Two months NC

[OwMyEyeball]

The past two weeks have been rough. Having returned home from a busy 6-week project I came down with a nagging cold that kept me generally inactive. Now I'm in a slump that's largely of my own making; cold or no cold.

 

That makes me vulnerable. And it makes me long for my ex all the more. I wonder: How will those feelings morph as my health improves and I'm able to return to a more active lifestyle? Will she fade from memory further? Am I confusing vulnerability for love?

 

I crave her presence and affection. I want to hold her tightly in my arms and never let go. I simply want to be with her. I want to apologize for times I would withdraw emotionally; be unavailable. Be unloving while still in love. I was suffering pain that I didn't know how to process in a healthy, positive way. And even though I was keeping all those feelings bottled up that didn't stop them - stop me - from hurting her indirectly. She saw a man who she had always known as full of vim and vigour descend into a state she didn't recognize; one that triggered within her all sorts of painful memories from a past she had slowly been sharing with me.

 

She always had the maturity to tell me how she was feeling - the good and the bad emotions. Sometimes she could explain from where they stemmed, other times she couldn't. But at least she never left me wondering "Why is she acting this way?". She wore her heart on her sleeve. I'd only keep mine out when it was pumping with vitality then hurry to tuck it away when it slowed.

 

She had more courage than I. She was willing to make herself vulnerable. To be intimate. I was far more cautious, fearful that exposure of my true self would scare her away. That I would lose her. Just as much, I had deluded myself into believing I was a fully intact man whose emotional foundation was rock solid. The deep chasm in my soul had never been truly filled. I had built a magnificent house of cards over top of it and convinced myself that it was indestructible.

 

And no, I'm not putting her onto a pedestal. She has her own flaws that in some ways mirror my own. We both have very low true self-esteem. At the basest of our being we feel unworthy of love. And we each cope with that hollowness in our own different ways. We developed different mechanisms, unique to our own life circumstances and experiences. We adapted in ways that made our self-esteem contingent on external validation. And when that validation goes away, which is inevitable, so does our joy. Fear, shame and anger roll in.

 

In a way it's good the relationship ended. The experience is allowing me to see aspects of myself I never fully realized were there. Part of me wants to reach out to her; to share what I'm discovering. Yet I feel that would be a repeat of what brought us together in the first place - two wounded souls trying to repair in the other what we would not even dare to unearth in ourselves. I'm far from healed. Very far. Possibly a lifetime away. But at least I'm getting a start.

 

I don't know where she's at in her life. Part of me is afraid to ask. I fear rejection. The option for friendship is one that I lack the emotional maturity to pursue. It wouldn't be a true platonic friendship. I can see that working for a couple who were deeply intimate with each other and eventually realized that they were simply incompatible - their values, core beliefs and ambitions simply didn't line up to form a lasting relationship. At this point things are still too raw for accurate, objective revision. I can't see things for how they really are.

 

Contact now would be purely selfish. I would be reaching out in the foolhardy belief that somehow I could set things right. But whatever conversations and exchanges I fantasize over in my head will come crashing down when reality steps in and the unexpected emerges.

 

One step at a time.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Reels]

Not that you will ever forget her, but you will probably find a lot better things to do. You will realize everyday that world is far bigger than you may have thought once.

[scobro]

Im on 1 month no contact 4 months of not seeing her and its hard.I have my good days and bad too.I still feel the anxiety in my stomach and always as soon as I wake up....hate this feeling:mad: