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I deserved better. I DO deserve better.


SpiralOut

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I am not 100% over my last serious relationship, though it ended more than 3 years ago.

 

Without going into a long rant, let's just say that he didn't listen to me, didn't care about my feelings, and lied all the time about everything. By the end of the relationship I felt like I was dating a selfish child who was sucking the life out of me. By the time it was over, I felt like something had been taken from me. My energy levels haven't really been the same since. I haven't felt like the same person since.

 

 

All this time I've been asking myself: was that the best I could do? Did I do something to deserve it? Did I hate myself or something? Will people judge me for it? Was something wrong with me?

 

Now I know I never deserved that treatment. Nobody does. I deserve better. And nothing was wrong with me. I was naïve and wanted to be in love so badly that I overlooked all the red flags. I did see them. I wasn't too stupid to see. I just ignored them because I am human. I haven't felt the same since then because I have judged myself, deciding that I must be horribly flawed in some way.

 

 

Still not entirely sure of what exactly was taken from me, but something definitely was.

Edited by SpiralOut
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Wow, for a minute I thought you were talking about my ex-fiance! The whole "sucked the life out of me" thing, been there, done that! But mine was rather interesting, not only was I dealing with a fience that was sucking both my time, money, attention, but I was getting it from both end, her parents were even sucking me dry! And yes, I've been telling myself lately that I deserve better than what I recently had.

 

It's a long read, but if you want to ready my story, you'll see what type of blood sucking leaches I was dealing with!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/494228-1-5-months-later-i-m-still-upside-down

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Lernaean_Hydra
I just ignored them because I am human. I haven't felt the same since then because I have judged myself, deciding that I must be horribly flawed in some way.

 

Well you already know you were not the one at fault there. It's hard not to cast judgement upon yourself when you wake up and realize just how much BS you put up with and overlooked but you have to keep telling yourself YOU were not the problem. This needs to become a daily chant of yours.

 

Sadly, trying to love someone, no matter how awful there are for you is part of being human. Emotion often overrides logic to our detriment. However, the fact that you have not only gotten out of that situation but are also fully able to admit to yourself that the relationship was toxic is a very significant thing.

 

was that the best I could do? Did I do something to deserve it? Did I hate myself or something? Will people judge me for it? Was something wrong with me?

 

It's not a matter of hating yourself or having personal issues of your own. In my experience, you can love yourself plenty but still feel a need to make things work with someone once you have become deeply emotionally involved to an extent. The questions you've asked yourself would only really be relevant if you were still involved with him.

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I am not 100% over my last serious relationship, though it ended more than 3 years ago.

 

All this time I've been asking myself: was that the best I could do? Did I do something to deserve it? Did I hate myself or something? Will people judge me for it? Was something wrong with me?

 

Now I know I never deserved that treatment. Nobody does. I deserve better. And nothing was wrong with me. I was naïve and wanted to be in love so badly that I overlooked all the red flags. I did see them. I wasn't too stupid to see. I just ignored them because I am human. I haven't felt the same since then because I have judged myself, deciding that I must be horribly flawed in some way.

 

.

 

This is the issue that I'm having myself. Asking over and over 'Could i have done something different, maybe if I'd said this, maybe if I'd have done that..'. It was torture thinking these things.

 

I made mistakes, he made mistakes. Do i deserve what I got at the end of this relationship? No. Did I deserve to find out that he met someone at his work party and was seeing her 10 days after BU? No. Did i deserve the abuse I got for simply wanting to sort things out? No. I deserved more, we deserve more.

 

I will find someone that I don't have to beg to be with me, someone that fights to be with me. We will find it and we DO deserve better. Please keep telling yourself that.

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Feelbettersoon

I ignored the red flags too that started appearing a year into the relationship, I used to beg for him to stay and now I can see how shocking that was, someone should want to be with me and not have to be asked. I was so focused on the first year which was great that I kept thinking it would go back to normal. It COULD of, but it was all him making it worse with his attuide towards me.

 

Unless we all cheated / lied or did something bad we don't deserve this kind of treatment

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hopelessromanticchic

I ignore all the red flags too SpiralOut. Its just that people like you and i give people the benefit of the doubt and think someday soon the other person will come to their senses and realize the kind of person they have in front of them. There has to be a way to turn the tables.But thats just pretending to be someone you're not. You do deserve so much better. I deserve so much better. One day well find someone who accepts us the way we are. The person we end up with is going to be so lucky because we have done so much for the wrong person. Imagine what we would do for the right one?

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Well you already know you were not the one at fault there. It's hard not to cast judgement upon yourself when you wake up and realize just how much BS you put up with and overlooked but you have to keep telling yourself YOU were not the problem. This needs to become a daily chant of yours.

 

Sadly, trying to love someone, no matter how awful there are for you is part of being human. Emotion often overrides logic to our detriment. However, the fact that you have not only gotten out of that situation but are also fully able to admit to yourself that the relationship was toxic is a very significant thing.

 

 

 

It's not a matter of hating yourself or having personal issues of your own. In my experience, you can love yourself plenty but still feel a need to make things work with someone once you have become deeply emotionally involved to an extent. The questions you've asked yourself would only really be relevant if you were still involved with him.

 

 

Well I figure that a person who loves themselves won't put up with crap from other people the way that I did with him. And I really did hate myself to a certain degree.

 

But yeah you're right. It's not my fault that he lied to me. That was his own choice. I did nothing to deserve that.

 

 

 

I ignore all the red flags too SpiralOut. Its just that people like you and i give people the benefit of the doubt and think someday soon the other person will come to their senses and realize the kind of person they have in front of them. There has to be a way to turn the tables.But thats just pretending to be someone you're not. You do deserve so much better. I deserve so much better. One day well find someone who accepts us the way we are. The person we end up with is going to be so lucky because we have done so much for the wrong person. Imagine what we would do for the right one?

 

That's true, I kept wanting him to appreciate me but I never felt that he did. I felt like the only way to have him "appreciate" me was to cook him dinner (even though I worked and he didn't) and have sex with him whenever he wanted. The end. I never felt that he appreciate me for who I was as an actual person. He didn't even know what I was studying at college. He never asked me any questions about it while I was living with him and going to school. That's sort of weird, isn't it? That really bothered me.

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I ignore all the red flags too SpiralOut. Its just that people like you and i give people the benefit of the doubt and think someday soon the other person will come to their senses and realize the kind of person they have in front of them. There has to be a way to turn the tables.But thats just pretending to be someone you're not. You do deserve so much better. I deserve so much better. One day well find someone who accepts us the way we are. The person we end up with is going to be so lucky because we have done so much for the wrong person. Imagine what we would do for the right one?

 

OP, everyone, I totally relate. I am hurting too, thinking of what could have been, if only they turned out to be who they first claimed to be. To have wanted what they seemed to have wanted. My recent guy seemed to want a relationship but strung me along (I was drawn in deep) and in the end played the "I don't want a relationship" card.

 

I even discussed a project I did in school relating to something he was really interested in, and he didn't even ask me any questions. For some reason they are "lost" while being with us, maybe they will always be that way, I don't see them "waking up" in the near future anyway.

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