8 years later... why?

[RespectfullyAlone]

Today I received two emails 2hrs apart from a girl I was once engaged to 8 years ago. I have not heard from her in anyway, since she suddenly left the relationship 8 years ago, got back with her ex, got pregnant and married all within 1 month of leaving me. For so long, I hated her. I had lost everything, friends, job, even having to leave the country due to my awkward visa status. I think the moment I got over her was when I fell in love with someone about a year later whom I felt at the time was a nicer person. Sadly that turned out to be a disaster as well.

 

Anyway, she sent the same email twice, but to two email accounts, saying hello and asking if either one of these accounts was still my current email address. I have not replied. What on earth would I say anyway. I don't love this girl, but I also don't hate her. Life turned out badly for her in the end, but she was warned not to run off and marry this playa. And sure enough she found out the hard way after having 3 kids with him, that he did indeed have a problem sleeping around.

 

I feel a ton of anger, and disgust towards my most current ex which is a few months short of 2 years now since she left me in the most cowardly way. But this girl from 8 years ago I honestly just feel sad for. I don't have any desire for revenge. Too much time has passed. Feelings fade, and you even forget how much pain one actually went through.

 

A year or so ago, one of my Mom's friends saw her whilst overseas, and during their conversation, my name came up. Turns out she admitted to her bad decisions and life, and in choosing this guy over me. But she was too ashamed to contact me because she knew how badly she had hurt me. I'm not sure what's changed this past year and a half, but I was happy knowing that, and also that she did not contact me. I really did not want to hear from her, and made no attempt, effort or any moves to contact her. She was so sure of the choices she was making at the time, and now she has to live with them.

 

Anyway, I haven't replied to her emails. I'm not sure I will. I'll be honest and say I'm certainly curious why she's contacting me, or what she might have to say. But I'm perplexed on this. I don't want to be rude, but I honestly have no desire for small talk, or catching up or anything really. If she wants to apologize fine, she can do that. But all I hope that would happen is that in some way it might help my self esteem and help me somehow loosen this grip of rage, of hate and utter despair I have felt for nearly 2 years since my most recent ex left me. As I commented to my family tonight, the wrong ex contacted me, or at least the one I had hoped would, my most recent one did not.

 

I honestly have no idea what to do here, and when in situations like this, usually choose the do nothing approach. But also want to ask advice on this as well. I'll repeat what I said earlier about not loving this girl anymore. I do not love her, I do not want her back, I have zero interest in picking up where we left off. It doesn't mean I don't in some way still care for her however. I'm not happy her life turned out this way, but it was her choices that led her to this point. I'm also not a doormat, or her plan B,C,D,E,F. Maybe I'd feel differently if she had no children, but after my most recent ex who had 3 kids as well from her first marriage, I have no desire to be in that situation ever again.

[JDPT]

It's so interesting how life unfolds. My ex also had kids from her previous marriage a total of 4, I am 9 years younger than her and to be honest I no longer want to put myself in that same predicament either. I've learned that I need to think things through and look at longevity which I certainly did have my doubts with this past relationship but the "great" moments always managed to sugar coat my unhappiness while with her. To be honest, after 8 years there isn't much to say. You have moved on with your life and so has she. I can understand that you may feel curious to know or perhaps think this may be an opportunity to have certain questions answered but to be honest it's best to leave things be. Continue moving forward with your life as you have been.

[stillafool]

I would say don't answer and leave her alone. She made her choice (the wrong one) and you don't owe her anything. Since you don't feel anything for her anymore just let her be. She's probably trying to pick up where she left off (with 3 kids).

[travelbug1996]

Yea she's miserable and wants to see if you've moved on. I wouldn't respond and if I did I would be so indifferent that she would know to leave me the hell alone.

 

Sorry you've had such horrible experiences. I'm in the same boat.

[Reels]

You don't have to reply her indeed, she played her role in your life, now she has nothing better to do with you.

[mammasita]

I would respond with something like

 

"That sucks, eh? Well....Take care"

 

and leave it at that.

 

That would drive her completely UP The wall I'm sure of it LOL

[Reels]

I would respond with something like

 

"That sucks, eh? Well....Take care"

 

and leave it at that.

