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Soulless and anhedonic...


Beethoven

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I'll be as concise as possible, since words really can't describe how perfect our love was, nor how terribly I feel this pain...

 

We were kind of friends in high school. It never crossed my mind though. I wrote notes to her silly poems, but I just did that sort of thing all the time back then.

 

She moved away to California in 10th grade and I never thought twice about her.

 

6 years later, I was having a particularly awful night. Grad school was hard, and I was having a very trying time while searching for an instrument (I am a classical musician). Music was everything to me, and I didnt have the means to express or adequately represent my gift. At my wits end, chain smoking on my balcony at 4am, I prayed that these frustrations could be resolved....and my phone lit up with her name followed by a nice pleasantry.

 

After four days of talking again, I know I was going to fall severely in love. Sometimes you just know when it's gonna be a biggie. On a total whim (why not life is short) I searched and found a good deal on a plane ticket from Houston to LA, and three weeks later I was free-falling from 10,000ft up in the sky with the love of my life. Literally, we jumped out of a plane...but it functions well as a beautiful metaphor as well.

 

It wasn't perfect. It was Empyrean.

 

I flew out almost every other week to see her, doing my studies on the plane and feeling such beautiful anticipation. She came to see me. We healed each others past scars and filled our lives with memories I will think of on my deathbed. We motivated each other and achieved our personal dreams and goals. She made me into the best possible me there can be. The stars aligned, and the most unbelievable things happened relentlessly. Indefinite long-distance was a laughing matter for us, and she became my best friend by talking every night for hours. And making love with her.....

 

Long story short, when you are in love, anything is possible. I walked into a music school, asked for a job, and got it. I moved to LA.

 

Three weeks after got here though, things got VERY strange all of a sudden. She would be getting drunk and grinding all over randos, calling me while still inebriated to tell me all about it. She would say things were dealbreakers, but I never did those things. Running reasons to be mad for no reason, she reverted to what was basically emotional abuse. Such hurtful things I wont share. She did so many selfish and deliberately hurtful actions without the slightest provocation from me, but had no reason as to why when pressed. Eventually landing on "you are so perfect, I want to see if there is something even more so out there."

 

At this point I reminded her of how we had such passion, so many exciting days, were in a constant state of the most sublime bliss, and how I never ever once hurt her or deserved my love to enact such cruelty....

 

......And then the truth came out.

 

After fighting a fight i didn't know was being fought for me, the racism her parents held forced them to threaten my lover with ostracization and disowning her completely would she not relent. I later saw it first hand. It hurt. They said I was not to ever know so that their reputation might not be hurt and their bigotry not known to anyone else (than one backfired, eh ma?)

 

We tried to stay together, but the terminal diagnosis made being perfectly in love the most painful thing. We finally decided to have one last romantic night, and then end our love story. She begs and demands friendship, almost in a way that would accuse me of being a jerk for not doing so...and she is my best friend, but sine that last night 4 days ago, any thought of her- be it a beautiful memory we shared, or a horrifying imaginary scenario of another man being with the person who meant more than the world to me, sends me careening. It was so so unfair, so painful how she did such awful things to try to push me away. I asked if she did it in order to 'give me a reason' to hate her and dump her. She said yes, but it was always thwarted by my relentless forgiving, compassion, and desire to help figure out why these 'issues' were coming from. Obviously it was unrelated to anything in her, and she just couldn't make me unlove her. We both then saw that had any of those issues had not been contrived, we could have endured anything together...and that sucked...

 

She is my friend, but I am in the worst part of my life. Inescapable pain. I often revel in fantasies of being hit by a semi while driving work. I won't hurt myelf...i think...but part of me is dead. the best in me that she brought out burnt out. I derive no pleasure from anything. The sky is grey and my mind is blank. I lapse into melancholy every couple hours, but then resume looking at the world as if I was an alien. I've been getting worse by the day. I fear I will never find better. She hopes with all of her heart she will find someone to love who is the correct ethnicity for mom. That breaks my heart. She calls me and I can hear her pain. I cry to the point of mild-dehydration daily, haven't slept in four days, haven't eaten, feel no desire to do anything except fathom how I will endure another day. If i will die alone, or next to someone I lie to myself about being more in love with. I want to die. There's so many more beautiful things I could say about us, but you get it.

