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Girlfriend was raped.


GuardianLion

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GuardianLion

Hello everyone.

 

I am new to these forums. I literally just created an account with this site. I don't know where else to go aside from family. So many emotions going through me right now. I decided to come here to see if I can get some useful advice. I will try not to type too much.

 

Back in April of this year my girlfriend was raped. Now I know what some of you people may be thinking. Was she drunk? Was it one of those situations? My answer to that is no. It was not. She was attacked as she was walking home one night from the store. The man held her at knife point and threatened to kill her if she made any sounds. And so he led her through an alley and into the backyard of another house. It was there he raped her. I do not want to elaborate now on what he did to her but ask if you must and I may give an answer.

 

After the ordeal she came to our home banging on the door. (She lost her keys) When I opened it she ran inside the house. Her shirt was ripped and I could see some of her bra. She... had a ripped skirt too and had left her shoes behind. She was bleeding in some areas and extremely hysterical. Screaming things such as "Help me!" and "I'm going to kill myself" and "it hurts". It was something straight out of a horror movie.

 

It's been about 2 1/2 months since that day. We are still together but we are having trouble coping. Her emotions and mine are both all over the place. Part of her is repressing the fact. At first she was very fearful and holding me extremely tight for several nights while we slept. Now she is acting like it didn't happen. There are also random burst of anger she tosses at me.

 

For me, I feel a mixture of anger, depression, and emasculation. I was not there to protect her. I just.... don't know what to do... Please I really need some advice.

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todreaminblue

Your gf has she reported the crime and what service besides yourself has she contacted?.....i dont need to know anything about the rape ......other than how she got away how far did she have to go home did she see anyboyd on the way home after, other walkers joggers peopel in cars....anyoen she knew other than you?....deb

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GuardianLion
Your gf has she reported the crime and what service besides yourself has she contacted?.....i dont need to know anything about the rape ......other than how she got away how far did she have to go home did she see anyboyd on the way home after, other walkers joggers peopel in cars....anyoen she knew other than you?....deb

 

They haven't found the guy yet. Authorities are still searching and investigating. This is what they say.

 

When the man was done he just left her there on the ground. She had passed out while it was going on... She woke up several minutes or so later. Don't know the exact time but she had been gone longer than usual. The store is only a walking distance. When she awake she hurried up and ran home

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This is not something friends and family can help you with (unless one of them has gone through something like this). Not working through now will cause problems later so if at all possible get your girlfriend and yourself into therapy as soon as possible I am sorry this happened to her, to both of you.

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todreaminblue
They haven't found the guy yet. Authorities are still searching and investigating. This is what they say.

 

When the man was done he just left her there on the ground. She had passed out while it was going on... She woke up several minutes or so later. Don't know the exact time but she had been gone longer than usual. The store is only a walking distance. When she awake she hurried up and ran home

 

you haven't spoken about any trauma counselling or sexual assault counselling therapy, the last time i was raped was a very long time ago and i never at the time received any form of counselling......i was an escort at the time.....so it went unreported and no therapy i continued workign as an escort but it totally turned me off men in general and when i had to perform i wasnt there in the emotional sense,.. pyhsically i was there but mentally and emotionally i detached.....disassociated.....as i have with every trauma i disassociate until of course i get hurt again in any way ...and i regress back to the child in me adn that child is the one who gets to be traumatized .actually makes me really angry.....i cant control regression...i would prefer to cop the abuse than the heart of me..it is getting better though i hurt myself a coupel of weeks ago...my leg and i didnt regress and i didnt fall over.......i cant help this i dont want it to be that way...but it happens and i have to deal with that some how working on it and it is improving this is two decades plu sonwards though.......do you feel she is disassociating?

 

i am now a multiple personality ....or known as disassociative disorder undiagnosed though...shrinks dont believe me ...even when i tell them to call my mother noen fo them have bothered too by the way...therapy is a must for your gf.....

 

i cannot stress enough immediate therapy should be sought.....i should have had therapy as a child i never did.......so ...trauma on top of trauma i have to deal with..o recieved therapy late in my life in the form of group therapy..i pray a lot......a hell of a lot.....does your gf have any other outlet other than you..was she given the numbers when she made the report.......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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GuardianLion
you haven't spoken about any trauma counselling or sexual assault counselling therapy, the last time i was raped was a very long time ago and i never at the time received any form of counselling......i was an escort at the time.....so it went unreported and no therapy i continued workign as an escort but it totally turned me off men in general and when i had to perform i wasnt there in the emotional sense,.. pyhsically i was there but mentally and emotionally i detached.....disassociated.....as i have with every trauma i disassociate until of course i get hurt again in any way ...and i regress back to the child in me adn that child is the one who gets to be traumatized .actually makes me really angry.....i cant control regression...i would prefer to cop the abuse than the heart of me..it is getting better though i hurt myself a coupel of weeks ago...my leg and i didnt regress and i didnt fall over.......i cant help this i dont want it to be that way...but it happens and i have to deal with that some how working on it and it is improving this is two decades plu sonwards though.......do you feel she is disassociating?