 

That would drive her completely UP The wall I'm sure of it LOL

Sounds like a good idea.

[lop98]

It's been 8 years and you still sound angry and worked up on it... you have all the right reasons for that (especially after your last disappointment) but I would abstain from replying just for that. People can read even through a nice and short reply and I would personally be too proud to show that life hasn't been that good to me either in front of someone like her.

 

Maybe I'd reply in a month... just let her email sit there as I figure out my feelings towards it and calm down a bit.

[me85]

Ya, like someone else said...you're far too "emotional" (for lack of a better word) to respond maturely and rationally to her. Just don't respond if you harbor any ill feelings what so ever. You could end up venting to her about your current ex and you'd definitely regret telling her anything personal at all.

 

I'm the type of person that rarely ignores people. If it were me, I'd respond briefly by saying, "Yes, this is still my same old email." Wow. Big deal. If, like you said, you basically feel indifferent about this girl then what harm would it be? Just don't be each other's shoulders to cry on. No way.

[elseaacych]

If you honestly don't want to hear from her, why open the door to reconnect now?

 

Don't let the email sit for awhile. You will mull over it. Decide whether or not you want to respond to her, right now, carry out your decision, and let it go. If you must respond to her keep it short and to the point, and do not keep the door open for another email if you do not want it.

[LuckyLady13]

I don't agree with what most people are saying and I'll tell you why. You have hurt, resentment and anger (understandably) but I think ignoring her sure isn't going to help that situation. You're still going to feel this way. Because you're not confronting the situation. I think not confronting the person who dropped you and did what she managed to do is not healthy at all and is the very reason you feel the way you do. I think ignoring in a situation like this is very much like burying your head in the sand when confronted with a situation that doesn't feel comfortable or a situation you don't feel 100% prepared for.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd feel like opportunity just came banging at my door (or email inbox) and I'd fling that door open with a big grin on my face.

 

It was her bright idea to do what she did 8 years ago and now it was her bright idea to come back and go fishing to see what you're up to? So, whatever happens now happens. She threw this ball in your court. I really think you'd feel better if you do something with it and nearly anything at this point.

 

You said you don't love her and do not want to pick up where you left off so telling her that would be a better start than your usual do nothing approach because I think that approach has brought you to the point you're at right now.

 

And being that she's fishing? If you leave this open-ended by saying nothing, she can interpret that as you wanting to leave the door cracked. Because you're not outright telling her to jump in a lake, to me this shows a serious lack of communication skills on your part or...you want to leave that door cracked.

 

I've had people come around fishing years after doing something epically stupid and I grabbed the pole, snapped it in half, threw it back at them and told them "don't ever do that again!" and that was the end of it. Years have gone by since, no more fishing. Do I need to tell you how much better I felt going about it that way versus the ignore and see if they go away approach?

 

I really have to wonder if you want to leave that door cracked...

[Justaguy30]

Perhaps she is just looking for a friend, I recently connected with my ex of about 10 years and we have been talking and it actually feels kind of good. I don't have feelings for her anymore and she really hurt me cheating and lying blah blah but I don't think she ever did it to hurt me. Just forgive her and chat and see whats up. Perhaps she has something to tell you that will be meaningful to you.

[Magnet]

You're in the position where you are well and truly over her.

And she's reached out to you.

 

If you feel confident it wouldn't hurt you at all to talk to her, and you are curious, then no harm at all.

 

So be blunt. Ask her what she wants.

 

You'll never know otherwise. And if not, hold your silence and make your peace forever.

[Justaguy30]

I feel that it could be kind of rude not to respond since she is reaching out. Perhaps she really wants to be friends or something. Sometimes people realize they have made a mistake and deserve to be forgiven

[juicygirl]

I'd be curious to know what she wanted. But for your own sanity don't reply. She sounds awful and hasn't changed because it's been 8 years, her life is going **** and she's gonna try and use you for a quick pick me up.

 

If she were truly sorry she would have told you 8 years ago.

[AquanoxSerp]

People change when they make mistakes that said, it's not rude at all to not reply.

 

If you don't want to look back, focus on YOU not her.

