Really need some help

[Christophe]

Hey guys. I just really need some help tonight. I feel very alone. I feel like my life is going down the drain. I am struggling at work and hate my boss. I have no confidence. I feel like I have lost my best friends this year after losing the love of my life. I have never felt this alone. I am trying to stay positive but my life has gone from 100 to 0 this year. I never thought I could feel this desperate. I am really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I would appreciate any help at all.

 

Thank you.

 

Chris

Edited October 4, 2014 by Christophe

[lakerman34]

Hey guys. I just really need some help tonight. I feel very alone. I feel like my life is going down the drain. I am struggling at work and hate my boss. I have no confidence. I feel like I have lost my best friends this year after losing the love of my life. I have never felt this alone. I am trying to stay positive but my life has gone from 100 to 0 this year. I never thought I could feel this desperate. I am really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I would appreciate any help at all.

 

Thank you.

 

Chris

 

Hey Chris,

 

Yeah. This is rough.

 

I'm a philosophy major, and I remember reading an existential philosopher who said that there are two pieces of our life that our happiness is dependent upon: love life and work life.

 

If something goes awry in one, the other suffers. Right now, your love life isn't where you want it to be, but that's life. Everything isn't always balanced all of the time. It's important to find balance.

 

How do you do that in this situation?

You have to be proactive in your recovery. Accept that it is over with her. That feeling of losing your best friend is the same feeling that 90%-100% of the people on this forum feel. I'm going through the same thing right now. I moved to New Orleans, found a girl that I had instant chemistry with, dated her, she broke it off, and now I feel as if I have no friends b/c she was my best friend (and even during breakup, she said that she felt bad b/c she didn't want me to be so alone).

 

What I recommend (aside from acceptance and NC)? Go to the gym, find a few hobbies, treat yourself a little bit, eat healthy and stay away from the bottle. Booze is THE WORST thing you can put in your body right now. Also, talk to a shrink, if that's available to you. Nothing wrong with that. Psychologists help out immensely. Watch 500 Days of Summer and Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

 

Be proactive in your recovery. Your Anonymous group is right here on LS. Instead of externalizing bad feelings to other people who don't want to hear it, type it out for us to read. We all have a common enemy, and that's our exes. We're here to help each other out.

 

Remember the BAD, forget the GOOD that you had with your ex. There were bad times, dig deep to find them. Also, remember that one time she didn't want to do something that you REALLY wanted to do, and go do it. Or (this is what it is with my ex), use the fact that she has, say, acne, and make yourself repulsed at that fact (everyone that knows her tells me "ewwwwww her acne is gross" now that I've broken up with her....helps out a lot).

 

You'll be back at it in no time!

[StrangerThanFiction]

Hey guys. I just really need some help tonight. I feel very alone. I feel like my life is going down the drain. I am struggling at work and hate my boss. I have no confidence. I feel like I have lost my best friends this year after losing the love of my life. I have never felt this alone. I am trying to stay positive but my life has gone from 100 to 0 this year. I never thought I could feel this desperate. I am really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I would appreciate any help at all.

 

Thank you.

 

Chris

 

You are definitely not alone! It's safe to say that most people on this forum are right there with you and can totally empathize with what your going through. I know I have good days, meh days, and bad days. As lakerman said, STAY AWAY FROM THE BOOZE. I recently learned that lol.

 

Do know that you won't feel like this forever. Sure you'll be sad and you'll miss her for awhile and I'm totally there with you feeling like you lost your best friend, but this isn't how your going to feel forever.

 

You have to really decide to let this go and move forward with your life without her. That's definitely a major point in getting over this. Lots of people hang on and pine for their ex instead of deciding to make the effort to make a life where their exes are no longer involved. Scary thought right now, I know. But really, you had a life before them and you will again. It's up to you to make it a better one!

 

Keep posting on here. I find it a huge help to get advice from people going through the same thing and just knowing that your not alone in what your feeling.

