Struggling again with a new girl

[Chris715]

Hey everyone, it's been awhile since I've posted here but I've been going through a hard time lately and need a place to vent.

 

After dealing with all of the fall out of the break up with my first ex a year and a half ago: the depression, the zero confidence, the struggle to not contact her, I finally improved this year after maintaining NC with her since September of last year. Since then I've gone on dates with a few girls but nothing at all serious, and then fell pretty hard for a girl I was working with.

 

I was immediately attracted to her and after getting to know her over the course of a month or so got her number and started casually dating. Looking back on it there were tons of red flags that I recognize, some that I even saw at the time but ignored. She was having problems with an ex that she wanted to remain "friends" with, had huge trust and depression issues from her past, coupled with my confidence and depression issues, yeah the whole thing wasn't looking so good.

 

Things were great at first and then I started to become needy. I would text her more and more constantly, stress when I didn't hear back from her right away, that sort of thing. And again, I realize this all stems back to my confidence issues and depression, with me thinking how amazing this girl was, how I would never find someone else like her, how I was lucky to be dating her. The more I pursued her the more she pulled away until finally it was pretty clear she wanted nothing to do with me. Instead of being direct and breaking things off with me she went on to ignore me more and more, and then started dating other guys.

 

I've been seriously hurt over this entire thing and I don't even know why. I really liked this girl but only dated her for a couple of months and here I am after it's over, dwelling on her and the entire thing, unable to move on. Kicking myself over and over because I realize that most of the falling out was my fault, being a needy, depressed idiot.

 

It's the second "break up" I've ever had to deal with and I'm beginning to see how terribly I deal with rejection from women. At a loss today and feeling pretty worthless.

[Itspointless]

I am sorry man. Rejection is never fun when it happen to you, I know ... Perhaps it is an idea to do this test and read up on the outcome: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Learn as much as you can about yourself and how it has come to be like this. It isn't always fun, but than again it almost never is if we really want to improve ourselves to be more secure and balanced in the end.

[d0nnivain]

You are not worthless; you are in a learning mode. You learned (or should have) not to ignore the red flags.

 

Give yourself the weekend to grieve but then pick yourself up, dust yourself off & try again.

 

Because guess what? you also learned that your 1st EX is not the only person in the world & it is possible for you to be attracted to someone else.

[Chris715]

You are not worthless; you are in a learning mode. You learned (or should have) not to ignore the red flags.

 

Give yourself the weekend to grieve but then pick yourself up, dust yourself off & try again.

 

Because guess what? you also learned that your 1st EX is not the only person in the world & it is possible for you to be attracted to someone else.

 

I honestly feel like I'm in no position to date right now. I quit my job and need to start looking for another one soon (it was a part time thing I was working on the side of school), my depression and self esteem have never been worse with all that's happened, and I'm in danger of flunking out of college. Even IF I did manage to find a girl who was happy to date me and I was happy with it wouldn't be fair to her to drag her into my mess I've created. I wish it would take me a weekend to get over this girl but as hard as I've been trying I've been dwelling on it for over a week now.

 

Yeah I'm pathetic, you all can go ahead and tell me.

[todreaminblue]

do you want to feel pathetic, and be told that, well sorry, you are not pathetic, we all have to learn with dating, some times you date rats and sometimes you find the llamas and you end up having a llama to date....

 

I haven't found my llama yet either.....take some time out to heal sounds like you took quite a blow to your confidence which actually is very normal...means you have a heart....

 

 

 

and get back out there and find your llama....i am going llama hunting next week.....i have a full week with plans, so yeah i don't make llama hunting central to my being....i can survive without a llama and its harder for me because i have to find a llama that is faith driven...i have to find a god fearing llama...but ill get there.....and so will you...just because you find rats ....doesn't mean you wont recognise a rat from a llama next time.....so dont give up...ride on.....deb

[d0nnivain]

Concentrating on getting a new job & making sure you don't flunk out of college are good goals. They actually show you have your priorities in order.

 

When I said start again I didn't only mean get a new girl I meant rebuild yourself.

 

You are not pathetic. You are depressed

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, you were convinced that you couldn't attract another girl after the original relationship that brought you here died. But guess what? You did. So you obviously have it in you. It sucks it didn't work out and there seem to be things that you need to work on, but that's part of living and growing. At this point, it should be clear you have value to the opposite sex. So use that as a shot of confidence. If you can build up that confidence, I'm thinking that all these other problems that have arisen (tough time in school, clingyness with women) will solve themselves.

