Vicious mind circle

[mefisto]

Hello. I can write a long sob story, but i want to keep it short. A few month ago i found out that my ex-gf, which was the only gf i have ever had, has cheated on me with my ex-best friend. They started dating behind my back and i broke all the contacts with them. Since then i've had many coping phases, i was crying, i was drinking, i was self-destructive, i was suicidal, i was desperate, i was mad. Now i feel slightly better, but i also feel like i have long way ahead of me to move on. So there comes a delicate part, where i need advice. As i have analyzed my frustration, i see that the only way i can throw my ex out of my head is to have intimacy with another girl. Not like one-night stand and not like serious relationship, something in the middle of it. And i tried to do it, but all the girls i asked out rejected me. I really tried to hide all of my wounded feelings, tried to fake confidence that i don't have and be the best version of my self. I never told what happened to me to either of them. But i don't know how, they all just SAW right through me, they saw my broken heart, my low self-esteem, my frustration and desperation.

And i came to conclusion that no pretty girl ever will be interested in me unless i do some serious changes in my life to become more attractive. But to do so, i have to gather all my strength and faith in myself. And to do so, i have to stop obsessing over my ex situation, because thoughts about it draining me up and making me feel like suicidal mess.

And this is vicious circle. To forget ex i need company of another girl > no girl will like me because my self-esteem is very low > i cant boost my self-esteem because i need to have faith in myself > i can't have faith in myself because memories of that situation are hurting me.

I know it sound stupid, but its really how i feel it in my head.

Can somebody give me advice? I am so lost.

[cif]

And i came to conclusion that no pretty girl ever will be interested in me unless i do some serious changes in my life to become more attractive. But to do so, i have to gather all my strength and faith in myself. And to do so, i have to stop obsessing over my ex situation, because thoughts about it draining me up and making me feel like suicidal mess.

 

You answered yourself.

 

1. Stop obsessing over your ex, NC means no thoughts of them as well.
   Block her everywhere. Delete images, contacts, texts, etc. Don't even talk about her.
    
   
2. Work on yourself. Get to the gym, play sports.
    
   
3. Find activities that make you happy.
    
   
4. Don't date or sleep around until you've moved on. No one finds a self-pity party attractive.
   

 

Read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated

[mefisto]

>Stop obsessing over your ex, NC means no thoughts of them as well. Block her everywhere. Delete images, contacts, texts, etc. Don't even talk about her.

Thanks for advice, but i already did that. But i just can't control my mind, whenever i do something productive and creative, the thoughts about her just keep attacking my mind without my consent and hurting me.

 

 

>Work on yourself. Get to the gym, play sports.

I do physical exercises everyday. I feel a little better after them but its very temporary feeling.

 

 

>Find activities that make you happy.

Its really hard to do it since im occupied with work and studies, i just don't have time.

 

 

>Don't date or sleep around until you've moved on

But i need to date someone to move on! Ive read that during long sexual relations with someone we developing strong mental connections with that person. And the only way to drop those connections is to have sexual relations with someone else. I would go to hooker, but i know that the fact that i have to pay for something, that other guys getting for free, would make me feel even worse. I don't want to wait another few years to have the ability to date other girls. I should learn how to hide my broken heart somehow so other girls wont notice it. But i don't know how.

[Yasuandio]

Been there. Solution. If the theory is problematic, change up the theroy. Lose concept of "Vicious Circle," first of all. Delete this idea, definition thereof from your memory bank, and let's get a clean slate.

 

ERASED. OK. CLEAN SLATE. ONLY FACTS.

 

1. You are hurt cause X-GF (not "my" x-gf) cheated with X-BF (not "my" x-bf). Period. These are not your's anymore - they are past tense, like the X-checker that scanned and bagged your groceries (not "my" x-checker).

