Ex coming back to work with me

[BC1980]

I received some bad news today. A co-worker told me she heard from another doctor that my ex is set to come back to our hospital in about 2 weeks. We met at work about 4 years ago and dated for 3 years.

 

I'm so upset and angry about this. I love my job and don't want to leave this hospital. The truth is that I didn't see him all that much while we were at work because we usually worked in different areas. We saw each other some, but there would be whole days gone by where we didn't see each other.

 

Does anyone have any advice on working with an ex? It's been 13 months since the breakup and 6 months NC.

[Mary Oak]

Unfortunately, I also have to work with my ex. We work on different projects but sometimes the projects overlap and we have to have some correspondence. All I can say is be 100 percent professional. That is the only way to go.

 

We were together over seven years. Broke up almost two years ago. I am not over her and I must admit it really sucks to work in the same building. We manage to avoid seeing each other for the most part but just knowing she is in the building is a bad vibe. We have been on and off with NC with the most being 66 days.

 

Good luck, I feel for you. Just keep everything professional and kind as you can, that is the only advice I have.

[BC1980]

Unfortunately, I also have to work with my ex. We work on different projects but sometimes the projects overlap and we have to have some correspondence. All I can say is be 100 percent professional. That is the only way to go.

 

We were together over seven years. Broke up almost two years ago. I am not over her and I must admit it really sucks to work in the same building. We manage to avoid seeing each other for the most part but just knowing she is in the building is a bad vibe. We have been on and off with NC with the most being 66 days.

 

Good luck, I feel for you. Just keep everything professional and kind as you can, that is the only advice I have.

 

Thanks. I'm sorry that you have to work with her. I think my best bet is to simply ignore until I must speak with him, which will happen at some point. Then, I will keep it professional.

 

Do you think it has hindered you moving on completely from her? Should I get a new job? All of these thoughts are going through my head. I know it only has as much power as I give it, but my main concern is my healing and recovery. I'm wondering if it would be best to find another job.

[Zahara]

Thanks. I'm sorry that you have to work with her. I think my best bet is to simply ignore until I must speak with him, which will happen at some point. Then, I will keep it professional.

 

Do you think it has hindered you moving on completely from her? Should I get a new job? All of these thoughts are going through my head. I know it only has as much power as I give it, but my main concern is my healing and recovery. I'm wondering if it would be best to find another job.

 

That would be your best bet BC, unless you're indifferent about him but judging from your concern it seems like you're still healing from this. Only interact if there is a need to with regards to work. There is no need for niceties.

 

I don't think you need to look for a new job. Maybe wait and see how it all transpires and if it gets to a point where you feel hindered by his presence, then you can decide from there.

 

This is probably causing you to be anxious and over think so best to deal with the situation when it happens rather than creating the worst scenarios in your head and reacting based on what hasn't happened yet.

 

You may feel differently when all this happens and surprise yourself. You may not even have much interaction for you to even feel affected that much.

[BC1980]

That would be your best bet BC, unless you're indifferent about him but judging from your concern it seems like you're still healing from this. Only interact if there is a need to with regards to work. There is no need for niceties.

 

I don't think you need to look for a new job. Maybe wait and see how it all transpires and if it gets to a point where you feel hindered by his presence, then you can decide from there.

 

This is probably causing you to be anxious and over think so best to deal with the situation when it happens rather than creating the worst scenarios in your head and reacting based on what hasn't happened yet.

 

You may feel differently when all this happens and surprise yourself. You may not even have much interaction for you to even feel affected that much.

 

I'm not indifferent yet, so this has sent my head spinning. Seeing him will bring up memories for me that still hurt. I also feel anger and that it's unfair. I know you're right, and I need to deal with it when I happens. Right now, I need to stay calm and get a handle on my emotions.

 

My mind is going to the worst case scenario already. I feel sick to my stomach right now. NC has helped me move forward so well that I feel it's unfair to have to see him again. I know it's reality though, and we can't control a lot of things.

