I don't want him, but I can't move on

[Agent Orange]

I'm gonna try to keep this as short as possible. My ex and I broke up about 5 (almost 6) months ago after about 4 years together. Basically, what happened is that I waited 2.5 years for him to move closer to where I live, and when he finally did, he decided he no longer knew what he wanted. When he refused to even think about what he wanted, the relationship just sort of fell apart.

 

For the first few months we went between full contact and limited contact, talking anywhere from daily to 2-3 times per week. At first I didn't think much of it, because I honestly thought we'd get back together. During that time he would act like my BF, (flirt, check up on me, invite me over to his place) but had no interest in actually being with me. It went on like this for a while.

 

Then in July he reached out to me because he was upset over something going on with his parents. I comforted him, and about a week or so later when I was freaking out over something important, he succeeded in making a bad situation worse and I yelled at him pretty badly. Begin full blown NC. Suddenly he disappeared off the face of the earth.

 

I reached out to him a few times (bad idea, I know) and was either ignored or met with suspicion. When I almost died at the end of August/beginning of September, he was completely indifferent. It was around this time that he abruptly stopped following me on Instagram.

 

Since then I've figured out that he has a new GF which makes me want to break things. It doesn't help knowing that he's broadcasting the relationship all over social media, something he NEVER did while we were together. So now I'm under the assumption that he was ashamed of me, and our relationship for the 4+ years we were together.

 

The stupid thing is, I know he's a bad person with serious emotional, family and intimacy issues. I know how messed up he is, and how rotten he tends to treat people. So why do I still care what he does? I already feel like an idiot for loving someone who was so unworthy, and staying with someone who was emotionally and mentally abusive but I can't seem to get over him...or us.

[Raena]

You almost died? And he was indifferent? There's your answer right there. It doesn't matter how many years ya'll were together.... he doesn't care enough about you to make a commitment to you or be there when you need him.

 

I wish I could poke him in the face for you... but really, it wouldn't help. It's hard to end a relationship. Even bad ones.

 

You have the right idea by going no contact. Keep it that way. Move on with your life, make friends, go to the gym, find a hobby.. anything that helps you to NOT think about him.

 

Unfriend, block, get rid of him out of your life in social media and elsewhere. Read up on here about other people who have been through the same thing and you'll realize that you aren't alone. Come here and vent when you need to, or call your best friend.

 

We are here for you.... it won't be easy, but it does get better with time. How much time that takes is up to you.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

At least you know what you want, and know he is not good for you.

 

Accept you are more addicted to the good things you had in the relationship more than what he is.

 

you have the right to be mad, so use your anger to detach from your dependency of him.

 

Find some activity that can keep your mind at ease or away from focusing on your emotional feelings.

 

Allow for yourself to completely detach from him, so when you find another you have a fresh start.

 

I am sure you will find better, just be strong and take control.

[Agent Orange]

I forgot to mention that before he went NC, he constantly said he wouldn't get into a relationship for a long time because he didn't think he'd have the same connection with another person like he did with me. He'd also claim that he realized he had problems, and wanted to work on himself before getting into another relationship.

[Agent Orange]

I wish I could poke him in the face for you... but really, it wouldn't help.

Hahahaha!!! I love that comment! I've had a lot of people offer to do worse.

 

You have the right idea by going no contact. Keep it that way. Move on with your life, make friends, go to the gym, find a hobby.. anything that helps you to NOT think about him.

That's the truly hard part. EVERYTHING makes me think about him. Then when I don't think about him, I realize "hey, I haven't thought about him" and it starts all over again. I really wish that memory procedure from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was real...it would make things a lot easier.

 

Unfriend, block, get rid of him out of your life in social media and elsewhere. Read up on here about other people who have been through the same thing and you'll realize that you aren't alone. Come here and vent when you need to, or call your best friend.

Yeah, I just blocked him on Instagram today just so I wouldn't be tempted to see what he's up to. I've mostly been venting on the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread over the past few months. It's been really hard mostly because he was my best friend. I mean, I have other friends obviously, but he was the one I went to for everything so it's weird to think he's becoming that person for someone else. I guess I'm stuck in the "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either" phase.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Roughly

His age??

Your age??

 

Do you feel that strongly as to be trusting and understanding?

Just, your odds of pulling things together and making it stick are against you.

