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What is the one thing you learned that was the most benefical for recovery?


Mary Oak

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Mine is realizing that the REASONS, the WHYS, and all the ANALAZYING over their actions doesn't matter! It just doesn't.

 

Don't "try to figure it out". Don't analyze how they once said you were forever. Don't try to figure out why it is I love you today and want to break up tomorrow. Don't look at emails and texts and try to read between the lines. Don't try to ask "just the right question" or say "just the right thing". NONE OF THAT MATTERS!!!

 

What does matter is they left you. They decided they didn't want you in their life anymore.

 

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!!

 

I wasted so much time trying to get closure, trying to figure out if this was really the end, trying to change her mind....all that did was create a loop in my mind. My ex was extremely patient with my questioning... she tried her best to answer every question I had... for almost an entire year!!! The thing is I ALWAYS had just ONE more question. I just kept looping around...asking the same questions in different ways, and I only hurt myself.

 

I see so much of that on this forum. It does make me realize that I am not insane for doing that, but I want to tell you to STOP!!! It only causes you so much pain. I see soooo many posts on "what does he/she mean by this?", "was this too mean to text?", "what is he/she feeling?". I get it, I really do, but I am here to tell you to PLEASE STOP!!!! IT WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY AND FOR WHAT????

 

All that matters is that the are gone....it sucks... still sucks for me, but at least I don't constantly try to figure it out...it just is....

 

So, tell me, what is the one thing that you learned during your breakup that you wish you would have knew a lot sooner?

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moonlightpath

I realized that I can do better. And that I shouldn't be sad over someone who doesn't want me. My ex and I didn't have a healthy relationship. He made me shut out a LOT of my friends.Especially male friends. Because he didn't trust me. Whats a relationship without trust? For the past couple of months we did nothing but argue on a weekly basis. I was getting so tired of it. It was making me feel stressed. Now that he left me I don't feel any stress anymore. But I do wish I were happier.

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Always Pondering

That I will never ever find anyone like her again because well, that's the point.

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I've realized that if I start looking at my situation, whichever that may be from a different perspective I will eventually formulate solutions and execute accordingly in order to move forward with life. And clearly there is always a lesson to learn from whatever adversity life decides to throw at you.

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I wished I had let him walk when he first told me it was over. Instead I begged and pleaded.

But I think this is a process that a dumpee generally goes through until there is a level of acceptance that it's over.

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Accepting and understanding that the women I loved for the last 27years was gone forever, the grieving process.

Not only did I have to battle with the deceitfulness of her affair.

A more pressing issue now is do I like the new women she has become.

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Requiem4Dreams

I guess the best coping mechanism I've used in order to recover has been realizing what my boundaries are. Honor and integrity are the core concepts of my belief system. Understanding that I deserve better than being lied to, or cheated on which is what it basically comes down to when someone leaves you for another.

 

Learning to respect yourself, setting goals and ultimately realizing how far better off we are without needing someone. Relationships tend to take the better part of our life and time. I can now invest more fully into who I am, and I am pretty damn amazing.

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I learned a few important things:

 

- saying they need to 'think' or 'need time or space' is a way of withdrawing prior to splitting up with you;

 

- that they say especially nice things to you before actually splitting up - I suspect this is because they are arguing with themselves internally - 'why am I doing this to this nice person?' It doesn't stop it happening though;

 

- that he wasn't the person I thought he was. If he was, he'd still be with me. Accepting that he was different from my obvious 'fantasy' about what kind of person he was, really helped;

 

- realising that I was never going to understand and that all the wondering, worrying, mulling things over, brooding, trying to understand, was pointless - a person's withdrawal from a relationship can be for so many reasons and even nothing to do with you - for example, they met someone else they found themselves attracted to and suddenly lost interest

 

- realising I played a part. I was uncertain about him and not reassuring to him about my feelings (with good reason as I was uncertain and now I look back and thank God it didn't work out). But, my emotional withholding did have an impact on him so I can't blame him really.

Edited by spiderowl
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That neither one of us really happy! I was in denial and just hanging onto an unhealthy thing, bc of the fear of having to start over! (I'm divorced, in my 40's, kids-not easy to date, find a good match!)