 

There's obviously potential there. You just need to stop being your own worst critic. Stop anticipating the worst, and you'll experience the best.

[Jono85]

hey man, i don't have the magical key to get you out of your rut, but I seem to share a lot in common with you. I just made a thread last week with a similar undertone. if you wish, read it; it might help to know there's someone else fighting the same fight, and probably even WORSE (I'm 28 and just went back to finish my undergrad, living at home with parents, broke, jobless, girl-less, just also got turned down by a prospect, etc etc.)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/481993-frustrated-28-yo-guy

 

 

I've since created a thread about 100 days of studying for a very important finance designation exam. It's hard, to be hurt with regard to the opposite sex, but if there's one piece of advice I can provide you, that I'm working hard towards actually practicing, is to get your priorities straight. Women/girls should NOT be our priorities right now. We are not in a place of comfort where we can afford to take time that would otherwise be spent on bettering our lives, and areas about our self that we can CONTROL, and put that time into young girls who change their mind on a daily basis. It's a losing proposition.

 

I'm not saying forget women all together. God do I love women; it's a very hard thing to do, but I'm finally realizing the necessity of it. I'll never land the woman that I want to if my life isn't where I want it to be. I realized that the woman that I eventually want to marry, as shallow and weird as it may sound, should never settle for me as I am right now. I'm not saying that I need to have everything sorted out and taken care of, but the man I want to become is a man that gets things done and takes care of problems, is fully dependent and doesn't let women get in the way of those things. I can't be thinking about women all the time when my finances, my career, my independence are hurting so badly. The longer I leave these things and procrastinate on them, the longer I'll be unhappy in relationships b/c I'm likely not fetching the kind of high value girls I want to date.

 

So even though my last serious relationship ended about 2 years ago now, and I'm starving for a relationship, I'm not going to really pursue girls heavily until I progress on my most important life goals and get things in motion. What you're going through hurts; I cried a few times over the most recent girl becoming disinterested b/c like you, I'm hurting all around right now and my self-esteem is shot. But I think you should also consider licking your wounds and going to work on your school or finding a job or whatever's important to you. Girls will come and go. Don't waste your life not paying attention to what's really important to you.

[Chris715]

Thanks for the input and advice everyone, all of it is appreciated. Woke up today thinking about her, so not a great start I don't even know why I feel this way about a girl I only dated for a couple of months. Maybe it has to do with the low self esteem and the depression.

 

She opened up to me about a lot of personal things over that time too, and of course me being the "fixer", just like with my first ex, that probably had me feeling really close when I thought I needed to help her. Of course then it gets to the point where she only calls or texts me when she needed support from someone and went about her merry way when she was feeling better, with plenty of other guys to talk to and flirt with.

 

Just venting some more I guess, not looking like a good day.

[Zapbasket]

if there's one piece of advice I can provide you, that I'm working hard towards actually practicing, is to get your priorities straight. Women/girls should NOT be our priorities right now. We are not in a place of comfort where we can afford to take time that would otherwise be spent on bettering our lives, and areas about our self that we can CONTROL, and put that time into young girls who change their mind on a daily basis. It's a losing proposition.

 

I'm not saying forget women all together. God do I love women; it's a very hard thing to do, but I'm finally realizing the necessity of it. I'll never land the woman that I want to if my life isn't where I want it to be. I realized that the woman that I eventually want to marry, as shallow and weird as it may sound, should never settle for me as I am right now. I'm not saying that I need to have everything sorted out and taken care of, but the man I want to become is a man that gets things done and takes care of problems, is fully dependent and doesn't let women get in the way of those things. I can't be thinking about women all the time when my finances, my career, my independence are hurting so badly. The longer I leave these things and procrastinate on them, the longer I'll be unhappy in relationships b/c I'm likely not fetching the kind of high value girls I want to date.

 

This is FANTASTIC advice, and a GREAT approach. I'm female, and have had a string of very unsatisfactory relationships. I've put myself in therapy and am not the least bit interested in dating right now while I regroup myself. I've been out of a relationship for almost a year, and it's possible I may need another year, or close to it, to get humming and happy in my own life, on my own. Only then will I be ready to recognize and accept the kind of intimate, mutual, expanding relationship I want.

 

If only everyone thought this way, the dating pool would be so much less murky, so much less glutted with people who hinge their happiness and sense of self on usually completely unworthy people whom they put on pedestals due to their own shaky opinion of themselves.

[Zapbasket]

and of course me being the "fixer", just like with my first ex, that probably had me feeling really close when I thought I needed to help her

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, Chris.

 

You can NEVER be someone's "fixer." None of us has the power to "fix" someone else; change is internally motivated only--no one can MAKE someone change. I'm struggling to learn this lesson, too. I'm empathic to a fault and end up making endless excuses for people, at the expense of getting my own needs met. This is left over from childhood dynamics and in romantic relationships it has only brought me hurt and disappointment.

 

The only house we can ever get in order is our own. At most we can only serve as encouragement and moral support for others striving to fix themselves. If they don't have any motivation or desire to "fix" something they may or may not even RECOGNIZE is broken, there simply is nothing you can do.

 

Just think how nice it will be one day to be with someone you don't have to try to "fix" because she already is a self-aware, fully realized person who takes the responsibility for her own growth and well being. It will feel SO MUCH BETTER than anything you ever had with this girl.

[Chris715]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Chris.

 

You can NEVER be someone's "fixer." None of us has the power to "fix" someone else; change is internally motivated only--no one can MAKE someone change. I'm struggling to learn this lesson, too. I'm empathic to a fault and end up making endless excuses for people, at the expense of getting my own needs met. This is left over from childhood dynamics and in romantic relationships it has only brought me hurt and disappointment.

 

The only house we can ever get in order is our own. At most we can only serve as encouragement and moral support for others striving to fix themselves. If they don't have any motivation or desire to "fix" something they may or may not even RECOGNIZE is broken, there simply is nothing you can do.

 

Just think how nice it will be one day to be with someone you don't have to try to "fix" because she already is a self-aware, fully realized person who takes the responsibility for her own growth and well being. It will feel SO MUCH BETTER than anything you ever had with this girl.

What is it with me with attracting these "broken" girls? One of the reasons I think I'm having such a hard time getting over this is the similarity between this "break up" and the one with my first ex.

 

Both were girls from work who then started seeing other people from work after we broke it off, and let me tell you I learned my lesson the first time and wasn't about to stick around for that now. Both had issues with depression and self harm, opened up to me about it, and even though I wanted to help left me emotionally drained. I think the fixing mentality is one of the things that makes me feel so close to them and then they pull away and it feels like all they wanted from me was some support for their problems, but they don't care about me. I realize I have plenty of my own problems I need to work on at this point. And I'm an idiot for ignoring the red flags in these two different instances of dating, both times thinking "it's ok, I really like this girl, I need to power through it and help her get better".

[Zapbasket]

What is it with me with attracting these "broken" girls?

 

I think the fixing mentality is one of the things that makes me feel so close to them and then they pull away and it feels like all they wanted from me was some support for their problems, but they don't care about me. I realize I have plenty of my own problems I need to work on at this point. And I'm an idiot for ignoring the red flags in these two different instances of dating, both times thinking "it's ok, I really like this girl, I need to power through it and help her get better".

 

Your question is one I'm struggling with, too. I think it's absolutely imperative we answer it for ourselves, otherwise we'll continue to fall prey to the same pattern.

 

I'm still really struggling with my breakup (we've been broken up going on a year now, and it still is very, very hard), but even though I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be in my coping, one clear piece of progress is that intellectually, at least, I understand that a healthy, worthwhile relationship is only possible between two whole, healthy individuals. Finding yourself in a "fixer" dynamic indicates that something is off--with you, for accepting such a role, and with her, for having a brokenness of which she may or may not be aware but that sets off your spidey senses and puts you in "fixer" mode. As soon as that dynamic starts up, it's time to abort mission! But that means you must work on YOU so that you are not susceptible to falling into the "fixer" role and the delusion that such a dynamic is "normal."

 

My pattern is to try to "help" men who are emotionally closed off in some way. They lure me in by implicitly or explicitly asking me to help draw them out, but then when I do, they fight me and by extension, the our relationship itself. I try harder and harder to singlehandedly right the situation and end up feeling increasingly frustrated and demoralized; they blame me for the problems in the relationship and then dump me like they never cared about me in the first place (which they probably never did). And they refuse ever to have anything to do with me again.

 

It's brutal and after three rounds of this dynamic over the past decade, I feel spiritually and psychologically depleted. I'm in therapy so that I can learn why I am susceptible to this kind of dynamic and how to fix myself so that I never end up in it again. I think the only way to get to the bottom of unhealthy patterns and loosen their grip on you is to get some kind of psychological assistance from a qualified professional. I hope you have access to such a benefit.

 

All this to say: you're not alone. It's not easy but my friends and family all assure me that if I do the work, much, much better awaits me, and though I struggle to believe it sometimes, I trust them and so they must be right. Same goes for you.