 

I had a good friend, who at one time messed up badly with his wife early while in his 20s. He moved away and always thought about her, and though time he grew older. Then moved back home to find out she still was single with his daughter and another man's son. He found her and remarried. Though their marriage was not perfect. But it was better than anything else they had. Though I could not get over his mean streak and how he handled family issues.

 

Not to make a comparison to what may come... just he must do a lot of work to resolve the issues. Some of which you may have to work with him. As it is rare to catch everything at once and be done with it. Can take years depending on how deep and troubling his issues are.

[Agent Orange]

At least you know what you want, and know he is not good for you.

 

Accept you are more addicted to the good things you had in the relationship more than what he is.

Yeah, I think that's been a lot of the problem. I miss and love what we had. For the longest time it was so easy for us to just hang out, watch movies and cuddle. So I really do miss having that.

 

you have the right to be mad, so use your anger to detach from your dependency of him.

 

Find some activity that can keep your mind at ease or away from focusing on your emotional feelings.

 

Allow for yourself to completely detach from him, so when you find another you have a fresh start.

 

I am sure you will find better, just be strong and take control.

This was the first time I ever allowed myself to become emotionally dependent on another person, and really trust someone. So not only do I feel angry, and hurt, but I also feel completely betrayed and deceived. I have an OLD profile up, but I'm not really interested in dating right now, and I really don't have the time (working on my master's thesis). But I'm hoping that when I do, I don't punish the new guy for the old dog's bad habits. I just know it'll be a really long time before I can let someone in like that again. A big Part of me feels like it's just not worth it to trust people because things like this will happen.

[me85]

It's because of our egos. I felt the same as you for a long time. I'll post my opinion more in depth when I have more time on here.

[Raena]

I know what you mean... I've wished for that memory eraser a few times myself.

 

It's especially hard when everything you do reminds you of the other person. I remember thinking to myself... what am I supposed to do... rearrange my whole entire life so that I'm not doing the same things I used to do? I didn't want to do that. It wasn't really possible or feasible even. What did help was to make new friends that had nothing to do with him. They didn't even know him. That meant that when I hung out with them, they never mentioned him and so the new chapter of my life began.

 

I haven't completely erased him from my life. I can't, have no choice. But... I have made a new life for myself that doesn't include him and it does help. It just takes time to make that happen.

[Agent Orange]

Roughly

His age??

Your age??

I just turned 28 this summer, he's 29, our birthdays are less than 2 weeks apart oddly enough.

 

Do you feel that strongly as to be trusting and understanding?

Just, your odds of pulling things together and making it stick are against you.

 

Not to make a comparison to what may come... just he must do a lot of work to resolve the issues. Some of which you may have to work with him. As it is rare to catch everything at once and be done with it. Can take years depending on how deep and troubling his issues are.

I loved him more than I ever believed myself capable of loving another person. I'm not going to lie, we fought like Vikings...I mean when things between us were good, they were amazing but when they were bad it was horrendous. The bad times were either non-stop bickering periods of a week or two, or full blown WW3 level fighting. Originally a lot of our issues stemmed from the fighting, most of which I would start for some dumb reason or another. I should point out here that I have pretty serious issues with abandonment and neglect from my childhood as well as pretty intense anxiety, so most of the time I can really only communicate in yelling and anger is the easiest emotion for me to express (yes, I have an awesome therapist, the only good thing to come of this relationship). So I spent a lot of the relationship putting up with his crap because I felt that it was only fair since he put up with mine. When he moved closer to me back in March, I had been led to believe that we'd finally have the chance to work on the issues that came up when he moved 2 1/2 years prior. The thing is after everything that's happened, if he came back years from now, I don't know if I'd ever fully trust him again. I'd more than likely take him back, but things would never be like they were. Too much has happened. Besides, he's not the type to lower himself enough to come back. He can't even admit when he's wrong, or make a sincere apology.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Yeah, I think that's been a lot of the problem. I miss and love what we had. For the longest time it was so easy for us to just hang out, watch movies and cuddle. So I really do miss having that.

 

This was the first time I ever allowed myself to become emotionally dependent on another person, and really trust someone. So not only do I feel angry, and hurt, but I also feel completely betrayed and deceived. I have an OLD profile up, but I'm not really interested in dating right now, and I really don't have the time (working on my master's thesis). But I'm hoping that when I do, I don't punish the new guy for the old dog's bad habits. I just know it'll be a really long time before I can let someone in like that again. A big Part of me feels like it's just not worth it to trust people because things like this will happen.

