My experience meeting ex 9 weeks post BU (Updated)

[Feelbettersoon]

I know everyone's situation and BU is different, and posters on here say NC to heal and also not to make contact when your hurt and raw. My BU wasn't related to cheating/lying or any of those bad things which would immediately push me to move on. I think not reaching out has let me gather thoughts but also carrying weight now on my shoulders from these thoughts that I cannot let go of. I don't want to hear anyone say "don't meet", maybe I'll be told there is someone else in the picture which will push me in the direction of no hope. Maybe I'll get some answers or closure.

 

Does anyone have any experiences / advice on meeting up after a 2-3 month period of NC? Preferably if you were the dumpee.

 

I don't have intentions of ever creating a friendship with my ex as I know that doesn't work out for the majority of us.

[MrWorkinProgress]

I don't recommend meeting up at any time while you still give a damn. I've actually built something of a friendship with a few exes, but only years after we broke up, and after I had zero emotional investment in them. If you're looking for any kind of "closure" or some glimmer of hope that the door is still open for you, then it's too early. I promise you, you will feel worse, not better.

[StrangerThanFiction]

I don't recommend meeting up at any time while you still give a damn. I've actually built something of a friendship with a few exes, but only years after we broke up, and after I had zero emotional investment in them. If you're looking for any kind of "closure" or some glimmer of hope that the door is still open for you, then it's too early. I promise you, you will feel worse, not better.

 

I totally agree with this. I'm friends with a couple of my exes but it was years later and there were no lingering feelings, either negative or positive. To do the friends thing with an ex I think you have to go back to neutral first. Takes time, but it's possible.

[Allumere]

I personally would prefer to meet than not..get it over with one way or another. I don't like unfinished business and I'd rather get a "I have moved on and am with someone else" then harbor hope. The argument is "well they broke up with you what other proof do you need that they don't want you" Well for some of us with that damn fight for love/never say never mind set, it takes that one last gut shot for us to get it.

[SLK11]

We met up after a month and half she told me she loved me but didn't want to be with me. She was crying etc but then went back to her cold self. At the time of our break-up said she didn't love me etc... I should of never met up with her all it did was break me apart again after I was doing so well with NC for 16 days. Oh well lesson learned back to NC again on day 2 and it hurts. I wish I would of stayed NC and she never came back to tell me all that stuff. No one cheated etc... We got into a fight and she broke up with me. She did tell me she had been thinking about it for a whole month prior to the BU and the fight was her way out I suppose. Oh well time to start all over again if I was you I would hope they don't contact you it's much easier.

[Feelbettersoon]

I personally would prefer to meet than not..get it over with one way or another. I don't like unfinished business and I'd rather get a "I have moved on and am with someone else" then harbor hope. The argument is "well they broke up with you what other proof do you need that they don't want you" Well for some of us with that damn fight for love/never say never mind set, it takes that one last gut shot for us to get it.

 

Word!

 

Exactly how I feel. Did you ever meet an ex after and this happen?

[Feelbettersoon]

We met up after a month and half she told me she loved me but didn't want to be with me. She was crying etc but then went back to her cold self. At the time of our break-up said she didn't love me etc... I should of never met up with her all it did was break me apart again after I was doing so well with NC for 16 days. Oh well lesson learned back to NC again on day 2 and it hurts. I wish I would of stayed NC and she never came back to tell me all that stuff. No one cheated etc... We got into a fight and she broke up with me. She did tell me she had been thinking about it for a whole month prior to the BU and the fight was her way out I suppose. Oh well time to start all over again if I was you I would hope they don't contact you it's much easier.

 

So you just met your ex two days ago? She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, atleast you tried and can tell yourself that

[SLK11]

Exactly I tried everything I could try but in the end I can't make her be with me. Like everyone says here NC unless she is banging down my door saying she wants to try again. But even though I am hurt and still very much love her i'm not sure if I could even go back to her, I don't think I could get past the fact she doesn't love me like I love her and could just drop me like I meant nothing. I think I will wait it out and be with someone who loves me as much as I love them. I don't settle for anything in life and I have so much love to give I would feel like I was robbing myself of a happier time or wasting all the love I have to offer to the right person if I went back to her. In the end she gave up on us and didn't love us enough to stay why would I even want someone like that. I want someone who will go to the ends of the earth to be with me like I would of done for her.

