After first love is it ever as good again?

[Christophe]

I have posted my story in more detail in the Long Distance Relationships section under 'LDR Break Up'.

 

Now it is almost 3 months since my girlfriend broke up with me. I am feeling the loss more and more recently and I just feel like there is a huge void in my life now. I have also posted elsewhere about struggling to deal with the lack of intimacy in my life and how that is seriously affecting me.

 

I feel like Andrea (my ex-girlfriend) was what I have been searching for my whole life and the one thing I have ever been truly certain of. Now she is gone I don't know how to deal with it. I have never really known exactly what job/career I am aiming for but i think growing up ultimately I knew I wanted to meet someone special. And one day Andrea came into my life and I had finally met the woman of my dreams. I had found happiness. I know I am still relatively young at 23 but now it seems like she was exactly what I wanted and with her in my life and me in hers we could move forward and life would be an exciting journey.

 

Now without her I feel this hope and positivity has been extinguished. I am doing my best to look for work and look for a way forward and some kind of career I could get into but I keep coming up against a brick wall. I felt like anything was possible with Andrea by my side and now I feel like there is little hope for a brighter future.

 

I have deleted her from Facebook but I still miss her a lot and the loss and lack of intimacy is almost unbearable at times. People tell me there is hope and things will improve but I am struggling to see it right now. I feel so worthless and pointless. I am relatively good-looking and I know I can be a great person (when I was with Andrea she brought out the best in me) but now my confidence is very low. Some days I take comfort from hearing other peoples' stories about finding someone better after breaking up with their ex but then others like most days recently I just don't think that will apply to me and that Andrea was my chance of happiness and is now gone.

 

I am sorry if some of this sounds overdramatic but I am just trying to be honest about how I am feeling. I just feel pretty lost.

Edited September 3, 2014 by Christophe

[Nathaniel Hawk]

Christophe, I read your post 'LDR Break Up' and it seems like we almost had the relationship experience. People gave you pretty good advice there, they are quite amazing in this forum.

 

I'm around the 6 month mark after she cut contact with me and went back to her boring and abusive ex. It gets better. Each time she crosses your mind think that she is his problem now. Take her off her pedestal. And then switch to a more important thing. She dumped you, ignored you and acted cold with you for then going back to her ex. Is that what love means for you? Think about it. She didn't give a **** about you. You deserve much much better. You just don't realize yet. Because that, now is the time to do it. To enjoy live, to discover what you want to with your career, to have the freedom to do whatever you want, and to keep being kind with others. If you were in a relationship all these would be much harder as we kind of lose our identity while we are committed. Don't rush the recovery from the break up, and sail with it. You are young and good loking, so please, take advantage of that. I know your self-esteem hit rock bottom but it will rise up again.

 

I hope you still have her blocked in all ways possible so you don't see their happy pictures. Anyway, don't believe anything because social media is quite fake and desperate. And by her being blocked, you don't give her any chance to contact you when their relationship fails again. Because it will and she probably will use another poor guy for her selfish needs.

 

By that time, I bet you will be in a much better place and that you reached indifference towards her.

 

All the best to you and take care.

[Christophe]

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my story and respond. It's amazing what must go through a girl's mind to make her go back to someone who treats them poorly rather than take a chance on someone who truly cares for them isn't it?

 

I am glad to hear that it does get better with time. I hope that like you in another 3 months I will be indifferent towards her and who knows maybe I will have found an even better girl.

 

I know she is not the same girl now as the girl I fell in love with yet it is still hard to completely accept that as I guess part of me still wants to believe that sweet girl still exists. She is not still on the pedestal but there are times when I miss her intensely.

[Marco Valerio]

Hi Cristophe !!! I totally agree with Nathaniel, you deserve much more than what she gave you. You deserve real love from a woman, a woman that would always be there for you, loving you, taking care of you. Erase her of your life. Cheer up friend !!! =)

[Nathaniel Hawk]

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my story and respond. It's amazing what must go through a girl's mind to make her go back to someone who treats them poorly rather than take a chance on someone who truly cares for them isn't it?

 

I am glad to hear that it does get better with time. I hope that like you in another 3 months I will be indifferent towards her and who knows maybe I will have found an even better girl.

 

I know she is not the same girl now as the girl I fell in love with yet it is still hard to completely accept that as I guess part of me still wants to believe that sweet girl still exists. She is not still on the pedestal but there are times when I miss her intensely.

 

You are welcome!

 

I guess what goes through their minds is that they can change and everything will be better, that they can start again and all that bs. Who cares? It's her loss, not yours. And what we know is that they didn't give us a second thought when they were sleeping with their boyfriends. I'm sorry to be blunt but it's better to think that way to make it easier to move on.

 

Yes, I'm sure you will be better in time. But it's up to you. If you keep dwelling, or checking things related to her you will prolong it for sure.

