Coping When You Damaged Relationship

[Cupid's Puppet]

I felt compelled to write this post this morning because there may be a soul out there like me who is finding it especially difficult to cope after causing harm to your ex. You have to cope with the loss of your ex and cope with the guilt that you destroyed your relationship in some way. You're not going to find many in your boat. That's obviously a good thing, but a bad thing in that we have no one to relate to.

 

You may have emotionally or physically abused your S/O. You may have cheated. Or your mood swings, insecurities, bad breath, etc. may have led to the destruction.

 

I just want to say you are not alone. If you haven't asked your ex for forgiveness and tried to make amends, then do so. If your ex never forgives you, then you have to accept that. Know that some people get hurt and never receive an apology. So that's a huge step for you.

 

Now don't pester your ex because you can't live with the guilt. Free that person from you. Allow them to move on. Don't let them remain dependent on you. It will hurt you both. It will hurt you because you will interpret the ongoing communication as "my ex may give me another chance". No, they won't. Go no contact so you can both heal quicker.

 

Then start to work on yourself. Take a moment to be kind to others each day. It will help you to know you are a good person that made terrible mistakes in your past. It sucks that our ex had to suffer with the old us. But they will find someone better for them, and with changes, we may find someone better for us. Even if we don't, we will at least grow old knowing we continued through life as kinder, much improved persons.

 

Don't beat yourself up over and over again. You will regret letting this time go by because you stayed focused on your regrets. Start to establish goals for yourself, and hopefully by next year around this time, you will look back and realize you came a long way.

[Reels]

I never damaged any relationship. I never believed that a person who has damaged or badly broken up their own relationship of love would live happily, guess I was right.

[Feelbettersoon]

Going through this right now.

I damaged my relationship and was told many times I was doing it but I was too blind to listen. I was jealous and insecure due to external stresses and took it out on my love. It's a horrible feeling

[Peacock_Tail]

Thanks for your post.

 

I have to add to it that some of the kindest, most loyal, loving and great persons I've met in this life were people who made mistakes/bad choices in the past. They know what is to lose someone because of their bad decisions which sometimes involved hurting others. They learnt it the hard way and they changed over the years and become awesome individuals. So I think it's never too late to start again and be thankful and show compassion for others. We all mess up sometimes (specially in relationships) but there is much more in this life than romantic love, a whole world full of opportunities to learn, help, and enjoy is all around us.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Peacock_Tail

[Itspointless]

They know what is to lose someone because of their bad decisions which sometimes involved hurting others.

On purpose, or not? One of my favourite movies is about this and it is called after your location info: 'Paris, Texas' (Paris, Texas (1984) - IMDb)

[Cupid's Puppet]

I never damaged any relationship. I never believed that a person who has damaged or badly broken up their own relationship of love would live happily, guess I was right.

 

What was the intention of this post? Because the intention of my post was to uplift someone today. Of course when you do something bad the consequences will be bad. It's called the law of cause and effect, or what some people like to call karma. But I disagree that a person will go the rest of his/her life unhappy.

 

Have you seen the divorce rate? By your logic very few people will live happily ever after. People break hearts and find love again all the time. Sometimes with the person whose heart they broke. The love can be found in another relationship or through helping others. So I don't know if you wish for us to have terrible lives, but it does the world no good to have more people living terribly.

[Reels]

What was the intention of this post? Because the intention of my post was to uplift someone today. Of course when you do something bad the consequences will be bad. It's called the law of cause and effect, or what some people like to call karma. But I disagree that a person will go the rest of his/her life unhappy.

 

Have you seen the divorce rate? By your logic very few people will live happily ever after. People break hearts and find love again all the time. Sometimes with the person whose heart they broke. The love can be found in another relationship or through helping others. So I don't know if you wish for us to have terrible lives, but it does the world no good to have more people living terribly.

My intention was to clear my confusion that I used to had.

 

Per karma, it depends upon what person has done. Sometimes even one life is not enough for suffering.

[Justaguy30]

Thank you for sharing Cupid, I feel that my ex may feel the same way as you do. We were absolutely perfect for each other but the things that happened just ruined us as partners and friends. I would forgive her but I don't think she could live with what she did. I still love her and its very hard. I hope my ex thinks the way you do. All the best

[Justaguy30]

I will tell you this, after being lied to cheated on and beat up by my ex GF I am still in pain and still think about the situation. I would love nothing more than to be with her again but I fear she would just do the same thing to me.. Your ex isn't just angry at you he is likely incredibly hurt.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Yes, he was very hurt, and I wanted nothing more than to help him heal from the situation. But like you, he too did not want to set himself up for hurt again, and I respected his decision. I don't really wish to be back with him because the damage has been done. But the loss is very difficult to cope with. It's like a bad romance novel. Everything is good till you get to the end where the author just threw some crap together or the two lovers do not live happily ever after. Would you recommend such a book to someone? Yeah...that's my story. A beautiful romance with a tragic ending.

