Almost over him and the relationship as a whole

[BridgetGrey]

I never thought I would get here, but here I am recovering from the addiction I had to ex. We haven't really being contacted for a month and the break up was a done deal 3 months ago. What help is what hurt me the most is that my ex did not want the relationship anymore and I had a sinking feeling about this when the communication died down and we were doing long distance. I did the walking away and addressing things better than him did in a classy manner stating the cracks I saw in the relationship mainly long distance and the different life stages.

 

The funny thing is that right now I been giving the ignoring him treatment and the kinda indifferent and this kinda bothers him , dunoo if he is genuine caring or pity

 

But yeah I'm finally there almost sometime but I'm there by reflecting and realizing you know what people walk in and out of your life and relationship expires. It happens and my ex stopped bringing joy into my life months ago,so this is why I don't contact him anymore because he can't help me anymore. He has own life and I have mine and it's not awesome right now , but it will get better.

 

 

and I don't miss him anymore because I associate him with pain and misery and weakness mainly and there was a time where I thought I would go back to him ,but now NEVER I deserve better. I deserve someone who will stay and not give up one under any circumstances.

[Reels]

You may feel for now, that you don't miss him anymore, very soon you may think otherwise. It will keep going on for few months, years, just have a watch over yourself.

[Missy0724]

I'm going thru the same. Little over a month, few weeks NC. But the NC is def helping! And support from friends, this website, staying busy with my own, great life that I kind of forgot I had...getting lost a bit in this "addiction" for last 9 months. rrrggg. But yes, live and learn. All part of the journey.

 

I know how you feel! I cried and cried and cried for first few weeks. This last week I've felt anger and have come to realize some things, now that I can think clearly, not be distracted by his charm, trying to be "friends" with me, which was a bunch of crap. From our last two conversations, it was clear that he just wanted to be friends to appease himself, look good to others, relief his guilt of ending things, and also for being a jerk last few months of the relationship; lots of mixed messages, wrong decisions were made, when he knew things were on the outs. Lots of red flags I ignored. I take responsibility for that.

 

I've just had a clearer picture of him, and who and what he really is now. Thinking of the negative things, vs the good memories. That really helps.

The relationship ended for a reason! I am concentrating on that!

 

I am trying to accept he just wasn't on same time line as me, not as mature as me, very different values and backgrounds, wasn't ready for an exclusive, serious relationship, not over his ex or past, still in therapy every week for that. Which is fine. But not seeing any progress or changes regarding his feelings for ex, and not making me feel like our relationship or future a priority to him.

 

Accepting he just didn't feel as I did. He didn't see a future with me. He was just going along, getting what he wanted and needed, what worked for him, while he still in recovery from his addiction to his ex, among other things...

 

Accepting and forgiving myself for choosing a man like that, and to put myself into that mix and drama. Which is NOT my thing at all. But he was charming...and I was vulnerable I suppose, two years out of my own divorce...

 

I'm better. And stronger every day. I hope you are, too! I hope you can be gentle on yourself and love yourself. And it's OK to make the wrong choices. Because those choices teach us, and will lead us to the RIGHT person, in the right time. He's out there for us! But we have to have that faith that it's just not our time yet. And smile because some day it will be. And ALL the greatest things are worth waiting for. No rush! :-) Love ourselves, take time for ourselves! And people in our lives who REALLY love us, because they show us every day, and don't bail when things get tough, when the "honeymoon" phase is over. rrrggg...That's a boy, not a man. No thanks!!!

[BridgetGrey]

You may feel for now, that you don't miss him anymore, very soon you may think otherwise. It will keep going on for few months, years, just have a watch over yourself.

 

 

Yes I admit I was crying yesterday because I checked his FB , but I learned to stop doing that and unfollow him and be in peace that he is no longer in my life. He messages and comments on my stuff more than I would do. But I know better than to ever reach out to him because he can not help me anymore.

[scobro]

Its been 4 months for me and I still go through the emotional roller coater thinking Im over her then get hit like a ton of bricks with sadness and wanting her back.I have to associate pain with her to help me get through the down times.

