I'm loosing my mind and just about everything else

[Photofinish]

It hasnt even been a month.

 

I lost my first love (not my first bf) officially a little more then a month ago. We had issues that we always sat down to sort out. I found myself taking blame for many things because it was his first relationship at 24. I love him so much. I wanted him to be my first. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. When things were good between us, they were great. I've never been happier with someone else (when things were good) .

 

We had made 6 months. I broke up with him about a month or two into our relationship for something stupid and it was completely my fault.... I took the blame and we worked it out. The second break up was a mutual thing . Both at fault but I was always the one reaching out to him because I loved our relationship.

 

More then a month ago I went to Dominican Republic for vacation and we fought over stupid things while I was over there. It was a really bad vacation for me because of many scary things that happened over there. My father died while I was over there. I saw his dead body being carried away. It was very traumatic so I decided to come home early from DR and left my mother and brother behind. I was physically sick and super anxious over there. I wanted to come back to be with him and my friends...

 

I came back and he was acting a little more distant then usual. I became upset with everything that had happened and made a comment about how it's easy for him to say things when he wasn't going through it. We got into an argument via FB messenger and then he began to ignore me. Something he has never done before. I called him in tears because of this telling him that I couldnt handle him anymore and all the pain he was causing me . I told him I came from DR early to be with him and my friends but he wasnt here for me . He responded with "Are you sure?" and "what do you want me to do?".

 

We broke up. The next morning I messaged him asking him for his support as a friend at least (I didnt want to crawl back to him again. I wanted him to reach out and fix things for once) and he responded with "What type of support do you need from an ex?" "it's early im trying to sleep". I asked him not to leave me physically alone. I was alone with my brother in the apartment , sleeping on the floor because I came home to bed bugs. I tried to contact him again and he began to ignore me . It hurt like hell.

 

He told me that around this time he had join Okcupid. He was getting over me so quick while I was thrown in bed in a deep depression dealing with my fathers dead and the break up . After that I contacted him a week later. I spent about 2 hours on the phone with him trying to get back with him. I felt useless , low, like garbage .He was treating me like a annoyance , yawning and not responding to me .Eventually he took me back , then the abuse began. He tried to force me to tell him that I loved him after he said "good night I love you" I wasnt ready to say it right off the bat. I was still disappointed in myself.

 

He became so angry. The next day I asked him to take me for a drive for a lesson as I needed to take over my dad's place with our car. He thought I was "trying to use him" and refuse (Later admitted it to me). I've never used him in my life. I always paid my own way when we went out. I always paid him back when he got stuff. He never offered to help me financially in any way with my problems even if it involved me unable to take my very sick hamster to the vet because I didnt have the money because my mother was in DR. We saw each other a few days later. We sat down to talk about our problems again .

 

I expressed to him how it hurt that I came back to him after all my freinds were so disappointed in me. He was angry I was disappointed in my myself. He didnt feel one bit bad that he began to ignore me less then a week after my father passed away. He expressed how he wouldn't have these problems in other relationships. It was hit after hit. I then told him I didnt want to go on birth control and he told me I didnt trust condoms. He became upset and said "Well that's a problem" . I asked him if that was okay and he said it wasnt. He said he didnt believe in waiting and that I already made him wait 6 months for sex (We never had sex.

 

We had manual sex and I would dry hump him) We were actually both going to loose our virginity to each other the day I got back but I got a weird discharge (ended up being nothing) so I held off. This was all so painful to hear because he always told me that it was fine and that I could take my time. I begged him right there at the park in tears to wait for me . He wouldnt say anything. I offered to give him oral. He kept saying how he didnt think It would work out . Eventually I calmed down and we began to talk about how we would never see each other again. At the end of the night he said he would miss me too much and would take me back. I was surprised. What was that whole scene about then? but I was just happy we were back together. He began to treat me all sweet as usual .

 

That night we went back to sq 1 as he began to explain to me all the reasons why sex before marriage is the right way to go. He told me there was no pressure , that was a lie as he then gave me all these reasons. The next day I knew what I had to do. He was manipulating me and I couldnt let myself be stepped on anymore. I called him and told him it was wrong he was manipulating me and I would never have sex with him. He hung up angerly to later call me saying that our relationship was too poison to continue. I agreed and we wished each other luck in life. Before he hung up he said "good bye I love you" . I asked him why he would say that and he said it didnt matter. It would be the last time he would say it.