 

i am now a multiple personality ....or known as disassociative disorder undiagnosed though...shrinks dont believe me ...even when i tell them to call my mother noen fo them have bothered too by the way...therapy is a must for your gf.....

 

i cannot stress enough immediate therapy should be sought.....i should have had therapy as a child i never did.......so ...trauma on top of trauma i have to deal with..o recieved therapy late in my life in the form of group therapy..i pray a lot......a hell of a lot.....does your gf have any other outlet other than you..was she given the numbers when she made the report.......deb

 

What is dissociation like?

 

Outlets other than me? Of course. Both of her parents are still together and she has 4 brothers/ 1 sister. She even stayed with them for a good while.

 

I will look into therapy but I really want to help her. Also, please what can I do to help cope. I want to hold her some more but its been awkward and I can feel her repressing things. I dont want to activate triggers by accident.

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I think therapy will be really helpful for both of you. Maybe even separately. She needs to help to process & cope and you need help to deal with it and help her. It is way too much to take on yourself. Its too much traumatic stress for you both to work through alone. Be gentle. Wishing you the best.

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todreaminblue
What is dissociation like?

 

Outlets other than me? Of course. Both of her parents are still together and she has 4 brothers/ 1 sister. She even stayed with them for a good while.

 

I will look into therapy but I really want to help her. Also, please what can I do to help cope. I want to hold her some more but its been awkward and I can feel her repressing things. I dont want to activate triggers by accident.

 

lose track of time, sometimes hours, sometimes days, dont remember conversations with people,or even seeing people i will say or do things that are just not me, i lose things , put things away somewhere and then cant find them, apparently i apply for things ....dont remember filling out forms.....my daughter doesn't like to be in car parks with me......because i have before just walked out into traffic...i have run into telegraph poles..yeah fun.........i honestly dont know how i am still alive but i am....i have angels looking after me i guess.....

 

as far as triggers go this is going to seem scary to you but the more triggers that are triggered the more you will know for next time....you have to calm her down after they have been triggered.....could be a word a phrase anything a certain tone a physical touch, something that happens to her physically that triggers......you cannot help that...it isnt your fault...the best thign fro both fo you is group therapy and couples therapy to help you through...any guy i go out with has to know my history..not graphically but a broad overview......and then i have been in relationships and maintained them successfully.....fifteen years is my longest one....but then i am a multiple personality so maybe that's how i can do it..i appear pretty average...maybe....dont know cant tell you....my family love me anyway..

 

you cant avoid triggers if you dont know what they are triggers are going to happen,no doubt with this, you have to have help to deal with them and the aftermath and know strategies to help lessen them over time......deb

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I am so sorry to hear that this happened to your girlfriend. Yes, therapy with a trauma specialist would be very helpful. She is lost and does not know how to process the emotions. She may be suffering from post traumatic stress syndromes as well. The best prognosis for healing is to have a good support system and it sounds like she has one.

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GuardianLion

I talked to her about therapy. She immediately declined. So I called her parents so they can talk to her. She then got mad at me for doing that. There are a quick argument.

 

How can I convince her? Perhaps I should bring her parents over?

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OP, as a rape survivor your girlfriend's emotions are out-of-whack for good reason. It's also possible she may suffer from post-traumatic-stress-disorder. I think her refusal to pursue therapy is a normal reaction. Most rape survivors don't want to relive that horrific experience and denial is a common coping mechanism. But it's also detrimental to your girlfriend's recovery.

 

When you're raped, your entire world collapses. It doesn't matter how well-meaning a rape survivor's support system is, because the rape survivor has been traumatized. "Trust" has been replaced with "violence." "Safe" has been replaced with "vulnerable." And that's just the psychological effects of rape.

 

A woman who is raped can catch STDs from her attacker as well as become pregnant.

 

Did the police use a rape kit on your girlfriend called a SAFE kit (sexual assault forensic evidence)? SAFE or SOEC kits are used to forensically examine the rape victim for evidence of her attacker. How was her rape handled by the authorities? Was she taken to your city's rape crisis center to speak with a rape crisis counselor?