 

What do I do?

 

I'm falling into a very very bad place- and I mean I am on the brink of seriously losing myself in vain attempts towards the cessation of pain...I've tried all the stuff to do after breakups, with the exception of time....but I know from the death of a previous lover that time cannot heal some wounds.

 

I need some encouragement, and love from the right places. My heart goes out to anyone who has felt this way, I wish my beautiful exgf so many blessings in love and life that she forgets about me and never sheds a tear. I have no hope for me, and no respite from this unbearable pain. Be honest, or encouraging, or sympathetic...I just cant share how deeply im hurting with my family (they know but they don't), and I moved her for her...and now am actually alone without the drive to even get food- let along mingle.

 

Please help...what you read is honestly 1/10th of the pain I feel.

 

Thanks if you read this far, God bless.

~Beethoven

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Oh, Beethoven, you are not alone! I feel the pain in your every word. I am feeling the same. To have a romance unlike any other you've ever had, loved a man more than anyone before, even more than ex husband...and have their feelings turn on a dime... And they run away, unable to deal with issues in the relationship, or in their past. It eventually creeps into the relationship, after the honeymoon phase is over. That is when you find out if someone truly loves you.

 

Sorry, but she didn't. Because two people who love each other, will choose to fight for the relationship, when things get challenging. If only one person trying, to communicate, build trust, be vulnerable, share 100%... It will always fall apart.

 

So many people so emotionally damaged and unavailable. They try, do their best, but they'll never give us healthy people what we want and deserve.

 

So we have to LET GO and wait for healthy people to come into our lives. And DO NOT ignore the red flags, anything questionable. No one is perfect, but when someone loves you - they will never hurt you. We can make mistakes, say the wrong things as times, get emotional, etc. but should be done in honesty and respect. Some people with big egos, can't handle that, the truth.

 

It is HER, not you. You tried! If you know you loved in healthy way, and she did not - why want to be with someone who treats us any less than great! We should not settle! Yet we do, over and over again. Because love is a damn addiction in many ways, and in the beginning, yes, love is so so blind. And some people lie, trick you, to get what they want. People eventually show their true colors... And when they do - say, F you! I'm better than that! I deserve better than that! I am enough! I choose ME! I love me! Because she and others, have been with me, I am loveable! And will find love again!

 

But for now, love YOU! Take care of you, be gentle on yourself. Try to do just one little thing tomorrow, one small positive step. Maybe eat one decent meal. I understand, I've lost 5 lbs. last two weeks due to stress. I found that if I do one small positive thing, and write it down...that helps. Trying to think positive thoughts. That this is meant to be - so the RIGHT person can some day enter my life!

 

Why go somewhere we are not wanted??? No! So wrong and unhealthy!

 

We deserve better! Good luck!!! You are not alone. I'm on my first day of no contact. It's going to be hell. But at least I can acknowledge that... And have compassion for myself. Because right now, all my energy should be on ME, not this person who doesn't deserve my energy any more. Because he made decision he didn't want that time and energy from me! Fine - he gets what he asked for. GOODBYE !!!

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Oh my, missy...you're so so right...her nastiness crept up. And who in their right mind would actively try to emotionally damage their lover because her parents preferences? There's a million better ways to go about saying it just can't be! But constantly evoking jealousy and doubt, then accusing me of things that don't exist...

 

She so convincingly would love me a lot of the time. But I could see it in her eye sat the end...when her mouth says I love you but her eyes betray the words...that's what killed me. It's unmistakeable.

 

Missy I wish you the best, and your post helped move me in the right way:)

 

~Ryan

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Hi, again. I'm glad I helped. I know each day now is going to suck. I feel it, too. I'm trying every day to keep busy, lots of reading, support from friends, etc. But my mind keeps going back to this person.

 

I have been reading a lot about love as an addiction, and when we lose it, after being so used to having this person in our life, in contact with them, sharing life, it's like withdrawal. It's actually physical withdrawal! So what we are feeling is normal and we just have to give it TIME. That is really only thing that is going to help...

