Terrible breakup, first love

[maradona]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first time posting here, but I have been reading some of the posts. I am really struggling to deal with this break, she was my first love, we talked about getting married, looked at houses....and now its over.

 

I am not sure how to deal with this...First she told me she wants to go on a break, then I found out we broke up from a friend (2 days later) then we didnt talk for 3 weeks (because she wanted "space"). After 3 weeks, we met 3 times to talk about the breakup then she said she wants time apart I said ok. After which she texted me everyday for a week. We met again then got intimate, started seeing each other 1-2 times per week then she kept saying "i dont know what i want" "i feel like i fell out of love with love" until I couldnt do it anymore and told her I cant keep going like this that she needs to figure out what she wants and went NC. It has been 1 month and a half which has been a giant roller coaster. She has not contacted me once in that time.

 

Some days are better than others. I am trying to keep distracted, trying to forget and move on. Trying to stop hoping she will come back. She seems to be having the time of her life. I deleted everything social media, pictures... I am not sure how to move on from this and the hardest part is that now I need to start from 0 I wanted to start a life get a house... Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[evanescentworld]

Hate to say it, but you just need to keep doing what you're doing. Give it time and don't weaken....

[maradona]

Hate to say it, but you just need to keep doing what you're doing. Give it time and don't weaken....

 

Hey but how do you stop thinking what if? She kept saying I don't know what I want even though logically I think that's bs but a part of me wants to make excuses like maybe she wants but Is too proud to contact me. Sometimes I want to break nc and hear the words like no I don't want to be with you that maybe that would help.. But I think it's just an excuse to talk to her n that's how I stop myself from doing it everytime

 

The hardest is the free time I used to always be with her now weekends daytime are unbearable not sure what to do with that time? I can't remember what I used to do with my free time? I am not sure how to "keep busy". What do u do when u feel this way how do u fill ur time?

[dclan]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first time posting here, but I have been reading some of the posts. I am really struggling to deal with this break, she was my first love, we talked about getting married, looked at houses....and now its over.

 

I am not sure how to deal with this...First she told me she wants to go on a break, then I found out we broke up from a friend (2 days later) then we didnt talk for 3 weeks (because she wanted "space"). After 3 weeks, we met 3 times to talk about the breakup then she said she wants time apart I said ok. After which she texted me everyday for a week. We met again then got intimate, started seeing each other 1-2 times per week then she kept saying "i dont know what i want" "i feel like i fell out of love with love" until I couldnt do it anymore and told her I cant keep going like this that she needs to figure out what she wants and went NC. It has been 1 month and a half which has been a giant roller coaster. She has not contacted me once in that time.

 

Some days are better than others. I am trying to keep distracted, trying to forget and move on. Trying to stop hoping she will come back. She seems to be having the time of her life. I deleted everything social media, pictures... I am not sure how to move on from this and the hardest part is that now I need to start from 0 I wanted to start a life get a house... Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

How long were you two together?

 

Seems like she is a bit inmmature...or maybe the relationship was a short one and just didn't work out. You 2 are probably young.

 

Some more info could be more helpful.

 

Regardless of that, if she "doesn't know what she wants", then you should stay out of her way, let her figure it out.

 

The general rule in this situations, is letting her come back to you.

 

Specially if you are both young, and if the relationship wasn't very long.

 

She clearly cares about you, but it is possible she just "doesn't know what she wants".

Edited September 8, 2014 by dclan

[MrWorkinProgress]

Unfortunately, it sounds like she has some growing up to do, and needs to figure out what she wants before she can hope to have a relationship with anyone, including you. I think your only choice here is to go NC and proceed fully with the healing process. She may come back eventually, or she may not. Ideally, when she does you will be healed enough to make a sober decision whether you want to give her another shot.

[maradona]

We were together for 2 and half years, our families met and we were looking at houses. We are 26. I never had a serious relationship before her because I never wanted to be in this situation.. Before this I never let myself get attached..

 

I don't think I could ever trust her again... In the period we saw each other again after breakup I did everything restaurant, hotel, drinks until I couldn't handle it... I had anxiety like 24x7

 

After all that happened my family n friends "hate her" they are fully against her ever coming back.. They think she is full of herself, fake, not good person..I don't know how to stop thinking about it, I dream about the breakup.. It's getting easier to manage I don't have the same crazy negative ideas I used to have. My friends and family are definitely fed up of the subject.

 

How do u stop hoping? If I break no contact to see how she's doing will that make me "weak" I don't understand how u can go from wanting to spend ur life with someone to nothing at all complete strangers. The hardest part too is now having to start over from scratch with someone new and the "timeline" you put for urself when u wanted to be married, house, kids all that is out the window now lol

[maradona]

I just want to clarify we looked at houses for fun as something to do after getting married say down the line not something that was immediate future the nearest thing would have been engagement something she always brought up this topic house marriage kids names where to live....