 

I asked him if he would regret this and he said "maybe but that's life". that was the last time I spoke to him almost a month ago. I blocked him on Facebook. I had a friend check his fb about two weeks ago (I know . Bad. I wont do it again) and he put up a status saying,

 

"You dont know how bad something is until your out of it " -Feeling free

 

His Okcupid said how life is too short to be with people that treat you badly.

He had pictures with his friends and some Asian girl. I dont know who she is and they had no pictures together but she was there.

 

He was a quiet , maybe socially awkward person but he opened up to me more then anyone else ever. He was 24 (25 now) , working on his PHD in computer science. He lived with his parents but they had a nice place and he had a nice car. He was so sweet to me and we had SO much in common like My little pony. I actually told him I loved him and meant it. I dont think I will ever find a relationship like the one I had with him.

 

All of this has thrown me into clinical depression. I think about him 24/7. Im constantly fighting my brain to suppress these thoughts. I no longer have fun with anything and no longer find pleasure in seeing people. I barely go out, I dont eat as much (lost 6 pounds in less then a month). I feel ugly . I feel disgusted when I see men in the streets . I cry in public just about everywhere. I cry everyday almost all the time . I feel worthless. I just begin to think about how I will never find anyone like him. Mornings are the worse for me. I'm scared to wake up in the morning .

 

I think about him with other girls, having sex and oral and all the things I wouldnt do because I wasnt ready. I wanted us to be each other's first but that will never happen. I feel like all of this was my fault. I wake up at about 6 am thinking about it and fight myself to sleep until 8. I'm so tired internally. I feel very lonely as I've also lost many friends during the last month. Therapy only does so much. I've lost a piece of myself and I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to feel like this because he is so happy without me and out there chasing tail but I cant even get up from bed. I want to forget him .

 

I dont want to think about him anymore. I wish I had never met him. It's been almost a month. I should be okay but now. I'm scared I will never feel better. I cant take medication for this because I do not want to do this to my body. I'm loosing my mind and my life. I dont have motivation for anything anymore. I feel depressed and anxious all the time as my mind tortures me with the good memories I had of my ex. I miss him so bad but I know it will never work out and I know I will never hear from him again.

 

It hurts even more to know that he wasnt happy with me although he looked like it and even said I made him the happiest he has ever been . During our last break up he told him that I "made him depressed". Why? How? All I was doing was trying to fix what had happened. I gave him so much of my emotionally support. I want to feel happy again , I want to enjoy life.

 

I wish I could make these feelings go away and these memories to disappear. My mind had become my absolute worse enemy .

Edited August 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Reels]

You might be losing something better. What you have done after break up in order to get over this all?

[Photofinish]

You might be losing something better. What you have done after break up in order to get over this all?

 

What do you mean?

 

I try and go outside and see friends. I go to therapy once week . Thats about it. I try and supress these memories and I try to make myself happy but nothing is working. I end up in square one crying and packing about how its my fault.

[Ajen]

There are 2 emotional problems you are dealing with here, firstly the death of your father and secondly the end of a very special relationship.

 

 

I think you really need to work through your emotions for both of these, don't expect yourself to get over someone in a month because it wont happen especially when its obvious that you felt deeply for him. Don't hold back tears or try to supress his memory but allocate a time for you to do this e.g when your in bed before you go to sleep. It will take time but eventually you will cry less and your heart wont be as torn up.

 

 

The grief for your father has to be dealt with separately from the break up grief, at the moment it seems the 2 are intertwined. Cry if you need to about your dad, again don't feel like you have to be strong let out the emotions. Then try to focus on the positive things your father brought to your life.

 

 

You also need to redirect your focus away from your father and ex, make a list of everything you've ever wanted to do no matter how out of reach these may be. Then work through them so if you've always wanted to see a particular play go and see it, if you've always wanted to do a sculpture class do it. You need to become comfortable being alone, at the moment it seems like you are relying on other people too much, and hoping being with them will lift your mood. This may work short term but in the long run will be draining for them. This could be part of the reason your ex didn't want to stay around.

