Dating after break up

[dumbass2]

I posted my break up on the break up forum, but wanted to ask this in here.

 

It has been 3 months since the break up and we had some contact throughout, the last coming with her phone call a little over 2 weeks ago and no contact since.

 

I was dumped and went on a a few dates within the first 2 weeks and it felt ok, but there were no sparks and they were one and done, though one still wants to see me, but I've told her I'm not interested. I felt ok going on them early on. I've gone on 2 since, the last was about 3 weeks ago. I think I may have felt ok because my ex was still contacting me and it felt to me like she wasn't over me. I never wanted to stop seeing my ex. Now I am going through the anger and acceptance.

 

I feel frustrated with the dating scene and I don't feel I'm completely over my ex. I should be because she is obviously over me by now and I know now that we're not getting back. We both let each other know that we're still not seeing someone else when she called.

 

There was a whole lot that I loved about my ex and a whole lot that I didn't when I reflect back at the drama. It's hard to date our age and I've never been married and because of my career, have not been in any relationship longer than a few years and this was my first relationship in quite a while. We had so much in common and things we liked to do. We were also very physical with each other and loved to kiss and hold hands and do all that snuggling stuff. I keep feeling that I will not find that with someone else. I feel that I miss my ex more and more as the time is going by, but at the same time, I don't miss her insecurities and the way she treated me at times and handled issues in a very immature way.

 

Should I continue to push ahead and try to date or do you feel that I need to back off and take some time to get over her now with "no contact" in place? Will dating right now help or will it end up hurting? I just don't know if I could handle getting into another relationship right now, but I hate to waste any more time and not be out there continuing to try. I keep telling myself that there is a better fit for me out there, just can't force it to happen. I will not get into a relationship just to be in one. I'd rather stay single. I'm trying not to look at dating as though it has to necessarily lead to something and just take it as it comes, but I do want to eventually be in another relationship.

 

Thanks

[Philosoraptor]

You need to think hard and figure out what you feel is best for you. If you date then do so with no expectations. Some find dating to be helpful while others just feel it hurts their process of moving on.

 

Patience, especially with onesself, is a hard but important process of moving on. Do what feels best for you, but make decisions only when at a truly calm place.

[dumbass2]

Thank you

 

I think I should back off for a bit. The reason is that the more frustrating it is trying right now, the more I think of my ex. Maybe I should just cool it for a month or so and make sure I'm past her. I'm sure she'll continue to pop up in my head, but right now I'm still thinking too much about her. I feel stupid to be feeling this way after all the red flags reflecting back on the relationship. I wasted at least the last 2 months thinking about her. Oh well, live and learn!

[Missy0724]

Hi, I'm in the same boat. Was broken up with about a month ago. He wanted to be "friends". Not sure if that was true, or just to relieve his guilt. Prob the later...but I'll never know. One week NC.

 

He told me he had a date. I was pretty upset. But on the other hand understood, especially given his personality, neediness, etc. He was only divorced one month when he met me, we were together 9 months, now 3 weeks after breaking up with me, he's already online and dating. He actually might have already been online, checking things out, when still with me. He was pulling away, acting strange last couple months before he ended things. The signs were there... : (

 

I was definitely a rebound. And looks like if he is not careful, he may repeat that. But his choice. Just feel badly for the next girl. Hard to understand how people can just move on so quickly, or stuff their feelings, thinking they are ok, ready to move on. He was not ready when he met me, even though he said he was. As soon as the honeymoon stage wore off, all his past issues with ex wife, anger with her, began to make a head.

 

Yes, I have posted an online profile as well, and have emailed with a few people. But I'm going into it truthfully, if and when I do meet someone. Not in any rush. Not checking onto the site that often. Taking time for me... Which in my opinion, everyone should always do, after a break up! It's not fair to you, or the person, to bring in so much unsettled emotional baggage. So irresponsible!

 

Nothing wrong with casually dating, meeting new people, having fun. Just please be honest with anyone you meet that you are fresh out of a break up and want to move slowly. That's what I'm going to do.

 

I know what a rebound does to people. People get hurt. It's really not fair! Yes, we all have needs. But if we could manage to have a little more self love and respect, and not be so needy - less people would get hurt!

 

Take time to process your break up. Feel it, cry, get angry, have some sleepless nights. It sucks. But it's part of the process. And if you skip any of that process, that F ing pain - and it's gonna take awhile... You may think you are fine, you might push it aside, try to be all happy and ready - but you probably won't be. And that's not fair to the next person.

 

Date, just be honest. Take things slow. And don't sleep with people so quickly! The sex just makes everything so confusing and bonds you, makes people think they are "exclusive", esp women. Wait, be respectful of yourself and others. That way you can build a great friendship.

 

When I start dating, I'm going into it completely different! New approach! Nice and slow, let things play out, no sex right away. It will be interesting...

And the right person is out there for us! Patience and time. Well worth the wait. And better to be alone, than with the WRONG PERSON.

 

Good luck!

[dumbass2]

we got physical pretty quick (second date) and kept it up, but no sex until about a month in. We did just about everything else. I will try to take the physical part slower next time.

 

I can't believe I am still thinking about her so much even after I look back and see the grief it was causing me. If I had put my foot down on some stuff, it probably would have ended sooner. I need to not be so understanding, even with someone I am in love with.