Mary Oak Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 SO, I will start off saying that I brought this on myself. I know I should not have responded, but I did. I was at a very low point, not that there is an excuse. So, ex and I work together. Now, she has brought her brother onboard. Who I see all the time. It sucks because all it does is remind me of her. This was about a month ago. Him and I talk everyday, and it is nice to see him again. He is a really good guy. I figure I will eventually become desensitized to him. I can't do anything about it. We never talk about my ex. Well, yesterday, I had a really bad day at work. My boss and I got into a huge fight, and I didn't back down to him this time. So, it was nasty. I guess I feel almost invincible now. Like if I can take this hurt from my ex, nothing else can hurt me. Bring it on. Well, I wasn't in the wrong about the incident at work and it got brought up to the girl who did make the mistake. Just to cut out all the crap, my ex found out about it, and emailed me last night telling me what happened after I left. She normally does not contact me, but felt i should know. I appreciate that. I was really emotional about this fight and email a few emails back and forth with her. SHe was my biggest fan, as she has always been. We talked about my work options, etc. Nothing other than work related. But, I swear, just her tone, her words, how she was proud of me etc. just broke me down. Not her fault, what she did was very kind. We always shared these type of things, because who knows better than someone you work with. SHe also emailed this morning to check on me. Anyways, it is jsut so small, and so non meaning. SHe would have probably done that for anyone. I am no one to her. I know that. SHe will continue sleeping with gf, or whatever they call each other. It means absolutely nothing to her, and ripped my heart out. So, here is to being a #1 fool! I hurt myself once again. We didn't ask about each other at all, just work related. F me! Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I believe you implemented a boundary about contact, she broke it and you went against your own terms. I can see why she has never taken you seriously in terms of what you need/want. It doesn't matter whether she would do it for anyone, the situation with you is different regardless of whether you mean nothing or something to her. What contact means to you and how it affects you is what matters. Until you prioritize that and want that in your life and come to the realization that the pain of NC is far more tolerable than the aftermath of contact, I am not sure what anyone can say to help you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Zahara is right. Your ex is not just any other person to you. With my ex, people can say hello to him at work, but I won't do it. He is not the same person to me as to them, and there must be a boundary in place. You cannot have any contact with your ex unless it is life or death over a work issue. Are you sure you can't find another job? It seems like the job is at the root of breaking contact every time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted September 17, 2014 Author Share Posted September 17, 2014 You are both absolutely right. I have no self control and bring it all on myself. There is no help for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Mary Oak, there is nothing at all wrong with feeling overwhelmed by another's kindness! It's only that you did not expect it from this particular source. But it still IS meaningful when someone shows us kindness and caring, perhaps especially it is unexpected . It's not so much that you are "no one to her"...but it is that you are the same as everyone else to her. All of it, yes, might mean that you have to 'update' SOME of your prior thought-beliefs about your ex. As long as you don't get into any type of thought-cycle that will (inaccurately, distortedly, wrongly) suggest to you that she sees you as "more special" than the next or any other person. You get to make your picture of her more accurate while at the same time acknowledging that you are and will forever be just exes. That's all. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 You are both absolutely right. I have no self control and bring it all on myself. There is no help for me. Don't beat yourself up about it, but do hold yourself accountable. You have to look out for yourself. It's really rough working with her. You have never truly been NC for any length of time, so the breakup is like a scab you are picking at. You will never move on and heal like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 (edited) You are both absolutely right. I have no self control and bring it all on myself. There is no help for me. You have to go NC, granted a difficult situation to be in but you have to at least try. At the end of the day you have a choice and it's up to you to determine what path you want to take. I understand you're in pain. I've been there. But at least do and prioritize one thing for yourself. Implement and enforce NC. At some point you have to decide if you can still work there. There comes a time when the job just isn't worth the emotional and mental turmoil. There's no point having a wonderful and great paying job when you're just miserable everyday. And if you can't create boundaries, you need another plan and maybe leaving is the best for you since you've been struggling for so long. Edited September 18, 2014 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Ok, so if it hurt you then see it as just another lesson learned. It's not so bad that she wanted to see if you were alright, though. And it's VERY good she didn't flirt with you. I know people will tell me "Oh f off. She shouldn't be bothering MaryOak at all!" but hey, maybe she does genuinely want to make sure you're ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 maybe she does genuinely want to make sure you're ok. But not at the expense of hurting him. It's counter productive to check to see if he is okay when checking to see if he is okay only hurts him more. She lost that right when she let him go and she has to respect that the only way for him to at least have some emotional relief is to leave him alone. And he's expressed that to her. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Ok, so if it hurt you then see it as just another lesson learned. It's not so bad that she wanted to see if you were alright, though. And it's VERY good she didn't flirt with you. I know people will tell me "Oh f off. She shouldn't be bothering MaryOak at all!" but hey, maybe she does genuinely want to make sure you're ok. I'm sure she did genuinely care about the OP, but the fact remains that the Mary Oak is too emotionally invested to remain in any form of contact with her ex. Her ex is emotionally detached and is easily able to send an email to check in on her because it doesn't affect her like it does Mary Oak. So while it's nice of her ex to send the email, it's not helpful to Mary Oak, and it's up to her to enforce the boundaries. It's not really the ex's fault. She was just trying to be nice, and the ex has no idea how it affects Mary. I'm sure she would not contact her at all if she knew how difficult it has been for Mary to move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 I know it is not her fault and the blame lays on my Shoulders. So I gotta take the hurt. At least I have started conversation with her in 78 days. That is big for me. I just will have to move on from there. It seems to me that when anything bad/sad/overwhelming happens to me now, even if it is not about her, I break down. I mean I feel exhausted and it takes me a few days to recover. I am getting concerned about that. It's just odd. It doesn't have to be a huge deal even. Makes me just want to hide. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 (edited) I know it is not her fault and the blame lays on my Shoulders. So I gotta take the hurt. At least I have started conversation with her in 78 days. That is big for me. I just will have to move on from there. It seems to me that when anything bad/sad/overwhelming happens to me now, even if it is not about her, I break down. I mean I feel exhausted and it takes me a few days to recover. I am getting concerned about that. It's just odd. It doesn't have to be a huge deal even. Makes me just want to hide. Like I said MaryOak, IT'S OK! Goodness, I've foolishly responded to my ex plenty of times. Dumpees are the ones who have to do all the hard work though because the dumpers just don't realize that they should just leave us alone, because they feel guilty. So we're the ones who are tested NOT to respond...NOT to reach out...I know, it's unfair but that's how being BU with goes. The dumper gets off easy and we get stuck. /= Are you exercising, reading any self help books, going to counseling, spending more time with friends/family, putting in OT at work...? Have you improved your diet? (I hate that your ex works where you work-I can't imagine how hard that is for you) Are you practicing "mindfulness" ? Trying to master your thoughts?? This is the only way to find true peace in life. BIG HUGS TO YOU! p.s. I knew I'd get into "trouble" for my last post! lol Edited September 18, 2014 by me85 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 (edited) It seems to me that when anything bad/sad/overwhelming happens to me now, even if it is not about her, I break down. That's very normal. It is because you are emotionally fragile and wounded so everything is magnified. It's nothing out of the ordinary nor is it indicative of a setback or that you're stagnanting. I mean I feel exhausted and it takes me a few days to recover. I am getting concerned about that. It's just odd. It doesn't have to be a huge deal even. Makes me just want to hide. But it doesn't help, as I said before that what pains you is always there in the picture. As BC mentioned, it keeps picking at the wound. This is why it is exhausting because you cannot experience the process of grieving and healing and completely detaching. Edited September 18, 2014 by Zahara 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Thank you. It just makes me feel like such an idiot. At the beginning, it was awful because we had so many things to separate, house, cars, bills. Plus I just wanted answers and I must have asked the same thing a hundred different ways. She always answered though looking back I don't know how she had the patience. I really try my very best to avoid her at all costa during work and it works out most if the time. But yes, I am in therapy, on meds actually. Was running and working out five days a week but have hurt my hip and am in PT right now. I just started working out my arms again and yoga this week. Have gained weight and that sucks. I can maintain an image. I can be happy around friends, family, work colleagues. I can maintain my home. Able to do everything that a home needs. I don't go out often. I don't want to really. All my friends are paired up and that kinda sucks. Plus I live thirty miles away from anyone, and most of my friends make plans at the last minute and I can't go. I going to a party this weekend. Hope that will be fun. It is just like there is this gray cloud over my head even when I am laughing on the outside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 You done hurt your hip like some old person! hehe JK Well, HEY! You're doing all the right things! Be proud of yourself. We are! We have to fake it until we make it. I know how you feel, believe me. I reeeeaallly do. Try not to take this the wrong way, but do you want to get over your ex? Do you want to be happy without her? Obviously I know you do...I only ask because of the psychology behind it all. See, I started wondering after my BU if maybe I was scared to get over my ex and be happy without him for some effed up reason. Like I was almost choosing to keep myself in misery. I know now that I had thoughts like that because my ex killed my self esteem and I really think I may have deliberately stayed in my sad pathetic little puddle because I didn't think I deserved to be happy without him. Maybe I became addicted to the pain as well as the love ? Regardless, it's all a matter of finding yourself and understanding yourself better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mary Oak Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Yeah, your question is legitimate. I didn't want to get over her for a loooong time. Too long. Not exactly when the tables turned but yes, I do want to be over her. Completely. I am not even looking for a friendship in any future. I won't hate her, but I will not be friends with her at any cost. I know that would never be good for me. So, yeah, ready to move on. And I know I am supposed to be able to do it. I am not scared of hard work. I know what I need to do. It was hard enough to stop reaching out to her. So, maybe I will be able to ignore her next time. But, even if I do, I know it will still hurt. I know I look like a loser and don't take the advice of all these people full of wisdom. I shouldn't even post here cause it is everything in repeat mode. I know my relationship was no more special than anyone else's. And others move on. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Don't feel that way. That's not true at all. It's a good thing you vent here. No one is judging you and no way do any of us think you're a loser. If we did, we'd have to call ourselves losers too. I'm going to come back here with something. Give me a few moments. LS is running really slow, it seems. /= Link to post Share on other sites
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