we are. I don't know what I'd do without her, it's just not something I can picture nowadays.

 

Like you say though, tough. I'll probably just have another cry tonight and feel the same afterwards but she won't be happy if I don't tell her something's wrong (after this last thing I promised I'd be more open).

 

Great! I am sure she will be more than happy to take some of your concerns away. Good luck tonight.

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rogerrabbit3213

Thanks for that link, I did take a look but it doesn't really sound like me. I'm not overly fussed about her being with other guys, in fact I think this is the one I'm least threatened by of all the exes I know about, I just don't like the whole sleaziness of it. I have in fact hung out with a couple of her exes without an issue.

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Michelle ma Belle

If she hasn't ever given you reason to question her love or commitment to you then you're going to have to forgive and forget.

 

Everyone has a past whether we want to acknowledge it or not. You've been together for a long time and are, by all accounts, madly in love and ready to spend the rest of your lives together. There is value in that so don't let something from her past get in the way of that.

 

No one is perfect. Not even you.

 

Good luck.

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You said yourself that at the time this happened your FI was "off her rails" because of the end of a serious relationship.

 

If she has otherwise been an honorable person during the 5 years you have known her, hang on to that & don't judge her for an out of character mistake she made years ago.

 

If you can't be man enough to do that, to show mercy on someone you love, leave her. You can't spend your life punishing her, which is what you will do if you continue to hold this over her head.

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If she hasn't ever given you reason to question her love or commitment to you then you're going to have to forgive and forget.

 

Everyone has a past whether we want to acknowledge it or not. You've been together for a long time and are, by all accounts, madly in love and ready to spend the rest of your lives together. There is value in that so don't let something from her past get in the way of that.

 

No one is perfect. Not even you.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm in agreement with what Michelle said.

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You have to quit classifying behavior as either "acceptable" or "sleazy". You've been with your fiance long enough to know her well. Is she sleazy simply because she was lonely and horny and took what was available to her at the time?

 

That doesn't make her sleazy - it makes her human.

 

This is something you are going to have to power through. Anytime it crosses your mind, immediately STOP yourself from going there. Replace those thoughts and fears with good thoughts. Think about your most cherished memories with her. Think about your beautiful future with her. Just stop letting yourself go down that road.

 

He is nothing. Just a blip from her past. There is no need for you to continue to allow him to be a presence in your relationship.

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travelbug1996

How dare you judge her and call her "sleazy" because you've never had a FWB. I've had one in my life and it happened at a time when I was grieving the loss of my marriage. That was in her past way before you.

 

That doesn't make her sleazy and you should probably check your ego at the door with that attitude. She didn't even have to share this info with you, but she did hoping that you wouldn't judge her but look at you-judge and jury.

 

Maybe you haven't ever done anything in your life of which you're not proud of.

Please don't marry her because it sounds like you think you're better than her and probably will continue to think like that throughout the marriage.

 

You're not any better than her.

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travelbug1996
I'm not the kind of person who's into sleazy stuff and while it doesn't bother me with other people doing it, ever since I've been going out to clubs and seen girls going home with different guys each night I realised I wouldn't like to be with a girl who has a history of stuff like that.

 

 

 

Your girl has a history of this, No??

 

Also, what things have you heard about her the last few weeks?? It looks like I read there were years of one night stands before the last boyfriend??

 

If so, she may have been really loose in the past. I thought maybe it was a 1 or 2 time thing after the bad breakup.

Edited by travelbug1996
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Her sexual past is just that "HER" sexual past.

 

I think the bigger issues is her continued communication knowing that it hurts you. This is what we call a red flag.

 

Also, outside of your mother you should trust NO ONE blindly, no one.

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whichwayisup
Steady on, I think you misunderstand. She's never cheated on me and we've been together for five years. This happened shortly before we got together. I trust her completely and I've never had any reason to think otherwise.

 

Let it go. That's her past and her (yeah some bad maybe) choices that have nothing to do with you as you weren't in her life then.

 

Since she isn't and won't cheat on you, focus on the good parts of her, not her past. How would you like something you did from your past be held against you?

 

This is your issue and somehow I hope you can get over it... If you can't, end it with her because it's not fair to be with her if you are disgusted with her past.

 

You can however, tell her that she has to end the contact/friendship with that guy.

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bubbaganoosh

My advice to you would be to have a mature sit down conversation with her and clear the air before you marry her.

 

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with her but you have issues with her past and they need to be addressed and the sooner the better because left alone for a while, the problem just festers and makes for a unhealthy relationship.

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Sounds a little bit like retroactive jealousy.

 

Check it out and google a bit before you talk to her. It might be something you need to deal with on your own first.

 

https://www.udemy.com/blog/retroactive-jealousy/

 

Wow...I think that is what my ex had. He said he can't get over my kids' Dad. Says if he was a good person he could deal with it.

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rogerrabbit3213

Response to a few posts since my last. I'm not a jealous type of guy, I've hung out with her ex boyfriends without a problem, if anything she got a little concerned with how unflustered I was with them. I'm just not a casual sex kind of person and neither is she, which is why this bothers me so much.

