Terrified of my Ex :/

[Pocahontas]

I don't really know where to start with this :/

 

About 5 years ago, I started college and met my ex. We started our relationship 3 months after first meeting and things were really good. About 2 months into our relationship we had sex. This was my first time (I was 17) and he told me it wasn't his first however, the way he acted (kinda clueless) I think he was probably lying. We were happy until a month later I thought I might be pregnant - before anyone moans at me we did use a condom but I guess it just didn't work. I told him straight away and he was really supportive, bought me a test which said negative. Another month later I went to get a test at the doctors, which came back positive. I told him and he seemed ok with it, but that night I went to his house and he started punching my stomach. It wasn't hard punches and didn't cause any damage but he was saying "if I hit hard enough will it go?" At the time I thought he was joking so left happy. The next day, I couldn't go to college because of really bad morning sickness. He went to college and I got a text off my friend saying that my ex had been telling everyone how I had broken up with him and he was really upset. I texted him straight away to ask why he was saying that and he replied saying that he must have misunderstood me because he thought I did break up with him. But I never said anything he could have misunderstood for that! I was angry so told him I wanted to have a bit of space after that text. He later replied with a horrible text saying I was a bitch etc. He didn't speak to me for a while after that, I continually texted him about my pregnancy but he didn't reply. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl 2 months after my 18th birthday. He was the first person i texted after giving birth, i told him all of her details (name, weight, looks etc) and asked if he wanted to come see her in the hospital. No reply. About 3 months later, I got a fb message off a very good friend asking why I wouldn't let my ex be involved with our baby. Just a few months earlier this same girl was one of only 3 people who supported me when I told everyone I was pregnant. Anyway I told her that I had never said he couldn't see her and asked her he wanted to arrange a place to meet so he could see her. She told me to stop ignoring his texts. I had not received any texts off him so I have her my number to make sure he was texting the right one. I found out that this girl was now in a relationship with my ex and apparently believes him over me. She cut off all contact with me and wouldn't let me explain anything.

 

For the past four (four years and five months) years I haven't had any contact with my ex. After all this i have been scared to leave the house, just on case I saw him. I have panic attacks and just can't stop thinking about him. I don't speak to any of my 'friends' because they left me through the above. I'm not scared of him doing anything to me, I don't think he will. But I am terrified! I daren't get a job incase he comes there, I'm scared to take my daughter to the park or go to the shop. I've recently been listing to anxiety help hypnosis apps and they have been helping. However, on Christmas Eve I found out he was getting married (to a girl I don't know) and I was physically sick. I cried all night and just couldn't process it. As far as I know she doesn't know about me or my daughter, his parents don't know.

 

Also, today I went to a big toy shop with my daughter, father and brothers. He was there! The first time I've seen him in over four years. As soon as I saw him I had a panic attack, my legs were shaking uncontrollably for the rest of the day and I was trying so hard not to cry in the shop. I don't know if he saw me, we didn't look at each other at the same time and nothing was said or anything. But now I've gone back to being terrifies of going out.

 

I've been on many forums, wrote the same post (excluding the part about today) and lots of people have said he's not worth it, forget him, concentrate on you and your daughter. This advice means nothing to me! I love my daughter and I am trying to get on with life. I'm just scared of him, I'm planning on moving to a different place far away just so I can be a proper mum. Take her to the park, have picnics and not be scared. I'm starting a Hairdressing course next month so I can get a good job (hopefully start my own business) foe my daughter. I want him to be her dad but he doesn't seem bothered, I'm actually starting to think maybe it is my fault. Am I holding him back?

 

Any advice that might actually help me would be great, please. Also, I'm sorry for this post being so long.

Edited August 18, 2014 by Pocahontas
Sorry for some bad spelling, I wanted to post this fast for advice.

[d0nnivain]

this is a very stressful situation but you do need to calm down. I doubt he's a physical threat to you. While I think what he did to you while you were pregnant was absolutely disgraceful a part of me can't help but wonder if it was the act of an immature boy who knew he didn't want to be a dad & did this stupid thing out of desperation & fear rather than true malice. You were right to get away from him & stay away but I don't at present view him as a threat to you.