 

I know how you feel. Two months before my bf broke up with me, I noticed a huge change. Him pulling away from me, distant, not as affectionate, I always had to instigate. He told me he didn't see a future with my anymore. And blamed ME, because I tried to talk about intimate stuff about his ex. He would get defensive and try to convince me that "once you love someone, you always do...". ??? And you are with me exclusively, why? For seven months you've been chasing me, courting me, talking about a future, saying you are in love with me, wanting to spend so much time with me. Then BAM, nope. Just because I wanted to grow, wanted answers about his ex and why there has been no change in his anger towards her, or new boundaries being set, after their divorce. This woman enters his house like it's still her house, she expects to just pop into their old spaces, like it's no big deal. And it bothers him, yet he did nothing to stand up her, to say NO, STOP. Still appeasing her, out of guilt or shame or whatever. (He cheated on her during marriage, she asked for divorce.) So much history. Fine, I get it.

 

Then he should have never let me on, told me he ready for serious relationship when we met. So irresponsible, and immature. I feel used, like a rebound. I know I was. Stupid me decided it was ok to date a man who just had gotten divorced a month previous. Duh. I take responsibility for that. But I asked him all those important questions, when we met! He said he was ready! So I believed him...

 

I am going back between anger and acceptance. Because I know not being with him is probably the best thing for ME. Trying to convince myself of that. To remember all the negative things, the red flags vs the good stuff.

 

I think that is key for us all to do - Remember the bad things, why we are no longer together. If we were to reconcile with this person, what would change? Would the reason for the break up, be fixed. Really? Be honest with ourselves. Or do just want to go back because it's comfortable...and change, being alone, starting over is so hard!

 

Just remember that look in her eyes. I am remembering the times when I had to initiate affection, when he told me he no longer saw a future with me. When I told him I wanted to hear him say he wasn't in love with his ex anymore, but he couldn't. When he all of a sudden became "busier". Yet still saying, I love you. I'm in love with you. Just to satisfy his own ego, or to make himself feel OK, that he not the bad guy, that he did nothing wrong.

Such BS! People's egos are incredible! Not any one I want to be with! Why?

 

We deserve better! It will come. We must be patient. Anything great is worth waiting for. And it's better to be alone - than be with the wrong person !!!

 

And I will NEVER go where I am NOT WANTED. Ever again! If a man, person, wants us, we will know. There will be no doubt. When it's real, healthy love. Sure, there will be baggage, there will be issues to work through. It's HOW you work TOGETHER that makes all the difference. And if you aren't comfortable with that person, to do that...wrong person. Not your best friend.

 

Pretty simple actually. Hope you are feeling better. This is helping. Just to vent. Thank you for reading! SO great to know we are not alone. Ever.

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I'll be as concise as possible, since words really can't describe how perfect our love was, nor how terribly I feel this pain...

 

We were kind of friends in high school. It never crossed my mind though. I wrote notes to her silly poems, but I just did that sort of thing all the time back then.

 

She moved away to California in 10th grade and I never thought twice about her.

 

6 years later, I was having a particularly awful night. Grad school was hard, and I was having a very trying time while searching for an instrument (I am a classical musician). Music was everything to me, and I didnt have the means to express or adequately represent my gift. At my wits end, chain smoking on my balcony at 4am, I prayed that these frustrations could be resolved....and my phone lit up with her name followed by a nice pleasantry.

 

After four days of talking again, I know I was going to fall severely in love. Sometimes you just know when it's gonna be a biggie. On a total whim (why not life is short) I searched and found a good deal on a plane ticket from Houston to LA, and three weeks later I was free-falling from 10,000ft up in the sky with the love of my life. Literally, we jumped out of a plane...but it functions well as a beautiful metaphor as well.

 

It wasn't perfect. It was Empyrean.

 

I flew out almost every other week to see her, doing my studies on the plane and feeling such beautiful anticipation. She came to see me. We healed each others past scars and filled our lives with memories I will think of on my deathbed. We motivated each other and achieved our personal dreams and goals. She made me into the best possible me there can be. The stars aligned, and the most unbelievable things happened relentlessly. Indefinite long-distance was a laughing matter for us, and she became my best friend by talking every night for hours. And making love with her.....