 

Realized, why do I want to be with someone when I feel more sad than happy? Why be with someone who is pulling away, is showing behaviors he doesn't want to be with me? That I'm not a priority? He doesn't see a future with me?

 

How the hell can I lower my standards and self love, to be with someone who does not respect me! NO!

 

Love is never enough! Great chemistry and sex is never enough! Actions speak louder than words!

 

And love in a way, is like an addiction, and we can not see or think clearly if it's an unhealthy love, or when they, or we, are in unhealthy place. Just won't work...

 

So I let go. Accept. And learn. And ok to be without a romantic relationship until I've really learned all I need to, from this damaged person and how he tried to steal my confidence, my self love, drag me down into his drama.

 

No one will take my precious gifts from me, ever again. So HIS loss. And in spite of feeling like total crap for two months, to get this "drug" out of my system...it's leaving, never to come back. I took my heart back! And it's mine to keep and protect until someone proves they really want it, works for it, deserves it! And that's not happening any time soon, and that's fine with me! I share my heart with those who truly love and adore me, including ME.

 

:-)

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Liverpool Bloke

The main thing I have learned is that my instincts are pretty much spot on.If ever I get that gut feeling something isn`t right,I will investigate straight away,not try & put it to the back of my mind and tell myself I am being paranoid.I don't have to worry about repeating the same mistake with a new girl so much more content & completely over my awful experience.

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Yes, that's a BIG one - trusting our instincts. If something doesn't feel right, then it isn't right for us. Yes, big lesson. How I felt that, saw red flags, but pushed them aside because this person fun, charming, was giving me so much attention, compliments, so into me! I was prob vulnerable; I admit this. I realize now I sacrificed MY values. So wrong. :-(

 

But I learned. And that is all that matters now! So it served a purpose. Hard to see that logically with your brain, when your heart is broken. But it will heal...

 

Today would have been our one year anniversary. I'm doing ok! Yes, sad. Yes, thinking of him. But did I reach out? No. Did I cry today? No.

Baby steps. I'll take it. And be proud of myself.

 

Thanks to this forum! It's been a god send and huge part of me healing! I've been able to skip the therapist! ;-)

 

Thanks everyone for the support. We are never alone. And we all want to love and be loved. Just the way we are wired. So it's OK when that goes away for awhile. But if we do the work, it will come into our lives again, when the timing is right. Gotta trust in that timing! It is everything!!!

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Great post, requiemfordreams

 

 

I guess the best coping mechanism I've used in order to recover has been realizing what my boundaries are. Honor and integrity are the core concepts of my belief system. Understanding that I deserve better than being lied to, or cheated on which is what it basically comes down to when someone leaves you for another.

 

Learning to respect yourself, setting goals and ultimately realizing how far better off we are without needing someone. Relationships tend to take the better part of our life and time. I can now invest more fully into who I am, and I am pretty damn amazing.

:)
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I agree. A lot of people (me included) fall apart after a breakup. Breakups can effect your feelings of your self-worth/value, confidence and self-esteem. It's only once you start to rebuild those, you start to get better.

 

I think it's also taught me to be a little more careful about what you give to a relationship. It's great to support, love and give to another person, but if you notice those things aren't being reciprocated at the same level, it's a redflag. Actions speak louder than words, and some telling you your amazing or beautiful or whatever it is that makes you think it's ok for them to not pull their weight in a relationship, is actually NOT okay. Relationships are not just about all the great times you have together, the way someone handles the bad times tells you a hell of a lot more. Two people need to being working for a relationship to work.

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I also learned that all the analyzing and asking WHY essentially leads you to the same place. It's still over.

 

I learned that NC is essential. Do not give an inch on this one.

 

I learned to pay attention to the red flags. Basically, trust your gut, and, at a certain point, you have to start holding people accountable for their actions. Don't bank on potential.

 

Don't give more than you receive. Sure, it's not always equal on who's giving and receiving, but I was constantly putting in more effort. It was a pattern.

 

Don't change to make someone want you. We all have to make compromises in a relationship, but don't compromise your values or self-respect. Don't apologize for who you are.

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My ex was extremely patient with my questioning... she tried her best to answer every question I had... for almost an entire year!!! The thing is I ALWAYS had just ONE more question. I just kept looping around...asking the same questions in different ways, and I only hurt myself.

