Taffo Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 My wife who I've been with for 19 years has told me she no longer loves me and no longer wants to be with me. I'm absolutely gutted, I just don't know what to do, I feel so low. I've tried talking, all she says is it's not nothing I've done, she says there is nothing more I can do. She says there is no one else. I've asked about trying relate or talking with someone else but she says it doesn't work and she doesn't believe in them. The only reason she isn't leaving is she can not afford financially to go. I really can not see a future without her, I love her so much, and since she told me, all I can think of is her. I have no one I can talk to about this. I have tried reading up on this type of thing, and all the advice will only work if she will talk or try, which she just won't do. What can I do, I just can't believe this is happening? Link to post Share on other sites
I am Bud Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Dear Taffo You are in a unique position because even though your wife says that she wants to leave, she is not able to because of financial reasons. I'm not sure whether kids are involved or not but you could ask her what she would do if she did have the financial means to leave. What kind of a life does she envisage that she would have? The idea for this line of questioning would be to find out what her goals are and what she believes would make her happy. Does she feel trapped in the relationship? Does she regret not having a career and earning money? Do you remember the time when you first met and how you talked about your goals and dreams? Do you remember any of that and are you able to help her get that passion for life back? If you have somehow taken her for granted for all these 19 years then it is time to pay attention and find out what she wants to do. Perhaps if you can help her to reconnect with herself and what makes her happy then you might stand a chance in salvaging your relationship. All the best - Bud. Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Consider giving her more attention, don't shout and don't get angry on her. Hopefully she will realize that you should be loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 The biggest thing here is space. Don't try to shower her with love because that will just drive her away. Just go about your day as if its normal and try to pretend like you are okay with it. In the mean time you should seek therapy and look into getting on antidepressants. Trust me I wish I had done that while I was going through a similar situation. Its heart breaking to still live with someone you love that claims they don't love you anymore. Just take her seriously and do what she says she wants and see what happens. Mean while try to fight the pain with therapy and meds. Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Also always listen to her no matter if you think what she is saying is BS or not. I made that mistake. If she doesn't think you are taking her seriously there is no hope at all. At the same time don't let her have you on the run because that shows her a sign of weakness and that is not what she wants to see. Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I agree with the more attention thing but it depends on how she responds to it. I gave my ex more attention when things were going badly and it seemed to just piss her off. Everyone is different though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Taffo Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Dear Taffo You are in a unique position because even though your wife says that she wants to leave, she is not able to because of financial reasons. I'm not sure whether kids are involved or not but you could ask her what she would do if she did have the financial means to leave. What kind of a life does she envisage that she would have? The idea for this line of questioning would be to find out what her goals are and what she believes would make her happy. Does she feel trapped in the relationship? Does she regret not having a career and earning money? Do you remember the time when you first met and how you talked about your goals and dreams? Do you remember any of that and are you able to help her get that passion for life back? If you have somehow taken her for granted for all these 19 years then it is time to pay attention and find out what she wants to do. Perhaps if you can help her to reconnect with herself and what makes her happy then you might stand a chance in salvaging your relationship. All the best - Bud. We have a 15 year old son, and she has older children from pervious marriage. I have said if she leave then he stays with me, which she did not seem to concerned about. I have tried to asking what she wants, but she says she doesn't know just all she knows is she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me. She says there is nothing more I could do, I do everything I'm perfect, her words, it's just her. She has a good job and financially together we are fine, but apart we would struggle. I do pay attention, she just not a talker so I can not find what she wants or needs. Taffo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Taffo Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Consider giving her more attention, don't shout and don't get angry on her. Hopefully she will realize that you should be loved. She has told me she knows I love her and I really cannot pay her any more attention than I already do, and I never get angry, I have never raised my voice once in all our years together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Taffo Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 The biggest thing here is space. Don't try to shower her with love because that will just drive her away. Just go about your day as if its normal and try to pretend like you are okay with it. In the mean time you should seek therapy and look into getting on antidepressants. Trust me I wish I had done that while I was going through a similar situation. Its heart breaking to still live with someone you love that claims they don't love you anymore. Just take her seriously and do what she says she wants and see what happens. Mean while try to fight the pain with therapy and meds. This 1st came about 2 years ago and, we have just gone on as normal, but it has all come to a head again, so not so sure about that. What type of therapy and from whom? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Taffo Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 I agree with the more attention thing but it depends on how she responds to it. I gave my ex more attention when things were going badly and it seemed to just piss her off. Everyone is different though. I think she doesn't like the more attention as she just wants me to feel the same as her, that the marriage is over and let's just be ok with it and move on. Because she doesn't love me, she finds it hard that I still love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 My ex did the same thing, she didn't love me and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy but that was not possible because I was still madly in love with her and I still am. I was suggesting that you should go see a therapist to try to work out some of your feelings so that this doesn't damage you any more than it needs to. For me I went through all of my feelings alone and I am still pretty messed up. The difference in my situation is my ex wanted to see people while I was still living with her and that was bad. She would say why can't we just be friends and live together and see other people. That is not possible when you are still in love. I am not saying that is your situation but your wife will likely move on to someone else and that will not feel good my friend. As for the antidepressants its just a good measure to help you get through this. If she is serious about not wanting to get back together then you need to figure out a different living situation because if you don't feel the same way its going to continue to rip you apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 She has told me she knows I love her and I really cannot pay her any more attention than I already do, and I never get angry, I have never raised my voice once in all our years together. Maybe she has missed it, so you will need to give some more attention. Result won't be quick. Link to post Share on other sites
OnTheRightPath Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I agree that living together will not end well in this situation. Can you guys have a trial separation? Ask her to move out for a month or vice-versa. Maybe she will get a glimpse of what it would be like without you to count on. Sometimes you take someone for granted when they are always there. Also, maybe she is going through a depression.....menopause? Not sure of your age so it's just a thought. At any rate, I believe you should see a professional counselor for yourself. 19 years is a long time and it won't be easy so please take care of your mental health through this. I wish you good luck !! Link to post Share on other sites
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