GIGS break up - the lesson I wish I would have learned

[NickJ]

After my broke up, I have been lurking around LS to gain my support. I have seen many amazing post on GIGS broke up and rebound. So I would like to contribute my experience to all fellow LS members who are currently suffering, to learn from my experience and won't fall on to the same trap.

 

Let me start off with some background, things happened recently and the lesson I have learnt the hard way

 

A little bit background of my story:

 

We are both 25 going to be 26, have been in relationship for 2.5 yrs. I am her first serious bf. The break up happened at Feb out of no where, which her reason is she suddenly feel like she wanna go out and experience night life and have fun. I am the stable type of guy had my GIGS time back in college, so I am OK with being stable with my gf. Also around the time of my break up I was preparing for a professional exam of my career. So its basically not because I am a boring guy, its just I don't have a choice to go out as I would need to fight for my career.

 

After she initiate the break up, I offered to work things out. As mentioned in general I am not a boring person at all, so I tell her we can go out to have some fun time after my exam, but she just say no. Moreover, she just mentioned I have been a great bf, but she feel like the relationship is not working out in long term, so she don't want to waste my time and make this decision.

 

Follow up with the breakup, we have come to an agreement that we keep in close contact, which the following two months after the breakup, we acted like we are still together, sleep together, doing the same thing as we are still dating, just we are not officially bf/gf anymore. We had such deal only because we couldn't let each other go easily, so we used it to cope with our breakup. At the same time, she throw herself into the crazy party scene. She would go out to clubbing two nights straight every weekend. I was a bit frustrated but I know I couldn't do anything as I am not her bf anymore

 

After a while, she started to distant herself from me. She start ignoring my txt or it take her a long while to reply. It get me frustrated more and she claim that I am bugging her when I questioned such change. At the end, she admit that she has been seeing a guy lately and have had sex with the guy. Though the guy would like her to be her gf, but she told me she don't want to settle with him as she's still enjoying the whole party scene. By knowing that, it basically ripped my heart apart. This is when I started to freak out and had a long drama between us for 1 month, that end up with she completely shut me off and get official with the guy she's seeing. By then (mid June), I have gone strict NC until now.

 

Last week I happened to meet up a common girl friend of my ex gf for drinks, which she is one of my ex-gf's close friend. She's the one my ex would talk to and she's also the one introduce the guy to my ex at the beginning as friend.

 

After a few chit-chat, the topic has switched to my ex. She told me she regret introduce the guy to my ex as friend to start off, since the guy is a total party guy in his mid 30s and mess around. She also told me things weren't going too well between my ex and her new guy, that they had frequent fight on minor issues. whenever there's fight, my ex will went to her girl friends to vent and it basically pissed them off. Their friends all wonder how my ex and the new guy will hit off and say they are totally incompatible.

 

with all the new information provided by my friend, part of me feel surprised and shocked. I have no information of my ex at all as I was in strict NC for 1.5 month after the drama blow up. I had many sleepless night imagining my ex sleeping in the new guy's arm so I have been assuming they were doing well.

 

At the end of the night, my friend asked,

"What if she suddenly come back to you, cry and beg that she made a great mistake after all and now begging you to take her back?"

I went complete silence for 10 seconds. at this stage of break up I can say if it happens, I would be confused. The pain of breakup has subside day by day and I have been gaining my strength by reaching out to new friends and embrace a new lifestyle. Still a part of me within would want her realize one day knowing that what kind of hell she had put me thru.

 

 

I wish I would have stay strict NC from the very beginning when the breakup happened

 

Stay together after breakup is by far the biggest mistake I have made up to now. Yes it did get me a few more times of post breakup sex, and it delay the time I have to face the break up for longer, but eventually you will still have to deal with the breakup. Also by staying in together, I have been the dumper's emotional tampon. She would come to me for her life problems she's facing, and she can turn around in the next second into the arms of the new guy for fun and excitement. when they have mended from the breakup, you will be dumped for good

[No Limit]

You were her doormat. Be glad she's gone.

How did you answer to your friends' question though? Beware, if you aren't dismissive enough you'll have that chick at your heels again 'cause her friend might make her hope.

[NickJ]

You were her doormat. Be glad she's gone.

How did you answer to your friends' question though? Beware, if you aren't dismissive enough you'll have that chick at your heels again 'cause her friend might make her hope.

 

Yea doormat, its so spot on. When we are still together, she always try to push the boundaries, and I am always the one accommodate her.

 

I just hesitate for a while and tell my friend at this stage I will be confused.

My friend then say even she come crawling back, you should just kick her out!

obviously though my friend is close to her, but can tell she despised what my ex has done to me and how she throw away the 2.5 yr relationship out the window just to pursue her GIGS dream.

 

oh and I forgot to mention somehow I found out she cheated during the relationship, but I only get to know it after the broke up.

 

The night I heard it from her friend, end up with me drunk dialing her.

I was so angry and sad. I thought she would broke down and at least gave me an apology, but funny thing is, her reaction is why on earth I bring up such thing again. According to her she was "regret" and the thing start to subside, and now I am the bad guy recalling her bad memories....

 

What an irony....I thought I should be the one feel sad in such scenario, and I am the one being blamed.

The night end up with I comfort her over the phone(yea I know when I think of it now I was like wtf did i do that)

she claimed that she was so sad and try to cut her arm, screaming and yelling over the phone

"IT IS YOU! Why you bring it up now? You know how much pain I am in?"

Afterall, when I rethink the whole thing happened....I wonder why people like her can make their own mess, still try to shift the blame to others. To a point she did successfully let me think I am the one responsible for the whole ****

 

another thing my friend told me is

my ex recently once asked her girls, "If one day I become seriously hurt(I am guessing hurt by bad guys or bad life style, life decision), will you girls support me?"

my friend then say in a very straight way

"She asked those, means she kinda know her current life is going to the wrong way, and instead of making changes of your life choice, life style you live, you go and ask for support when one day you fell hard, isn't it non sense? I would definitely ask her to fxxk off as we have warned her many times"

 

For me, I kinda expect I will hear from her someday soon this year, when everything in her life fall apart. I will come back and provide an update if I can

As mentioned I am more like want her to realize her mistake, and how bad she has treat me and put me thru what kind of hell.

 

Oh and, I am in a relationship already:p