 

Solution. Depersonalize, as demonstrated above. It will take, it is not easy. It is painful. You have to let go. It is just like leaving the grocery store. Walk out, and do not pine over the x-checker - he/she is not a part of your life any longer, period. End of story. NC. It is the only way for you to get near detachment.

 

2. You engaged in self-destructive behavior.

 

Solution: You have already begun to solve this issue by recognizing every facet of the self-destructive behavior. That is progress. Now, take them one at a time, and STOP each one. The worst being the suicidal thought process - see pinned Hotline Pinned Thread if that issue comes up again. Those are professions trained to handle such a crisis. But looks like you have have a grip. But call Hotline and discuss anyway, or seek some therapy, just to be on the safe - that would be smart.

 

I don't want to overwhelm you. Let's start here. Do you see the logic in these two examples? Will you go NC? Will you seek therapeutic intervention? Will you tell your story to a Crisis Hotline and report back to us? Will you start a "Clean Slate," and disappear the term Vicious Cycle? Please answer all these question one at a time for me. I. Kinda of a logical thinker, and have bi-polar 2 (and other disabilities), and excessively drugged-up, forgetful short-term memory, so it is good for me to have the facts sort of bullet formatted. Thank you for helping me to help you. OK. Let us know. Yas

 

Oh, great! You are already getting fantastic advice!

Edited October 1, 2014 by Yasuandio

[mefisto]

Will you go NC? Will you seek therapeutic intervention? Will you tell your story to a Crisis Hotline and report back to us? Will you start a "Clean Slate," and disappear the term Vicious Cycle? Please answer all these question one at a time for me. I. Kinda of a logical thinker, and have bi-polar 2 (and other disabilities), and excessively drugged-up, forgetful short-term memory, so it is good for me to have the facts sort of bullet formatted. Thank you for helping me to help you. OK. Let us know. Yas

 

Oh, great! You are already getting fantastic advice!

 

>Will you go NC?

I already did.

>Will you seek therapeutic intervention?

I will.

>Will you tell your story to a Crisis Hotline

I will.

>Will you start a "Clean Slate," and disappear the term Vicious Cycle?

I really want to. But i don't know how to get rid of desperate desire to bound with another girl, who would find me attractive. I just want to hug her, feel her body, kiss your lips, feel her warmth. Everything that ex-gf gave to me, i need to feel like shes not the only one in the world who can give me these things. Thats so hard to cope with these desires. And no girl in the world want to have broken-hearted guy who just went through something that i went through. Do you think i should go for escort or it would be worthless experience?

[Yasuandio]

>Will you go NC?

I already did.

>Will you seek therapeutic intervention?

I will.

>Will you tell your story to a Crisis Hotline

I will.

>Will you start a "Clean Slate," and disappear the term Vicious Cycle?

I really want to. But i don't know how to get rid of desperate desire to bound with another girl, who would find me attractive. I just want to hug her, feel her body, kiss your lips, feel her warmth. Everything that ex-gf gave to me, i need to feel like shes not the only one in the world who can give me these things. Thats so hard to cope with these desires. And no girl in the world want to have broken-hearted guy who just went through something that i went through. Do you think i should go for escort or it would be worthless experience?

 

THIS IS A GREAT RESPONSE! Bravo, Man.

 

Now to your last concern. This need for a gf you're referring to is a WANT, not something you NEED or require to survive. The simple answer to you problem is: Masterbate, frequently. That costs nothing, and satisfies your sexual urges you naturally have as a young man. That is normal. Get creative, some mags, internet stimuli, not real people (especially an escort). You don't want a disease, and you do not want to appear as a desparate, sex-deprived lunitic, do you? Of course, not! Everyone Masterbate - it is no big deal. If they deny - well, that's weird. And that's fine. We don't give an effective what anyone thinks. This is about self-preservation, keeping it zipped, and getting "warm bodies" off your mind. Period.

 

Speaking of warm bodies.....

