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Do you ever fully get over the lying, cheating and abuse?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Old 12th September 2014, 1:01 PM   #1
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Do you ever fully get over the lying, cheating and abuse?

Split up with my ex 18 months ago after 12 years together and 1 son. She cheated, I found out, she showed no remorse and we broke up.

I took it really bad, mainly because I miss being with my son but also this person I cared about showed the ultimate lack of respect towards me. I found out she was cheating by the messages on her phone. Some of the texts were of a personal nature and were pretty nasty directed towards me by her and then OM. They were cruel and awful. Pure poison.

I guess this help to fuel the anger I had towards her which has recently subsided. I feel I am moving on, but I'm still having flashbacks of seeing these messages on her phone and the contents are still having an impact on me. Also I still have images in my head of my ex cheating on me and enjoying verbally abusing me with him and other strangers.

Do you really get over the pain of being treated so appallingly or do you just learn to live with it?? I just can't help but take it so personally.
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Old 12th September 2014, 1:51 PM   #2
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I'm not in exactly the same situation as you, but there are similarities.

My ex who I was with for 9 years lied about the new man she lined up until it was blatant what she was doing. She started flaunting it in my face by that point and treated me apaulingly at the end.

I'm at about 11 months post split now and my rage levels of anger have subsided a lot, but I'm very resentful.

I think how you are feeling now is perfectly acceptable and normal. She sounds horrible, cold and selfish. 12 years and a child is not something you can just forget about easily. You will like me probably still have moments of utter disbelief that the person you loved so much and for so long was capable of deliberately hurting you.

I think this level of betrayal takes a big emotional toll on us. I don't know if it is possible to fully get over what they did, I mean how could they do what they did, right? But you come to terms with it and accept that they just weren't who you thought. You're better off with them gone, eventually when the tables turn and you really feel like your life is 100% better in everyway you won't mull it over so much, if ever again by the time you love someone new.

That's my take on it. After living a habit for so long and they just crap all over you, it takes a lot to pick up the pieces of your inner self again. Going of what you've said about feeling like you are moving on, I'd say maybe another 6 months and you most likely will feel more much at peace with yourself. We have to forgive ourselves in this scenario before we can them I think.

I'm still improving my life and it is a lot better. Iam moving on too, but I think I still have some months to go before I feel truly at peace with it all. It's just normal after such an invested amount of time in a relationship in which you devoted your heart and your life to.
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Old 12th September 2014, 9:37 PM   #3
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That's really up to you and your mindset, I had a girlfriend who would cheat and have a merry night of joy whilst insulting me with the other man, I wouldn't take it personally, after all, she's a cheater right?, who cares what a dishonest person such as this thinks?, the images flashing in your mind are a little harder to get shut of, either, their tied to your feelings for this woman, or the experience is forming an unwanted insecurity within you, I experienced both in that relationship, it took working on myself and putting my self value into perspective again to truly get over it, don't let your ex have the power over you to reflect how you view and feel about yourself, that so and so doesn't even matter, I moved on, and for 6 years I was in a relationship where the thoughts never even came to light because the person I was with showed me nothing but love, kindness and respect, sure it sort of ended in a similar fashion, but like back then, I'll naturally feel insecure in this way from it, and that's okay, so long as you know, you weren't the one who was dishonest or cheating, you deserved honesty and respect, in your scenario, she was the problem, not you, give yourself a high five and move on.
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Old 12th September 2014, 9:45 PM   #4
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I feel your pain, my ex cheated on me with tons of different men. It was awful! She did it in our house while I was sleeping. I still have flashbacks sometimes of the things she did but after time they will become less painful and you won't really care anymore. I saw much worse things than messages and heard things that messed me up!!! Be glad you didn't catch her or something. I can imagine what I would have done if I had caught her having sex in our house in the middle of the night and I would likely be in jail. It could have been worse man.
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Old 12th September 2014, 9:52 PM   #5
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Yes it does go away. I haven't spoken to my cheating ex wife in over 7yrs(we also have a child whom I have custody of). They see each other and what not but, I stopped with the dreams, occasional thoughts ect..after around the two year mark. We were married for 7, together for 9yrs. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING fades away in time! Even stone.
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