Terribly scared of going back to square 1 and i think I might be heading that way...

[falxmanolo]

Hey guys,

 

A little background- my ex of 2 years dumped me a year ago through a Facebook message. I struggled immensely to come to terms with it as I saw it as very sudden/out of the blue. He immediately changed his mobile number, moved cities and vanished out of my life. All this happened too sudden and I went totally downhill mentally and physically. Adding wound to the salt, my ex strung me along and never returned my belongings and called me a psycho (fair enough, I was quite crazy at that point)

Fast forward a year- I slowly regained my sense of self and built my life up, started seeing other guys and focussing on my career. Things were going ok until my ex contacted me out of the blue a couple of days ago. At this point, I was strictly NC for 6 months. It was a very plain Facebook message enquiring how I was. I responded to it very briefly. For example, this is what the conversation looked like

Ex- hi, how are you doing these days?

me- I'm very well, thank you. I hope you are keeping well too.

Ex- I could be better, thank you. How is work? Are you still at xyz (company, as I had blocked him on professional networking websites)

me-yes, everything is going well, thank you. I hope you are enjoying life too.

 

My ex did not reply after that because obviously I think my tone was quite stern. This happened a couple of days ago and messaging him felt alright. Unfortunately I am freaking out today. I met a common friend who told me my ex told him that he misses me and this got me so stressed out.

 

I am so scared that I will go back to being the girl I used to be, the vulnerable stupid kind that listened to my ex tell me horrible things. I am so scared I will go back endless days and nights of crying and feeling low and I cannot bear to think of that happening.. it was the darkest and most scariest part of my 24 years of life and I am so terrified it might happen again.

 

Has this happened to anybody? How did you guys react to your ex reaching out to you after NC? I would appreciate any insight as I feel I cannot afford to suffer another mental breakdown (yes, I needed counselling). Does this mean I am still not over him?

 

In tidbit summary- ex dumped via fb a year ago, i was devastated, turned crazy, finally let go, gained my sense of self, strict 6 month NC, doing well career-wise, dated a few nice guys, finally felt like i was moving on from the wounds of the past until ex contacted me off-guard couple of days ago (read convo above). Now, I'm terrified of becoming depressed again. What can I possibly do? Any similar experiences?

 

Thank you guys.. so many of you have been such a source of inspiration for me, thank you for that!

[falxmanolo]

In a bid to feel safer, I have deleted my Facebook account temporarily. I know this sounds ridiculous, is there anything else I can do to feel less vulnerable?

 

Anybody?

[Omei]

Just keep going without looking back you dont need to speak to him any further.

 

Deleting your account is okay I did that fairly often too whatever helps.

 

You won't go back as long as you dont go back remember how he broke up with you was cold and heartless didnt even respect you enough after two years to face your pain now whatever has happened to him to cause him to think he can have you back? Don't let that hes only looking back now because whatever his plans were prob fell through or things he wanted didnt happen for him so now hes willing to look back.

[Friggia]

Just remember that you are in a position of power here, since you seem to be doing very well without him and you now know that he is capable of being very cruel to you. He is the one who should be scared!! He knows what he did was very, very bad and his chances of getting back with you are close to zilch, because you are the better person in this situation. You are now a prize because you are not the same person you were one year ago. I think that you should have been a lot colder in your responses to him..... you were coming off as "too nice," which makes you look like a pushover and will remind him of how you used to be.

 

You should just continue focusing on yourself and not engage in conversations with him anymore. That was only a breadcrumb from his end, "I miss you" is meaningless until he actually proves to you consistently and over a large amount of time that he is serious about making amends.

[Jewels7]

Honestly, it sounds like you're doing amazing to me. I can't wait until I get to the point where you are. There is nothing wrong with staying off social media until all temptation is pver with. I think you handled youself very well. Just don't try to strike a friendship up if he offers. I think that is what will set you back.

[falxmanolo]

Just keep going without looking back you dont need to speak to him any further.

 

Deleting your account is okay I did that fairly often too whatever helps.

 

You won't go back as long as you dont go back remember how he broke up with you was cold and heartless didnt even respect you enough after two years to face your pain now whatever has happened to him to cause him to think he can have you back? Don't let that hes only looking back now because whatever his plans were prob fell through or things he wanted didnt happen for him so now hes willing to look back.

 

Thank you, I completely understand what you're saying. On a little personal introspection, I realised how selfish of him even this recent conversation is. He only contacted me because his male ego was falling apart from the lack of attention and love I gave him. It does slightly nauseate me that he still does not actually care about me but luckily, I care about myself and I have wonderful friends and family that have never left my side. Anyhow, lessons learned albeit the harder way.