 

 

In regards to the relation with your ex, it seemed to me that once you begun to beg he lost a little respect for you (I'm sorry to put that way). Of course the reason for this was your love for him and you needed support but maybe he saw it as an opportunity to get something you were not ready for (sex). I know you care about him a lot but if someone would be so manipulative during such a distressing time then you really are better off without him. And to be blunt even if you had slept with him there is no guarantee that he would have stuck around and you would have felt much worse.

 

 

With your friends, it may have been a bit too much for them to handle as well. Again perhaps your relied on them a little to much emotionally and they couldn't sustain the friendship. As I said it can be very draining. If you want to get back in contact with this friends perhaps offer an olive branch and try and do something fun together (maybe from the list you wrote earlier). Don't talk about your ex make this something that will be enjoyable for all of you.

 

 

Focus on yourself and your grief but remember that you are worth much more than someone that only wants sex and someone that doesn't seem capable of supporting you during such a horrible time. Be selfish for a while.

 

 

Remember you wont always feel this way and one day he will just be a guy that you knew and you probably wont even remember his name (its happened to me a few times!).

[Reels]

What do you mean?

 

I try and go outside and see friends. I go to therapy once week . Thats about it. I try and supress these memories and I try to make myself happy but nothing is working. I end up in square one crying and packing about how its my fault.

Pretty evident that you both fought each other a lot. He wasn't capable and he was immature too.

 

There are people who are better than that. You may have liked this person a lot but that's not the end of the world. Human is not perfect and there are extreme chances that person would be changed by time, whether for good or bad, it is not even the matter.

 

Thinking about such person is simply waste of time.

 

What therapy BTW?

[Photofinish]

There are 2 emotional problems you are dealing with here, firstly the death of your father and secondly the end of a very special relationship.

 

 

I think you really need to work through your emotions for both of these, don't expect yourself to get over someone in a month because it wont happen especially when its obvious that you felt deeply for him. Don't hold back tears or try to supress his memory but allocate a time for you to do this e.g when your in bed before you go to sleep. It will take time but eventually you will cry less and your heart wont be as torn up.

 

 

The grief for your father has to be dealt with separately from the break up grief, at the moment it seems the 2 are intertwined. Cry if you need to about your dad, again don't feel like you have to be strong let out the emotions. Then try to focus on the positive things your father brought to your life.

 

 

You also need to redirect your focus away from your father and ex, make a list of everything you've ever wanted to do no matter how out of reach these may be. Then work through them so if you've always wanted to see a particular play go and see it, if you've always wanted to do a sculpture class do it. You need to become comfortable being alone, at the moment it seems like you are relying on other people too much, and hoping being with them will lift your mood. This may work short term but in the long run will be draining for them. This could be part of the reason your ex didn't want to stay around.

 

 

In regards to the relation with your ex, it seemed to me that once you begun to beg he lost a little respect for you (I'm sorry to put that way). Of course the reason for this was your love for him and you needed support but maybe he saw it as an opportunity to get something you were not ready for (sex). I know you care about him a lot but if someone would be so manipulative during such a distressing time then you really are better off without him. And to be blunt even if you had slept with him there is no guarantee that he would have stuck around and you would have felt much worse.

 

 

With your friends, it may have been a bit too much for them to handle as well. Again perhaps your relied on them a little to much emotionally and they couldn't sustain the friendship. As I said it can be very draining. If you want to get back in contact with this friends perhaps offer an olive branch and try and do something fun together (maybe from the list you wrote earlier). Don't talk about your ex make this something that will be enjoyable for all of you.

 

 

Focus on yourself and your grief but remember that you are worth much more than someone that only wants sex and someone that doesn't seem capable of supporting you during such a horrible time. Be selfish for a while.

 

 

Remember you wont always feel this way and one day he will just be a guy that you knew and you probably wont even remember his name (its happened to me a few times!).

 

Yes I know. It's just very hurtful because of the way he is acting post break up because I actually believed we had something special. I guess not since I made him depressed somehow. I guess not . He said he used to sex thing in order for me to break up with him. Still manipulative I guess.