 

Long story short, when you are in love, anything is possible. I walked into a music school, asked for a job, and got it. I moved to LA.

 

Three weeks after got here though, things got VERY strange all of a sudden. She would be getting drunk and grinding all over randos, calling me while still inebriated to tell me all about it. She would say things were dealbreakers, but I never did those things. Running reasons to be mad for no reason, she reverted to what was basically emotional abuse. Such hurtful things I wont share. She did so many selfish and deliberately hurtful actions without the slightest provocation from me, but had no reason as to why when pressed. Eventually landing on "you are so perfect, I want to see if there is something even more so out there."

 

At this point I reminded her of how we had such passion, so many exciting days, were in a constant state of the most sublime bliss, and how I never ever once hurt her or deserved my love to enact such cruelty....

 

......And then the truth came out.

 

After fighting a fight i didn't know was being fought for me, the racism her parents held forced them to threaten my lover with ostracization and disowning her completely would she not relent. I later saw it first hand. It hurt. They said I was not to ever know so that their reputation might not be hurt and their bigotry not known to anyone else (than one backfired, eh ma?)

 

We tried to stay together, but the terminal diagnosis made being perfectly in love the most painful thing. We finally decided to have one last romantic night, and then end our love story. She begs and demands friendship, almost in a way that would accuse me of being a jerk for not doing so...and she is my best friend, but sine that last night 4 days ago, any thought of her- be it a beautiful memory we shared, or a horrifying imaginary scenario of another man being with the person who meant more than the world to me, sends me careening. It was so so unfair, so painful how she did such awful things to try to push me away. I asked if she did it in order to 'give me a reason' to hate her and dump her. She said yes, but it was always thwarted by my relentless forgiving, compassion, and desire to help figure out why these 'issues' were coming from. Obviously it was unrelated to anything in her, and she just couldn't make me unlove her. We both then saw that had any of those issues had not been contrived, we could have endured anything together...and that sucked...

 

She is my friend, but I am in the worst part of my life. Inescapable pain. I often revel in fantasies of being hit by a semi while driving work. I won't hurt myelf...i think...but part of me is dead. the best in me that she brought out burnt out. I derive no pleasure from anything. The sky is grey and my mind is blank. I lapse into melancholy every couple hours, but then resume looking at the world as if I was an alien. I've been getting worse by the day. I fear I will never find better. She hopes with all of her heart she will find someone to love who is the correct ethnicity for mom. That breaks my heart. She calls me and I can hear her pain. I cry to the point of mild-dehydration daily, haven't slept in four days, haven't eaten, feel no desire to do anything except fathom how I will endure another day. If i will die alone, or next to someone I lie to myself about being more in love with. I want to die. There's so many more beautiful things I could say about us, but you get it.

 

What do I do?

 

I'm falling into a very very bad place- and I mean I am on the brink of seriously losing myself in vain attempts towards the cessation of pain...I've tried all the stuff to do after breakups, with the exception of time....but I know from the death of a previous lover that time cannot heal some wounds.

 

I need some encouragement, and love from the right places. My heart goes out to anyone who has felt this way, I wish my beautiful exgf so many blessings in love and life that she forgets about me and never sheds a tear. I have no hope for me, and no respite from this unbearable pain. Be honest, or encouraging, or sympathetic...I just cant share how deeply im hurting with my family (they know but they don't), and I moved her for her...and now am actually alone without the drive to even get food- let along mingle.

 

Please help...what you read is honestly 1/10th of the pain I feel.

 

Thanks if you read this far, God bless.

~Beethoven

 

I, I can't say much to help you right now, for my very soul is shaken. This, which I do not find hard to call poem, is one of the most ispiring texts I read on the forum, or in the last months for the matter.

 

A soul able to produce art like this doesn't deserve being hurt in such a despicable way (and I mean it - the very reasons of your break-up are hideous, for racism is the bane of human existance alltogether).

 

My greatest sympathies to you, my friend. Know in your pain that there is someone who would love to be able to write something like what you wrote.

 

Hugs,

- Erl

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