 

Look at all the responsible answers you gave to all the other questions! Does that sound like a sex maniac that has to be by a warm body at all cost? Absolutely not. Clean Slate. Loose that concept - you are in control of what you want. Stop wanting anonymous warm bodies, ok? See, when you hear it spelled out for what it is, you don't actually want that, do you? I mean, seriously, would you be attracted to a girl that only wanted just a warm body to be with? See what I mean? I bet that will be an easier transition than you think.

 

So, can we agree, that one of your new goals also is to NOT be desparate for a Warm Body? Yes or No?

 

Could we agree to investing in some nice lubricant, and do some morning and evening self fulfillment to get the sexual urges under control? Yes or No

 

Let's see what cha think about that. Good so far! Yas

 

BTW. Lemme get your take on this idea. What do you think about a pet? Now that is an appropriate warm body, IF, you can care for the pet. My dogs have given me much comfort in my troubled time of the last six years. A dog, unconditional love, no doubt about it! But the right dog for you. A cat, unpredictable, but cozy and warm when they come to you! What you think?

 

At the very least, I would suggest a visit to the pound, just to get your mind off your own problems. Don't get any baby yet. Just see those worse off, that is what I have done when I was sad, then I always donate. My doggies are minature and toy Eskimo Spitz, full breed. (There is a particular reasoning why I wish to have this breed, some are against buying a full breed dog, oh well, it is a free country in US).

 

Or, another venue - might be, like a food serving bank volenteer position for homeless, something like this can often put life in perspective. Tell me your idea.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Yasuandio

[mefisto]

Yasuandio, thanks a lot for your support. I want to ask, did you experience similar situation, when gf cheated on you with someone you know very well?

 

>not something you NEED or require to survive.

Of course, i wont die without it. But i feel like i it can really help me cope and move on.

 

>The simple answer to you problem is: Masterbate

Thats not simple at all. I didn't masturbate a single time since that happened. I know it would make me even more depressed than i am now. Viewing or even imagining, how other people get pleasure, that i wont have probably for a very long time, would be hurtful. Also, when i see something sex-related, i can't help but imagine ex with ex-friend, how they doing each other, this is really bad thing to picture and it drives me very mad.

 

>want to appear as a desparate, sex-deprived lunitic, do you?

Im afraid i am sex-deprived lunatic. It makes me feel disgusting. Did you ever feel like you hate your own libido?

 

>I mean, seriously, would you be attracted to a girl that only wanted just a warm body to be with?

I would be attracted to her if she would be attracted to me. I just don't believe in serious relationship anymore. Maybe its much better when people just use each other bodies with social benefits. It doesn't hurting our feelings. Maybe somebody will read my answers and thing that i didnt love ex-gf at all and used her just for sex. But as much i wish it was this way - it wasnt. In that case i wouldnt create the thread, i wouldnt be hurt that much. I really loved her and i wish i didnt.

 

>So, can we agree, that one of your new goals also is to NOT be desparate for a Warm Body?

I wish i could agree. But i can't. Im thinking about trying with girls over and over, fail after fail after fail, until someday one of them will be kind enough to grant me intimacy. And the main fear of mine - to fall in love once again, i should not feel it ever again.

 

>What do you think about a pet?

Actually, i have a very cute dog, and it helped me a lot during my first coping phase. But i don't see how a pet can satisfy sexual frustration.

[Yasuandio]

. I didn't have your experience that I know of. But, it probably did happen, when I was dating my former husband I suspect. He was sneaky and devious, and has a compulsive lying streak, and enjoys fooling the system (even the human system). I was fool, for a 26 year marriage. But, I enjoyed being his wife before the divorce started, even if I was dilusional. I'm sure you understand.

 

Well, I would give you a C+ on this response - meaning it is here where you need some growth and learning obviously. So - let's start with The good part!

 

You have your pet that loves and needs you, and is a warm body that gives you unconditional love. You said you wanted a warm body, right? I didn't say any about sex when I talked about getting a pet. Ok, we got that straight now.