[Zahara]

I'm not indifferent yet, so this has sent my head spinning. Seeing him will bring up memories for me that still hurt. I also feel anger and that it's unfair. I know you're right, and I need to deal with it when I happens. Right now, I need to stay calm and get a handle on my emotions.

 

My mind is going to the worst case scenario already. I feel sick to my stomach right now. NC has helped me move forward so well that I feel it's unfair to have to see him again. I know it's reality though, and we can't control a lot of things.

 

I know how you feel. I had to work with an ex before and I was always on pins and needles. Always anticipating for a bump in. Kept my heart pounding every second of the day. Granted I never had NC or space between us so when we ended, it was difficult. A few months into it I decided to look for another job. It all fell into place.

 

You have 2 weeks to mentally prepare yourself. Instead of going to worst case scenario, try to feel and believe that you're empowered. Be positive. Tell yourself you can do this. You can work this through. Tell yourself that if it gets bad, there is a solution so there is no need to worry over what hasn't happened yet. Pumping yourself up versus beating yourself down. I know it's hard but try not to go the negative route. It will only allow chaos in your head and magnify what possibly may not even be an issue.

[BC1980]

I know how you feel. I had to work with an ex before and I was always on pins and needles. Always anticipating for a bump in. Kept my heart pounding every second of the day. Granted I never had NC or space between us so when we ended, it was difficult. A few months into it I decided to look for another job. It all fell into place.

 

You have 2 weeks to mentally prepare yourself. Instead of going to worst case scenario, try to feel and believe that you're empowered. Be positive. Tell yourself you can do this. You can work this through. Tell yourself that if it gets bad, there is a solution so there is no need to worry over what hasn't happened yet. Pumping yourself up versus beating yourself down. I know it's hard but try not to go the negative route. It will only allow chaos in your head and magnify what possibly may not even be an issue.

 

I've decided I can make this as little or as big of a deal as I want it to be. I can use this as an opportunity to truly show that it's all about me. I will only engage on a professional level and be strong. I will not allow seeing him in the hall to trigger negative thinking and reminiscing. I can do this.

[Mary Oak]

Unfornately, I believed it stalled my healing agressively. But, we also broke up while we were working together. So, there was the whole aftermath of the break up and we would continue to talk about it.... over and over...

Luckily, you have already done so great with NC, that you will be fine. Prepare yourself for a run, visualize it, and know how you will handle it. Practice it over in your mind, so you will be prepared.

[BC1980]

Unfornately, I believed it stalled my healing agressively. But, we also broke up while we were working together. So, there was the whole aftermath of the break up and we would continue to talk about it.... over and over...

Luckily, you have already done so great with NC, that you will be fine. Prepare yourself for a run, visualize it, and know how you will handle it. Practice it over in your mind, so you will be prepared.

 

I'm sorry it stalled your progress, but that is certainly understandable. I guess I got myself so worked up about a possible run in with him, and it started bringing up old memories. I was worried that seeing him would trigger all of these memories, and I would use that as an excuse to revisit the past.

 

But I don't have to take a stroll down memory lane if I see him. I can see him, and I can move on with my work day. It can go the way I want it to go, and people have certainly done this before. I can still maintain NC by only talking to him on a professional level and only when it's necessary. It's not going to be easy, but I can use this situation as an opportunity to reinforce my new boundaries. Bring it on!

[BC1980]

So my ex is now back at my workplace, but I have yet to run into him. Today, I get a text from a coworker saying that he has a patient on the floor I work on. So he's obviously been on that floor during the day. Honestly, just ugh. I have to work tomorrow, so it's almost guaranteed I will bump into him. I know I'm going to ignore him, but it's bringing up so many mixed emotions. I cried today for the first time in a long time.

 

I'm really missing him if I'm honest with myself, and I didn't feel this way a week ago. I've been NC for nearly 9 months, and I thought I could handle this better. Now, just the thought of seeing him tomorrow is messing with my head. I honestly feel like the depression I was in last year is creeping back. WTF? I was doing really well, but now I feel like absolute sh*t.