[Justaguy30]

If you still have feelings for her don't do it. If she had feelings for you and wanted to get back together I assure you should would be contacting you. As for closure that comes from within nothing she says is going to heal you. It always seems like talking will help but normally it just raises more questions. Unless a woman is in a committed relationship she will still tell you she isn't seeing anyone. I don't know why that is but she will likely not give you any info on her love life and you don't want it anyway. The door is closed because you broke up. I assume you are the dumpee so if she comes to you sure maybe but you going to her isn't going to do anything. Hope that helps, I would leave it alone for about another 9 months and then maybe you can talk.

[Feelbettersoon]

If you still have feelings for her don't do it. If she had feelings for you and wanted to get back together I assure you should would be contacting you. As for closure that comes from within nothing she says is going to heal you. It always seems like talking will help but normally it just raises more questions. Unless a woman is in a committed relationship she will still tell you she isn't seeing anyone. I don't know why that is but she will likely not give you any info on her love life and you don't want it anyway. The door is closed because you broke up. I assume you are the dumpee so if she comes to you sure maybe but you going to her isn't going to do anything. Hope that helps, I would leave it alone for about another 9 months and then maybe you can talk.

 

Dumper is male, I am female

[Justaguy30]

Well in that case go ahead and contact him, you might get your feelings hurt but guys are way easier to make up with than girls ill tell you that.

[ThorntonMelon]

I don't want to hear anyone say "don't meet"

 

I know you mean well, but it isn't all that helpful to respond to a posting when the OP takes the correct answer away.

 

You don't need something your ex says to get over someone, you need the self control to grieve separately.

[Feelbettersoon]

I know you mean well, but it isn't all that helpful to respond to a posting when the OP takes the correct answer away.

 

You don't need something your ex says to get over someone, you need the self control to grieve separately.

 

That is true.

 

I suspect there is someone new, for him. I spend too much time guessing and wondering, if he tells me, it'll be a slap in the face but I have no choice then to stop hoping?

[Feelbettersoon]

Well in that case go ahead and contact him, you might get your feelings hurt but guys are way easier to make up with than girls ill tell you that.

 

Why do you think that? I thought many men can be stubborn in breakup situations, iv seen many girls go back to there ex BFs that try hard to reconcile with them, but I haven't seen any the other way around - yet!

[d0nnivain]

Closure is a myth. The other person isn't going to magically say something that will foster your healing. If they had that kind of ability to communicate you probably would not have have broken up because you would have been able to work through the problem.

 

There are only 3 valid reasons to schedule to meet up after it's official over:

 

1. because you want to get back together.

 

2. because you need to exchange stuff

 

3. It's in the best interest of any children you have together.

 

The idea that now that some time has passed you will be able to see & think more clearly will be right out the window when you see them. they will still push all your old buttons & you will be worse of for having done this to yourself.

 

If like somebody said you need that "one last punch in the gut", be a masochist. It's your sanity. To my way of thinking the time to fight for your relationship was way before it got to the point of no return & you broke up. Once that threshold is crossed there's no going back.

[cif]

You will get closure when you become indifferent to your ex. Only time can give you that. The idea that you'll get questions answered is invalid since a) exes lie, and b) you'll be left with even more questions in your head. Not worth it.

[Feelbettersoon]

Closure is a myth. The other person isn't going to magically say something that will foster your healing. If they had that kind of ability to communicate you probably would not have have broken up because you would have been able to work through the problem.

 

There are only 3 valid reasons to schedule to meet up after it's official over:

 

1. because you want to get back together.

 

2. because you need to exchange stuff

 

3. It's in the best interest of any children you have together.

 

The idea that now that some time has passed you will be able to see & think more clearly will be right out the window when you see them. they will still push all your old buttons & you will be worse of for having done this to yourself.

 

If like somebody said you need that "one last punch in the gut", be a masochist. It's your sanity. To my way of thinking the time to fight for your relationship was way before it got to the point of no return & you broke up. Once that threshold is crossed there's no going back.

 

Yes I'm leaning towards number 1 there to be honest.

Absence has only made my heart grow fonder, and the breakup wasn't an awful one (iv had one of those before and man..not good)

I just want to try one last time, I have always been a fighter. I feel if I don't give one last try, that I will always wonder.

[MrWorkinProgress]

Closure is a myth. The other person isn't going to magically say something that will foster your healing. If they had that kind of ability to communicate you probably would not have have broken up because you would have been able to work through the problem.

 

Yes, this. Closure can only come from within; your ex can't give you closure even if he/she wants to, because closure is solely about your feelings, and no one else can be responsible for or control your feelings.

