How to go about dating again

[edgygirl]

So I've been NC since June 21, almost a month. He replied back but I won't. Broken up on June 1.

 

I was trying to pretend I didn't care in the beginning, went out everynight for a week, even went on a date a month ago, cool guy but I wasn't ready. Also had a date right after breakup, total disaster. Then I got in contact with ex for 10 days 11-21 through emails back and forth which didn't help a bit.

 

Decided not to respond his 2 last ones. Also to take a break from dating until I felt like myself again. Went abroad.

 

I feel I am doing a little better although after spending the last evening on LS I has dreams/nightmares about him the whole night. I have a date today. Similar personality to my ex. I am not that excited but who knows.

 

I heard more than once since breakup that I don't seem ready or happy to be dating. Although I try my best to seem friendly and smiley on a date.

 

How do you get past the sensation that deep down you don't want to date again, and the fact that people sense it? I don't want to wait any longer to start dating, I shouldn't stay home more than I have.

 

Any insights on how to try to look on the bright side, have fun dates and move on?

[NopeNah]

Why the rush? Just do you and enjoy your new found freedom for a bit. Never understood the "I have to be with someone to be happy" line of thought. Not saying you have that but, just seems odd to force a date to me.

[edgygirl]

Well when you're a woman in the beginning of your 40s. Feels like you shouldn't be wasting more time than needed to recover

[BrokenHeartAndWings]

Well when you're a woman in the beginning of your 40s. Feels like you shouldn't be wasting more time than needed to recover

 

I need to start posting up a storm here. It's therapeutic to vent!

 

Edgy girl, I'm in the same situation and almost the exact same timeline! Ex left me for NO GOOD REASON. We were together 4 years, engaged, and just days away from getting married! I never expected it! I'm still in shock. This is a man who was CRAZY about me and would've done anything for me. I was blindsided.

 

A lot of posters here seem to be in their 20s. Once you're over 30 and have several very painful break ups behind you, it's physically and emotionally exhausting!

 

I agree with you that we don't have the luxury of time like the 20 something's. I don't believe in waiting! When he left, I IMMEDIATELY started going out with friends, by myself, in groups, joining Meetups, asking friends to set me up. The dumper does it, so why shouldn't we? You can still heal while dating others, as long as you don't rebound.

[Missy0724]

Agree! I'm in my 40s, dated a lot before married in my 20s, long term marriage, divorce, have had two serious relationships post divorce. Both men said they ready for committed, serious relationship, things going well...but once honeymoon phase over, and some issues came up on both our ends, they bailed! Couldn't handle the rough patches, or me going thru a hard time, needing some support and understanding. Once it stopped being "fun" all the time, and some intimacy and dig down deep, do some work...nope, they didn't want any part of that! So so sad.

 

Leaving me heartbroken. Thought I had a best friend. Not how my best girlfriends treat me! We stand by each other, no matter what! I've been bf with women for 20-30 years! Just can't seem to get that from a man. :-(

 

I'm missing my ex so much. I just wanted him to love me first as a best friend, and treat me as such. But some people have the hugest egos, can't forgive, don't understand women and we get emotional sometimes, say the wrong things, have hard time saying what we want. Especially if our men are sending us mixed messages, not 100% in it with us!!!

 

I wonder if I'm ever going to find a man who understand me! Loves me, all of me! Will stand by me! Not walk away... But until then, alone. Because that's better than being with wrong man again!

 

And my responsibility to change my patterns, who I choose. And take time, no rushing, sex too soon, etc. Find out mans true intentions... :-) Friends first! For awhile!

[edgygirl]

Missy and BrokenHeart, it's certainly not paradise to be this age and dating.

 

BrokenHeart, I also feel a lot of posters are 20-30s and don't get our issues. I wish there was a gender/age line below everyone's names, as people who know they can't relate to a 40 yo woman would not post in their threads, etc. I think this is a very big flaw on LS but oh well.

 

I am feeling better and better about start dating again as the days pass. I went on a unsuccessful date over the weekend but I didn't feel disgusted to be on a date as the first time a month ago, I think it means progress.

 

Missy, we have to keep going and believing... there's no other way. It's hard to find people who are capable of giving back all we do these days, but I still have hope this person is out there waiting for me to find them

[thekid36]

Missy and BrokenHeart, it's certainly not paradise to be this age and dating.

 

BrokenHeart, I also feel a lot of posters are 20-30s and don't get our issues. I wish there was a gender/age line below everyone's names, as people who know they can't relate to a 40 yo woman would not post in their threads, etc. I think this is a very big flaw on LS but oh well.

 

I am feeling better and better about start dating again as the days pass. I went on a unsuccessful date over the weekend but I didn't feel disgusted to be on a date as the first time a month ago, I think it means progress.

 

Missy, we have to keep going and believing... there's no other way. It's hard to find people who are capable of giving back all we do these days, but I still have hope this person is out there waiting for me to find them

 

 

I think that it is important to socialize and put yourself out there. However, I still feel that forced dating is not always the way to go. I spent many years in my 20's and 30's trying to rush relationships due to the desire against being alone. Thus, I ended up getting with women who were not really right for me. I was so worried of being alone. Especially, as I continued to get even older.

 

 

I met the current girlfriend and right woman for me when now within my early 40's. Neither of us was even actively looking and it all happened out of the blue. Never went on one traditional date and now we are living together.