 

Thank you for your reply! :-)

[falxmanolo]

Just remember that you are in a position of power here, since you seem to be doing very well without him and you now know that he is capable of being very cruel to you. He is the one who should be scared!! He knows what he did was very, very bad and his chances of getting back with you are close to zilch, because you are the better person in this situation. You are now a prize because you are not the same person you were one year ago. I think that you should have been a lot colder in your responses to him..... you were coming off as "too nice," which makes you look like a pushover and will remind him of how you used to be.

 

You should just continue focusing on yourself and not engage in conversations with him anymore. That was only a breadcrumb from his end, "I miss you" is meaningless until he actually proves to you consistently and over a large amount of time that he is serious about making amends.

 

Hi

 

You are right, my close friends echoed the same concerns of me being "too nice". Perhaps I should have been colder but I decided to be myself. As I mentioned in my massive first post, this relationship ending really screwed me over. I was one of those unbearably happy energetic positive people and I felt so sapped out after he dumped me. I went through so many phases haha, from happy bitch to bitter bitch to evil bitch to psychotic bitch to sober and I feel like I'm getting back to my old self very very slowly (with an added dose of cynicism when it comes to the matters of the heart). Hence I did not think too much before I replied to his message, because I honestly believed he messaged me because he was either bored or drunk or both (messaged me at 1 am on a saturday lol).

 

But I also wonder, was I subconsciously being nice so that he would just give me that wonderful validation and closure for being the most amazing girlfriend he had? Something which I craved for very long! I used to make up scenarios in my head that he would profusely apologise and tell me how much he regrets blah blah blah when I was still immature about the break up. Haha! Ridiculous... I don't think my ex is worth all this contemplation. Note to self to be not just be strong independent woman but also make it pretty damn obvious

[falxmanolo]

Honestly, it sounds like you're doing amazing to me. I can't wait until I get to the point where you are. There is nothing wrong with staying off social media until all temptation is pver with. I think you handled youself very well. Just don't try to strike a friendship up if he offers. I think that is what will set you back.

 

Thank you Jewels7

 

Phew, I'm still not convinced I am totally healed.. but it's taken time and it's been a dramatic journey, but thank you! I did actually make it very VERY clear that I did not want to be friends with my ex. In fact, when I went through the begging phase and asked him why he wouldn't speak to me (ok, I know pathetic, lessons learned) he would tell me that it was my idea to never be friends with him. Hence, why I am slightly infuriated (??) that he has the audacity to message me when he "misses" me (or the unbearable amounts of love, time & attention I gave him) on purely selfish grounds! I feel a little bad about that- he did not care about me for a year to find out how i was doing but suddenly he does? He clearly did not care about me when he dumped me via a Facebook message on the day he was supposed to help me move to my new house but he has the compulsion to message me when he misses the attention and love I gave him, I'm not sure if I dated a human or a goldfish (goldfish are very social animals and die when they're lonely)...

 

Sorry, I guess I'm being ranty and whiny about this!

[falxmanolo]

In retrospect, doesn't it make more sense to block him from my facebook rather than deketing my facebook temporarily? I must admit that the reason I didn't block him to start with was to prove it to myself and him that his existence makes no difference to me.. I'm not what the best thing to do is. Any thoughts?

[Zahara]

In retrospect, doesn't it make more sense to block him from my facebook rather than deketing my facebook temporarily? I must admit that the reason I didn't block him to start with was to prove it to myself and him that his existence makes no difference to me.. I'm not what the best thing to do is. Any thoughts?

 

1. Dumped you over FB

2. Deleted you from his life almost immediately

3. Strung you along

4. Called you a psycho

 

And you're asking if you should delete him from FB? What would be the point in having this man in your life in any capacity other than you still having the need to receive some form of validation? He had no issues treating you like you never existed. Block him and move forward. This man doesn't get to occupy any more space in your life.

[falxmanolo]

1. Dumped you over FB

2. Deleted you from his life almost immediately

3. Strung you along

4. Called you a psycho

 

And you're asking if you should delete him from FB? What would be the point in having this man in your life in any capacity other than you still having the need to receive some form of validation? He had no issues treating you like you never existed. Block him and move forward. This man doesn't get to occupy any more space in your life.

 

yes, of course. you are right. I am overly obsessing about being decent when he certainly doesn't deserve it. I have blocked him on all social media and I hope he won't contact me henceforth. Thanks Zahara, I needed that.