 

Even internally, there's no such thing as "closure". There's just a gradually dissipation until you one day realize that you aren't hurting anymore.

[Justaguy30]

Why do you think that? I thought many men can be stubborn in breakup situations, iv seen many girls go back to there ex BFs that try hard to reconcile with them, but I haven't seen any the other way around - yet!

 

I think it really depends on how the situation ended. If a girl cheats on a guy and lies to him which happens a lot and she tries to get him back yeah he might not want to listen. My ex tried that with me and I was still really angry at her after 3 months. I of course wanted her back but was still so mad about what she did. Had I been calm we might have worked things out. I say go for it otherwise you will never know.

[d0nnivain]

Yes I'm leaning towards number 1 there to be honest.

Absence has only made my heart grow fonder, and the breakup wasn't an awful one (iv had one of those before and man..not good)

I just want to try one last time, I have always been a fighter. I feel if I don't give one last try, that I will always wonder.

 

If you were the dumpee, it's highly unlikely that you will get back together. your EX initiated the break up because there were things about the relationship that your EX didn't like. If those haven't been fixed, there is no hope for reconciliation.

 

That said I can understand the idea that you need to feel like you tried everything.

 

Just be careful. I see this meeting doing you more harm then good.

[Feelbettersoon]

If you were the dumpee, it's highly unlikely that you will get back together. your EX initiated the break up because there were things about the relationship that your EX didn't like. If those haven't been fixed, there is no hope for reconciliation.

 

That said I can understand the idea that you need to feel like you tried everything.

 

Just be careful. I see this meeting doing you more harm then good.

 

They have been fixed as the external situation that was causing stress has gone, the desire to be with me has probably died though. You may be right but it might just give me the push I need to move on

[Justaguy30]

Just do it, you never know. I wouldn't go poking around about him having been with people or anything though as if you do get back together its better to just not know.

[maradona]

I know how you are feeling...I also know that no matter what anyone will tell you, you will try one more time so that you know deep down that you did everything you could..

 

People gave me the same advice, but I still wanted to try. In my situation, she took advantage of that. Ask yourself before you continue, can you ever trust him again? If he left once, couldn't he do it again? Can I live with that insecurity if we got back together? Finally, he did nothing to get you back, that means throughout your relationship should you get back together he has all the power, knowing he can leave you anytime and you will be there.

 

Be careful and protect yourself. Do what you need to do, so that you will not have any regrets when you look back one day and realize you truly deserve better. Good luck!

[Allumere]

Word!

 

Exactly how I feel. Did you ever meet an ex after and this happen?

 

Yes. We meet for beer and pizza about 6 weeks after the breakup maybe. Went pretty well but of course got more difficult as we discussed the relationship. The feelings hadn't changed..they weren't the issue so getting back together wasn't on the table. So it was left at maybe meeting again for dinner but made no plans. Dinner did get scheduled and it was literally down to me driving to the restaurant when he pulled a Lucy and yanked away the football. He had met someone he was interested in and wanted to see where it was going so meeting didn't feel right. I was pissed at the last minute play call but it got my attention to step away. So we left it at periodic chats via email and when he was getting serious with the new gal he shut that down too. Anyway he got married and in recent months he made contact and we have meet up for beer and keep in touch (not behind wife's back as she has come along).

 

It wasn't easy. No matter what during the first meeting hope certainly exist just because things are fresh. You have to be willing to recognize that no conversation that hints at reconciliation is truly valid at that first meeting. And if the breakup was rough/emotional then it would be best to maybe keep things light and the meeting short so you both walk away with a more positive experience of each other. There will be time to ask questions and it may or may not be the time. You need to be aware of your emotions and honestly being open to the outcome. Even if its the "not interested" line, take a deep breath, cry, and be relieved that the line in the sand in drawn and its time to move up and out.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes I'm leaning towards number 1 there to be honest.

Absence has only made my heart grow fonder, and the breakup wasn't an awful one (iv had one of those before and man..not good)

I just want to try one last time, I have always been a fighter. I feel if I don't give one last try, that I will always wonder.

 

It takes two to fight and since he dumped you, it's up for him to make most of the effort to repair what he broke. The whole "I'm a fighter" thing is foolish -- this isn't a Hollywood movie, this is real life. You fight for the relationship during the relationship, not after it breaks. All fighting now does is prolong the agony.

 

I mean, what you are wanting to do isn't intelligent, isn't productive, isn't helpful, and isn't realistic. I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to rejoin the real world.