Anyone else feel like giving up on looking for love?

[dispirited]

I am currently going through breakup #4 with a commitmentphobe (we're both in our early 30s). We were only together about 6 months during the initial 3 breakups and then spent a year and a half apart. I spent all of that time in therapy 2x a week and trying to find the right combination of antidepressants so I could get out of bed every day. I even dated another man for about a month. The sad thing is that I never stopped missing him intensely and just felt I couldn't live without him in my life. I fooled myself into believing I wanted to try to be friends, so I contacted him. This, predictably, led to him telling me that he realized that he had made a huge mistake with me and that he wanted another chance, claiming that he was willing to try to work through his fears instead of running. I believed him and we decided to try again. I quit therapy because I felt like not being able to get over him was the problem I came in with and after a year and a half, here I was getting back together with him...obviously I wasn't changing.

 

Our time together was as happy as ever and I was convinced that he was going to be my partner for life. We both dislike the place we live, but are located here for our jobs. In the conversation about getting back together, we made an agreement to stop looking for jobs elsewhere for a while to focus on our relationship and then try to leave together. A month after this conversation, out of nowhere, his company offered him the opportunity to move halfway across the country to a more desirable location. He fell apart (literally made himself sick) and started to feel trapped, which led to him ending things again. I don't even know whether he's leaving or not.

 

Cognitively, I know this was all a mistake. I should have stayed away, I should feel relieved that I saw his true colors, I should move on, etc. Emotionally, I feel exhausted and hopeless. I have had three serious boyfriends in my life, each of them with probable personality disorders and emotionally unavailable. I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 17 and we stayed together for 8 years. He was a bonafide sociopath and put me through hell that it's not worth reliving here. However, I couldn't leave him and the wounds from that relationship have haunted every relationship that came after. I have spent years in different types of therapy to try to keep myself from choosing men like this and to actually be able to walk away when they show me who they really are. I just never seem to learn.

 

Through therapy, I have found out that my parents were "emotionally neglectful". My mom had me when she was in high school, so it's hard for me to blame her for not knowing better. I have a doctoral degree and am very successful at my job, so at I got at least part of my life right. My whole life I have believed that I am unloveable and would never find someone who wanted to stay with me. I seem determined to keep proving that to myself over and over. I feel like giving up on searching for love. I keep making the same mistakes no matter how hard I try to avoid them, so the thought of any future relationship just evokes the fear of how much pain will come when it inevitably ends. Dating feels futile. Some people never find love and I am convinced, yet scared to death, that I am going to be one of them.

 

I apologize for how long this is, but hope someone will read it to the end. I am just wondering if there is anyone out there who can empathize with feeling so hopeless and what they've done/are doing about it.

[Reels]

I never found again. It has been over 2 years that I had break up with my first and only love.

 

I think I am not ready for another disaster and I am so judgmental that I have lost the practice of giving another try.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

All I can say is be strong make your life as happy as you can, and don't give up.

 

It does not matter what age you are to find someone who truly loves you and wants commitment.

 

Most find a better match later in life, not by the faulty relationships, but finding maturity in what really matters.

 

Some want commitment to start a family, and others for stability.

 

If you are feeling stuck with your age group, it is to be expected. Older peeps have a better general view of what is important. Though ignoring doubts like you have, has compounded matters to your depletion of energy.

 

Take your time to recover, and allow yourself to be loved again.

[dumbass2]

At your age, no way do you give up on finding love. I found love in my late 40's, of course now I have a tendency at my age to feel like giving up half the time because it is more and more difficult as I try dating again to find that chemistry to get things off the ground and then the compatibility.

 

DO NOT GIVE UP! I wish I was your age again. I'd be feeling really good about my chances. You will find another and maybe yet another. You may end up in loving relationships with more than one other person as you continue on with the rest of your life. You just never know and we all hope we find the "one" that will stick.

[Missy0724]

You are not alone, dispirited! I totally understand where you are coming from! I am from a similar background, upbringing. Both parents not around, no emotional support or expression. I basically grew up with no parents, just adults putting roof over my head, feeding me, keeping somewhat of an eye on me. Yes, I am grateful for that, but the lack of loving expression, touching, a simple, "how was your day"? def impacted me. I am in my mid 40's.

 

Have had many relationships. Married for a long time, but eventually that fell apart, too. I know my part and that I have my own issues, insecurities, self esteem issues, etc. I've been to therapy and that helped me deal with my past, parents, etc.

 

I did not make healthy choices with the last two relationships I was in. One just ended three months ago. With a possible narcissist. He was an addict of many things, lots of emotional issues, said he was "good" and ready to be in a relationship, acted like he was for months. Until he just couldn't keep up the charade,and his addictions, lack of boundaries, selfishness, inability to be emotionally intimate - then things got bad, I knew it, but didn't want to "fail", held on, thought I could "change him", make him get over his ex wife...blah blah blah. All that stuff that codependent people do. Yes, I was. And something was better than nothing for me at that time. And he was so charming, swept me off my feet, giving, money, trips...all that superficial stuff that blinded me, because it was all new to me! No one had been so charming and seemed so into me, before.

 

Anyway - I understand how you feel.

