A year and a half in

[avacado]

It has now been a year and a half since she broke us up.I wrote a lot about the breakup here in LS when it happened, and for a longtime afterwards. I’d never been in love before, and I’d never been this messedup before. Went to therapy, exercised, and made new friends. Yet I thought abouther every single day – how much I missed her, hated her, and all in between. Ihad periods of depression, regret and jealousy that were the most extreme I’dever felt, followed by periods of calm and happiness, and the two extremesebbed and flowed to their own secret rhythms.

 

 

I never imagined that after all this time, I’d still thinkabout her so much, but I do. The difference between a year ago today and now,however, is the thoughts don’t carry as much weight as they did. Things stillremind me of her, and I still find myself imagining that I’m telling her off,or confessing something to her. But these thoughts don’t bring me down likethey used to. I think that in time, I can reduce their frequency or eliminatethem altogether. Maybe then, I can talk to her again. I don’t plan to contact heruntil that point, which could be years more.

 

 

I have a new girlfriend who is very different than my ex.She has plenty of qualities that I had wished my ex had – assertiveness,direction, a sense of adventure – but it’s strange how long it took me torealize them. I remember thinking, about a month into this relationship, that Iwish the new girl was as attractive as my ex. It took a few more months for itto dawn on me that she was much more attractive! You don’t realize the gripthat an old love has on you until it begins to fade. I’m embarrassed to admitthat I have not yet told new girl that I love her. She has told me, severaltimes when she let herself get too drunk, that she is in love with me. I thinkI feel it too, but it’s just so hard for me to say. I think it’s the lastremnants of my feelings for the ex that are restraining me. Maybe when Ifinally say those words, I’ll actually have broken free.