Moving on strategies?

[edgygirl]

It's been almost 3 months since my breakup and I am still sad and coping.

 

I've tried dating but no one else really interests me

 

I don't know what to do anymore, this is probably the worst BU I've had coping-wise because I'm past 40 and it seems really tougher when you're older.

 

It took me almost 5 years to find someone I could love and it didn't work and I'm afraid it might take me years again to find someone to love

 

What are your strategies that helped moving on? I know the typical "work on yourself, love yourself, go to the gym, meet friends" advice, but these things are not doing it for me right now :/

[Photofinish]

Delete pictures, get rid of gifts, DO NOT STALK HIM ONLINE. Do not look at his Facebook or anything else. It's the best way . I am going through the same thing at one month and I think that the only way to heal is to sorta pretend you never met him. That's what I'm trying. One day hopefully it will be like he never existed!

[edgygirl]

Thank you Photofinish, I liked the advice of trying to pretend he never existed...

 

I haven't stalked him in 3 months, there is almost nothing online about him, but I did today as I dreamed about him the whole night yesterday, probably after stumbling across pics from earlier this year yesterday. I woke up a few times in the middle of the night and was distressed today the whole day

 

Any more concrete ideas anyone?

[preraph]

You need to do something to put it into perspective. Travel someplace you've always wanted to do. Volunteer at something you think you'd enjoy. (I did the zoo). Find a new path that interests you that will take up some brain space and crowd him out of it.

[d0nnivain]

Keep busy.

 

Rely on the positive people in your life.

 

Redecorate your living space. Even if it's just moving the furniture around, change is healthy.

 

Get a haircut.

[edgygirl]

thanks guys. preraph, I agree with the perspective thing. I have traveled abroad to see my parents but it didn't help :/ maybe I need to go somewhere else. I like the idea of volunteering and trying to find a new path (been thinking about trying meditation) - things that are beyond myself or self serving like going to the gym or so...

 

d0nnivain, been trying to keep busy but then in the moments I have by myself it hits me... not many positive people in my life unfortunately. I like the idea of moving things around - thank you.

[todreaminblue]

i don't try and pretend they dont exist ...its useless you don't forget......and it actually makes you think about them more in my experience...no contact is good though to help the process of moving on.....

 

I find if you look at them as having been in your life for a reason might not have been the reason you hoped for but they were in it for a reason......they were the guy that didn't work out....but it is one guy closer to the guy who works out and when you meet him its like gee i am glad that the other guy wasn't the one...because i would never have met so and so...and it happens....your life is so intricate things happen that somehow just fit together to lead you to where you need to be...i could give hundreds of examples....i am sure you can too....if you had slept in on saturday adn didtn go to the corner store, if you didn't go out on friday, i fyou missed the train on tuesday and caught a later one....you meet who you meet....etc....everything happens for a reason including guys.you meet them you go out with them you stay together or you dont........sometimes it is to prepare us for the next better guy...smilin....the hunk around the corner edgygirl.....

 

i think trying to think someone doesnt exist is not congruent to healing...i feel it breeds a bit of resentment and definitely a non acceptance of it didnt work out for a reason.......it centers more i feel, the demise of the relationship around the guy.... and not an understanding of why it might not have worked out between the two of you.....

 

i think it helps to move on to be accepting that it just didnt work and pretending like he doesnt exist ...well...he doesexist..... as do you and now you have another chance to find a guy who is suitable for you and a relationship with you....not wasting more time on someone that wasnt right for you that includes trying to convince yourself he is dead to you.....wish him well....

 

 

 

and i am sure this is fact....the more people you wish well and pray have a wonderful life....because it actually feels like a load is lifted if you wish people well than ill.........the more well wishes and prayers come your way for you......i wish you well....smilin...good luck edgy girl....deb

[edgygirl]

Thanks Deb... for always being so supportive <3

 

In fact I think I tried to ignore his existence in the first month but it came back with a vengeance after. But I guess the idea here in the post was to try to not remember him that much.