 

 

I am a proactive person and always like to know what will happen next. Being this way is not always best when it comes to the wild world of dating. Sometimes, things happen when we least expect. It is important to realize that there are no rules when it comes to all this. No right time and way to meet the right one. Just keep being yourself and let this aspect of your life come to you.

[thekid36]

Agree! I'm in my 40s, dated a lot before married in my 20s, long term marriage, divorce, have had two serious relationships post divorce. Both men said they ready for committed, serious relationship, things going well...but once honeymoon phase over, and some issues came up on both our ends, they bailed! Couldn't handle the rough patches, or me going thru a hard time, needing some support and understanding. Once it stopped being "fun" all the time, and some intimacy and dig down deep, do some work...nope, they didn't want any part of that! So so sad.

 

Leaving me heartbroken. Thought I had a best friend. Not how my best girlfriends treat me! We stand by each other, no matter what! I've been bf with women for 20-30 years! Just can't seem to get that from a man. :-(

 

I'm missing my ex so much. I just wanted him to love me first as a best friend, and treat me as such. But some people have the hugest egos, can't forgive, don't understand women and we get emotional sometimes, say the wrong things, have hard time saying what we want. Especially if our men are sending us mixed messages, not 100% in it with us!!!

 

I wonder if I'm ever going to find a man who understand me! Loves me, all of me! Will stand by me! Not walk away... But until then, alone. Because that's better than being with wrong man again!

 

And my responsibility to change my patterns, who I choose. And take time, no rushing, sex too soon, etc. Find out mans true intentions... :-) Friends first! For awhile!

 

Sorry to hear all of this. Just know that all of your thoughts and actions make complete sense. Being within a relationship means that you are together with one another no matter what. Not only during the most fun of times.

 

 

My ex and I just made the mistake of losing $1500 this week due to a silly scam. Sure, we could have got mad and took it out on one another. Yet, that would not have brought the money back at all. Nor, would it have solved a single thing. It is during the trying times that the true colors of a person come out.

 

 

I love what you say about basically rather being lonely as opposed to feeling alone again. Also, I like that you are not in a rush now. Never settle for less than you happen to deserve.

[BrokenHeartAndWings]

Missy and BrokenHeart, it's certainly not paradise to be this age and dating.

 

BrokenHeart, I also feel a lot of posters are 20-30s and don't get our issues. I wish there was a gender/age line below everyone's names, as people who know they can't relate to a 40 yo woman would not post in their threads, etc. I think this is a very big flaw on LS but oh well.

 

I am feeling better and better about start dating again as the days pass. I went on a unsuccessful date over the weekend but I didn't feel disgusted to be on a date as the first time a month ago, I think it means progress.

 

Missy, we have to keep going and believing... there's no other way. It's hard to find people who are capable of giving back all we do these days, but I still have hope this person is out there waiting for me to find them

 

Totally agree. I don't want to waste another year or two "finding" myself. I know who I am, know what I want, have everything I need in life, been everywhere, done everything, traveled everywhere, dated a lot over the years. I don't feel like I missed anything, I've accomplished nearly everything I've set out to do. I've never been a rebounder, so I'm not worried about it. At this point Yes, I do miss the companionship, daily calls and texts, hugs, kisses, trips, dates. I wonder if I miss the GOOD TIMES more so than I miss him?

 

We have a different mindset. Recovery time is shorter, we move on faster cause we don't want to waste years figuring out who we are and what we want, because we already know.

[Missy0724]

BrokenHeartandWings - Yes, so true and nice to hear that from someone else. I've been on my own since I was 17, many different relationships, traveled the world, have lived in many different places, married for 20 years, a few post divorce relationships in my 40's.

 

I do realize and understand I was perhaps still reeling from all the changes a divorce puts you through! The ringer! But that relationship ran it's course, we got married way too young, we very different, I married him for my needs as a 20 year old: have kids, stay at home mom, white picket fence. It was a marriage of convenience in many ways and bc he was my best friend. But we never had romantic passion, that very important piece!

 

Yes, I can be alone. I've been alone in many ways, my whole life. I was alone in my marriage the last few years. (emotionally) Thank god for my amazing sons and dear friends. As it is today...so I am not really alone!

 

I just want that special someone, friend and lover, to share life with, build a future together. Nothing wrong with that! I'm in my mid 40's! It's time to begin a new chapter! Who the hell wants to be alone when they are 50, 60, 70??? Not me!

 

Just need to find a true, genuine, trustworthy man. A man who is healthy too. Doesn't have to be perfect! I certainly am not! But I'm tired of boys who need "fixing" or have so much baggage, issues, intimacy issues, addictions, can't open up and share with me! Someone frickin' normal! haha

 

A relationship really shouldn't be so much work, and worry! We should be laughing more, on the same page, our pasts behind us, although yes, the do define us. Admit that, embrace that! Let go of resentments, anger, live in the NOW! I want someone who can embrace that with me! Together! No fear! Tired of scared men, or blaming ME because they can't trust me! I'm awesome! Open! So honest! And I hate drama - but can get caught up in it, when it's brought to me...no more drama!!! rrrggg!

 

I will make better choices... That is OUR choice as strong women!

 

We rock! Girl power! :-)