 

That sweet girl is gone and now is just someone who lost a great guy on her way.

 

PS: Doesn't get you excited to be free and with no ties at all? To rediscover yourself? To know that one day, who knows when, where, someone will appear and will make you feel all those things you felt but also will reciprocate them?

Edited September 3, 2014 by Nathaniel Hawk

[Christophe]

It is strange how my time with Andrea just feels like a distant dream now. Like a perfect dream I never imagined was possible before I met her.

 

I know I have to take this experience and believe it can happen again. I think the difficult thing for me is to not go searching for the next girl and let it happen when it is supposed to. I think that is the most difficult thing for me to come to terms with because now I am so aware of the feelings of being in love and how much I want those feelings again. I guess I'll know when I know.

 

Despite the negative thoughts that come into my head I know I have to keep reminding myself I am a great guy and SHE got lucky when she found me. It helps that I know I have a lot of friends rooting for me. I have to do my best to be the same good person I have always been and one day I will attract another girl who is as crazy about me as Andrea used to be. I think the hardest task is completely convincing myself of this.

[Christophe]

I am starting to fill my life with things again now. I have just got a new job starting Monday (not my ideal job but hopefully will be better than expected), I am drawing up a 4 times a week gym routine, I am going to a salsa class once a week and will start playing football again once a week. In addition to this I am going to start learning Spanish again on my own. If the desire and motivation comes back I will continue this but if not I will leave it. I enjoyed learning before I met Andrea so I want to find that enjoyment again.

 

In terms of missing Andrea I am hoping I will be able to start viewing her as I have viewed other girls from my past. The difference is these other girls were only crushes and I was never actually in a relationship with them like I was with Andrea yet I hope I can think of Andrea in the same way as these other girls.

 

I met a girl called Rachel on a night out in 2010. She was with her boyfriend at the time and I only spoke to her a little that night but became obsessed with her. I thought she was so beautiful and perfect yet I hardly knew her! I did not get over her for just over a year, i really did think about her all the time and how badly I wanted her. It seems crazy now that I could think like this about someone who was unavailable and I met once! The funny thing is after a year or so I stopped obsessing about her and realized I was no longer attracted to her like I was. Now I never think about her.

 

I had similar experiences with 3 or 4 other girls between Rachel in 2010 and meeting Andrea at the start of 2014 and with each one I guess I was obsessed with what could have been. Nothing ever happened with any of them even though at the time I thought they were all perfect for me. The lesson I learned is that other girls always come along. Even when I think I won't find anyone better I do. I know now I have to try and think of Andrea like this.

 

As I said I feel it will be more difficult to take this view as she was my first physical relationship and not a fantasy like the other girls. However, I believe if I can get to this state of mind that better women are waiting around the corner I think this could really help me. What do you guys think?

[Christophe]

My story is posted in LDR Breakup in the Long Distance Relationships section but I was just wondering if future relationships can ever be as exciting and passionate and exhilarating as your first?

 

I am a latecomer to relationships I guess and my ex-girlfriend was my first girlfriend I am (23 now and was 22 when I met her). We were long distance but the 5 times we met in the 5 months we were together were really special. We were so in love and and the time we were physically together was like a perfect dream. We had so much love and desire for each other I cannot imagine feeling this strongly again for anyone else. And now it has happened I have the comparison.

 

I am comforted by people who have said it gets better each time but I feel that it will be hard to recapture those same intense, beautiful feelings of being crazy about someone who is just as crazy about me. I wondered if falling in love ever feels as good as the first time?

 

And also how do I not compare future girls to my ex when I now have her as a comparison in my head? Thanks in advance guys.

 

Chris

[d0nnivain]

My "last love" the man I married is the best love of all. First love is sweet. The one in between caused me to learn & grow but all of them prepared me for my husband.

[Justaguy30]

Yes. It might actually be better. You will likely love many people throughout your life. Your first love helps you define how you love someone though so if it was a bad relationship maybe see a therapist and learn more about you and how you can do better next time. My first love was when I was 16 and it lasted until I was 20 and it was a messed up relationship and that relationship still effects me and the way I look at love.

[Christophe]

I am really struggling today. I miss her a lot and I feel so tired and lacking in motivation for anything today. Just when I thought I was turning a corner I am having more thoughts about her and dreaming about her again. Everything seems like such an effort at the moment. I am making an effort to improve myself but I don't feel I am achieving it right now when I want is to be back with Andrea.

[d0nnivain]

You will have good days & bad days. Sadly today is a bad day but you will get through it. Hang in there.

 

Do something you enjoy to take your mind off it.

[Christophe]

Thank you Donnivain I am going to listen to some music and play some guitar and try and take my mind off her. I am just worried the strong feelings of loss are coming back strong like the early stages again.