 

It hurts to think he was here for a reason. As he is what I've been looking for for years. Well, besides the part where we could not find a way to make it work. I am trying to keep hope and think there's a reason for us not working and that indeed the right guy is right there waiting for me. I try to remember I felt lonely in his company in the end, I felt unsupported.

 

I hope you're right... I hope the new guy is out there and more suitable. I am just sick of failed relationships and of being alone.

 

I did wish well to my ex husband I came across in the street this month, but to this last guy it's still hard. I know it sounds mean but I don't want him to be happy yet as I am still suffering for him. He doesn't deserve to be happy as he didn't work on "us" to make us work when we had an awesome thing going on. Why only I should be suffering? :/

[todreaminblue]

i can give you one reason edgy girl, in your post to me you said you felt lonely in his company and unsupported

 

one reason he came into your life was to show you that is not what makes you happy in a relationship......that you do deserve to feel happy and it wasnt ever going to be with him

 

I felt the same way with my ex in the end and we had many years of good times.....it was the bad times that he didnt have the fortitude to remain faithful or ride it out and stick together thats how i know ....i cant be with an unfaithful guy with a lack or fortitude and inner strength....i need someone who will fight beside me through the bad to enjoy the good......not someone who fights against me.....i need a faithful guy who invests as much as i do...i had to learn that from my ex....that i deserve that guy not my ex and his half heartedness.........only when we split up and months down the track did he actually say to me......you deserve better than the way i treated you ....and admitted to me i am the one who messed up......and for a long time i wholly blamed myself....some of the break up was me.....but he should have stood beside me regardless....and remained faithful

 

edgy girl , whatever reason there is there will be more than one, and you might not feel it or know it yet,but life and love for you will get better you have learned things in your relationship about what you love and what you dont love , what you can put up with and what you cant...take it all into your next one and there will be one trust me.....

 

 

until there is, do things for you, fulfill a dream you have always wanted to do, a place you never got to see, take a holiday somewhere even if is just a weekend..get pampered, do a pedicure, a manicure, a haircut as another poster said...by yourself some egyptian cotton sheets and some silky night wear,some scented candles and some heavenly soap and have baths every night with relaxing music at the end of the day.... do something special for you....treat yourself.........and be good to you...hugs edgy......deb

 

 

 

 

 

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Edited August 23, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Stsm5934]

I've sort of informally decided to break-up my coping in 3 stages

 

1. Mourning/accepting the end of the relationship- Working through the impulses to try to fix the relationship, trying to reach out and gain a response from my ex, feeling sad and hurt.

2. Rebuilding my self-confidence and self-esteem: (I'm almost here) Getting back to doing the things I love and that make me happy. I know for me, I was happy and confident before my relationship. I enjoyed being alone, I was good/capable of making new friends and I liked the life I had. When a relationship starts, our lives change, we let someone in and a lot of the things we do adjust to having that person around. When they leave it might feel like our lives are empty because we have these holes in the places they used to fill and that impacts our self-esteem and confidence. I think the big things about this stage will be learning to be present, accepting and loving of myself.

3. Putting myself back out there to love- not even thinking about it right now. I feel like when my relationship first ended I keep going to this spot, thinking when will I be ready to get back into a new relationship. When will I find someone to fill in these empty spots in my life now? It almost just hurt more to have these kind of thoughts. I realized that I just need to be in the spot where I am each day, I can't jump ahead to the future. Of course right now I can't imagine finding someone new, I'm not my best self so its hard to think about who would want to be with me at this time. It certainly wouldn't be the type of men I want to be with.

 

On another note, I understand how you feel about not getting involved easily, finally finding someone and then having it not work out. I also think that even though you may have been in a spot for a long time where you kept yourself from getting involved, the fact that you did get involved and loved someone means that you found your way to a spot where your heart was open. As hard as it may be to see this now, this means that you figured out the path to getting to that spot and you will be able to do it again, when you are ready.