 

Since your girlfriend won't seek therapy on her own, I think it would help if you went to your cit's rape crisis center and spoke with someone there who could make a house call to visit your girlfriend in person. If you do an intervention, you need to be prepared.

 

It's only been 2.5 months since you said your girlfriend was raped. Your girlfriend's entire life has changed now. She will never be the same person again, and that's something you'll need to except and support as her boyfriend. Her recovery will take as long as it takes. You can't put a timeline on it or force it to happen when you want it to, because it makes you uncomfortable.

 

Start with the rape crisis center in your city. They are experts in how to help rape victims recover and help family and friends support the rape victim during that long, often times arduous process.

 

I don't know what city you live in, but here's some links to help put this into perspective:

 

UIC Campus Advocacy Network

 

https://www.rainn.org/get-information/effects-of-sexual-assault

 

The psychological adjustment of the rape victim

 

Effects of Rape: Psychological and Physical Effects of Rape - HealthyPlace

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You need to do both seperate counseling and couple's counseling.

 

Yes, it most certainly will help both of you. She needs counseling more than you and I really hope you support her every step of the way.

 

I know it's difficult for you as well but try to put your feelings aside for a while. She needs you to be there for her no matter how she acts, she is entitled to have swift mood swings and episodes. Counseling will help determine if she needs time away from "men" (YOU) while this is still so fresh for her. Imagine how fu cked up she feels knowing you are not the one who hurt her but may not want to be touched by you. Just because she talks to you, I promise she is not telling you everything she feels. That's impossible for her to do anyway because even she doesn't know what she feels.

 

Unless someone has been sexually assaulted, they will never understand the extent of damage it causes and the long term effects.

 

I pray for sex crime victims all over the world.

 

Stay on her side and never give up. Couples have gotten through horrible situations such as this. It is possible but it takes consistent WORK from both partners.

 

Sincerely,

J

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You need to do both seperate counseling and couple's counseling.

 

Yes, it most certainly will help both of you. She needs counseling more than you and I really hope you support her every step of the way.

 

I know it's difficult for you as well but try to put your feelings aside for a while. She needs you to be there for her no matter how she acts, she is entitled to have swift mood swings and episodes. Counseling will help determine if she needs time away from "men" (YOU) while this is still so fresh for her. Imagine how fu cked up she feels knowing you are not the one who hurt her but may not want to be touched by you. Just because she talks to you, I promise she is not telling you everything she feels. That's impossible for her to do anyway because even she doesn't know what she feels.

 

Unless someone has been sexually assaulted, they will never understand the extent of damage it causes and the long term effects.

 

I pray for sex crime victims all over the world.

 

Stay on her side and never give up. Couples have gotten through horrible situations such as this. It is possible but it takes consistent WORK from both partners.

 

Sincerely,

J

 

^^This^^. Great post me85!!

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To add to me85's post, when your girlfriend is ready, she may want to join a rape survivor support group in person and online. There are a lot of rape survivor message boards online like this one, which is endorsed by the national rape survivor network, rainn.

 

OP, according to this website, you and your family and your girlfriend's family and your friends are considered "secondary survivors". It provides helpful tips and resources for "secondary survivors" of rape victims. You all need support and resources too, so that you can help your girlfriend heal and also help yourselves understand your role in her journey of recovery.

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GuardianLion

A few points before I go again.

 

So far she does not have any STD's. She also did not get pregnant. This is good at least because the man did not use a condom...

 

She needs to be away from me? Why is that? She was close to me and crying at first. But then again... she never told me everything about the experience. She wrote some things down and gave them to me. I will try to get her sister or mother to talk to her.

 

If I had someone come and do a home visit.. wouldn't that be worse?

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I think you need to step carefully. Right now she feels like her life is out of control. Her desire to repress everything may not be the best long-term response to her trauma, but if you insist on things she does not want, it would make her feel even more out of control. Tell her of your concerns, but do not pressure her into treatment and do not get her family to talk to her if she doesn't feel like talking about it. Just let her know that you and her family will be there for her and that there are services to help her get through this whenever she feels ready.

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A few points before I go again.

 

So far she does not have any STD's. She also did not get pregnant. This is good at least because the man did not use a condom...

 

She needs to be away from me? Why is that? She was close to me and crying at first. But then again... she never told me everything about the experience. She wrote some things down and gave them to me. I will try to get her sister or mother to talk to her.

 

If I had someone come and do a home visit.. wouldn't that be worse?