 

Oh, that says it all... you should not worry about how soon, as you have plenty of time to start your life after college and settle in on a new job.

That shpuld've been your biggest priority over a troubling relationship.

 

 

you have a great mindset after such a shock to your emotional state. I would not worry too much about OLD account. So let guys hang in the wind in waiting for replies.

 

 

I think letting what has been built up inside out like this was for the better. As it affirms your thoughts and allows some new insight from others.

 

 

Best of luck with the rest of your life from here on!

[Agent Orange]

Oh, that says it all... you should not worry about how soon, as you have plenty of time to start your life after college and settle in on a new job.

That shpuld've been your biggest priority over a troubling relationship.

Trust me, it has been. I still think part of him is jealous that I've done better in my master's program than he did in law school, but it's not something he'd ever admit...go figure.

 

you have a great mindset after such a shock to your emotional state. I would not worry too much about OLD account. So let guys hang in the wind in waiting for replies.

 

I think letting what has been built up inside out like this was for the better. As it affirms your thoughts and allows some new insight from others.

 

Best of luck with the rest of your life from here on!

Thank you!! You seem to have a lot more faith in me than I do right now. I'm trying to find time next week to just let myself be sad and fall apart. Hopefully if I finally let myself be truly sad (instead of becoming sad due to anxiety) I'll then be able to detach myself from this whole thing...or at least increase the level of detachment.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Trust me, it has been. I still think part of him is jealous that I've done better in my master's program than he did in law school, but it's not something he'd ever admit...go figure.

 

Thank you!! You seem to have a lot more faith in me than I do right now. I'm trying to find time next week to just let myself be sad and fall apart. Hopefully if I finally let myself be truly sad (instead of becoming sad due to anxiety) I'll then be able to detach myself from this whole thing...or at least increase the level of detachment.

 

Well, I always look at the brighter side of things. Some take it as being a bit blind to situations. I have an odd way of accepting peeps as they are. So as I see it everyone has fight in them. Just when some are so use to hiding they never find it within themselves until they break down. Believing in ones self can make more of a difference than being blind to the facts.

 

Looking at how this started, I thought it was just a panic of being mixed in turmoil of breaking away of sorts. Now I see the full picture...

 

With anxiety you can be a bit overwhelmed to have too much in your life. Not to point fingers, but to be studying and having a personal relationship was not best for your needs. Being clear headed once settled in after college, will allow you to control your anxiety issues much easier.

 

You seem stronger being independent, but that is mostly because you have one less thing to worry about. Taking time for yourself is the best thing you can do.

 

You know what you are capable of, and what I shared may help in finding your needs more than a relationships needs at this time.

 

In a wee way, I mix my replies with thoughts not just answers to solve a solution. As I rather have the person who is struggling find the answers within themselves. Everyone may have similar issues and needs, just they are all different to how they deal with feelings and their thoughts.

 

My LDR SM and I are two different peeps when it comes to rational. I overly express my thoughts and feelings, not because I am clingy, because I want her to know how I feel in every way. She on the other hand says it once and sticks to it unless she needs to update. But we both find our way to meet half way so a wee bit of our rational is combined and understood.

 

One thing I have not shared... I tell my SM when in doubt (because we have limited time to talk and be around each other), re-read what I send, as the answer may not be in the words but how they are expressed. As at any given time interpretation may be swayed by emotions or just being tired. Who knows, someday you may login and re-read this old thread, and find an answer somewhere in what I shared.

 

Have no regrets, and allow for a proper ending to this relationship. Even if you do feel it tug that will pull you under, closure will be better than a hard disconnect. You never know, some day you may meet again under better circumstances. As I hate to say he is not the right guy, just not the right guy at the time in your life. Plus by standing up to fears of closure, you will be stronger when you need it most. Try not to fear an issue, as every issue that is brought out in the open, allows the light to show you the way.

 

Believe in yourself, and fight your anxiety as it will be an on going battle. By taking your time away like you have helps, but to keep it all inside will always be a wall between you and the person you love.

 

Take yoga, or find something relaxing and soothes your peace of mind. Stress is not a good mate in your life, and the more relaxed you are the easier you can overcome anxiety. At times anxiety will twist your perception of things around you, making you feel hurried, confined, and unable to do anything. Being able to rely on something to fall back on (Such as meditation), that can be done where you sit helps for sudden attacks.

Anxiety is a terrible thing, and can destroy faster than you are able to build, if let to its own devices.