[Christophe]

It's like I just keep thinking lately 'I miss my girl' and she is not even my girl anymore. It's just a very hollow feeling.

[carhill]

IME, having had a number of LTR's and being married, each love has been different. Overall, though, I found, with more life experience, and being able to directly compare an early love with a later one in life, the later one was more 'mature' and 'full-bodied' in comparison. It is the one, even though ended, which has provided the bulk of positive relationship memories in life. Regardless of what occurred in the milieu, the older love is the one I have zero regrets for having participated.

 

Time will provide you with your own answers and experience. Good luck!

[Christophe]

Thanks for the responses again. I have hit a real low point today and everything feels very dark and depressing. I just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow now and it's only 5.30pm. I am hoping to have some counselling soon but the waiting lists are so long I am not sure when I will be able to do this. To be honest I have not felt this lost and lonely for a few weeks.

 

I have this feeling of pent up panic and despair and no way of letting it out. I feel like I need a miracle to heal from this. My desire to contact her is so high right now. People think I am doing well now and I just want them to know that I am not. I feel really stuck.

[Bella2]

Some days I take comfort from hearing other peoples' stories about finding someone better after breaking up with their ex but then others like most days recently I just don't think that will apply to me and that Andrea was my chance of happiness and is now gone.

 

I'm older than you are. I've survived more than 1 break up. And I've had more than "1 big love" in my life. Even if you can not see things straight for the moment, I promise you that you WILL find someone else! You're only 23, you have a whole future out there. Believe it!

[Bella2]

I have hit a real low point today and everything feels very dark and depressing. I just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow now and it's only 5.30pm.

I have this feeling of pent up panic and despair and no way of letting it out. I feel like I need a miracle to heal from this. My desire to contact her is so high right now. People think I am doing well now and I just want them to know that I am not. I feel really stuck.

 

What I started doing, and it does help: meditation. Look up "mindfullness" on google....

[Christophe]

Thank you Bella I appreciate your advice. How did you not compare future partners with your ex? I just cannot imagine being so in sync with someone like I was with my ex. I felt so confident and calm with her. A feeling I have never experienced before. I worry that I will not be able to replicate that feeling with someone new in the future after how effortless it was with my ex.

[Bella2]

Thank you Bella I appreciate your advice. How did you not compare future partners with your ex? I just cannot imagine being so in sync with someone like I was with my ex. I felt so confident and calm with her. A feeling I have never experienced before. I worry that I will not be able to replicate that feeling with someone new in the future after how effortless it was with my ex.

 

It's logical that you are thinking like that now. You're not over her yet. One day you will be over her and you can start focusing on other people (even if now you think that that will never happen: it will). And you will meet someone and appreciate that person for who she is.

 

I guess we always compare a bit. That's only human. Your next girlfriend will not be (like) your ex, but she will be wonderful in her own way.

[Christophe]

Thank you. I am trying to trust people with experience. I feel very dark today. Hopefully the clouds will pass soon. I am trying to keep moving forward. Days like this it is not easy. I just have to grind through and pray there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Christophe]

I guess part of me is afraid that the next girl won't be like my ex as a few people have told me she won't be.

 

When I met my ex she was everything I always wanted in a girl - beautiful, sweet, shy, caring. I adored her. I want to feel that way for someone else again. I guess that is why I am a little worried that no future girl will make me feel the way my ex did (especially if she is different and not similar to my ex).

[singsparkles]

I have posted my story in more detail in the Long Distance Relationships section under 'LDR Break Up'.

 

Now it is almost 3 months since my girlfriend broke up with me. I am feeling the loss more and more recently and I just feel like there is a huge void in my life now. I have also posted elsewhere about struggling to deal with the lack of intimacy in my life and how that is seriously affecting me.

 

I feel like Andrea (my ex-girlfriend) was what I have been searching for my whole life and the one thing I have ever been truly certain of. Now she is gone I don't know how to deal with it. I have never really known exactly what job/career I am aiming for but i think growing up ultimately I knew I wanted to meet someone special. And one day Andrea came into my life and I had finally met the woman of my dreams. I had found happiness. I know I am still relatively young at 23 but now it seems like she was exactly what I wanted and with her in my life and me in hers we could move forward and life would be an exciting journey.

 

Now without her I feel this hope and positivity has been extinguished. I am doing my best to look for work and look for a way forward and some kind of career I could get into but I keep coming up against a brick wall. I felt like anything was possible with Andrea by my side and now I feel like there is little hope for a brighter future.

 

I have deleted her from Facebook but I still miss her a lot and the loss and lack of intimacy is almost unbearable at times. People tell me there is hope and things will improve but I am struggling to see it right now. I feel so worthless and pointless. I am relatively good-looking and I know I can be a great person (when I was with Andrea she brought out the best in me) but now my confidence is very low. Some days I take comfort from hearing other peoples' stories about finding someone better after breaking up with their ex but then others like most days recently I just don't think that will apply to me and that Andrea was my chance of happiness and is now gone.