 

He did a number on me and my attitude towards men, love, being in a relationship, in a healthy one! I don't have a ton of faith right now. But actually kind of apathetic about it? Don't really care in a way. Really enjoying being alone, friends, keeping busy, etc. Doing my own thing. Not looking for anything and really don't care at this point. Accepted that perhaps I won't ever be in a happy healthy relationship. Maybe I cannot do that. Maybe I cannot "see" healthy men who could be so good for me? Not quite sure... I have a few male friends who would probably date me, but I am not attracted to them like that. And they are GOOD men! SO hard to find a good man who you are also physically attracted to! I sacrificed that in my marriage, and learned that is pretty important...

 

I guess my advice is to just have a "whatever" attitude". Be OK alone. Love yourself. Keep going to therapy and working on that self esteem, loving yourself and your life. Get stronger. Accept that we don't "need" a man, but we would like to some day "have" a partner in our lives... when we are healthy. When we've done some more soul searching, growing. Then maybe we can pick healthier men? People better suited for us?

 

And these men, relationships have also hopefully taught us lessons. Of what we really want, don't want, what will tolerate, won't tolerate in the future. To look for and listen to those red flags! And be strong enough, love ourselves enough to be OK to walk away, and not be so depressed if it doesn't work out! Things don't work out for a reason! We have to see the lessons in that! And better to walk away earlier...before we get too invested. Learn to say, NO. It's up to us to do that. For ourselves. Better to be alone, than with the wrong person, right? Have to believe that!!! We have to learn to be OK with being alone, with ourselves. Hard to do, takes time, practice, therapy to understand ourselves, etc. But we can do it! :-)

 

Best of luck!!!

[JDPT]

I haven't even started yet....

[thekid36]

Sure, what we go through has an affect. All in life is still specific. Truly sad to see that some are not more open. It all starts with our own attitude. Things happen to come when we do not even expect. Yet, being closed off or bitter means we may miss out on something enjoyable. May be what is most sad of all.

[Mla]

Great positive advice on the replies to this post! But yea I feel the SAMe and lost all faith I read once that even if a relationship lasts one of you has to leave the others at some point 'death' so it's important to cope alone although I struggle immensely with tht and struggle to enjoy what is knowin or believin it won't last as nothing lasts! But I'm due to start therapy to change my way of thinkin hopefully to be more positive but ur not alone please take in all the positive advice uv been given very helpful! I felt lifted readin em

[me85]

I wonder what's worse...to be scared to death you won't find love again, or to be scared to death you will find love again ?

 

I don't want to fall in love again. At least not for many many years. I've come a long way and have been devastated too many times to count. I finally enjoy being single again and just want to be where I am for as long as I can. Because I'm finally in a good place. I did that...ME...no one else. Having that sense of pride empowers me in so many ways. I hung up my hat on getting into another RS-roughly a year ago. I need to focus on myself and wouldn't have it any other way, really. If I can't be happy on my own, how can I be happy with someone else? If I can't take care of myself, how will take care of my bf/husband/or even a child??

 

My last RS was emotionally crippling, to say the least. It broke me down in ways I've never been broken before. It was the hardest to get over and I'm still not 100% there yet. I'm over my ex but not the hurt. Not fully anyways. I've certainly moved mountains since the initial BU and made loads of progress but the journey of moving forward, is of course, on going.

 

Please PM me anytime. I certainly can relate to being with a sociopath and the damage they cause. Coming here has helped us all a great deal. Just keep coming here to vent. I also know the hurt of not having the best parenting. I've dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life, but unlike you, I never went into to therapy. So you really have accomplished a lot. That's excellent! I have written many things on here...I guess my advice to you would be the same, yet different.

 

Do you want love? Or do you want to be happy? Is it that you believe finding love will make you happy?

[dumbass2]

I wonder what's worse...to be scared to death you won't find love again, or to be scared to death you will find love again ?

 

I don't want to fall in love again. At least not for many many years. I've come a long way and have been devastated too many times to count. I finally enjoy being single again and just want to be where I am for as long as I can. Because I'm finally in a good place. I did that...ME...no one else. Having that sense of pride empowers me in so many ways. I hung up my hat on getting into another RS-roughly a year ago. I need to focus on myself and wouldn't have it any other way, really. If I can't be happy on my own, how can I be happy with someone else? If I can't take care of myself, how will take care of my bf/husband/or even a child??

 

My last RS was emotionally crippling, to say the least. It broke me down in ways I've never been broken before. It was the hardest to get over and I'm still not 100% there yet. I'm over my ex but not the hurt. Not fully anyways. I've certainly moved mountains since the initial BU and made loads of progress but the journey of moving forward, is of course, on going.

 

Please PM me anytime. I certainly can relate to being with a sociopath and the damage they cause. Coming here has helped us all a great deal. Just keep coming here to vent. I also know the hurt of not having the best parenting. I've dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life, but unlike you, I never went into to therapy. So you really have accomplished a lot. That's excellent! I have written many things on here...I guess my advice to you would be the same, yet different.

 

Do you want love? Or do you want to be happy? Is it that you believe finding love will make you happy?

 

Love is a risky business. You have to decide if that risk is worth taking. I use to feel it wasn't, now I do want it more than ever. I'm willing to take that risk again. When it's good, there is no other feeling, but when it's not meant to be, that's really really tough.