SycamoreCircle Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 (edited) I looked at her FB and Twitter page! I looked at the new guy's stuff, too. I'm such a hypocrite. I'm 5 months NC. I've been on here telling people in earlier stages what not to do, and I caved. I will say this though, it felt much different than 5 months ago. I felt some compassion for her. I want to forgive her and be happy for her(within myself only). It didn't bother me so much that she's with this other guy. I recognized that I feel love towards her. As in, she will always be someone that I care about, even if we can't be in contact, even if she was terrible to me in the end. It made me angry that less than two months ago she completed a painting that she started while living with me and put it on exhibit at a local gallery show attended by her closest friends. She initially named it something like, How I Was Emotionally Scarred and then changed the name later to This Painting Is About My Breakup. Emotionally scarred...really? Someone on FB asked about it and she made a derogatory comment about our relationship. It all points to her NPD. I felt down in the dumps the rest of the day. How do you forgive someone who does everything in their power to destroy your reputation? I want her to be happy, though. She's young and wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship like ours. She also has strong narcissistic traits. I hope that the new guy treats her well. At the same time she was devaluing me, she idealized him and he seems less than scrupulous in some respects. I just want all this anger and pain to go away---for everyone. Edited September 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Well...given that you derived something positive out of your FB and Twitter "stalking" (you felt compassion), you can if you want take the positives from that. And re-commit to stop doing any future stalkings. At that time, she may have felt as if she'd been emotionally blackmailed. BUT THEN she grew and developed a more self-responsible view of her relationship with you. She could be or likely is still in process of making her perception of her experience even more accurate. And isn't that all that most of us want to do, at the end of the day? Yes, NDP symptoms include devaluing others. Are you sure that you are not doing that to her, here? And, is it my wrong, or you are making her every move to be in some way about you (e.g., that she's out to or looking to destroy your reputation)...and is that not a supposed "symptom" of NDP? But. Does that mean necessarily that you also have NDP? I think not. I think your instinct to find and/or feel compassion holds a key to eliminating anger and pain...much more so, IMO, than assigning labels from the DSM-IV and revisions thereto. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 It really says a lot about you that you're still able to wish someone who hurt you-well in life. I advise you to just steer clear of her social media from now on. For good. You forgive her by understanding that she isn't meant to be a part of your life anymore which means there is no reason in the world not to forgive her for the hurt she caused you because she can't cause you any more hurt ever again. You forgive her by realizing that you no longer know her and she no longer knows you. You are living separate lives from one another. Maybe what I'm suggesting isn't forgiveness...maybe it's just letting go, rather. Maybe the best we can do is just let go of that person and their memory because so few of us know how to truly forgive someone for hurting us so badly. Link to post Share on other sites
dudemeister Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 It's tempting as hell isn't it? Just a few clicks and you can see how & what she/he is doing. It's especially tough when their profiles are open for anyone to see. From what you wrote it looks like you are doing well with the breakup and on your way to moving on. Good luck and stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
W101 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 From my experience and this is a long time a go, looking at her social media is a good and bad thing, it's bad because it hurts and that's horrible, it's good because looking at it so many times means inevitably you'll have to accept what your seeing with your own 2 eyes, and once you step passed that barrier, the anxiety response in your brain when you see all this will go off less and less over time and eventually die. I used to a date a girl who claimed she had Borderline Personality Disorder, there was definitely some narcissistic traits thrown in there, I felt like I was dating one Persona after another over the 2 years I was with her, I didn't know who she was from one day to the next, she picked up people and hobbies all the time, and when it suited her put them down again, she had no problem randomly walking out on me and leaving me in the dark, inbetween our relationship she had many pack up and go adventures, that's just the way it was, over the years I realized it wasn't her fault and it wasn't my fault either, she refused professional help so there wasn't much anybody could do. My advice to you, don't take anything she says to heart, chances are, her mind is whistling in the wind when she rags on you like that, keep moving on with your life and wish her luck with hers, you seem like a nice guy who's had his self worth tested an awful lot, let me tell you, there's light at the end of the tunnel, any relationship after one like that is paradise in your own back garden give yourself a break and rest easy, take care friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 How old she is right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SycamoreCircle Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Well...given that you derived something positive out of your FB and Twitter "stalking" (you felt compassion), you can if you want take the positives from that. And re-commit to stop doing any future stalkings. At that time, she may have felt as if she'd been emotionally blackmailed. BUT THEN she grew and developed a more self-responsible view of her relationship with you. She could be or likely is still in process of making her perception of her experience even more accurate. And isn't that all that most of us want to do, at the end of the day? Yes, NDP symptoms include devaluing others. Are you sure that you are not doing that to her, here? And, is it my wrong, or you are making her every move to be in some way about you (e.g., that she's out to or looking to destroy your reputation)...and is that not a supposed "symptom" of NDP? But. Does that mean necessarily that you also have NDP? I think not. I think your instinct to find and/or feel compassion holds a key to eliminating anger and pain...much more so, IMO, than assigning labels from the DSM-IV and revisions thereto. Yes, you're right. I must re-commit to no stalking. Yes, labeling someone to be NPD is a bold and precarious claim. I'm leery of labels, too. I would disagree that I'm looking for her every move to be about me. (Of course, I secretly wish for it.) I would agree that I was looking for something that was about me. This is what I focused on in this post. NPD was introduced to me by people both inside and outside this forum when I told the full story of what happened. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/475379-gigs-what-happened Yes, I wonder sometimes if I'm using it as a crutch. But I have never had so much unabashed HATE directed at me before in my life. When you give someone love, patience and acceptance and they return vitriol and hate, how do you make sense of it? I abide by the choices she set in motion. I'm out of her life for good(minus this social media stalking). I have no contact with anyone she knows. She has her new man, her new apartment, her new job. 3 months post break-up, why does she still feel anger towards me? "Emotionally blackmailed"??? I suspect she titled the painting that because she wants her friends and colleagues to understand things from her point of view, to sympathize with her. During our break up, when I discovered through snooping her e-mails what was really going on I sent a letter to the friends, family and lover exposing the whole thing: her smear campaign and how she'd lied to me telling me "there is no one else". She responded hysterically by saying "I can explain everything!" then by saying our break up had nothing to do with the other guy and everything to do with me. I suppose this painting was a reiteration of that idea to her friends---"yes, you see me at this gallery opening with a new man looped around my arm; yes there's been rumors; but make no mistake I was the victim, I was emotionally blackmailed!" This is more information than anyone asked for, I know. I shouldn't be hashing through this garbage. Let there be no confusion: NC must be followed religiously! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SycamoreCircle Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 How old she is right now? She's 25. For the majority of our relationship, she was 24 to my 37. She kissed the other guy the night of her 25th birthday. Long, terrible story here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/475379-gigs-what-happened Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 25 and she admits that she has made mistakes but she is not going to learn. You should not take her too seriously, at least for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SycamoreCircle Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 25 and she admits that she has made mistakes but she is not going to learn. You should not take her too seriously, at least for now. Yes, I have the sneaking suspicion she will not be ready to "deal" with this whole thing for maybe 6 years. Don't know how I came up with that figure, it just feels right. It's tough. She dealt with our break up as if it wasn't happening. It's like she went from losing attraction to me/idealizing this new guy to being with him. She only wanted to cleanly, curtly cut me off and avoid me. Not even break up with me, really. Just have me disappear. I think eventually we must all pay the piper. I believe that before she can ever have a serious, healthy relationship ever again she must either deal with me personally OR deal with what happened between us with someone else, owning up to what really happened. It's going to require a lot of emotional honesty on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
hedyo Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I suspect she titled the painting that because she wants her friends and colleagues to understand things from her point of view, to sympathize with her. During our break up, when I discovered through snooping her e-mails what was really going on I sent a letter to the friends, family and lover exposing the whole thing: her smear campaign and how she'd lied to me telling me "there is no one else". She responded hysterically by saying "I can explain everything!" then by saying our break up had nothing to do with the other guy and everything to do with me. I suppose this painting was a reiteration of that idea to her friends---"yes, you see me at this gallery opening with a new man looped around my arm; yes there's been rumors; but make no mistake I was the victim, I was emotionally blackmailed!" To be honest, her friends and family are pretty much obliged to sympathize with her anyway - they're her friends and family, that's their job. If your ex is indeed NPD, you shouldn't be engaging in the drama. Talking about smear campaigns and sending letters to her friends and family only serves to make you look a little crazy. The people in her life are never going to side with you anyway, so you'd be better off not caring what they think about the breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SycamoreCircle Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Well, at the time I sent the letter I had no idea what NPD was. I knew that sending that letter was a double-edged sword. My one bet was because they had been lied to also, they might at least give consideration to my side of the story. And her mother did write me back and "acknowledged" my pain. I think the title of that painting was more aimed at people in her circle who weren't part of that letter but who had heard rumors. I also think my ex since around the time of our break up does very confused, contradictory things. I mean, I tried to call her on her lies and chimeras in those last few days we knew each other and it was like telling a cat it's really a dog! She's a very different person than the one I started a relationship with. But all this is bridge under the water. As I stated earlier, I've had no contact in about 5 months. This "lapse" is a surprise to me. I've got a ways to go, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
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