 

GuardianLion: this is just an advice thread. Take what you can from people's posts here and glean from them what helps you, and leave behind the advice that you don't agree with. If you don't want to keep your girlfriend away from you then don't. She may never tell you everything. No one is telling you to back off and disappear from her life. She trusts you and loves you, and sees you as a positive source of emotional support, so then why would you leave her alone all of the sudden and abandon her. I don't agree with that advice at all. Just with the advice of staying by her side through this so that you both can grow closer and survive this trauma together.

 

I would encourage you to check out resources for secondary survivors like yourself, which is written by trained psychologists and experts in rape

 

Call your city's rape crisis center and talk to a crisis counselor who is trained to help people in your situation as well as your girlfriend. That person can advise you the best.

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In the UK - so I cannot speak for anywhere else - the Police, once a rape is reported - actually provide rape Counselling. It's something they do as a matter of course and the victim is regularly visited and cared for. I am frankly a little surprised that this was not either offered to her when she reported the rape, or followed up on. The Police would also have insisted on a medical examination and taking swabs. I take it all this was done?

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GuardianLion
I think you need to step carefully. Right now she feels like her life is out of control. Her desire to repress everything may not be the best long-term response to her trauma, but if you insist on things she does not want, it would make her feel even more out of control. Tell her of your concerns, but do not pressure her into treatment and do not get her family to talk to her if she doesn't feel like talking about it. Just let her know that you and her family will be there for her and that there are services to help her get through this whenever she feels ready.

 

In addition to repressing she has random crying episodes. I've seen her do it twice while she slept

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GuardianLion
In the UK - so I cannot speak for anywhere else - the Police, once a rape is reported - actually provide rape Counselling. It's something they do as a matter of course and the victim is regularly visited and cared for. I am frankly a little surprised that this was not either offered to her when she reported the rape, or followed up on. The Police would also have insisted on a medical examination and taking swabs. I take it all this was done?

 

She's fine from a medical perspective. She doesnt want counseling at all. They tried speaking to her about it at the hospital but she wanted to talk to her mother instead. Ever since she's gotten home though, she's shunned much support.

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GuardianLion

Is it normal for me to feel weak and emasculated? I feel like I failed as a man.. I was the first and only man she ever been with in that way. And I just feel liked I failed. I know it's not just about me but it hurts knowing what she is going through...

 

She's only 22 yrs old by the way.

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Smilecharmer
In addition to repressing she has random crying episodes. I've seen her do it twice while she slept

 

This is normal. Imagine guys pulling you into an alley and anally raping you. Your emotions and feelings would be all over the place, right?She is in shock, traumatized and needs counseling. Be patient. I have heard women say they are never feel safe again, and others say they felt tainted for their man, like they are wasted space now because someone not only raped their body but their mind, making them afraid and feeling worthless. They feel used up and unworthy of love. She may think you see her differently or that you blame her. You mentioning her not being drunk in your first post means you have preconceived notions about rape that she knows you have including victim blaming so she probably wonders if you somehow blame her for walking alone or wearing a low cut top or whatever. I'm not saying you do but your post did mention what she didn't do wrong so you must have some ideas that women are to blame if they do certain things. She feels unsafe and is wondering what she could have done differently because in this society we don't blame the rapist, we blame the victim. With male victims, it is why didn't you fight harder? With females, it is why did you get drunk, wear that skirt, be in that place, etc.?

Be gentle and kind and let her know you love her and nothing changes the way you feel about her. Call a rape hotline to ask how to best help her as they have information and resources in your area that can help you both.

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You mentioning her not being drunk in your first post means you have preconceived notions about rape that she knows you have including victim blaming so she probably wonders if you somehow blame her for walking alone or wearing a low cut top or whatever. I'm not saying you do but your post did mention what she didn't do wrong so you must have some ideas that women are to blame if they do certain things. She feels unsafe and is wondering what she could have done differently because in this society we don't blame the rapist, we blame the victim. With male victims, it is why didn't you fight harder? With females, it is why did you get drunk, wear that skirt, be in that place, etc.?

That's an extremely insensitive thing to say to a person whose girl has just been raped. Are you even listening to yourself? Damn. All he said was she wasn't reckless, that's a perfectly valid point.

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Smilecharmer
That's an extremely insensitive thing to say to a person whose girl has just been raped. Are you even listening to yourself? Damn. All he said was she wasn't reckless, that's a perfectly valid point.

 

I'm just telling him what she may be thinking and I wasn't trying to be insensitive but real. When someone is raped they don't think logically because they feel hurt and in constant pain. I'm just saying she may have issues concerning that.

OP, I'm not blaming you for anything just telling you what she might be thinking so you can get her help. I apologize for sounding insensitive. I truly feel for you both as this is a terrible trauma.

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