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Prenatal Dna Test comes up not my kid :/


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I'm 22 and my girlfriend is about to turn 20. We have been on and off for the last 3 years. We've had some emotional infidelity on both ends of the spectrum and a heck of a roller coaster relationship. I love the girl to death though and when we go on breaks I just miss the hell out of her. We argue like we're married and I haven't even put a ring on her finger yet :lmao: We drive each other nuts but we always come back to each other in some way. The problem is I've always been the communicator in the relationship and she doesn't know the first thing about talking out her problems. I speak for both of us and it gets tiring fast. It has led to us going on a lot of short term breaks that didn't need to happen.

 

Rewind 8 months ago from now:

 

Girlfriend went off to on campus community college 4 hours away. We new we could make it through so it didn't seem like a big deal. 3 months into her 5 months semester she comes down to spend the week with me. We have sex several times (no big deal) and she heads back down to school. She comes back down two weeks later and tells me the long distance thing is getting to her and couldn't do it. I was super upset because I couldn't change her mind from over 150 miles away. I basically told her I was fed up with all the breaks and if she got out of the car we were done for good. She cried but ended up leaving the car without giving me much of an explanation (major lack of communication). I get a call from my mom about two months ago telling me my ex got a hold of her and told her she's pregnant. I thought it was a lie at first but went to one of the appointments with my ex. The doctor said she was a little more then 8 weeks pregnant which put her back to the time frame when she was out visiting me for that week. I ended up talking with my ex about some things and found out she had multiple stints with a guy at her college the week after we had broken up. This guy basically turned into a psycho and threatened my ex and her unborn baby if she even thought about having the baby. Me and my ex started hanging out again. She seemed to have gotten better with communication and she was becoming part of my life again. I knew this time around she was carrying a baby that may or may not be mine but things were changing. My family and I put up quite a bit of cash to get a prenatal pregnancy test and I just found out today the baby is not mine :/. If I would have heard this news 2 or 3 months ago I wouldn't have cared much. This girl has come back into my life and all the old love has resurrected itself in my heart. I don't have the best job, I was worried about taking care of my OWN kid had it been mine but now I have an option to be the dad of a little girl who we know isn't mine. It hurts because i love this girl and we always talked about having a family when we had the funds to do so. It also hurts because I know this childs dad wont be in their life because he's a low life.

 

I don't know what to do and I need some feedback. My brain tells me I should cut ties because it's not my kid and find someone to start new with and have my own child. My heart tells me I love this girl and we can always have a kid of our own in the future.

 

Thank you for reading.

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Shields boy

Wow dude, tough times and decisions for you.

 

On the face of it, it sounds like it was an unhealthy relationship to begin with. Your young and now have the perfect excuse let go of this girl and try and move on. If I was honest, she sounds a bit of a nightmare.

 

Although it's a big decision for the conscience this one, because if you do truly love her and can imagine spending the rest of your life with her. Then stay by her side.

 

I would let my head rule my heart on this one buddy.

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Rewind 8 months ago from now:

 

Girlfriend went off to on campus community college 4 hours away. We new we could make it through so it didn't seem like a big deal. 3 months into her 5 months semester she comes down to spend the week with me. We have sex several times (no big deal) and she heads back down to school.

I'm not sure of the precise timeline, but you did say that the estimate of conception roughly corresponded with the time she was back to see you and have sex with you. At 8 weeks, they are pretty good at estimating the age, and I think I recall that they are not likely to be two weeks off on that estimate (did they do it via an ultrasound? Do they still do it by measuring "Crown-Rump-Length" or "CRL"? I think they wouldn't be two weeks off out of an 8 week estimate...)

 

And yet, it's not yours. Which means those alleged "multiple stints with a guy the week after we broke up" would have happened 2-3 weeks later. If the baby was conceived around the time she was having sex with you, then that means she was having sex with someone else either soon before or after you.

 

Is it possible that she cheated on you, and had unprotected sex, then to cover her tracks, came home and had unprotected sex with you, so in case she got pregnant, you'd think it was yours? (Which you would have...)

 

Does her having "multiple stints the week after you broke up" really fit the timeline?

 

I don't know - it's a side note, but a major worry for me that you guys seem to be having unprotected sex, and she was also having unprotected sex with the alleged psycho as well.

 

I think I would definitely get my calendar out, and compare the estimate of conception with the dates you had sex, and the dates she CLAIMS she had her multiple stints. Those are far enough apart that it should either smell right, or will stink.

 

If she likely cheated on you, then I would definitely pull the plug.

 

If it seems like the 2-3 weeks later thing really pencils out, then you still have a difficult decision to make. Sitting where I am now, I would probably say don't stay with her, but I'm jaded and cynical.

 

But here's the thing: you are considering committing your life to this woman and immediately raising a family. Don't do that if you have reservations, and are assuming that she will somehow magically change for the better in some undefined process, at some undefined later time.