 

Mary Oak, you ex sounds a lot like mine. We had several discussions over why the relationship ended, but the fact remains that the person who said forever has changed their mind. No reason will ever make sense for us or anyone who was dumped. We will never understand why the person did a 180, so all we can do it accept it.

 

I cringe when I see dumpees who want a letter of "closure" or who receive a letter. It doesn't change anything but only serves to keep you emotionally invested in the relationship.

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You couldn't be more correct. I never really sat around and asked why this why that or tried to analyze anything, I just fell apart at first and was overcome with great sadness. At first I felt like I lost everything good in my life...but this is how I eventually started feeling:

 

*I just wish I had never gotten romantically involved with my ex at all. Nothing good came of our experience together. Not even the love that was once there, or the amazing sex, or the awesome trips we took together...the majority of the time we fought; mainly because he is immature, controlling and abusive. To me anyway. I'm sure he treats his younger, more successful current GF like a princess.

 

(I recently quit smoking so everything is starting to annoy me) ANYWAY-

 

I wish I listened to my head and my gut when I first saw the red flags but instead, my heart lied to me & told me the RS would get better, so I ignored the red flags.

 

My last RS was one of the worst mistakes I've ever made, one of the worst experiences I've ever had and definitely the worst RSs I have ever been in.*

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My relationship was the best one by far that I had ever been in. And I have been in a few long term relationships. It was my fault it ended. I know the reason for the 180. That is why it is so hard for me.

For two years, I have worked on my issues. Am I a much better person for it. I admit I started to change because I wanted to get her back. But we all know it is too late for that. But I keep plugging away with therapy, trying to do right by people, trying to be more open to love.

 

But it is hard to be open to live when the one you love is gone. So I try to just be open to beautiful things in general. Animals, older people, people who give up themselves, people in need. I have learn to empathize, when embarrassingly I don't think I knew how to do that so well.

 

Anyway, I take steps forward everyday. I am very lonely but right now that is my fault. I was going out a lot with friends etc but I didn't really want to be there so I stopped. I work, come home, work, take care of house. I m content I guess.

 

Anyways, she is the best. Or was the best for me at the time anyway. But, as proven, life goes on...

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Liverpool Bloke
Yes, that's a BIG one - trusting our instincts. If something doesn't feel right, then it isn't right for us. Yes, big lesson. How I felt that, saw red flags, but pushed them aside because this person fun, charming, was giving me so much attention, compliments, so into me! I was prob vulnerable; I admit this. I realize now I sacrificed MY values. So wrong. :-(

 

But I learned. And that is all that matters now! So it served a purpose. Hard to see that logically with your brain, when your heart is broken. But it will heal...

 

Today would have been our one year anniversary. I'm doing ok! Yes, sad. Yes, thinking of him. But did I reach out? No. Did I cry today? No.

Baby steps. I'll take it. And be proud of myself.

 

Thanks to this forum! It's been a god send and huge part of me healing! I've been able to skip the therapist! ;-)

 

Thanks everyone for the support. We are never alone. And we all want to love and be loved. Just the way we are wired. So it's OK when that goes away for awhile. But if we do the work, it will come into our lives again, when the timing is right. Gotta trust in that timing! It is everything!!!

Great post Missy.Thing is though,I used to think `Cant hurry love` etc & just be prepared to wait,but pure belief in myself and pure belief that I can quickly find somebody amazing has worked.6 weeks from utter desolation and it's a new amazing life with somebody I completely adore.I think this Matrix/Master plan we call life can be adjusted to speed up happiness if we stay positive,loving and honest,believe in ourselves and remain confident that we deserve and can attract the best.

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Great post Missy.Thing is though,I used to think `Cant hurry love` etc & just be prepared to wait,but pure belief in myself and pure belief that I can quickly find somebody amazing has worked.6 weeks from utter desolation and it's a new amazing life with somebody I completely adore.I think this Matrix/Master plan we call life can be adjusted to speed up happiness if we stay positive,loving and honest,believe in ourselves and remain confident that we deserve and can attract the best.

 

Hey I am interested to know how you met someone new? How did you manage to put yourself into such a positive mindset?

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