[Christophe]

Thanks for the advice guys. I hope to reply in more detail tomorrow when I have more time.

[Hoosfoos]

I'm right here with you, man. I'm in the process of trying to put my life back together after the worst dumping and heartache of my entire life. I don't have any advice to give, as I am not doing well right now, but just letting you know you are not alone with your feelings.

[JDPT]

The pain is temporary and it will eventually subside. I can promise you that it'll not perpetuate. As crazy as this may sound, embrace this pain and know that it'll help you grow into a stronger you, allow it to work in your favor. We've all been in that dark place and some of us are still diligently working towards climbing out of it, you are not alone trust me. Power through these difficult times, you'll feel amazing once you get through them.

[ComingInHot]

Christoph, First off, things are already turning around for you. I mean look at and reread these posts.

Complete strangers are coming forward and telling you that You matter, You are not alone, and most of us have been where you are now and it does get better.

The sooner you stop accepting where you are and fight your a$$ off to get to a better place, the better you'll be at helping others through.

 

I am sorry you are struggling. Don't ever give up. Remember that this too shall pass, as with any storm what's left after is the promise of better days through all the colors of the rainbow *

[Christophe]

Thank you to everyone who has responded I really, really appreciate it. I hope today is the first day of my recovery as I met a counsellor for the first time. I don't feel like I said all I wanted to but she got a good understanding of where I am coming from and it was only the first session. I really hope she can help me become a stronger person.

 

It does give me some comfort to know that you guys understand and know where I am coming from and that eventually things will get better. I know I don't want to ever feel this alone and dark again. I am working on making myself better. I hope I can get to a place where I can give advice and help other members too. I think seeing a counsellor will really help because I need to verbally express my thoughts and feelings. Being able to come here is also a massive help too.

 

I have had a generally more positive day today. i don't want to get too excited because often these are followed by very dark days where I feel worthless and hopeless and miss my ex like crazy. Hopefully the things I am doing plus the counselling will help to address this.

 

Thanks again friends.

[blackcat777]

Hugs.

 

It's a long road and it's hard. I hurt so much I thought I was going to die.

 

I did my best to fill my time with hobbies, lots of physical activity, and friends when I can. At first it was just to distract myself, which often didn't work. But now I have a Halloween party to look forward to, new classes to look forward to, I've much improved at said hobbies already...

 

And, almost 40 days later, I'm still alive.

 

It still sucks. I still hope he comes back. He was my best friend, too.

 

I'll let myself cry whenever I want to... the best compromise I can make with myself is that I won't stop working on and taking care of me, meanwhile.

 

Also, having others share similar experiences here is comforting. The train wreck of emotions is normal and fades with time...

[Gloria25]

I know it's easier said than done, but like one of the personalities on my favorite podcast shows....somethings just have to be endured.

 

I've been through a lot in the past couple of years...right now things are gonna heat up again and I was just about to post here cuz the anxiety is kicking in.

 

All I can say is that you just have to keep on going - even if you don't know the outcome...one foot in front of the other.

 

I'm amazed at how it's been and you'll be surprised on when you least thought something would happen - it does.

 

I have my moments...One time I got some bad news and was sitting on my stair steps and I almost started to cry, and just got up and said "well back to the drawing board". And, that's the point you get at - where you can't sit down and mope, you just get up and do, do, do.

 

Hang in there...

[Gloria25]

I also wanna add and share what I saw recently on Arnold S's "Pumping Iron" documentary - which is, you gotta not let your emotions affect your ability to stay focused...

 

He said that when he's prepping for a competition, he doesn't let stuff throw him off his game. When his father died, he didn't go to the funeral (probably cuz IMO, they weren't close and his dad was very strict) cuz he was in training for a competition. Now, while he didn't tell his mother the actual truth about why he didn't go (cuz you can't hurt the feelings of a widow and your mom), he didn't want to be distracted with a funeral.