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The only reason you two are even talking to each other right now is because she was scared, and you were her doormat.

 

Cut all ties quickly now, or else - depending on where you live - you will have to pay for her/their needs anyway.

Your heart is deceived. Follow your brains.

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Before there was a child involved, this didn't seem like a loving relationship. It seems that you two were codependent more than in love.

 

If you guys couldn't stay together without a child, then the likelihood of you building a solid relationship with her now that she has someone else's child is very slim. Don't put yourself through that heartache. Don't confuse this innocent child by interjecting yourself in its life knowing that you're not the father and knowing that you've only had a rocky relationship at best with its mother. It's not fair to you or the child. Stay as far away from this mess as you can.

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Philosoraptor

Listen to your brain. Healthy relationships do not feel like roller coasters. And being her safety net is not going to bring you a happy future.

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Always Pondering

The cycle will repeat itself and you'll probably end up in a worse position than you are now if you throw yourself into this. You're not responsible for her happiness or her baby (which is not yours) so there's no reason to do this. 22 is fairly young, she's even younger. When a child comes into your life, you bear a lot of responsibilities and have to commit a lot of time to him/her.

 

Save your love and firstborn for someone who really loves you and stays with you.

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You are super young and in an unhealthy relationship. Thank your lucky stars you aren't the father! And get an std test!

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I disagree that there's any likelihood of cheating. When a pregnancy is dated, an extra two weeks are added that occur BEFORE conception. So if conception occurred on January 15, and a positive pregnancy test is taken on January 30, the woman is considered 4 weeks pregnant (not 2 weeks pregnant, even though it's only been 2 weeks since conception) on January 30. So 8 weeks pregnant is really 6 weeks from conception.

 

I doubt she cheated. The timing lines up.

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learning_slowly

Get checked for std's asap.

 

I thought I was in a monogamous relationship and then discovered I had a rash. I was scared about what else she had picked up.

 

I went for a test and was scared to death for 2 weeks. Luckily I was all clean. But it definitely made me change my attitudes to trusting others and wearing condoms.

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who would put your life at risk like that? I know I don't!

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I disagree that there's any likelihood of cheating. When a pregnancy is dated, an extra two weeks are added that occur BEFORE conception. So if conception occurred on January 15, and a positive pregnancy test is taken on January 30, the woman is considered 4 weeks pregnant (not 2 weeks pregnant, even though it's only been 2 weeks since conception) on January 30. So 8 weeks pregnant is really 6 weeks from conception.

 

I doubt she cheated. The timing lines up.

My kids are already teenagers, so I had forgotten about the 2 week offset between conception and when they count the "official" weeks of the pregnancy to begin. You are correct, they always start counting the pregnancy weeks so "zero" lines up with "LMP", the beginning of the mother's last menstrual period. Ovulation and conception are then generally assumed to happen around 14 days after that (with some significant uncertainty...)

 

However, when the OP said this:

The doctor said she was a little more then 8 weeks pregnant which put her back to the time frame when she was out visiting me for that week.
It's possible that he's a smart guy and is already factoring that in - especially given that he specifically said he went to one of the appointments at which they discussed with the doctor the progress of the pregnancy. It's not unusual for a doctor to say, especially when the idiot father is there and trying to understand all of this new stuff: "you're 8 weeks pregnant, which means you conceived around 6 weeks ago...") and if the OP is thinking "yeah, we were together 6 weeks ago" then that brings us right back to the possibility that she was having sex with psycho-other-guy close to that same time, and not 2-3 weeks later. jrizz - can you clarify?

 

(Although this may seem academic, it may be useful for the OP to understand how likely it was that she was cheating on him when he thought they were together, vs. having a fling a week after they broke up, which would separate her sexual partners by 2-3 weeks.)

 

Although either way, I agree with the others that this relationship does not seem to have "success" written all over it - or even in the fine print.

 

If the main thing that has changed is the fact that she's now in desperate, pregnant need of your help - suddenly she's an adorable, cute puppy - that isn't really a sound basis to decide, "This is the person I want to be life partners with."

Edited by Trimmer
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I disagree that there's any likelihood of cheating. When a pregnancy is dated, an extra two weeks are added that occur BEFORE conception. So if conception occurred on January 15, and a positive pregnancy test is taken on January 30, the woman is considered 4 weeks pregnant (not 2 weeks pregnant, even though it's only been 2 weeks since conception) on January 30. So 8 weeks pregnant is really 6 weeks from conception.

 

I doubt she cheated. The timing lines up.

 

I'm not sure I understand this post correctly, but I'll respond double then:

 

If you mean cheating before the pregnancy: OF COURSE she cheated. Hence the DNA test proving that he's not the father.

 

If you mean cheating after the pregnancy: Who cares? He's about to sign up for a life with a girl who could care less about him, even though he isn't obligated in any way to become her slave.