Edited July 7, 2014 by GreenCove

[Itspointless]

Hi Chris, I will stick with my first comment. I think the outcome of that test will most prabably show you the beginning of your path. When reading up it will probably also answer some of your questions about why you are atrackted to these woman: most likely because these woman remind you of a dynamic you are used to.

 

This (http://www.howwelove.com/love-style-quiz/) is another test I found a few days ago and is actually insideful too. It finds its inspiration in the theories used for that other test. I recommened you do both

[AnyaNova]

The problem with fixing.

 

1) They will fix themselves while you are with them. This happens quite rarely.

 

2) They choose not to fix themselves, and since they know that remaining broken doesn't make you happy, they will leave you.

 

I've been a fixer, and have dearly paid the price. Have you looked up much on codependency?

[Chris715]

The problem with fixing.

 

1) They will fix themselves while you are with them. This happens quite rarely.

 

2) They choose not to fix themselves, and since they know that remaining broken doesn't make you happy, they will leave you.

 

I've been a fixer, and have dearly paid the price. Have you looked up much on codependency?

 

I'm aware that I've been dependant on girls recently for my happiness and that it's not healthy, but other than that not really.

[AnyaNova]

I'm aware that I've been dependant on girls recently for my happiness and that it's not healthy, but other than that not really.

 

 

Codependency is often the root of the need to "fix" and it really permeates everything in a relationship for the worse. I highly recommend you check out Melody Beattie's Codependent No More.

[Itspointless]

The problem with fixing.

 

1) They will fix themselves while you are with them. This happens quite rarely.

 

2) They choose not to fix themselves, and since they know that remaining broken doesn't make you happy, they will leave you.

 

I've been a fixer, and have dearly paid the price. Have you looked up much on codependency?

In retrospect I figured out it was option two - due to things she literally said- in combination with major stress. It is the challenge to look to the dynamic between you and the other.

Edited July 9, 2014 by Itspointless

[todreaminblue]

we are all broken...all to varying degrees, anyone who says they arent broken hasnt had a heart that has cared for someone and been let down ..me i have ebeen smashed into the concrete at high speed, stomped on when i have tried to get up literally....abused and discarded i sound a mess huh.......and then i have been folded in half backwards literally raped and it goes on and gets repetitive...still didnt stop me even if i walked for a penguin for six months ridiculed taunted and isolated...still here ...haha...I made it......smilin...the human penguin can walk and dance again and i can dance in rings and sideways too

 

 

life is full of heartbreak ....theres always a superceded joy but if you havent experienced feeling broken you havent lived yet...and it is possible to fix people ....not erase hurts and brokenness but scars we can be that soothing salve to them ...its what god gave us hearts to do to be like salve fro others and ourselves.....he holds the tube while we dispense........i find this happens when you are the right person for someone......its not dependency its not codependency its beign able to make someone feel good abiut themselves and when you are with and surrounded by the right people your brokenness isnt such a big issue....some peopel want to walk into a perfect house perfect person and not see the flaws...i see the flaws, i know the risks and i walk in regardless......i am handy with a hammer and a forehead prod and poke reminder now and again..i am not scared of broken people.....because i am one.....and admit it.perfect people are much more scary.......because they lie and breathe in deception ......

 

 

the relationship didnt work because you werent a match......not because she was broken.....deb

Edited July 9, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Chris715]

The fact that I'm single with zero dating prospects in my life right now has really been getting to me lately. I've been really slow on the uptake of dating. I had my first girlfriend at 21, was hung up on her for a year and a half after we broke up, I'm 23 now. I had a few "rebound dates" as I started to get over her earlier this year and then fell really hard for a girl I worked with this summer.

 

Dating this other girl was a terrible experience and I'm starting to think that I'm just bad at this entire thing and unable to attract a girl who's good for me and I'm attracted to. Tons and tons of people in my life, siblings and friends, seem to breeze through dating, going from one person to the next, and here I am hung up on two girls I've liked over the course of three years and unable to meet a new girl.

 

I feel out of the loop socially, especially these last couple of years with all of my confidence and depression issues. I have a hard enough time meeting and relating to a girl and once I finally meet her I end up scaring her away with projecting neediness. I realize that getting my life on track right now is important: I need to start doing well in college so I can get my degree and not drop out and I need to find another job, but it could take years before all of these things in my life are "sorted out".