 

If you only see ugliness out of this just drop it like a bad habit. You deserve better and I say you should probably look for a woman similar to the one on these forums who understands and has been through a GiG situation such as yourself. Someday I will look for that guy too but I'm still too torn up about it to move on.

 

With due time.

[JDPT]

I feel that it could be kind of rude not to respond since she is reaching out. Perhaps she really wants to be friends or something. Sometimes people realize they have made a mistake and deserve to be forgiven

 

 

 

I wonder how rude she was by disappearing from his life and running into the sunset. Sometimes is best to let things be.

[Justaguy30]

Out of curiosity what was she saying in the email she sent you?

[bubbaganoosh]

If you were smart, you would not reply to her. I got a feeling that she is the type of person that has to have someone in her life and your next up but this time it will be her and three little ones.

 

Leave well enough alone. There's no reason to dig up a old grave unless you want to be buried with the present occupant.

[Standard-Fare]

It'd be one thing if you had lingering feelings and doubts about this woman, like if you felt she was "the one that got away." But you seem to have closed the door on her forever.

 

So I don't see any point in replying to her. It would only give her the impression that you want to re-establish contact or even some kind of friendship, which you clearly don't.

 

It's just simpler to not reply. She won't even know if she had the right email address or not. If she's really serious about reaching you, she'll find other ways to contact you, and then you'll have another opportunity to ponder this decision.

Edited September 16, 2014 by Standard-Fare

[RespectfullyAlone]

Seems a lot is happening that is revealing itself here. I'm at work at the moment but will post more when I get home this evening.

 

In case anyone was wondering, I did not reply to her. But when I told my family about this email, my brother mentioned one of his friends overseas had asked for my email out of the blue the other day. I also got another email from a friend who knows this ex of mine, checking my email was current. And then today another email from yet another friend, which quite clearly spilled the beans on this situation and gave me the "why".

 

My ex of 8 years sent me another email today as well, essentially apologizing for her decisions all those years ago. I can't shake this feeling, that certain types of people can only ever truly apologize when their world completely crashes down. Had she sent this when her life was happy and going good, I think it would have carried more weight. Because there would be no other motive than simply apologizing. But now that she's facing the reality that she really did make bad choices and will have to live with them forever, it doesn't give me any comfort to see her suffering in this way. Once upon a time I loved this person. After she left, I spent a long time still loving her, then eventually hating her. After a year, all feelings left. I didn't love her, and I did not hate her. Now I simply feel sadness for her. Ultimately she is ruing what she sowed, and I have little doubt she never would have contacted me if her life was still a happy one. I don't think that means her apology isn't genuine. But it's connected to how she's feeling, which sounds like it's rock bottom at the moment.

 

I think this applies to all my exes who left so suddenly. They only remember you, or even feel a twinge of regret or sorrow when their fairytale turns out to be a sack of coal. Thus even when they have said they were sorry at the breakup, it's never genuine. And I've felt this each and every time. The words might be the right ones, but the intent isn't there. Their behaviour is all wrong and it becomes apparent very quickly it's nothing more than a guilt removal exercise, because they know they f**ked you over.

 

And this email this girl sent to me today is proof of that, where she admitted her "apology" all those years ago was lightweight and not heartfelt or really genuine.

 

Anyway, back to the "why". I guess I made a lasting impression all those years ago, or most probably and most likely it's simply the fact she's single and left with 3 kids and a life ahead knowing she made the wrong choices. But this isn't just an apology, it's the first step in sussing out if I still feeling anything towards her now.

 

This other friend who emailed me today, brought my ex up, even asked if I would ever consider getting back with this girl... or marry her and let bygones by bygones.

 

Now I'm the first to admit I'm a gullible person. I'm also extremely trusting or I used to be be. But now I trust no one. After so many times being taken advantage of, misled, lied to and cheated on, I simply do not trust anyone. It's not my place to be the white knight to come in and rescue this girl, just because this friend of mine said she's suffering in life at the moment, but also because she's learned her lesson and changed for the better. Where was she, when I lost everything? when I had to leave everything literally behind and leave the country? Oh that's right, in the arms of this other guy, pumping out kids.