[BridgetGrey]

I'm going thru the same. Little over a month, few weeks NC. But the NC is def helping! And support from friends, this website, staying busy with my own, great life that I kind of forgot I had...getting lost a bit in this "addiction" for last 9 months. rrrggg. But yes, live and learn. All part of the journey.

 

I know how you feel! I cried and cried and cried for first few weeks. This last week I've felt anger and have come to realize some things, now that I can think clearly, not be distracted by his charm, trying to be "friends" with me, which was a bunch of crap. From our last two conversations, it was clear that he just wanted to be friends to appease himself, look good to others, relief his guilt of ending things, and also for being a jerk last few months of the relationship; lots of mixed messages, wrong decisions were made, when he knew things were on the outs. Lots of red flags I ignored. I take responsibility for that.

 

I've just had a clearer picture of him, and who and what he really is now. Thinking of the negative things, vs the good memories. That really helps.

The relationship ended for a reason! I am concentrating on that!

 

I am trying to accept he just wasn't on same time line as me, not as mature as me, very different values and backgrounds, wasn't ready for an exclusive, serious relationship, not over his ex or past, still in therapy every week for that. Which is fine. But not seeing any progress or changes regarding his feelings for ex, and not making me feel like our relationship or future a priority to him.

 

Accepting he just didn't feel as I did. He didn't see a future with me. He was just going along, getting what he wanted and needed, what worked for him, while he still in recovery from his addiction to his ex, among other things...

 

Accepting and forgiving myself for choosing a man like that, and to put myself into that mix and drama. Which is NOT my thing at all. But he was charming...and I was vulnerable I suppose, two years out of my own divorce...

 

I'm better. And stronger every day. I hope you are, too! I hope you can be gentle on yourself and love yourself. And it's OK to make the wrong choices. Because those choices teach us, and will lead us to the RIGHT person, in the right time. He's out there for us! But we have to have that faith that it's just not our time yet. And smile because some day it will be. And ALL the greatest things are worth waiting for. No rush! :-) Love ourselves, take time for ourselves! And people in our lives who REALLY love us, because they show us every day, and don't bail when things get tough, when the "honeymoon" phase is over. rrrggg...That's a boy, not a man. No thanks!!!

 

Thank you *hugs*

I can feel your pain. Even though I was in different situation a tiny bit, but a lot of what you says applies to me. I was friends with him online for two years and I always knew it was a bit more , but I did not want to come off as a stalker because I was sane enough to know long distance is not a relationship. Anyhow feelings they grow and evolve and when he started seeing someone else and he did as he said to make me jealous and and move on. I confessed having feelings for him and he basically dumped this other girl who wanted marriage out of him. I felt guilty but I was like this the guy I liked and fall in love with him. Back then the Honeymoon base things were simple I did not demand a commitment out of him like marriage and he was all over me. The truth as you said I blame myself as well because he told he NEVER wanted marriage but he did say he wouldn't mind if we lived together , but still I guess again I relate to you. I felt as if my ex saw I fitted into his life because I was not demanding and I was lean , but as long distance weighted in he just stopped putting any effort.

The truth is yes he had a lot going on with his work and I cut a lot of slack , but when I say he stopped investing and toke me for granted. I don't wish him illness or even failure I understand he his own person and he likes to by himself I get it and I'm not going to try to change that. Yes my ex was a boy not a man if he was one then he would not dragged it along for months or even weeks. He made me feel so immature just to realize he is just another boy.

 

The friends thing I suggested it and we always agreed we would remain friends if it didn't work. However, as I said in the thread what is the concept of being friends with your ex ? You talk to them every 6 months email like and like their FB stats lol

 

I realized I can't have in my life not even as friend at the moment. I'm going through a vulnerable time and I can't relay on him as I used to years ago.

 

And yes my ex has so much issues he does not let them get in his way professionally , but personally I don't think his life will set with flowers. Right now I don't miss I just want to forget about him. Like I'm not a hateful or irrational I know it didn't work between us because of factors such long distance and different life stages and I would like to catch up with him after 2 years , but now it's like I don't want him in my life and I don't see where would he even fit in after all what went down.

[Missy0724]

BridgetGrey - you are doing the right thing! Hugs right back at you! It is not easy to let someone go... the hardest thing we have to do.

 

Just ask yourself this question: Is this person, is being with this person, communicating with this person, making me happy? Think about your other friends, your girlfriends...do you feel "off", uncomfortable, do you question their motives, feel uneasy, etc. NO, we don't! We should feel GREAT when in GREAT relationships! It's that simple.

 

If someone or something is making us question the situation, question ourselves, make us feel immature or full of drama (I did this! Got all caught up in his drama, then creating drama in my own life, so we could have things to drama and complain about! It was crazy! Not healthy at all!) it's not a happy, healthy friendship or relationship!

 

Learning how to say NO to people, and Goodbye are the hardest things in this life. But must be done. For both people! It's having self respect and also accepting this other person is not right or healthy for you, so you must let them go. And I agree - what is "friends"? Sorry, but to me, I see my friends, we hang out, even if it's just every now and then. We share the good stuff, the difficult stuff. We don't bail on our friends when things get difficult or uncomfortable, or we don't like the questions they are asking. At least that is not how my close friendships work.

 

When exes want "friendship" right after break up it's only because they are trying to maintain some kind of routine, so it's not going cold turkey. Because that is SO painful. It's also selfish, because it makes the dumper not feel so badly, like they did something so wrong. Because if you want to still be friends with them, then OK! Things aren't so bad after all. This person still wants to talk with me, be friends! They still love or like me, even though I just broke their heart. It's to make themselves look better, ease the guilt and pain. Very selfish. And also confusing to dumpee - every breadcrumb might look like a second chance or the dumper made a mistake and wants you back. Emotional rollercoaster that you do NOT want to be on, believe me!

 

NC and maybe some day when everyone's emotions have calmed down, when you can say 100% you over them romantically (good sign is that you are ok knowing they dating, are genuinely happy for them) maybe you can reconnect and have some kind of friendship or just check in from time to time. Or maybe not. It's good not to have any expectations. Just move forward with YOUR life. Make yourself happy. That is the greatest thing you can do for YOU and to show him he has no effect on you anymore. That's needy and pathetic. Not the sign of a strong, amazing woman! Which you are! We are! WE ROCK! Take back your power!

 

Never go where you are not wanted! That is crazy! And very needy, codependent. No need to be like that at all! You are enough!

 

Remember, some people would LOVE to be single!!! Embrace it, we only live once! And keep the faith that when the time is right, love will come again!

[BridgetGrey]

Missy. You really understand it. I don't think talking to my ex makes me happy. The thing is that I reached out to him when I found my mom was sick she has cancer and after that I dunoo I just did not feel like it was right. We broke up and then I started questioning myself why am seeking his help can he help or cure my mom ? No.

 

Then I decided let's go NC for good this time and ignore him. When I started ignoring him he came back asking my sister about me. You know when you said they wants to be friends and keep talking to us to fulfill this good guy complex they have just when my ex dragged things down.

My point is that it's a headache to be friends with him and as I said on the other thread when I asked about his exs he said he is friend with one of them , but they haven't spoken for more than years and the girl moved on years ago, like the thing occurred six years ago lol.

 

So Yeah I can see myself after months or years keeping in touch with him as he will be moving across half of the world probably , but right now for sure he is not going to do me any good.

 

And Yes I can be on my own and strong and I do believe there are greater and better things in store for me out there.

[Missy0724]

Oh wow, it's like looking in the mirror hearing you say these things!

 

Three days after he stated he wanted to, and could be just friends with me, I was having a very very hard day. Just the break up in itself, then found out my dad probably has cancer; tests being done now, but all the signs are there. It's not good... He listened to me and I actually felt better. I know that he was the wrong person to turn to, but when you've turned to this person for 9 months, they are your rock, your best friend...you know the deal.

 

Well, the following day he called me. We talked. I told him my "stuff", but I was positive and did not want to wallow in my sorrows, or let him know I was very upset and sad, esp over our break up.

 

You know what he did??? All he did was talk about HIMSELF. He was happy, upbeat, all excited. Going on and on about his wonderful weekend, fun things he did, etc. Not once did he ask about my dad or any of my stuff. WOW - opened my eyes right up. Then he told me he had a "date". And that he was just being honest. I did ask him what he was up to, trying to be friends with him, trying to be unselfish and happy for him, bc he sounded happy... Two weeks after our break up and he's already out dating. I was shocked. He sure got over me, us fast!