 

He also commented that if right now the room service spilled food by his door, normally, he'd be upset - but again, he can't waste time getting all bent out of shape over silly stuff like that. He'd probably even laugh at the food being spilled there.

 

Over the years, I've pretty much been stoic and now even more. I can't sit down and cry over things. When something come up, I have to assess it and make a decision on how to resolve it.

 

Sometimes I don't like being so cold, cuz I'm a girly-girl and don't want to turn into some sociopath, and, really, when "that time of the month" comes by, I'm reminded that I still have emotions like any other chick...But, sometimes being cold and focused is what it takes.

 

Hope that also helps...

[Christophe]

Hey guys thanks again for the responses.

 

Today has been a pretty crappy day to be honest after I felt more positive yesterday. Last night I had my first counselling session and I guess bringing lots of things up about my ex kind of put me in a down mood again. I could have said so much more than I did in the hour I had but I hope she got a good idea of my situation.

 

I woke up this morning having dreamed of my ex again. She was on my mind pretty much all day and work was very long and tiring. I just kept thinking of Andrea and I missed her like crazy today and kept thinking of the intimacy we shared together and feeling pretty empty now without it. I had a weak moment at lunchtime and unblocked my ex on Facebook. I saw a new profile picture of her too.

 

I am under more pressure at work every day and it is not even a job I want to be doing. I am looking for other work but it's not easy to try and arrange interviews etc. I just don't feel good enough at all. My confidence disappears when my managers are negative about me even though I explained to them I am doing the best I can. I am still anxious about where my life is going. I am 23 but still have no idea what career I want/am able to do. It seems most of the people I know and my friends have good jobs and most of them steady relationships and I feel so **** in comparison. I feel like I am still waiting for my life to start.

 

I am going to look for some more jobs tonight but a combination of things at the moment are making me very unhappy. I can't even remember what I was like before the break up now. I have lost myself.

[me85]

Sometimes I don't like being so cold, cuz I'm a girly-girl and don't want to turn into some sociopath, and, really, when "that time of the month" comes by, I'm reminded that I still have emotions like any other chick...But, sometimes being cold and focused is what it takes.

 

Haha yup! No kidding. I feel ya sista.

[me85]

Hey guys thanks again for the responses.

 

Today has been a pretty crappy day to be honest after I felt more positive yesterday. Last night I had my first counselling session and I guess bringing lots of things up about my ex kind of put me in a down mood again. I could have said so much more than I did in the hour I had but I hope she got a good idea of my situation.

 

I woke up this morning having dreamed of my ex again. She was on my mind pretty much all day and work was very long and tiring. I just kept thinking of Andrea and I missed her like crazy today and kept thinking of the intimacy we shared together and feeling pretty empty now without it. I had a weak moment at lunchtime and unblocked my ex on Facebook. I saw a new profile picture of her too.

 

I am under more pressure at work every day and it is not even a job I want to be doing. I am looking for other work but it's not easy to try and arrange interviews etc. I just don't feel good enough at all. My confidence disappears when my managers are negative about me even though I explained to them I am doing the best I can. I am still anxious about where my life is going. I am 23 but still have no idea what career I want/am able to do. It seems most of the people I know and my friends have good jobs and most of them steady relationships and I feel so **** in comparison. I feel like I am still waiting for my life to start.

 

I am going to look for some more jobs tonight but a combination of things at the moment are making me very unhappy. I can't even remember what I was like before the break up now. I have lost myself.

 

I'm really very sorry to hear how hard of a time you're having right now. I can completely relate. I've been there.