 

My friends and I stopped talking (2 different friends) for reasons outside of my ex. They werent the best friends and I took alot of their crap because I wanted to be a good friend. I wanted to make a stand for myself post break up so I began to cut bad people from my life. One of the friends was only with me during my father's dead /breakup because while we are not friends, we agreed to always be there for each other. It's a long story. I dont depend on my friend emotionally much anymore . I try not to mention my ex (cant help it sometimes). I'm actually considering staying away from people for a long time. I'm just too depressing.

 

I'm actually really broke (I spend alot of money going out with my ex. He didnt really pay for much) so I cant really do much. I'm trying to still stick to my hobbies though.

 

I really really hope your right. I want to be over him and forget. I really want to forget his name and I pray that there are better men out there for me although I just find it so hard because I'm so picky. I'm a very different kind of person and dont really click with just anyone.

[Photofinish]

Pretty evident that you both fought each other a lot. He wasn't capable and he was immature too.

 

There are people who are better than that. You may have liked this person a lot but that's not the end of the world. Human is not perfect and there are extreme chances that person would be changed by time, whether for good or bad, it is not even the matter.

 

Thinking about such person is simply waste of time.

 

What therapy BTW?

 

It's not even "like" . He was my first love and I tried so hard to make it work.

 

You're right. Thinking of someone who did me wrong is a waste of time but the self esteem hit I feel is permanent . I just...feel so ugly now. I feel like im not worth an educated and successful man. I have too many flaws .

 

I'm not sure how to answer the therapy question. My original therapist is out for a month so I see a counselor (she had a PHD in Psychology) at my college for now .

[Reels]

It's not even "like" . He was my first love and I tried so hard to make it work.

 

You're right. Thinking of someone who did me wrong is a waste of time but the self esteem hit I feel is permanent . I just...feel so ugly now. I feel like im not worth an educated and successful man. I have too many flaws .

 

I'm not sure how to answer the therapy question. My original therapist is out for a month so I see a counselor (she had a PHD in Psychology) at my college for now .

What is the aim of the therapy?

 

That's what I asked.

[Photofinish]

What is the aim of the therapy?

 

That's what I asked.

 

I originally started going for my OCD/anxiety .

[Ajen]

Yes I know. It's just very hurtful because of the way he is acting post break up because I actually believed we had something special. I guess not since I made him depressed somehow. I guess not . He said he used to sex thing in order for me to break up with him. Still manipulative I guess.

 

My friends and I stopped talking (2 different friends) for reasons outside of my ex. They werent the best friends and I took alot of their crap because I wanted to be a good friend. I wanted to make a stand for myself post break up so I began to cut bad people from my life. One of the friends was only with me during my father's dead /breakup because while we are not friends, we agreed to always be there for each other. It's a long story. I dont depend on my friend emotionally much anymore . I try not to mention my ex (cant help it sometimes). I'm actually considering staying away from people for a long time. I'm just too depressing.

 

I'm actually really broke (I spend alot of money going out with my ex. He didnt really pay for much) so I cant really do much. I'm trying to still stick to my hobbies though.

 

I really really hope your right. I want to be over him and forget. I really want to forget his name and I pray that there are better men out there for me although I just find it so hard because I'm so picky. I'm a very different kind of person and dont really click with just anyone.

 

There is nothing wrong with being picky I am and I'd rather that then settle for someone who isn't right for me. Don't stay away from people I know you feel like it but try not to get into the habit of being alone because that is a hard thing to break. I don't know what city you live in but maybe go to museums that are free. Is there a Time Out magazine for your city if so see what they have that is free. You will forget him eventually just give yourself time. And there is nothing wrong with mentioning your ex its normal for his name to slip out but just be mindful of not getting into the habit of talking about him, otherwise you may think more about him. Hope it all goes well for you.

[Reels]

I originally started going for my OCD/anxiety .

May not work as good because it is usually for those who are old aged. For them there is no other solution, but you have got many ways to deal.

[Photofinish]

There is nothing wrong with being picky I am and I'd rather that then settle for someone who isn't right for me. Don't stay away from people I know you feel like it but try not to get into the habit of being alone because that is a hard thing to break. I don't know what city you live in but maybe go to museums that are free. Is there a Time Out magazine for your city if so see what they have that is free. You will forget him eventually just give yourself time. And there is nothing wrong with mentioning your ex its normal for his name to slip out but just be mindful of not getting into the habit of talking about him, otherwise you may think more about him. Hope it all goes well for you.

