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New boyfriend, still in love with ex


yeahhh15

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My ex and I were together for a year. We lived together, we liked the same music, we coexisted beautifully. We were perfect together. But he had no job. He was confused about his future, and lacked effort to continue to be with me. I moved away and 6 months of our relationship was long distance. It was hell. He refused to do simple things to survive, like get himself a job and take care of himself. Pay rent.. eat. I felt like his last priority. I felt like he wasn't trying whatsoever. We had to break up. Recently, Ive gotten a new boyfriend. However, all I can do is think of my ex. Stalk him. Watch what he posts. I cant spend a moment not thinking about my ex. I know if i tried to go back, it'd all be the same. And my new boyfriend is perfect. How do I get my ex out of my head????!

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organizedchaos
My ex and I were together for a year. We lived together, we liked the same music, we coexisted beautifully. We were perfect together. But he had no job. He was confused about his future, and lacked effort to continue to be with me. I moved away and 6 months of our relationship was long distance. It was hell. He refused to do simple things to survive, like get himself a job and take care of himself. Pay rent.. eat. I felt like his last priority. I felt like he wasn't trying whatsoever. We had to break up. Recently, Ive gotten a new boyfriend. However, all I can do is think of my ex. Stalk him. Watch what he posts. I cant spend a moment not thinking about my ex. I know if i tried to go back, it'd all be the same. And my new boyfriend is perfect. How do I get my ex out of my head????!

 

To answer your question. Stop stalking him! Out of sight out of mind.

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Ya, stop stalking him.

 

This is why I refuse to get seriously involved with someone. I need time for myself after my last BU. Because I know I can't give 100% in a RS right now and honestly, I just don't want to be in one anyway.

 

It's not fair to your current boyfriend to be obsessing over your ex.

 

I think you should be single for a while.

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As someone who has been on the receiving end with a BF not over his ex... Yes, please take time to mourn, process your feelings, find acceptance that it's over. Love and romantic relationships are like an addiction, a drug. Once you quit it, you need time to heal, reprogram your thought process, brain chemistry.

 

The only way (common sense here people!) to do that is NC, keeping busy, support of dear friends and family, venting, journaling, exercising, etc.

 

And TIME. Alone. Not rebounding. That is irresponsible and disrespectful to yourself and the new person! How can we focus on ourselves, and a new relationship, if another still in our head in a consuming way?

 

My ex had this issue. He denied it, said he was ready for exclusive relationship. He was not. He "stuffed" his feelings her, tried to have a healthy (so he thought!) thing with me, all the while dealing with her not having boundaries, him not saying NO to her, him dreaming of her, considered and if had choice (she doesn't want him-he cheated on her) wanted to reconcile with her. Even wanted to have another child with her! So addictive and co dependent. Yuck.

So glad I'm out of that Fed up situation!

 

Love yourself, find YOU, keep busy, enjoy being single while you can! That's a blessing! I'm doing the same! Freedom, baby!

 

You will only hurt yourself and most of all, someone else, if you enter into a new relationship carrying too much baggage. Unload some, most of it first. That's part of learning after a BU, and being a mature, responsible grown up. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Would you like it if someone treated you like that? They said they OK, ready, and then they withheld personal stuff that can affect a new relationship? Not fair or mature. Lying. And lying means no respect.

 

Get healthy yourself. Only then do you have a chance at a healthy thing with another. And it goes both ways. Love yourself enough to walk away from

anyone with too much baggage, negativity, blaming others, not over their past or ex. RUN, don't walk. And NEVER go where you are not wanted!

 

A relationship should be easy, fun, not a "project". All done with that crap myself. Live and learn! My only project is MYSELF!

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OwMyEyeball

It's understandable that you feel this way about your ex. You may want to explore further why that is as you properly grieve the loss.

 

As others have suggested, you must cut all contact with him to help in this process. Checking in on him, directly (e.g. texting) or indirectly (fb profile), will only add to the emotional confusion. Your healing will be severely hampered.

 

Ask yourself very honestly: How would you feel if your current boyfriend was still obsessing over his ex? How would you feel that the person taking priority over his thoughts and emotions was not you, but a past lover?

 

You owe it to him - the new boyfriend - to be open about what you're feeling right now and what you're doing to let those feelings move on. He can't be in the dark about this; not if you're both intending for this relationship to be for the long haul. You're being deeply unfair to him by trying to bury or rush the healing process. All the guilt, confusion, angst and slew of other painful emotions can never truly be buried and will manifest themselves in ways that will hurt you both.

 

There's no easy out. But there is a better path that will lead to a more enriching experience.

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Just FYI - my ex was, and hopefully is still, doing some work to overcome his addition to his ex wife. SOME work, I'll say that. A lot of talking, therapy, etc. but after 9 months with him, no real action being taken to make new boundaries with her, make me feel like our relationship was a priority. He consumed by trying to love me, and still love her, too, because he feels he "owes" her something bc they married for so long, kids together, he cheated on her, he feels shame, guilt, etc. And she uses that to her advantage, manipulates him, gets her way in many areas. She acts as if she still has some "control" over his life, and he just doesn't have the balls right now to stand up to her and tell her to "F OFF, we are divorced! New boundaries!" Tell her, NO.

 

He's of the mindset: Once you love someone, you love them forever." That fairy tale, "magical" crap. Whatever. He's younger than me and immature in many ways. And hasn't been in many relationships. Sure, slept with a ton of women, but not real, deep, meaningful, intimate relationships. And he just blew it with me...First great, healthy relationship, best friend. His loss...

 

Just your losses. Learn from the past. Move forward. Everyone will be happier that way.

 

And you and the new person, and also any new person who enters your exes life - deserves that separation and new boundaries. That is what healthy people do...

 

Good luck!

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love yourself, find you, keep busy, enjoy being single while you can! That's a blessing! I'm doing the same! Freedom, baby!

 

 

^^^boom^^^

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