She's moving cross country

[MrWorkinProgress]

We met three years ago when she lived on one coast and I on the other, but she was looking to move to my city and already in the process of looking for a job. We dated long distance for a year, and then we moved her here. Keeping it as short as I can, fast forward two years, and we've had plenty of problems but we're still together. But she's decided she wants to move back, and wants us to live there, raise our children there, etc. For a while I tried to entertain ways to do that - ludicrously, but I loved her - but I have a successful business I can't run from the other coast, and this is who I am and was the day she met me. Eventually I came to the realization that I just couldn't make that move, and told her. She left the room, and then broke up with me over text. That was just over a month ago, and we have loose ends we have to tie up around the house so there has just been some limited contact around that.

 

The lease is going to expire soon, and she is going to move away on the same day. While my recovery had been progressing, I'm suddenly back to square one, I guess because this is now real, and the finality of it has hit me. I'm still grieving the relationship, and I'm sad that she's leaving. The moving process is the exact same one we did two years ago, but now it's the end of our life together, not the beginning. I'll see her that day when we do the walk through with the landlord, and I guess we'll say goodbye.

 

This is going to be a tough month, ending with a very tough day.

[Justaguy30]

Have you guys had a conversation about why she is so set on going back to which ever coast she is from? It sounds like maybe you are better off without her if she is willing to walk away from you like that because you don't want to go back to where she is from and give up everything you have. You are doing the right thing. Never give up everything you have for someone, never. I did and it ruined my life for a good period of time.

[MrWorkinProgress]

Oh yes there was lots of discussion and her reasons were noble enough: she wanted to be closer to her family. And that's okay, but it also means I'm not the right person for her. No question it was the right move for me to be true to myself, but it's still a loss and I'm still grieving.

[Standard-Fare]

The text breakup is cold and callous, but I think I can understand where your ex is coming from with the move. She gave things a real shot with you. She uprooted her life to live with you, presumably made some compromises, and after two years of trying she's decided she belongs on the other side of the country. I imagine she has some good reasons for that.

 

But she didn't just ditch you – she wanted you to come with her and start a family with her. That's a big deal. In her mind, it's now YOUR turn to compromise and to prove how serious the relationship is. But you can't/won't. And she's probably very hurt and pissed off about this.

 

Honestly.... if you think she is the love of your life, and you think you want to start a family with her... you should try harder to fight for this and figure this out. If you really can't envision a compromise solution, though, you're going to have to let her go and continue with the grieving process.

[MrWorkinProgress]

Well, StandardFare, that isn't entirely accurate. As I said, she was already intending to move here when we met - that's part of why she was in town. So the relationship was based on her moving here, rather than her moving here as a sacrifice for the relationship. I'm not arguing with you - it's just an important clarification.

 

And no, she isn't the love of my life. Her reaction alone tells me that, so you are correct that I have to let her go and grieve.

 

I'm not nearly so concerned with who's right and who's wrong: I did plenty of things wrong in that relationship and I assure you she did too. I'm just grieving the loss and in so much pain as a result, and I'm trying to find a way through that.

[BridgetGrey]

I feel your pain as my ex moved to saddle half across the world as I am. It's once again painful as I grasp with him being gone 100% moved on to another country to start a new life and maybe soon to another relationship.

However, it was long distance and I know I wouldn't have moved my life for him and he wouldn't do it for me and he did not want marriage that was the main break deal ...

 

Sigh sometime the circumstances are stronger then your love.

[MrWorkinProgress]

Yes, at the end of the day we ran into circumstances. We had lots of other problems that might have doomed us eventually, but this just couldn't be worked around.

 

The really crappy thing here is I don't just have to deal with the breakup, but I have to deal with her leaving, and meanwhile have to be somewhat involved with the move on a practical level. It's like a heartbreak on top of heartbreak.

[BridgetGrey]

Yes, at the end of the day we ran into circumstances. We had lots of other problems that might have doomed us eventually, but this just couldn't be worked around.

 

The really crappy thing here is I don't just have to deal with the breakup, but I have to deal with her leaving, and meanwhile have to be somewhat involved with the move on a practical level. It's like a heartbreak on top of heartbreak.

 

Once I feel your pain but Love isn't enough. I mean in my case if one did the comprise we wouldn't be happy together that is sad a realization, but we were just too different experience wise and we couldn't carry around a relationship on the expense of our ourselves.

I know your heartbreak , but just try to get a perspective like the downs of the relationship and from there you may accept and feel less pain.

[Standard-Fare]

Well, StandardFare, that isn't entirely accurate. As I said, she was already intending to move here when we met - that's part of why she was in town. So the relationship was based on her moving here, rather than her moving here as a sacrifice for the relationship. I'm not arguing with you - it's just an important clarification.

 

Yes, that is an important clarification. I guess I misread at first. But I'm wondering how much this relationship influenced her decision to go ahead with that move. Would she have made the leap without that factor?

 

I also wonder if she was so hurt/angry about your decision not to move with her that the text breakup ultimately was justified (in her eyes).

 

That's probably all irrelevant now, though. It sounds like you have accepted the reality of her leaving and are working on your healing. Best of luck with this process.

[MrWorkinProgress]

Yes, that is an important clarification. I guess I misread at first. But I'm wondering how much this relationship influenced her decision to go ahead with that move. Would she have made the leap without that factor?

 

I also wonder if she was so hurt/angry about your decision not to move with her that the text breakup ultimately was justified (in her eyes).

 

That's probably all irrelevant now, though. It sounds like you have accepted the reality of her leaving and are working on your healing. Best of luck with this process.

 

No way to know the answer to either of those, and I've spent plenty of time worrying about all sorts of things like that as part of the bargaining stage of grief. While I appreciate your comments, I came here - like most people, I think - looking to commiserate and find ways to cope with my grief, and I'm not sure how continuing to drive home a case that it was all my fault does that. As you concede, that's irrelevant.

Edited September 8, 2014 by MrWorkinProgress

[MrWorkinProgress]

Once I feel your pain but Love isn't enough. I mean in my case if one did the comprise we wouldn't be happy together that is sad a realization, but we were just too different experience wise and we couldn't carry around a relationship on the expense of our ourselves.

I know your heartbreak , but just try to get a perspective like the downs of the relationship and from there you may accept and feel less pain.

 

One of the best relationship articles I ever read was called "Love is not all you need." Unfortunately it takes a lot more to make a relationship work.

[BridgetGrey]

One of the best relationship articles I ever read was called "Love is not all you need." Unfortunately it takes a lot more to make a relationship work.

True. It takes commitment, comprise and not walking away. I think in our case there was love or there is love still at this point,however, it's not enough to keep the relationship going. I'm 4 months in it and I know the breakup happened for the best as both couldn't meet and were running around different directions , but it still pains me. How do I try to ease my pain coming here sharing a perspective and trying to believe there will better times in my life.

[MrWorkinProgress]

True. It takes commitment, comprise and not walking away. I think in our case there was love or there is love still at this point,however, it's not enough to keep the relationship going. I'm 4 months in it and I know the breakup happened for the best as both couldn't meet and were running around different directions , but it still pains me. How do I try to ease my pain coming here sharing a perspective and trying to believe there will better times in my life.

 

There absolutely will be. I guess I'm getting older and wiser, because throughout this grieving process I've at least known on an intellectual level that life will go on, I will heal, and I will be happy again. Doesn't make it any more pleasant, though.

[BridgetGrey]

There absolutely will be. I guess I'm getting older and wiser, because throughout this grieving process I've at least known on an intellectual level that life will go on, I will heal, and I will be happy again. Doesn't make it any more pleasant, though.

It's normal we invested in the relationship and got attached. Sure we are realistic one day we will forget and find other people and look back at this,however right is the paused stage sometime it feels like it.

 

Do not blame yourself over it it's the way life works and yes this is experience for us. For example, I learned next time if I enter a relationship it will not be long distance and I will define it for good and not try to redefine it like I did with this one.

[Standard-Fare]

No way to know the answer to either of those, and I've spent plenty of time worrying about all sorts of things like that as part of the bargaining stage of grief. While I appreciate your comments, I came here - like most people, I think - looking to commiserate and find ways to cope with my grief, and I'm not sure how continuing to drive home a case that it was all my fault does that. As you concede, that's irrelevant.

 

I'm not trying to say "it's all your fault." I'm sure it's not.

 

For me, it can be easier to accept something like this, and to heal, when I understand that it's painful and heart-breaking for the other person, too. It doesn't help for me to think of the other person as just some cold-hearted sh*thead who inexplicably cut off their love and left me stranded in the dark.

 

It's also important to understand how you BOTH failed each other, and recognize the mistakes that you made, to avoid falling into the same traps in the future. Every breakup is an opportunity to learn some important lessons about yourself.

[MrWorkinProgress]

Her departure is ten days away. Beyond discussing loose ends around our house I've kept NC and been very businesslike. Next weekend I will have to go into the house to get my final belongings, and I'm going to ask that she not be there.

 

But in ten days I will have to see her for the walk through with the landlord, and she will fly away that night. She has told me she'd like to "talk" before she goes, that there are "unanswered questions", and I told her I couldn't make any promises, but I'd think about it.

 

I don't see what's in it for me to have a discussion about our relationship now, 7 weeks out. It's going to set back my recovery, and she tends to like to win, so I fear she just wants to get the last word in. She'll also be back in town on business with some regularity.

 

But I don't know how to feel right about her just leaving for good without saying goodbye.

[MrWorkinProgress]

An update: I heard from my ex yesterday about getting my final belongings in advance of her move, and it turned into a 3-hour text conversation. It began with tension, and then moved to the more apologetic phase. That was all fine, but she wants to meet tonight to say goodbye in person, and I'm feeling very conflicted.

 

I agreed to it because in the moment when I was talking to her, with "I still love yous" flying, I felt connection to her and meeting sounded appealing, but that strikes me as a real danger sign that it might be too soon. I'm afraid it will peel off the scab of whatever healing I have done so far.

 

On the other hand, she is moving 2500 miles away in 9 days, and I don't know if I would feel right about not saying goodbye. She was my gf for 3 years, and we shared so much.

 

Thoughts?

[Arient]

An update: I heard from my ex yesterday about getting my final belongings in advance of her move, and it turned into a 3-hour text conversation. It began with tension, and then moved to the more apologetic phase. That was all fine, but she wants to meet tonight to say goodbye in person, and I'm feeling very conflicted.

 

I agreed to it because in the moment when I was talking to her, with "I still love yous" flying, I felt connection to her and meeting sounded appealing, but that strikes me as a real danger sign that it might be too soon. I'm afraid it will peel off the scab of whatever healing I have done so far.

 

On the other hand, she is moving 2500 miles away in 9 days, and I don't know if I would feel right about not saying goodbye. She was my gf for 3 years, and we shared so much.

 

Thoughts?

 

It's certainly too soon to meet up and I think it will surely hit the 'reset' button. But the question is, is she worth it? If she is, then meet her anyway. As you said, you guys spent 3 years together, so she was a very big part in your life. The worst thing that can happen is that you will have to start your recovery process all over again, heck, I think it sounds much better than not meeting her and then later regret it If I were you, I will meet her

[MrWorkinProgress]

You may be right. My biggest concern is we're only doing this because we still feel emotionally connected, so it's like a fix while we're in withdrawal. That can be really dangerous to everyone's emotional health.