[elseaacych]

 

After all that happened my family n friends "hate her" they are fully against her ever coming back.. They think she is full of herself, fake, not good person..I don't know how to stop thinking about it, I dream about the breakup.. It's getting easier to manage I don't have the same crazy negative ideas I used to have. My friends and family are definitely fed up of the subject.

 

How do u stop hoping? If I break no contact to see how she's doing will that make me "weak" I don't understand how u can go from wanting to spend ur life with someone to nothing at all complete strangers. The hardest part too is now having to start over from scratch with someone new and the "timeline" you put for urself when u wanted to be married, house, kids all that is out the window now lol

 

Your family may be on to something and it may be wise to heed their advice. First breakups are often more painful than most because you have no prior experience. I just recently (almost a year ago) went through my first breakup, and I really started feeling good again in late June. This is with full no contact, naturally. So it's going to take some time.

 

Often times we will grieve more for "what we had" with the person we were with than the person themselves, because that timeline you built together is now gone. What you can do, though, is go back to the timeline you had before you met this person, that you're gonna do whatever it is you wanted to do with your life in the first place, and if you meet someone wonderful along the way, maybe they can join you on your journey. Take solace that all these soft relationship oriented things can and will happen someday, and with the right person, it won't matter if it's a little later than you expected.

 

Best of luck to you.

[GoBlue]

Let me start by saying how sorry I am for your heartache and pain. What you have gone through in many ways is just like a divorce - especially since you were sexually involved. The only way to get through this kind of brokenness is one day at a time. Isolation, however, is very counter-productive to the healing process. Do you have a support group of any kind to help? Have you considered seeing a counselor, Pastor, or joining a small group? When you pour your life into others and allow them to do the same for you, the emptiness of losing a relationship is minimized.

 

Getting through a breakup involves steps just like any grieving process. You have to mourn the loss and then accept the fact that a relationship involves two people choosing to be together. You cannot choose for her. This leads to a place where you decide that you really don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. How long will this take? It's hard to say because all of us grieve differently, but healing will come.

 

I came across an article recently titled Breakup Blues. It is on a Christian website but it has some very helpful and practical advice. If you want me to share the link just send me a private message. In the meantime, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. May your heart find rest and peace soon!

[mea_M]

First love pain very big ouch. Truth is though you can get past it. Patience and healing time will help. Distraction is a big key to success. Keep you're chin up had don't look back. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

[maradona]

Thank you all very much for your replies! I really appreciate it.

 

Is it normal to feel anxiety all the time (now only on bad days which is like 1 good day 2 terrible days)? Like my chest feels sometimes like there is a knife inside just turning around... I start thinking is she with someone else? Is she not? Should I message her? How could this happen? If only I....? Why do I care so much about someone who does not care about me?

and it starts and does not stop... it is like a constant rotation

 

Did you experience the same thing?

Also all the free time... I used to be with her probably every single day...and the entire weekend. Now I hate weekends and actually look forward to mondays so that I could go to work... During daytime on the weekends I do not remember what I used to do? I do not know how to fill the holes? so I end up thinking about things and makes it worse... What did you do? Did you go through the same thing?

 

I lost touch with a lot of people unfortunately, I dont even remember what I used to do with my free time... In school it was easy during university to meet new ppl and keep busy but now working full time it different, I am not sure how to get used to it...

[elseaacych]

I developed anxiety issues after my ex actually did get with a new girl. I had a full-blown panic attack, and I ended up with a $3000 hospital bill... for nothing.

See if you can get a low dose of anti-anxiety meds if you think it will help you through the first few months. The other good thing for that is therapy, if you can get it.

 

You will get used to your new social life. I had to spend a lot of time making new friends because I was no longer in the college environment... and eventually I got to the point where I was okay with a lonely weekend... or two... or many... Anyway, the upside of going out and being social and meeting new people is that you may have a chance to meet some awesome new friends or that special someone!

 

Look at this as an opportunity to do things for you and you alone without worrying about what a significant other would do or think. It is really rather liberating when you start enjoy yourself and move on. You deserve love, so love you.

[dclan]

Thank you all very much for your replies! I really appreciate it.

 

Is it normal to feel anxiety all the time (now only on bad days which is like 1 good day 2 terrible days)? Like my chest feels sometimes like there is a knife inside just turning around... I start thinking is she with someone else? Is she not? Should I message her? How could this happen? If only I....? Why do I care so much about someone who does not care about me?

and it starts and does not stop... it is like a constant rotation

 

Did you experience the same thing?

Also all the free time... I used to be with her probably every single day...and the entire weekend. Now I hate weekends and actually look forward to mondays so that I could go to work... During daytime on the weekends I do not remember what I used to do? I do not know how to fill the holes? so I end up thinking about things and makes it worse... What did you do? Did you go through the same thing?

 

I lost touch with a lot of people unfortunately, I dont even remember what I used to do with my free time... In school it was easy during university to meet new ppl and keep busy but now working full time it different, I am not sure how to get used to it...