 

Next, the sex thing. I gave you a possible suggestion to curb that issue. You say you have not done it, don't want to do it, and think it will turn out badly. Well. You don't feel comfortable with that idea even though it is a perfectly natural thing to do.

 

1. One follow up I can offer is to find another girl, or recall another girl, and get that girl in your imagination.

 

2. My other suggestion is to start developing repulsive images of the problematic X, that are a complete TURN-OFF. I could describe some disgusting scenerios for you, but I'm already up to my ears with infractions on LS.

 

3. Go pick up some one night stands like your earlier impulse if that is really what you think you need to do. But to a woman like me, that sounds gross. Men view stuff differently when it comes to sex. Men, by nature, in many cases, are hard-working to spread their seed (from what I've read). This impulse you have, or drive (that feels like a need), may be something perfectly normal to act on - and I didn't register that orginally, because I am a female, and very protective of my oxitocin (Love chemicals). It would hurt me to just have sex with anyone. So, therefore, I'm raising your overall grade to a B+ (because that first grade was dumb - but I'm allowing you to see my ignorance and thinking process, because I have no shame).

 

To conclude my statement here, and correct my earlier response: I do not think of you as a sex crazed lunitic puppy any longer after closer examination of this topic (well, we certainly don't want to project that at any cost - cause it reeks of neediness, and blows your property of a hook-up - if that turns out to be objective). You are only a man. Can we agree on that? Yes or No?

 

If you are only a man, what are you gonna do about it?

 

Finally, excuse me for my off the cuff responses that may have been off the mark. I am only a woman. Not to make excuses, and not to really go there again (cause we're in Clean Slate Mode now), but I wanted to get you a response right away. Get me? OK. Good work. Yas

 

PS. You got some other great feedback here. Be sure to respond. You gonna be busy! Don't forget the Hotline. We wanna know what they say.

Edited October 1, 2014 by Yasuandio

[mefisto]

>But, I enjoyed being his wife before the divorce started, even if I was dilusional. I'm sure you understand.

Sorry, i don't understand. If i knew true nature of my ex earlier i wouldnt enjoy our relationship. All of my good memories with her lost their value after what happened. Maybe you feel differently because your husband didn't betrayed you as hard as my ex did.

 

>One follow up I can offer is to find another girl, or recall another girl, and get that girl in your imagination.

Its hard to do because the only real experience i had was with ex. My consciousness and imagination connects all sex-related things with image of her.

 

>My other suggestion is to start developing repulsive images of the problematic X, that are a complete TURN-OFF.

Yeah, she had some physical and personality flaws. Somehow after break up my mind tend to idealize her. I will try that, thanks.

 

>Go pick up some one night stands like your earlier impulse if that is really what you think you need to do.

As i said earlier i tried to meet other girls already. But they all somehow felt my broken heart and it turned them off. I don't know how to fake it.

 

>You are only a man. Can we agree on that? Yes or No?

I am man with low self-esteem. I don't know how to boost it without intercourse with another female. And to do it, i need self-esteem. Thats what bothering me.

[Yasuandio]

A+. You are thinking really good, rather than acting impulsively. Another factor to consider in the sex thing, is, you don't really want to hurt a nice young lady for your own gratification.

 

Maybe I wasn't clear. I didn't really come my of denial until a couple years into the divorce (which took 4 years). I would give myself an F-----. Complete utter idiot. Duh.

 

I wish I could have compartmentalized my issues as well as you are doing. In fact, I wish I had that ability currently. I'm very scattered in most everything I encounter - perhaps the bipolar 2 or the drug treatment.

 

so you boiled it down for me to self esteme. That is common issue after break-ups. I suppose we lose a part of ourselves in relationships sometimes, and that, indeed, is the very problem!

 

NOW - we are down to the issue at hand, thanks to your good mind. So, I'm going to ask you to do the reseach today on-line, cause what you find, and your interpretation thereof, will be much different than mine from a woman's perspective.