 

I am sorry if some of this sounds overdramatic but I am just trying to be honest about how I am feeling. I just feel pretty lost.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My answer to your question is, NO love is EVER the same. There can never be the same love twice. I can guarantee you that you will love again. It may not be the same as the first one... but it may even be better, and deeper. You need to give yourself the freedom and let the past go so you're able to find love again... great love, true love, even if it may be different. We all go through so many different types of loves in our life before we find the right one! Hang in there. It will be okay. You will find another great love someday... you just need to open your heart to it! <3

[Christophe]

Thank you.

 

I am really trying to hang in there but I am struggling big time tonight. She is dominating my thoughts again and all I want is to be with her. I feel sick thinking of the good times we had and everything she said to me. And thinking of her now back with her ex. I want to talk to her so bad.

 

I hate that this is happening because a week ago I felt so good and optimistic. Now I feel pointless, worthless and hopeless again without her.

 

It's like we live in a cruel, hard world and you think you have found something soft and beautiful among it all somehow and then that same thing turns out to be just as hard and cruel as everything else. That is what makes me feel so hopeless. I feel like I am on the verge of doing something stupid. She is such a heavy weight on my mind and I cannot escape her despite all that I have been doing to try and occupy myself and restore my confidence.

 

I really hope I can get some counselling soon because I feel like I am completely losing myself. The more it happens the more angry I get that I am not where I was 6 months ago and how she has completely ****ed up my head. All I can think of is that I want to be with her again. This is a struggle not many people see. Lots of people think I am doing well now but I am not okay. I am praying to God so much because I need his help right now more than ever.

[singsparkles]

Thank you.

 

I am really trying to hang in there but I am struggling big time tonight. She is dominating my thoughts again and all I want is to be with her. I feel sick thinking of the good times we had and everything she said to me. And thinking of her now back with her ex. I want to talk to her so bad.

 

I hate that this is happening because a week ago I felt so good and optimistic. Now I feel pointless, worthless and hopeless again without her.

 

It's like we live in a cruel, hard world and you think you have found something soft and beautiful among it all somehow and then that same thing turns out to be just as hard and cruel as everything else. That is what makes me feel so hopeless. I feel like I am on the verge of doing something stupid. She is such a heavy weight on my mind and I cannot escape her despite all that I have been doing to try and occupy myself and restore my confidence.

 

I really hope I can get some counselling soon because I feel like I am completely losing myself. The more it happens the more angry I get that I am not where I was 6 months ago and how she has completely ****ed up my head. All I can think of is that I want to be with her again. This is a struggle not many people see. Lots of people think I am doing well now but I am not okay. I am praying to God so much because I need his help right now more than ever.

 

 

 

 

 

Hunny, dont let her make you do anything stupid!!! She is not worth it. Trust me! And you're not alone... All summer I was laying in bed. I couldn't get up. I couldn't eat, sleep or think. I lost some of my friends bc I isolated myself after the break up. Every time my phone rang I wished it was him, and it never was,

 

But what I realize, and you need to realize too, is that these people are bad people. They play with your emotions without a care. Would you really want to marry a woman like that or be with a woman like that for the long haul?

 

As badly as it sounds, sometimes we misake love for lust. And idk your whole situation, but I definitely had love mistaken for lust with my ex. I was obsessed psycho. Thank God he lives a state away, bc I would have probably stalked him.

 

 

Any time you feel the urge to talk to her or you're feeling weak, come on here and talk to me and I will talk you through it! I don't want you messaging her, she isn't worth one of your fingers moving to send a text or dial her number!!!

 

Trust me...karma has it's way of coming back to haunt people like that. It may take years, but it will come, and usually it comes when you're completely over them and happy & they want you back & you want nothing to do with them!

 

And I know it's hard...I'm the same way...I'm such an optimist and I always think of the good memories and they replay over and over in my head. But my brother gave me great advice. You need to stop focusing on the good memories and focus on the bad ones; all the bad, selfish things she has done to you. Hold on to all those things and become angry and turned off with how horrible of a person she is!

 

 

You deserve way better, and you need to realize and believe this!

 

 

I hope you're able to go to counseling. Counseling helped me wonders after my break up! It still is happening. They put me on mood stabilizer meds so I'm not up and down with my mood and I don't do anything impulsive when I feel sad/depressed.

 

Trust me , you will get through this!!! ...Just give it time. Time is truly the one thing that heals!!

 

 

In the meantime, focus on YOU. YOU deserve it! Love yourself and do things that make you happy and try to remain busy so you dont have much time to think.

 

I'm sorry you're going through what you're going thru Keep your head up and trust me, everything will fall into place once you let go of her and keep living your life! You will find something so much better and more worthy!