 

Of course after I settled down and did some thinking, getting others opinions, advice... I realized he was already WAY over me before he broke up with me. He could have been online and meeting people the last couple of weeks of our relationship. The signs were there. I just ignored them, because I was trying to save, keep the relationship going, trying to "fix" things, wanted more time, etc. What a mistake.

 

Now that there is no NC, I sent him email stating we are NOT friends, that won't work. I wanted a BF, and our timing off, people not ready, etc. I was as kind as possible, a lot of "we", trying not to blame him. I wanted to be civil, mature, and be able to hold my head up. I said what I needed to say, to be clear I understand how things went down. For both of us. Felt good.

 

Now NC. I wouldn't take him back or his "friendship" for anything. He showed his true colors when I told him my dad probably DYING of cancer. Nice friend, huh?

 

So I totally get where you are coming from!!! But we need to focus on US, not these sad, pathetic men who did not have the ability or capacity to love us in a healthy way. That is THEIR problem, not ours.

 

One thing I'm doing and maybe you can try, is to pity him. Instead of the "whoa is me" - which is so easy to do, believe me, I was stuck in that for a few weeks... Try to feel sorry for him. Because these people who hurt us are responsible for that, NOT us. We are responsible for sticking around...but that's OK. We can forgive ourselves. They were charming, sucked us in. Just learn from it. And feel sorry for them, instead of ourselves. I'm telling you - changing my mindset re: this, is really helping. I'm seeing clearly what kind of person he really is and being grateful it ended, before I got in deeper and wasted more time! Feel sorry for him and the next person who gets sucked in. No thanks! Good riddance and we will move forward and be better, stronger people because of the hard lessons!

 

Friends show they care by their actions, not their words. Words SO easy to say! I heard "I love you", I'm in love with you" even when he was breaking up with me... wtf??? And the whole, "we can be friends now that the romantic part is over." Oh great, thanks! He didn't even shed a tear when he broke up with me. I was a mess. Many signs of narcissism. I've read up on it. A lot of those signs... :-(

 

So I am trying to be compassionate, and bc I did love this person, pity him, wish him well. Hope he maybe can change, improve? Continue his recovery from so many things: addiction, ex wife, past, etc. He has a lot of work to do. But it's not my job to "fix" him, which maybe I was trying to do. I take responsibility for that. I think once we own up to own part, that helps to.

 

I hope this helps...thanks for listening, and for sharing your story! It helps me! HUGS!

[BridgetGrey]

I'm sorry about your father Missy *hugs* It's hard as I reached out to him as well. My ex does care,but in a way that makes me doubt him is it friendship care or pity or his leftover feelings. You see has this good guy complex where he is a nice guy just an ******* when it comes to comes to handling his relationship like a wuss. He never been in a relationship for five years from what I gathered till his high school years and basically I don't think he knows how to be in a relationship.

 

Yes I got sucked into his charming attitude as well where he was really good as a friend helping me out ,but after that I realized he can't be a life partner. I too pity him and the girl that will get sucked into his charm in the next months and years because he will never be able to offer her much. It's not the concept of marriage with him as much as it's the concept that he can't be a stable settled committed relationship. When he moves half away across the world I will be relieved because then he will start achieving his dream and probably see his vacation place is not the same as living there. He may even crawl back here to make money after years as ironically I think life style from this jobs fits him the most.

You know when they say take off your ex off the pedestal for me to even be here and write those things is making taking off it.I realize yes I did love him in a genuine way because I walked away from him calling him a good guy, but I have to let you go. The thing that actually dawned on me when I was with ex is that damn for 3-4 months I was miserable with him he didn't make me happy stopped making gestures for the relationship even the simple ones like texting and we were long distance so the least he could do and yes he was busy , but damn I knew his investment in us died down.

 

I should not let my weak moments get the best out of me and now I know that and I will never message him because he is the past and he is no longer in my life and I do believe there will better things in store for us in the future.

 

At the end of the day Missy we are going through the hardest time of our lives now and while my ex did some effort to reach out to me and I shunned him , but I do realize the people who wants to be in our lives will fight for us and those who don't they just pass by. If you feel like talking in privet via Email or something let me know