 

Even though I was not able make a bitter pill taste sweet, I am happy you are finding your way.

Edited September 26, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[Bella2]

EVERYTHING makes me think about him. Then when I don't think about him, I realize "hey, I haven't thought about him" and it starts all over again. I really wish that memory procedure from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was real...it would make things a lot easier.

 

I guess I'm stuck in the "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either" phase.

 

That's exactly me right now. When I haven't thought about him for two minutes, I'm all surprised and yes, there we go again.

 

I know that my ex already jumped into a relationship 3 weeks after the BU and I don't want him back either, but it's sometimes hard to handle that I've been replaced so easily. He's probably all honeymoony, and I'm constantly reading Loveshack. Pffffffffff.

[Agent Orange]

That's exactly me right now. When I haven't thought about him for two minutes, I'm all surprised and yes, there we go again.

 

I know that my ex already jumped into a relationship 3 weeks after the BU and I don't want him back either, but it's sometimes hard to handle that I've been replaced so easily. He's probably all honeymoony, and I'm constantly reading Loveshack. Pffffffffff.

Yeah, that's exactly how I'm feeling too. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, my mind will just randomly jump to thinking about how he gets to be love-y with some other woman, while I'm here by myself with no real prospects...not even a potential rebound in sight.

[Justaguy30]

This is the funny thing about love, if can love someone with all of your heart yet want nothing to do with them. Its strange but true. I hate my ex with passion after what she did to me but I still love her but wouldn't even want to meet her on the street.

[Justm3x]

I know what your going through..... I ended things with my ex, i was testing him because i had a feeling something was wrong and my instincts were right. The moment i told him it was over he deleted me from his life in seconds, no explanation nothing and i then found out he was cheating and the new GF went straight out to the Caribbean to visit him with a week.. I was heart broken, I hate him with a passion but i still love him so much. he treated me like crap, but is till love him, he sent me horrendous texts and emails threatening that if i ruined it for him and his new gf he would find a reason to hate me, but i still love him. Its so hard getting over someone I spent 7 years with... but i understand what your going through.

[Agent Orange]

This is the funny thing about love, if can love someone with all of your heart yet want nothing to do with them. Its strange but true. I hate my ex with passion after what she did to me but I still love her but wouldn't even want to meet her on the street.

Yeah, I'm not yet at the point of wanting nothing to do with him. Unfortunately for me, when I fall for someone I fall hard, so moving on has been really difficult. The funny thing is that I don't necessarily hate him. I hate that he hurt me, and moved on so fast, but really I pity him more so than anything else. He's got some serious issues to work out and I doubt that he can have a successful relationship until that happens.

[singsparkles]

I'm gonna try to keep this as short as possible. My ex and I broke up about 5 (almost 6) months ago after about 4 years together. Basically, what happened is that I waited 2.5 years for him to move closer to where I live, and when he finally did, he decided he no longer knew what he wanted. When he refused to even think about what he wanted, the relationship just sort of fell apart.

 

For the first few months we went between full contact and limited contact, talking anywhere from daily to 2-3 times per week. At first I didn't think much of it, because I honestly thought we'd get back together. During that time he would act like my BF, (flirt, check up on me, invite me over to his place) but had no interest in actually being with me. It went on like this for a while.

 

Then in July he reached out to me because he was upset over something going on with his parents. I comforted him, and about a week or so later when I was freaking out over something important, he succeeded in making a bad situation worse and I yelled at him pretty badly. Begin full blown NC. Suddenly he disappeared off the face of the earth.

 

I reached out to him a few times (bad idea, I know) and was either ignored or met with suspicion. When I almost died at the end of August/beginning of September, he was completely indifferent. It was around this time that he abruptly stopped following me on Instagram.

 

Since then I've figured out that he has a new GF which makes me want to break things. It doesn't help knowing that he's broadcasting the relationship all over social media, something he NEVER did while we were together. So now I'm under the assumption that he was ashamed of me, and our relationship for the 4+ years we were together.

 

The stupid thing is, I know he's a bad person with serious emotional, family and intimacy issues. I know how messed up he is, and how rotten he tends to treat people. So why do I still care what he does? I already feel like an idiot for loving someone who was so unworthy, and staying with someone who was emotionally and mentally abusive but I can't seem to get over him...or us.

 

 

 

 

Agent Orange,

I'm going through the exact same thing. I don't want to be with my ex, but I can't get over him. I find myself obsessing over him a lot, especially when I'm alone, and it's unhealthy.