 

Yes but being picky just means ill be single for a very very long time... Maybe forever. I dont see myself dating again. Its scary and I dont think theres someone for me out there.

School is starting soon. I should be okay.

 

Thank you

[Photofinish]

May not work as good because it is usually for those who are old aged. For them there is no other solution, but you have got many ways to deal.

 

Therapy is for older people? Im 22. Not exactly a kid.

[Reels]

Therapy is for older people? Im 22. Not exactly a kid.

 

Yes, it is for much older, like 50+.

[Photofinish]

Yes, it is for much older, like 50+.

 

Talk therapy? As a psychology major I never learned that. What other choices do I have other then counseling?

[DorothyGale]

Yes, it is for much older, like 50+.

 

What are you talking about???? Children go to therapy.

[Itspointless]

May not work as good because it is usually for those who are old aged. For them there is no other solution, but you have got many ways to deal.

 

Children and adolescents their minds are still in development, but that does not mean that forms of therapy can't be helpful to them. Especially when they have experienced traumatic events it is of importance to make sure that a healthy development is stimulated. This can be done with different forms of therapy that best suits that child. When you are older there are more fixed neural patterns, but luckily there is a process we call neuroplasticity: the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life.

[Photofinish]

I cant imagine not going to therapy

 

Therapy has really helped me through this breakup + my father's passing .It's nice to talk to someone whose job it is to listen to you . I'm going to need alot of therapy after this relationship considering the emotional abuse and pressure for sex . Men are scary for me now and just the thought of sex or the mention of it makes me feel sick .

[Itspointless]

I cant imagine not going to therapy

 

Therapy has really helped me through this breakup + my father's passing .It's nice to talk to someone whose job it is to listen to you . I'm going to need alot of therapy after this relationship considering the emotional abuse and pressure for sex . Men are scary for me now and just the thought of sex or the mention of it makes me feel sick .

Hi Photofinish. You are doing the right thing considering everything you have been through. It is hard to loose a parent when your young (I have been through that myself). I am happy that you found help to hep you with this. Somewhere in the future life will be better for you with better experiences, I am sure.

[Photofinish]

Hi Photofinish. You are doing the right thing considering everything you have been through. It is hard to loose a parent when your young (I have been through that myself). I am happy that you found help to hep you with this. Somewhere in the future life will be better for you with better experiences, I am sure.

 

I am really happy I have that option . I constantly have a battle going on in my head about the whole break up. It sorta goes like this ,

 

"It's my fault that he broke up with me ! I was too much to handle emotionally"

 

"No Photo, it wasnt your fault. He should've understood and been there for you but he manipulated you instead"

 

"But I pushed him to it and that's why he treated me the way he did. Why should he have to put up with my emotional distress? "

 

"Because he said he loved you and someone who loves you would've understood vs ignoring you like that. He is an evil person."

 

"No! He was the one. Maybe my life partner and I chased him away! Now he hates me . I'll never find anyone like him again.

 

" You can and you will. You dont need him. He humiliated you in public and played with your heart/head. He got caught up in the honey moon phase . Your father died and rather then be there with you during his memorial service, he was partying it up with his friends. He never actually cared for you. If he did he would've at least stuck around at least until you were able to eat again. Why would he make you go through this in combination with your father's passing? He made you sound like a problem. You had one anger our burst months ago. You made it right . You had an emotional break down because he was ignoring you . You did nothing wrong to deserve what he did. He kept trying to change you. You kept changing for him and continually admit that you're depressing and making changes in your attitude for him "

 

I really need a way to stop this fight. It's really tiring and it keeps me up at night . I feel a little crazy lol.

 

I remember your post , pointless. It must have been tough to lose your mother at such a young age. I'm 22 so I feel like I am a little more mentally understanding and I didnt really have a close relationship with my father. There was actually alot of fighting because of the neglect he had on the financial issues of my life (He didnt really support us and as a result I have lived in a tiny apartment my whole life in a very bad area.) . I actually wanted him to leave my home many times because he would fight with my mother 24/7 . I think the whole experience (Seeing him being carried away dead, my mother screaming) has been more emotionally impacting as well as adapting to the change in the family. I think you could relate to the last part .