 

Update.

So I talked to her about it calmly and she was okay for a while if a little surprised that it was bothering me. I don't know if I touched a nerve or what though because she started getting angry with me about this and turning it around on me. We got interrupted shortly later by our temporary lodger and weren't able yo tall again until the next day. When we did she started getting really angry and accusing me of calling her a slag (I didn't) and she got really defensive over the whole thing saying it was my fault for being so weird. I eventually just let her say whatever she wanted because I was tired of arguing and I'm usually the peacemaker in an argument.

 

After things calmed down I started bottling it up again as I'd never intended to ruin our anniversary which was coning up and her birthday which is a few days from now. All this went well but we had a few drinks last night she ended up bringing it up again. It was all the same stuff and she was defending herself even more and it started to stress me out now because she was defending it so much it was unreal. It was almost like she was saying she was glad she did it. Now all I want from her is to appreciate how much this affects me but she seems far mode concerned with defending her own reputation and not looking bad. I insisted I don't think she's a slag. I'm gonna try again tonight, she's told me before that she struggles to see when I'm genuinely upset because I tend to hide how I'm feeling so I'm going to explain this to her tonight.

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She needs to validate your feelings, whether she understands them or not. Not doing so is a classic sign of being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

 

The 'defensive' thing on her part is a HUGE red flag for me. Look at the situation in a mirror, would YOU get defensive and turn the discussion around onto her, (assuming you approached the subject as tactfully as you say) ?

 

 

One more thing, when two people get engaged, it's time to put a way single girl/guy things, like former lovers. Unless that sort of thing just doesn't matter to you, that's another red flag moment to me...

 

 

Best wishes

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She needs to validate your feelings, whether she understands them or not. Not doing so is a classic sign of being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

 

The 'defensive' thing on her part is a HUGE red flag for me. Look at the situation in a mirror, would YOU get defensive and turn the discussion around onto her, (assuming you approached the subject as tactfully as you say) ?

 

 

One more thing, when two people get engaged, it's time to put a way single girl/guy things, like former lovers. Unless that sort of thing just doesn't matter to you, that's another red flag moment to me...

 

 

Best wishes

As mentioned, this is a huge red flag. I went through something similar in my last long term relationship, which ended up being emotional abusive. I calmly and tactfully addressed my concerns about some of her questionable choices(which she actually made a point to tell me in detail about) before she met me and she turned it around on me for being the bad guy for even bringing up. I was also met with harsh defensiveness and it got to the point where she would later admit to actually boasting about it intentionally try make me feel insecure. I hoped to put the issue to rest, but her reaction made it much worse. The fact that she got defensive and boasted about it rather than acknowledging some of choices she made were poor was difficult to me and was detrimental to our relationship. If girlfriend/fiancé is unable to even attempt to validate you feelings, I would take a very serious look at the future of the relationship...

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Neither of you are equipped to discuss this issue. Before any more nails go into the relationship coffin as the vibe I get is that this issue will erode it, you need to go to a couples therapist NOW.

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rogerrabbit3213

Well I doubt I was that tactful once the thing had turned into a drunken argument last night but I certainly didn't start anything and I still didn't call her a slag or anything. I just got agitated when I felt like she was defending what she'd done without seeming to have any understanding of how much it was upsetting.

 

The 'defensive' thing on her part is a HUGE red flag for me. Look at the situation in a mirror, would YOU get defensive and turn the discussion around onto her, (assuming you approached the subject as tactfully as you say) ?

 

It's actually come up before to be honest, there is one of my exes in our circle of friends and I've tried to be understanding and reassuring about that. I've told her many times I would be totally understanding if she had a problem with it and I try to accommodate.

 

 

Overall this post seems to have become pretty mind blowing but the red flag for emotional abuse thing suddenly makes sense. We're great together but I've always considered her a bit of a nightmare to fall out with. She was in an abusive relationship for years a long time ago and she's had jealousy issues since then, she's suddenly flipped because she'd find out that when I went out with work friends there's a picture of me talking to an attractive girl and I'd spend ages calming her down (she even went off when I told her I wanted to bang young Audrey Hepburn but I think I was sorta asking for that).

 

I do feel more comfortable now I have a plan. Thanks for the suggestions.

 

BTW, I just want to add that I know she's not doing any of this on purpose and she loves me.

Edited by rogerrabbit3213
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It's just never a good thing to talk about this stuff, especially if you know you won't want to hear the truth. A woman would only tell you that if she thought you were someone you aren't who wouldn't be judgy about it. The truth is, if all of us told the other person everything we'd ever done with others, there wouldn't be anyone left to date because pretty much everyone has either made what they now consider in hindsight a mistake or simply enjoyed sex and had sex with someone they knew they weren't going to marry. I mean, didn't your fiance have sex with you before she knew she was going to marry you? That's what dating is these days. No one is saving themself for you.

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I am guessing the OP's issue is more about the people/circumstances involved rather than the fact she has sex with other people before him?

Edited by FortunateSon
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