 

My take on this is your ex seems like a complete idiot. I can only imagine your pain... I know it's hard to see someone you were with for years with soemone new acting in a way he's never acted with you. I don't think he was ashamed of you, that's prob not the case.

 

You also said he ignored you and your feelings, which goes to show he still has unfinished feelings when it comes to you two. If he didn't, he would be able to reply.

 

Do you think he may be advertising this relationship all over social media in hopes you'll see it and to get to you?

 

He seems immature and seems as if he doesn't know what he wants. It's not you, it's him.

 

To heal yourself, I think you should really try to stop looking at all his social media accounts...even if it hurts, which I know it is hard and it hurts, but its the best thing for your heart. You need to heal and thinking about him and his life will not help you heal. (I've learned this personally, bc I still struggle with looking at my ex's social media and it's Lethal!)

 

I think you should move on just as he did and put him in the past. You two were together for years and it seems as if he didn't even try to make things work when you two were broken up. He's way too INCONSISTENT with his feelings, which shows he is a toxic person in your life. He just wants you when he wants you. It's unfortunate but in situations like this, when bridges are burnt, theres really never going back to how things once were.

 

I truly think he's left in the past. Free your heart and open your mind... focus on you and someone wonderful will come into your life. Someone far better than this guy!! I know it.

 

Hugs!,

xxx

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

You almost died? And he was indifferent? There's your answer right there. It doesn't matter how many years ya'll were together.... he doesn't care enough about you to make a commitment to you or be there when you need him.

 

I wish I could poke him in the face for you with a shovel... but really, it wouldn't help. It's hard to end a relationship. Even bad ones.

 

 

 

Fixed 10char

[Agent Orange]

My take on this is your ex seems like a complete idiot. I can only imagine your pain... I know it's hard to see someone you were with for years with soemone new acting in a way he's never acted with you. I don't think he was ashamed of you, that's prob not the case.

 

You also said he ignored you and your feelings, which goes to show he still has unfinished feelings when it comes to you two. If he didn't, he would be able to reply.

I don't know if he has unfinished feelings, but he became really ambivalent about halfway through the relationship and it surfaced the most in 2013 when I started grad school full time. Once I wasn't available to him 24/7 things between us went from shaky to ****ty pretty fast.

 

Do you think he may be advertising this relationship all over social media in hopes you'll see it and to get to you?

 

He seems immature and seems as if he doesn't know what he wants. It's not you, it's him.

 

To heal yourself, I think you should really try to stop looking at all his social media accounts...even if it hurts, which I know it is hard and it hurts, but its the best thing for your heart. You need to heal and thinking about him and his life will not help you heal. (I've learned this personally, bc I still struggle with looking at my ex's social media and it's Lethal!)

I blocked him on Instagram and Facebook last week. I've never bothered to follow him on Twitter because he never used to use it. But I definitely think he's broadcasting the new chick just to upset me. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much of a sadist he is. He really does enjoy manipulating and upsetting people for his own personal amusement. At this point I'm beginning to hate him, but I also pity him because he's a really sad individual. I mean, I know I'm not perfect but at least I can acknowledge my flaws. He can't and probably never will.

 

I think you should move on just as he did and put him in the past. You two were together for years and it seems as if he didn't even try to make things work when you two were broken up. He's way too INCONSISTENT with his feelings, which shows he is a toxic person in your life. He just wants you when he wants you. It's unfortunate but in situations like this, when bridges are burnt, theres really never going back to how things once were.

 

I truly think he's left in the past. Free your heart and open your mind... focus on you and someone wonderful will come into your life. Someone far better than this guy!! I know it.

The funny thing is that he accused me of being toxic. But you're right, he's extremely inconsistent. I've never known someone to waffle so much over their feelings. One minute he'd be all about the relationship, the next he needed "space." I don't know what happened to him when he moved back in with his parents, but it definitely changed him for the worse. Either that or the man I originally met was an act, and he reverted back to his real self. Regardless, he's not the same person anymore. Not at all.

 

Right now I'm mostly trying to stay focused on myself. Although a rebound has been tempting, I'd rather allow myself to heal 100% before going back into any sort of relationship. Hopefully there is someone out there who's right for me, but it'll be a while before I can open myself up like this again. I really do appreciate your optimism and kind words. It's been a really terrible week, and coming on LS for support has helped.