 

Will you make a list of what the on-line experts define Men's Self Esteem to be comprised of? Yes or No?

 

Will you make a list of road - maps of How To Obtain Maximum Men's Self Esteme - based on on-line research? Yes or No?

 

Once that is complete, in parenthesis, I'd like some example of how you might carry each road map example out, one at a time. Of course, it won't happen overnight). That is a big assignment. I know you can do it. Yas

 

PS. Please respond to other kind poster also!

[mefisto]

>Another factor to consider in the sex thing, is, you don't really want to hurt a nice young lady for your own gratification.

I thought about this, i don't want to hurt anyone. But to be hurt, a girl should fall in love with me first, and i don't think its possible for any girl fall for me in the condition that i am right now.

 

>I wish I could have compartmentalized my issues as well as you are doing.

I wish i was man strong enough to solve all my problems alone. I guess, we all wish for something.

 

>So, I'm going to ask you to do the reseach today on-line, cause what you find

I found only vague and generalized advices that don't really right for my situation. I can't do all these things, because memories of my failure are bringing me down. For example - i see a nice girl, feel a desire to approach her, and in this right moment my ex appearing in my mind, i remember her betrayal, and then all my confidence is gone. Or i see a interesting dude, feel a desire to form a friendship with him, and then my ex best friend appearing in my mind, i remember his betrayal, and i all the desire is gone. It's all like that.

[Yasuandio]

OK. I just give you (and me) an like I (incomplete) on these assignments. Hey, we're only human, and on the planet to learn something.

 

I know the research is there, I may have a lot of it stored, as I subscribe to tons of blogs and newsletters on such.

 

I'll get back on you with that (as the tips for females made a HUGE difference for me, and most at low or zero cost). Some of these are not sex specific. I will tell one of them right now. It is surprising - but really does make difference. Posture. Walk tall, shoulders back, head up. Practice that today. Look at yourself in the mirror, then slowly "up" your posture. Walk around with a book on your head if necessary. It sounds dumb, but when you master it - you get noticed, I'm telling (and you notice more, and feel more confident - it's bizarre). Will you d I this? Yes or no?

 

OK, now. I want an update on the other things you agree to do. Also, I've been asking you to respond to the other posters. Will you do that? Yes or No?

 

Is it possible you are past the originial crisis that brought you here, and we can just focus on self esteme instead of the past drama (clean slate all the way)? Yes or No. (I'm hoping for a yes on that!). Them posters will come out of the woodwork to assist on this self esteem issue, that is not frightening for us.

 

Excellent refection. I'm learning from you too as we go. You should see the messed up posts I've been putting up! Oh, man. I got to get my act together. This bi-polar sucks. Yas

[NopeNah]

Dude...just keep putting yourself in sexualized environment's! Clubs, singles bars, ect.. You might be shot down one night and have a threesome the next.. There's also PLENTY of females who are into the 'wounded animal' that they want to nurture back to health . Go play!!

[mefisto]

>Posture. Walk tall, shoulders back, head up. Practice that today. Look at yourself in the mirror, then slowly "up" your posture. Walk around with a book on your head if necessary. Will you d I this? Yes or no?

Yes, i did this, it helped a little. Thanks.

 

>Also, I've been asking you to respond to the other posters. Will you do that? Yes or No?

I don't know anything that can help others posters.

 

>Is it possible you are past the originial crisis that brought you here

No, i am not. Its still hurts a lot.

 

>Clubs, singles bars, ect

I hate places like these. I need to know the girl before i approach her. So the only way i can do this in social network. And big problem for me - i am so desperate to find a girl who better than my ex. Better appearances, higher intellectual level, more emotionally mature. And i can't find such a girl. I becoming seriously depressed once more. I can't bare the thought that she enjoying her life with my ex-friend while i can't find better than her. All of my progress of coping is lost.