 

Listen, I'm 29 and I'm basically the only single person I know, besides a few people. My divorced mother and divorced aunt are single. They're in their 50's. But when they were my age they were married and were having children. Or already had children. I look around and see everyone else in RSs, married, having families of their own and sometimes even I start feeling a bit lonely. I don't have a career. I have a job. I live in a small apt and drive a 16yo vehicle. /= but I most certainly am happy. Because I'm all I've got. And I've always taken care of myself and gotten by on my own. I don't have anyone I'm close to in my life and today, that hurts. Today isn't a great day for me. I'm hungover and hormonal. TMI, sorry lol

 

I know you feel like crap but your life's changing. You are doing well for yourself. You're in therapy, expressing your emotions...getting it all out, not keeping it bottled up inside...I mean, that's a great first step towards recovery! Be proud of yourself. I've been BU with my ex for 14 months and I still miss him. I'm missing him a lot for some reason today. He was the guy I wanted to marry and be with until I died. I feel stupid for admitting that because he was so terrible and did me so wrong. But we can't help who we love. They leave but the love stays. It's not fair. I wish when they left the love just died or went away with them but it doesn't. You're left to feel everything all by yourself and it's heartbreaking. )=

 

Keep us posted on how you're doing, ok?

 

Best wishes,

J

Edited October 7, 2014 by me85

[Christophe]

Thank you J I will definitely keep you updated with what's happening.

 

You're right I wish like you say they could just take the love away when they leave or that it would just die but it doesn't. I think it's hard for me also as I never had chance to see the negative sides of my ex. We were long-distance and the handful of times we were physically together were so perfect and special. I can't believe she is now so cold. If someone I was so convinced I knew and understood can change like that I struggle to believe in the future I can find a genuine sweet, honest, beautiful girl like my ex was when we fell in love.

 

I just hate how she has moved on and I am really struggling. With her in my life I felt invincible. There was hope for the future with her in my life. Now she is gone it seems that everything I do is so much harder. I know I have self-confidence issues that I am going to address but as much as I wish I could hate my ex for what she did I struggle with this. I too was convinced that we were going to be together forever and get married and have kids etc.

 

It is very difficult for me not to be jealous of my ex and my friends who all seem so happy and doing great when I am having a hard time with all the aspects of my life. It is very difficult to believe that my time will come again right now.

 

I am looking forward to having more counselling and I am hoping it can really help me. Some days I really feel like I need a miracle to get over this.

[me85]

But even if we hated them that still means we care about them. That still means they hurt us. Hating them would be no different. You'll feel every kind of emotion there is and then one day you'll wake up and feel indifferent about her. That's how it happens. It's like having a hangover. The only thing that really helps is time.

 

We gota sober up! We've been punch drunk in love. lol Now that it's gone we're feeling the wrath of an epic hangover!

 

I swore I knew my ex too but he became a total stranger. He just went further and further away from me until one day he was just completely gone. "Like we never loved at all." He's still the love of my life. He's been moved on though. To someone 6 years younger than him and I and (in his mind) better and more respectable because she's in school getting her masters and making something for herself. I feel like hitting a punching bag just thinking about when he told me all that. Oh and that he "wants to be a better bf to this girl." But you know what? He hasn't been. He's contacted me all throughout their RS with miss yous and love yous and sexting and sending pics...all kinds of emotional cheating and I'm sorry but sexting is cheating. He's a cheater though. She nor I nor any other girl is going to love him enough or be good enough for him not to cheat.

 

It's not fair that he is "happy and so in love, living a great life" when he destroyed mine there for a good long while. I'm emotionally unavailable to men and terrified of falling in love again thanks to him.

 

So how long have you been BU? Why did you BU? Because of the long distance? So she is in a RS with someone else now?

Edited October 7, 2014 by me85

[Christophe]

I have been through what happened in more detail in my post called LDR Break Up in the Long Distance Relationships section.

 

It has been 4 months now since the break up (although it feels like forever). She said she broke up with me because she could not stop thinking of her ex (who she basically saw more than me as they have the same friends and hang out together). I am English and my ex-girlfriend is Spanish. She basically left me after 5 months together to get back with him.