Edited August 15, 2014 by Photofinish

[Photofinish]

Update:

 

I was doing really well actually. Feeling a whole ton load better today until I was looking back at some old pictures and saw he had a new profile picture...I asked my friend to check... He went to a convention in another state ... I remember he had met a girl at another con that he cosplayed with. She had invited him to do this cosplay from an anime while he was with me and he refused because he was with me ...Well he had that cosplay on...With her.... It hasnt even been a month and he has already done a cosplay with another girl.

 

I'm back to square one. I'm depressed again and I feel like canceling on going to my friend's BBQ tomorrow. I feel terrible. It's not fair. He gets to go to a con that I cannot afford. He is with a new woman that cosplays as well...Shes prob a lot more fun then me. He prob stayed in a hotel room with her.He did a cosplay with her.....It hurts so much. I'm back down in the hole again. I want to go to cons! I want to be happy with a guy cosplaying with him!! it's not fair!!

[Reels]

 

Children and adolescents their minds are still in development, but that does not mean that forms of therapy can't be helpful to them. Especially when they have experienced traumatic events it is of importance to make sure that a healthy development is stimulated. This can be done with different forms of therapy that best suits that child. When you are older there are more fixed neural patterns, but luckily there is a process we call neuroplasticity: the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life.

I hope that is true.

[Reels]

Update:

 

I was doing really well actually. Feeling a whole ton load better today until I was looking back at some old pictures and saw he had a new profile picture...I asked my friend to check... He went to a convention in another state ... I remember he had met a girl at another con that he cosplayed with. She had invited him to do this cosplay from an anime while he was with me and he refused because he was with me ...Well he had that cosplay on...With her.... It hasnt even been a month and he has already done a cosplay with another girl.

 

I'm back to square one. I'm depressed again and I feel like canceling on going to my friend's BBQ tomorrow. I feel terrible. It's not fair. He gets to go to a con that I cannot afford. He is with a new woman that cosplays as well...Shes prob a lot more fun then me. He prob stayed in a hotel room with her.He did a cosplay with her.....It hurts so much. I'm back down in the hole again. I want to go to cons! I want to be happy with a guy cosplaying with him!! it's not fair!!

 

Sounds ridiculous. He hurt you once, but you will hurt yourself as much as you will think about it.

 

You should be happy that you didn't got married to such person.

[Itspointless]

I remember your post , pointless. It must have been tough to lose your mother at such a young age. I'm 22 so I feel like I am a little more mentally understanding and I didnt really have a close relationship with my father. There was actually alot of fighting because of the neglect he had on the financial issues of my life (He didnt really support us and as a result I have lived in a tiny apartment my whole life in a very bad area.) . I actually wanted him to leave my home many times because he would fight with my mother 24/7 . I think the whole experience (Seeing him being carried away dead, my mother screaming) has been more emotionally impacting as well as adapting to the change in the family. I think you could relate to the last part .

Ah yes, I already told you. I mention it sometimes to assure people that things will get better. I was only a few years younger than you. I can relate to what you are saying, as the departure isn't the hardest part, it were all the hard/awful memories of the years before that hit you like a brick and the way everybody around you changes when s/he is not there anymore. I felt like I had died myself and had to find out again who I was. I think it is important for you to ask your therapist for exercises where you learn to meditate; learn to become quiet. We are a lot more than our head and our head isn't always our best friend.

 

I hope that is true.

I can assure you, it is true.

[Photofinish]

Sounds ridiculous. He hurt you once, but you will hurt yourself as much as you will think about it.

 

You should be happy that you didn't got married to such person.

 

I cant help but think about it. I thought about it all night last night and only slept for about an hour. I felt sick to my stomach too. I thought I was pretty special. A girl whose into these things and cosplays. I figured he wouldnt find that easy. Pfff yeah right! Hasnt even been a whole month and he is away at cons doing that with woman. He never cared for me. Im loosing it.. I never get to go to these far away cons and he does. Its not fair. I want to have a relationship like that again. its just not fair.......