 

Yes its actually something common.

 

I myself experienced sort of a....chest pain. Not exactly pain, but as if something was just jammed between my lungs. Couldn't breath properly.

 

It was the physical manifestation fo my pain.

 

For me, it lasted 4 months. After 4 months of the BU, I had sort of an "epiphany", in which I realised that, what ever was supposed to happen in the future between me and her (either getting back or staying apart), I just had to start moving on. After that day....the pain was gone.

 

So yeah, it happens. Its a psicological thing.

[maradona]

Thank you once again for all of your help!

 

What about the "anger" I never "let her have it", she walked out without telling me anything told a friend "wtv I will let him figure it out...(that we broke up)", she didnt give me a reason for 4 weeks but she wanted her "space" before we can talk then led me on for a certain period of time under "i dont know what i want but I want to keep seeing you there is no one else I sware"..... after all the promises, all the talks, everything...

 

I feel so frustrated...I feel like I never addressed all that bs.. I made excuses for her, I defended her (blindly)... I put all the blame on me.. I never let her feel guilt. I told her its ok, take your time.... I never really told her what you did was BS. I do not think it will make a difference, as it wont bring her back and I think I would just feel guilty after.....

 

I also never wanted to give her a reason to ever be able to call me an "*******" and lose who I am because of things she did and said... BUT I AM SO ANGRY, with her for what she did and myself for playing along this stupid game....

 

When does this wheel of fortune of emotions END...

[maradona]

At the same time despite everything I am dying to break nc find out if there is someone else, if she misses me, if there is a chance we could restart.... I feel helpless

[dclan]

At the same time despite everything I am dying to break nc find out if there is someone else, if she misses me, if there is a chance we could restart.... I feel helpless

 

Ok I m going to answer both of your posts

 

Something very common that happens on "first love" relationships (usually relationships that last from your teens into early/mid twnties) is that, usually, one of the people involved is very emotional inmature.

 

This is the reason why she broke up in such a childish fasion, not saying anythiing, etc. She is inmature, at least emotionally. And I know this sucks, but thats just the way some people handle themselves.

 

The same goes to the "why" she left ur relationship. She is probably unsure of some problems your relationshipo had (although they might probably very stupid problems), so she decides to end it. She is young, its not like this was her last chance at love....she can meet other people (despite most of this new guys will probably be jerks that do not treat her right).

 

She might come back, she might not. The truth is that right now...she had to do wtv she had on her mind.

 

You seem new to the forums, so YOU MUST read the: " Grass is greener syndrome" post. It will be really helpfull. Here is the thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

It might help you understand a few things.

[maradona]

She was saying maybe with time I think we could restart, I don't know what I want, I wana keep seeing you but plz don't make me decide, I'm confused.

 

Then at time I wonder maybe I should call see where we stand? That I am still here but from what I gather from the forums she must believe she lost me.... I'm so conflicted about the whole thing and I wish I could just move on

[dclan]

She was saying maybe with time I think we could restart, I don't know what I want, I wana keep seeing you but plz don't make me decide, I'm confused.

 

Then at time I wonder maybe I should call see where we stand? That I am still here but from what I gather from the forums she must believe she lost me.... I'm so conflicted about the whole thing and I wish I could just move on

 

Read the gigz topic, will be helpfull

 

You can try to ask her to get back together. If she refuses, go no contact.

 

Then just try to move on: moving on is usually the only way to actually getting them back....

 

Its a bit of an irony, but it is usually the only way-.

 

BTW are u from argentina?

[maradona]

Thank you for your reply!

 

I read the GIGS article I think you are right it makes sense but doesnt make it easier. If she needs to date someone else to realize what it was then it never will be.... I could never forgive that.. nor could I trust her again..

 

At the same time.. I cant seem to move on.. I dont know how people deal with this its horrible sometimes I just wish I could make it stop... CTRL ALT DLT everything..

 

How do you stop emotions.. my brain says stay away for so many reasons trust being the first.. but I cant get her out of my head.. I have never been like this before.. I dont want to feel like this for a year...

 

Sometimes i wish it was anything else cheating, lying, crazy fighting at least that way it would be simpler but this breakup feels unfair... I just want to move past it.. there is no going back.. but how do you move foward

(not from argentina just a fan of their football )

[maradona]

Hi everyone,

 

I am extremely tempted to break NC... which technically I broke by asking about her but here goes...

 

She went to a party and was talking to common friends saying about my brother: "Wtv hes is pissed at me because I broke his brother's (me) heart"...

She said this to my bro's best friend..

 

The audacity.. I keep repeating to myself I WILL not let her get under my skin not with the stupid pictures (deleted all social media), not with the stupid comments.... Its so hard to keep NC going I never should have asked...

 

I WILL move on from this.. I WILL not let her find out she can affect me anymore. Its so hard I have so much I want to get off my chest..