 

She was with him for seven years before she met me. When she met me in January they had only been 'split up' for about 4 months.

 

It came out of the blue though. Every time we had physically been together in the five months was beautiful and really special to us both. We talked every day on facebook when we were apart and skyped sometimes. I was head over heels for her and from our conversations and the things she said to me you would think she was more crazy about me.

 

I won't go into too much detail because it would take up about 50 pages but that is the basic outline. She seemed so excited to come and live with me in England. I don't know now if she just used me to get back at her ex so she could eventually get back with him. It's all so confusing and I don't have any real answers. I have a feeling she cheated on me with him while we were together but don't know for sure. She was so cold after the break up and would barely communicate with me.

 

The thing that makes me angry is I know that her ex is a complete douchebag (to be polite) and does not deserve her. She said I was perfect and how lucky she was to meet me. Surely if you think someone is perfect you would not leave them to go back to some idiot who does not really care for you? Makes no sense at all. All these questions just churn up my head and I am never going to understand.

 

I still love her despite all the pain she has put me through (and continues to put me through). It seems like now she could not care less about me which I really struggle with because there was a time a few months ago where she would do anything to be with me. The world is so ****ed up.

[Christophe]

Dreamed last night I was getting married to my ex. Then I got woken up by an ambulance. Feels pretty symbolic. Also the dreams about her seem to be getting stronger every night.

[Els]

Hope you're feeling better, Chris.

[Christophe]

Not feeling very good tonight to be honest.

 

I was going to go to a salsa class at at the university near my town tonight after work. I came home after the gym and had a quick shower and some dinner and I could not really work out how to get to the university with all the buses and I was pushed a bit for time.

 

I feel annoyed though because I did want to go and interact with some new people but I haven't. I was so tired at work today and it has been a really long week. Still though I feel like these are my only opportunities to try and socialise and meet new people and when I have nothing happening at the weekend I get very down. I have a friend who I should be seeing tomorrow but he has not been in contact and did not bother to tell me last week he was not coming.

 

I feel like tomorrow will be another Saturday night at home while my ex is out having the time of her life. I just feel so angry and helpless. I really don't want the weekend to drift by and be back to being under pressure at work on Monday morning. I am not in a good place tonight. I feel so desperate for a human connection right now. I am feeling more despair set in. I hate feeling like this.

[Christophe]

I really miss her and feel very alone again. I feel like I am trapped.

[Bella2]

I'm sorry Christophe. Weekends can suck after a recent BU. Remind yourself that you're not alone, millions of people in the world are going through the same as you. Why don't you call that friend? Is there absolutely nobody else you can call and see if they wanna do something?

[Bella2]

Do your colleagues go for a drink or so after work? Anybody single you know that would like to go out and have some fun?

[Christophe]

Hey Bella thanks for replying.

 

It's awkward in a way. The friend who was supposed to see me last week is the mutual friend of me and my ex who basically got us together. Anyway he was going to come to see me last week and I heard nothing from him so texted him Saturday night and he said he was sorry but forgot to tell me he was not coming. Only the previous weekend he had been in Spain having fun with my ex and her boyfriend.

 

It just feels like he does not care about me anymore to be honest. I know he is busy with his own life etc but I was annoyed that he did not tell me. He said he will be coming this Saturday but I have not heard anything from him yet. I don't know it feels like my friends are all drifting away. The few that remain I always make a point of trying to catch up but they are either too busy or not bothered.

 

I guess the trouble is I think all the people I know are in relationships so I just feel like an after thought if they ever do see me.

 

I am missing my ex like crazy again tonight. I just want to feel her so bad.

[Christophe]

I feel like it is up to Carlos now (the friend I mentioned) to contact me tomorrow. I really want to be out and not stuck in feeling sad on a Saturday night but I guess I will see if he is really my friend or not. I don't want to contact him first. I guess I am just afraid that if I do not contact him he won't come anyway.