[Justaguy30]

Can I ask you a question, why did you ruin everything? You knew what you were doing was going to mess up the relationship you wanted so badly.

[MrWorkinProgress]

Can I ask you a question, why did you ruin everything? You knew what you were doing was going to mess up the relationship you wanted so badly.

 

I don't think most people want to ruin a relationship, or do things that will. I think people have habits and emotional go-tos when feelings are running high, and unless they can learn ways to recognize and manage those in the moment, they just happen.

 

These usually aren't the extreme cases of hitting your S/O, either. They're more little things like yelling when we're angry or arguing to "win". Or maybe paranoia around your S/O, and even though intellectually you're able to tell yourself you're being paranoid, the paranoid feelings are still there. How often, when you've been angry, have you thought to yourself, "Now I'm going to yell." Odds are you didn't: you just yelled.

 

It's amazing how ingrained these things are by genetics, childhood development, and behaviors that have been modeled for us. My mother is a maelstrom of self-talk: she'd be so much happier of a person if she got out of her own head. I can completely see this behavior in her, but sure enough, I do much more self-talk than most. On a couple of occasions I've even slapped myself trying to get myself to stop.

 

None of this is to excuse anyone's behavior. I'm just recognizing how ingrained and automatic many of these things are, and therefore the difficulty of recognizing them and learning the tools to keep them from destroying our relationships. I think most people basically want to do the right thing -- otherwise they wouldn't feel guilty after the fact -- but find themselves continuing to screw up their relationships. I think that's what OP was getting at.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Can I ask you a question, why did you ruin everything? You knew what you were doing was going to mess up the relationship you wanted so badly.

 

I didn't know that. I didn't know a lot of things at the time. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. I'm sure if any of us walked around with a crystal ball we would never make mistakes in our lives.

[signalmtn]

This is exactly what I am going through. A beautiful relationship destroyed by my bad behavior. 8 years of marriage ruined by my insecurities and fear. I've taken time to heal myself, but the pain remains of how easy it was to lose her. I've already embraced the kinder, more gentle me that she fell in love with. It's going to be a long hard road, but I keep trying every day.

[Justaguy30]

My ex cheated on me and I could never really let go of it and was always paranoid about her doing it. It ruined our relationship but then again she would never just says sorry to me. Next time haha

[singsparkles]

I felt compelled to write this post this morning because there may be a soul out there like me who is finding it especially difficult to cope after causing harm to your ex. You have to cope with the loss of your ex and cope with the guilt that you destroyed your relationship in some way. You're not going to find many in your boat. That's obviously a good thing, but a bad thing in that we have no one to relate to.

 

You may have emotionally or physically abused your S/O. You may have cheated. Or your mood swings, insecurities, bad breath, etc. may have led to the destruction.

 

I just want to say you are not alone. If you haven't asked your ex for forgiveness and tried to make amends, then do so. If your ex never forgives you, then you have to accept that. Know that some people get hurt and never receive an apology. So that's a huge step for you.

 

Now don't pester your ex because you can't live with the guilt. Free that person from you. Allow them to move on. Don't let them remain dependent on you. It will hurt you both. It will hurt you because you will interpret the ongoing communication as "my ex may give me another chance". No, they won't. Go no contact so you can both heal quicker.

 

Then start to work on yourself. Take a moment to be kind to others each day. It will help you to know you are a good person that made terrible mistakes in your past. It sucks that our ex had to suffer with the old us. But they will find someone better for them, and with changes, we may find someone better for us. Even if we don't, we will at least grow old knowing we continued through life as kinder, much improved persons.

 

Don't beat yourself up over and over again. You will regret letting this time go by because you stayed focused on your regrets. Start to establish goals for yourself, and hopefully by next year around this time, you will look back and realize you came a long way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm going through the EXACT thing you're going through with an ex, feeling guilty and horrible and feeling like I screwed things up... but this post was very inspirational to me, such a good insight on the situation. I think we all learn from our mistakes so we can be even better the next time around, for the next person, so the next person can get the best of us. If someone doesn't forgive you for your mistakes, it's obviously not meant to be, and it's time to move on and find someone who will love you unconditionally. Who wants to be in a relationship where their love has restrictions and limits and you're constantly feeling like they're going to break up with you for every little thing? It's best to move on, learn from our lessons, and find someone amazing who we can give the best of ourselves to! Thank you for sharing your post, it definitely inspired me tonight and made me feel less alone and gave me strength!