 

Just annoyed and frustrated tonight. With all the people in my life so happily in relationships, at myself for being stuck in this giant rut again, for the girls I've dated for all the emotional pain they've caused me, some of it on purpose some of it not.

 

If anyone else needs to vent or has similar experiences to share, be my guest.

[Jono85]

i basically wrote the same thread a little while ago, only I'm 28 so don't feel so bad. here's a link if it helps you to relate a little and show you that there are other guys out there dealing with it..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/481993-frustrated-28-yo-guy

 

 

my advice: you're 23. listen, i know it sucks where you are right now, but your 28 yo you (ie. me..lol) is begging you right now to take care of the important stuff in your life right now, and not lose focus of them. finish your university, really work on improving your social skills or gaining confidence in yourself. realize that you at least attracted your ex-girlfriend, and likely the girl you crashed with this summer, and there WILL be girls and crushes to come into your life in the future, i promise you. but you don't want to waste these years, man. I'm a living testament. I'm sure there's someone 5 years older than me, and 5 years older than him, etc etc that are going through the same thing. But the quicker you deal with these things, the quicker your confidence will build and the quicker you will start attracting the right kind of girls and feeling comfortable in your own skin to do so.

 

the truth is we all didn't get dealt the same hand to succeed with girls, or being social. that's the hard truth. some of us have to put far more work into ourselves to have middling success in these areas, whereas our peers and friends might naturally succeed at them. it's not fair, but there's no sense complaining about it. so again, get to work on yourself and start working on your goals; put girls on the back burner (if one falls in your lap and you want to invest minimal effort or at least make sure your strong priorities are still being taken care of, go for it). but as i said, your 28 yo self would love it if you don't waste these years being frustrated with women, going in circles chasing your tail, ending up hurt repeatedly, while career wise/financially/independent-wise/confidence-wise/value-wise to women, you end up being the same guy at 28 you are today, with nothing to show for it.

[jay1983]

First you need to get your priorities right. Like you said finish college and get a job. Then you need to work on you meaning physical appearance, style, game and find what you think your purpose is in life. Then you can rant lol

[Chris715]

It's been almost a month now and I can't get this girl out of my head. We only dated for 2 freaking months and yet I'm still dealing with anxiety and depression over this entire thing. I think part of it was the way that she hurt me. It felt so similar to my ex from a year ago where she broke up with me and then proceeded to flirt with tons of guys at our work.

 

This is only the second break up I've had to deal with, if you can even call it that, and in some ways it's been worse than the first. I still see and hear about the other guys that she's dating because my friends/roommates are friends with some of them. Feels like I'm treading on ice whenever I'm around in the fear that I'll hear something about her: how great she's doing, who she's dating. I don't know, it sets me into a panic.

 

I need to focus on finding another job and school right now because both are a mess and I'm not doing too great financially but I can't bring myself to do it. Seriously I should be out there working, making money, getting good grades, and meeting new girls. Yet here I am, every time the doubt starts to creep in. Who's going to want to hire me? I'm a complete failure in college with zero motivation. What girl will want to give me the time of day?

 

This is more of a rant than anything. Just venting about some things that are stressing me out tonight. This whole thread is starting to look like a journal for my horrible summer.

[Chris715]

Cool, so the exact guy who's dating her and basically went behind my back to do so is hanging out with my roommates and "friends" tonight. They know I want absolutely nothing to do with this guy so basically this is an invitation to not come out of my room all night to hang out.

 

I ****ing hate people.

[Chris715]

Edit: Clearly the mods want me to keep all of this in one thread so I'll stick to that.

 

Basically it ended with her pulling away from me and then started hanging out with my "friend" who knew I was dating her and went behind my back anyway to get her number and start seeing her.

 

The problem is that this guy is a mutual friend of pretty much our whole group of friends and comes over to hang out at our place on a pretty regular basis. My other friends know I want nothing to do with him, I quit my job to avoid working with him and having to see this girl anymore, but still invite him over.

 

I realize it's not completely fair for me to go against my two roommates, who are both friends with him, saying "you guys can't hang out with him over here anymore" but at the same time it's like no one gives a **** about my situation.

 

I think this is prolonging me getting over this girl too. Every time we're hanging out and he's over I refuse to have anything to do with them, shutting myself in the room. I realize it's not healthy but what else am I supposed to do? Go for an hour walk and hope he's gone when I get back?

 

I'm angry and depressed every time I think about her and I can't keep this up. Am I overreacting in this situation? Do I have a right to be angry? Need an outside perspective on all of this and advice for moving on.

Edited July 27, 2014 by Chris715