 

That's what this other friend said today. Even asking if I would ever consider getting back with her, or even to marry her. Once upon a time in the past yes, I was engaged, I wanted to marry her. Now however I have no interest. And I had to go to the bathrooms and actually have a cry today at work because I felt so utterly worthless. Is that what these friends of mine think of me? Nothing more than someones Plan B/C/D? Someone who has nothing going on in their life and just waiting around? I've had lots of people try to fix me up with girls who are single moms over the years. I've only ever once dipped my toe into that domain after meeting someone myself and I'm still paying the price for it now nearly 2 years after that ended.

 

I don't wish for much. Just to meet someone nice, have the timing be right, where they aren't involved with anyone else, gone through marriages and kids etc. A life of my own, to be someones first choice, their plan A, not just an option or the backup plan.

 

Ultimately right now I just feel sad. For one, I still love my current ex. I still wish she'd contact me. Not everyday like I once used to, but nearly everyday. I still think of her constantly. But she broke me completely. And there is only so many times you can bend something before it breaks for good. The pain I have felt and still feel from losing my current ex, of how she left me in that cowardly way, of how quickly she moved on and the feelings of embarrassment, humiliation and so on, also brought back like a flood the pain of my other failed relationships. I saw my most recent ex as the combined symbol of all my pain and past relationships in one. And whilst I still love her, I hate her unlike anyone I have ever hated. Because she knew of my past, and yet hurt me the most.

 

My family don't fully understand just how dark my thoughts have been. Being an eternal optimist, a person who ALWAYS had hope of a good outcome, that patience would always pay off, and that good people would and could endure, I've seen first hand bad people living wonderful and happy lives. I miss feeling hope, but it has not returned in my life. My optimism and feeling positive have also not returned. It's a horrible feeling to realize all hope in your life has evaporated. That you care about nothing.

 

Anyway, that is how I feel at the moment. I've lost weight, and done so many activities to try to keep myself busy, to try and feel something, anything in my life, and it has not helped. I'm so lonely, I'm quite often sad, and all I have to show for my life are my heartbreaks. I'm tired. I've had enough, and having an ex from 8 years ago contact you to say they made the wrong choices, does not fill me with any satisfaction at all. It just makes me feel what a waste.

[mightycpa]

I don't know if this is right or wrong for you, but try it on for size.

 

Matilda,

 

When we last spoke, you told me you didn't want me around, and so I disappeared, and I let you go in peace. I didn't hate you or even dislike you. Quite the opposite. But you didn't have to tell me twice.

 

The way I see it, you owe me the same courtesy. Now it is me who doesn't want you around. So please, just go away, like I did. Disappear. No hard feelings. I hope you have a nice life.

 

Yours Truly,

 

Respectfully Alone

[Standard-Fare]

RespectfullyAlone, I understand the way you feel after hearing all this info about your ex. Based on your feelings, my advice remains for you to just stay firm and not reply.

 

However, I do think you're making a lot of assumptions about your ex's motives and feelings. Unless she's a straight-up dummy, she can't be delusional enough to think she could just pick up right where she left off with her fiancee from eight years ago.

 

As you've said, the dissolution of her marriage is probably forcing her to reflect a lot on her past, which you're a big feature of. But that doesn't necessarily mean she's looking to you as the solace and solution to her current "misery."

 

Like you, she's a totally different person than she was eight years ago. You know very little about her life or her emotional landscape. Don't jump to conclusions. They may not be justified or fair.

[No Limit]

I find it outrageous that others irl are trying to persuade/manipulate you into being her caretaker again. If I were you I'd block them all, no matter who they are.

 

That woman walked headlessly through life, is now left in ruins and is checking if her ship has any lifeboats. If her so called friends really cared about her, they would have tried to give her a glimpse of reality long ago.

 

Don't fall for this nonsense. She just needs someone to feed her and her brood. You deserve more than the "honor" of taking care of ungrateful dimwits.

[Justaguy30]

I find it interested that after 8 years the only person she had to reach out to was you. As if you would be her night in shining armor. She made some poor decisions. I am a total sucker, if my ex came back to me and said sorry I would probably take her back in this situation. I don't like being alone though. What I have found is everyone is a cheat and a liar so you just have to find one you can put up with.