 

If he ever does approach you about seeing your daughter you will need to talk to a lawyer about your legal rights. Your daughter is entitled to child support. Is he paying?

 

If he isn't paying & you'd rather just be rid of him consult a lawyer to see if you can get him to sign away his parental rights. Doing so also excuses him from paying child support. You would then be free to have your daughter adopted by a future husband should that be of concern.

[Pocahontas]

He is not paying any child support. I've never asked him about this and although I am having money problems, I don't want to ask him for this. I know he's not going to hurt me or do anything bad so I don't know why I'm scared of him. I want him to be her dad, that's why I've never thought about asking him to sign away his right. I don't want to cause any problems incase he decides he wants to be involved in the future. His names not on her birth certificate and I feel really bad about this.

 

I'm trying not to sound stupid but reading this I think I am. He chose not to be involved and we are entitled to his money but I'm just too scared. No matter how many people say he's not going to do anything, just do this or that and you'll be fine, it's just not sticking with me and I honestly don't understand why.

[d0nnivain]

It's not sinking in with you because you were on the receiving end of his violence in the past. Your experience is that he punches you & that's Scary. It should be & you are right to be wary.

 

As for the child support, it's your daughter's money. If you don't want it, fine but take it from him anyway & put every dime into an account to pay for her college 14 years from now.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Pocahontas.

Since you are not currently afraid for your physical safety, what IS it that makes you so scared of him?

 

I understand that your fear has incapacitated you for about 4.5 years now, and that initially it may well have been because of what he did, but what in the present day is helping you sustain/maintain your fear?

 

A different question to ask is: what is your fear preventing you from doing, feeling, experiencing, facing?

 

I think it's Tony Robbins who theorizes that there is always a "pay-off" for our behaviour, even if sometimes unconscious. It goes along the lines of, "If I didn't have this fear then I would have to ___________."

Once we know the "other thing" that we're afraid of, or don't really want to do or deal with, then we at least give ourselves a fighting chance for something different/better.

 

Best of luck.

[Pocahontas]

I don't know why I'm scared, I'm 90% certain that he will not physically hurt me. I think it's more mental, I've never really had much of an explanation of why he doesn't want to be a father. I think it's just my own stupid mind thinking about him and feeling hurt that he doesn't want to be around her. I think it's also just seeing him moving on with someone else, I haven't had any kind of romantic relationship since him and he's getting married. I don't think I'm completely over him in this manner and I think that could be a reason too. I don't want to be with him, I don't fancy him anymore but I still don't think I'm over him.

 

I am trying to move on, that's why I'm going back to college next month. My daughter also starts preschool next month and I'm hoping that all this will take my mind off him. I think I'm scared of being with people now, friends or more. I haven't met anyone new since him and I've not felt the urge to. I hate being scared, I want to go out without thinking and I want to play with my daughter without wishing it wasn't just me. We live with my parents so I'm not alone but it's not the same as it would be having her father around. I'm moving away next August at the latest. I can't stay and when I spent a week away from here (with my daughter and my parents) I was so happy and didn't think about him at all. Why next August? My daughter starts full time school in September 2015 and i want to leave before then so I'm not pulling her out just as she's making friends. I've been trying to stay as long as possible to save money so I know we'll be ok.

[Ronni_W]

I don't think I'm completely over him in this manner and I think that could be a reason too. I don't want to be with him, I don't fancy him anymore but I still don't think I'm over him.

Thanks for your response.

 

I think that I don't need to say that being afraid of getting hurt again, or not fully trusting again is a very different thing than telling yourself or making yourself believe that you are scared of one particular person.

 

Also, if you are not yet over him then part of it could be that you're afraid that you will get emotionally entangled with him if/when he becomes part of his daughter's life.

 

Do you have an opportunity to see a talk therapist? If there is a local university or training centre, you may be able to access their graduating students for low-cost or no-cost sessions. Given how long-term this has been, it's likely that having professional help will offer you faster and more effective relief.

 

Your long-term plan sounds terrific, well-thought out...I wish you every success.

[Pocahontas]

Thank you both for your replies. I've been thinking about getting professional help for a while but never really plucked up the courage. I just keep thinking, I'll be away from this place next year so won't have this anxiety problem - at least that's what I'm hoping.