[falxmanolo]

1. Dumped you over FB

2. Deleted you from his life almost immediately

3. Strung you along

4. Called you a psycho

 

And you're asking if you should delete him from FB? What would be the point in having this man in your life in any capacity other than you still having the need to receive some form of validation? He had no issues treating you like you never existed. Block him and move forward. This man doesn't get to occupy any more space in your life.

 

I cannot understand why I have this restless feeling of almost guilt that I have blocked him. Why do I feel bad for blocking him? I know this sounds ludicrous! I mean, he did break my heart etc etc and I should feel safe protecting my heart from further hurt by blocking him. Why do I feel guilty? I cannot comprehend these feelings! And it's so infuriating and upsetting at the same time!

[Zahara]

yes, of course. you are right. I am overly obsessing about being decent when he certainly doesn't deserve it. I have blocked him on all social media and I hope he won't contact me henceforth. Thanks Zahara, I needed that.

 

And I think you wanting to seem decent in his eyes is because he left you in such a cruel way and the cruel names made you feel devalued. Talking to him now is maybe your way of trying to feel validated, accepted and valued again.

 

Block him everywhere.

[falxmanolo]

I feel like I'm going nuts! I am so furious! I feel like the calm person I had become is like a facade!

 

It absolutely infuriates me how he even thought he could message me when he misses me! Where was he when he left me to rot in the massive house on the day we were supposed to move in? Where was he when I needed him emotionally? LIKE WTF! What a selfish human! Makes me feel shameful for dating him! Why do I still want him to feel bad and fill with remorse for breaking my heart!!

 

Just needed to vent.. I am banned from speaking about my ex to my friends as I am supposed to be over him!! I need perspective!! I need to find my calmer self again!! I cannot be angry i HATE being angry!

[Zahara]

It's okay to be angry. Just don't react on it. Just purge those feelings and they'll soon pass.

 

You're angry because you let him get the best of you. You allowed him to step in and step out without any sort of repercussion and now you're angry that you did that and you want to really tell him how you feel. Unfortunately, what's done is done. You can't revisit this. But it is wasted energy to try and make someone of his mentality and emotional maturity understand or even empathize with you so just let this go and keep moving forward.

 

You need to block him everywhere, and I mean email, text, phone, FB, instagram, etc. You don't want him ever having the opportunity to invade your life again.

[falxmanolo]

Hey guys, it's me again

 

I know this is absolutely ludicrous!

 

I cannot stop feeling hurt by this! After all the ways my ex hurt me, I finally decided to move on and get my **** together. And he messages me after a year of vanishing into thin air because he's BORED and he MISSES ME? Like wtf!

 

This makes me so furious and cynical! Is this love? Is this really love?! Not an apology, not a word for a year and then a stupid message on social media asking me how i am doing? Is this what I thought love is? I am so upset and disillusioned!

 

I don't know if i'm having a weak moment today because I'm hormonal or because the magnitude of hurt has just hit me now after a very long time. I am so furious at my ex! I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS! I just want to be my happy self without this again! I have blocked him everywhere I could. Why am I still so angry?

 

He was an utter loser, totally stuck up! Is this the whole unrequited love hurting my feelings again?! I just can't seem to let this go!

[falxmanolo]

It's okay to be angry. Just don't react on it. Just purge those feelings and they'll soon pass.

 

You're angry because you let him get the best of you. You allowed him to step in and step out without any sort of repercussion and now you're angry that you did that and you want to really tell him how you feel. Unfortunately, what's done is done. You can't revisit this. But it is wasted energy to try and make someone of his mentality and emotional maturity understand or even empathize with you so just let this go and keep moving forward.

 

You need to block him everywhere, and I mean email, text, phone, FB, instagram, etc. You don't want him ever having the opportunity to invade your life again.

 

You are very kind and honest, thank you your advice is/was invaluable and I feel a lot more calmer and less stressed about the possibility of ex contacting me again.

 

Thank you!

[me85]

JUST BREATHE.

 

Yes, you are just hormonal right now. Plain and simple.

 

Receiving a message from your ex threw you into a whirlwind of emotions, mostly shock and confusion.

 

You are worrying about the possibility of feeling the way you used to. That's worrying before something bad actually happens. That's worrying for no reason. Don't torture yourself like that.

 

He didn't come right out and tell you that he missed you. Keep that in mind. If he really missed you and wanted you back you'd hear it from him, not from one of your mutual friends.

 

And yes, you should absolutely delete & block him from your FB rather than deleting your account. He shouldn't ruin anything in your life that you enjoy doing. Like being on social media. Don't give him any power.