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As a woman POV, having a child in the relationship doesn't mean you are tied to that person, whether or not the child is yours. Your responsibilities lies with the child IF the child is yours. Now doesn't matter if she is cheating or not, you have the result and you need to decide.

 

Now as the child is not yours, the responsibility lies with the child's dad, or if he is a deadbeat, then the mom.

 

You are not required to take care of her or the child. She's an adult who have put herself in this situation. If you love her, by all means, bearing in mind the longer you are with her, the closer you are with the child and it'll be harder to leave if the relationship turned back to what it once was. Now statistically, second chances relationships very seldom work out.. and if you backed out now, it doesn't mean you can't reunite further down the road.

 

There's no heart in this matter. Feeling changes all the time, you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to handle all the different scenarios in your head and decide on one.

Edited by sugarlove
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If you mean cheating before the pregnancy: OF COURSE she cheated. Hence the DNA test proving that he's not the father.

 

The OP said that they broke up. Based on the way pregnancies are counted, it's possible that she conceived the child 2 weeks after they broke up. If that timeline is accurate, it's not cheating.

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I admire the fact that you are considering taking on responsibility for the child ... I don't think I could.

 

You have to be absolutely clear in your head if you decide to proceed to stay with this woman and the baby as in my opinion, your decision could turn round and bite you very hard in the future. For me, the thought that this baby is not my own would bother me and would plague my thoughts whenever that was a rough patch in the relationship. The baby is innocent but facts are facts. Don't get sucked in reminiscing on the past as the situation from here onwards is pretty much unchartered waters and you cannot let your heart rule your thoughts!

 

Best of luck!

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The OP said that they broke up. Based on the way pregnancies are counted, it's possible that she conceived the child 2 weeks after they broke up. If that timeline is accurate, it's not cheating.

 

Alright, no cheating then. But with that past of their "relationship" he's about to sign his life away. And it needn't be a good one. Just read from all those guys who were left by cheating women and left the kids in their care while going out to screw around...

 

Boy, you're risking quite a lot.

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Alright, no cheating then. But with that past of their "relationship" he's about to sign his life away. And it needn't be a good one. Just read from all those guys who were left by cheating women and left the kids in their care while going out to screw around...

 

Boy, you're risking quite a lot.

Hey, I'm right there with you on all of that. I just wanted to clarify that there's enough ambiguity in the OP's information presented her that we can't be sure she cheated yet. Cheating is a big accusation, with big emotional consequences, so it deserves to be treated seriously.

 

Other than that, I totally agree - I'm not real optimistic about the foundation of this relationship, or his reasons for diving back into it now.

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Why is there even a thought of sticking around when you know that she is carrying a baby that isn't yours?

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i haven't read through all the replies, but i did read enough to hear whether she cheated or not.

 

WHO CARES?? even if she didn't technically cheat, she wanted to, so dumped this guy without a care in the world because all of a sudden this long distance relationship "can't work anymore" and started hooking up with this other dude unprotected. the only reason she came back is b/c the other dude is a psycho and she realizes she currently has no reasonable candidate for father aka support of money and care for this child.

 

any self-respecting man would spend ZERO time on this "tough decision". this headcase is no longer your problem. you dodged an epic bullet, and you need to find more quality girls in the future. do not throw your life away for a girl that gives zero f*cks about you until she's in desperate need.

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you dodged an epic bullet, and you need to find more quality girls in the future.

 

Actually I believe he's about to take the bullet anyway.

 

If you listen closely, you can hear the many "NOes" in the background from all those men on the planet who didn't even get the change to find cover.

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The DNA test proved he isn't the father. What could very well happen is this psycho ex could come back and demand full or partial custody just to get a tax break or to apply for welfare or to say he's had a change of heart. What if she goes back to him?

 

Find someone stable with whom you can have your own children. This is NOT your child and the sooner you come to realize it the better. Otherwise you will be stuck paying child support with the axe hanging over your ex of the real father wanting custody. Wake up and grow up! You will wind up bitter and jaded if you don't.

 

Tell her to put bio dad's name on the birth certificate so she can get money through the courts.

Edited by FitChick
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  • 2 weeks later...
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Thank you everybody for your replies. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back on this forum to check up on all of your responses but I was without internet and taking the whole situation pretty hard..

 

UPDATE:

 

I continued to talk to her for about a week after finding out the child was not mine. My heart was telling me this was an unsure situation that could lead to the ultimate heartbreak, but my mind kept telling me I couldn't do better and to stay. She's was completely dependent the whole three years of our relationship and I was tired of the money situation not being a two way street. I told her we needed to do our own thing until she showed me she could be a self sufficient mother and take care of her child whether I was in the picture or not. Long story short she ended up telling me I deserved better and to move on with my life because she felt like I was holding her back. It's been four days since we've talked and it hurts a bit. I lost most of my good friends during our relationship due to personal choice, so now I sit at home and in a way forced to think about everything. Going to try to move on day by day.

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