 

I can't look for another job until the first of next year because I am trying to wait it out and get vested in this company. I feel it would be foolish to leave now when I am so close, and I should just tough it out for another few months.

 

Anyone experienced anything like this? I thought I was on my to recovery, and, BAM, I get hit in the face with this awful wave of grief.

[JDPT]

I've decided I can make this as little or as big of a deal as I want it to be. I can use this as an opportunity to truly show that it's all about me. I will only engage on a professional level and be strong. I will not allow seeing him in the hall to trigger negative thinking and reminiscing. I can do this.

 

Of course you can do this, you are much stronger now. You have really come a long way. You enjoy your workplace and what you do, there is absolutely no need to go anywhere. This will perhaps put to test all you have learned this entire time during your healing process. Use your tools and do not allow the past to dictate your future.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

First of all, you're probably the most emotionally aware and put-together person I've seen on these threads, so if anyone can do it, it's you.

 

It may help to make a strong mental distinction between him and the damage he did. I am 100% over The Ex Who Broke Me but nearly two years later I'm absolutely not over the devastation he caused. While it's unnatural to really separate the two, it will help your healing process. Don't let your thoughts focus on him; focus on the pain. It will eventually make seeing him in the hallways easier because he is not the subject of your grief, his actions (and your suffering from those actions) are.

 

Lastly, your reaction may surprise you. When I finally ran into The Ex Who Broke Me after a year, I discovered I didn't want to talk to him at all. He immediately got up in my face and wanted to talk to me, see how I was doing, etc, and I just realized I...didn't feel like looking at him. I didn't feel like talking to him. It wasn't the crippling agony that I'd expected, just the kind of vague distaste you feel when your barista wipes her nose before handing you your coffee.

Edited September 16, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[BC1980]

Of course you can do this, you are much stronger now. You have really come a long way. You enjoy your workplace and what you do, there is absolutely no need to go anywhere. This will perhaps put to test all you have learned this entire time during your healing process. Use your tools and do not allow the past to dictate your future.

 

I have thought of it that way. This is a true test of what I have learned. Y'all are awesome. Thanks for the pep talk.

[BC1980]

First of all, you're probably the most emotionally aware and put-together person I've seen on these threads, so if anyone can do it, it's you.

 

It may help to make a strong mental distinction between him and the damage he did. I am 100% over The Ex Who Broke Me but nearly two years later I'm absolutely not over the devastation he caused. While it's unnatural to really separate the two, it will help your healing process. Don't let your thoughts focus on him; focus on the pain. It will eventually make seeing him in the hallways easier because he is not the subject of your grief, his actions (and your suffering from those actions) are.

 

Lastly, your reaction may surprise you. When I finally ran into The Ex Who Broke Me after a year, I discovered I didn't want to talk to him at all. He immediately got up in my face and wanted to talk to me, see how I was doing, etc, and I just realized I...didn't feel like looking at him. I didn't feel like talking to him. It wasn't the crippling agony that I'd expected, just the kind of vague distaste you feel when your barista wipes her nose before handing you your coffee.

 

Thanks. I feel like I'm getting anxious about something that might not even be a big deal.

[Standard-Fare]

I've never worked with an ex but I did find myself living unfortunately close to one (about two city blocks away) several years after our painful breakup. I considered him a part of my distant past, so it was jarring to have him in the same neighborhood.

 

I'm sure it wasn't the most mature or healthy thing to do, but I went out of my way to avoid encounters. If I spotted him from a distance, I'd immediately turn the other way. A couple times we came in close proximity and I avoided any eye contact or acknowledgement.

 

For the most part I was successful. But I do remember one terrible evening when I found myself in the same small grocery store with him. I abandoned my shopping cart and just left.

 

It sounds extreme but I just didn't want anything to do with him. I didn't want to feign politeness or endure any awkward chit-chat. And I also had zero desire to rekindle any form of friendship or even "acquaintanceship" with him. We were never going to be able to just wave hello and be cool with each other.

 

I'm not necessarily recommending my strategy, but I think sometimes it's necessary if you truly want the other person to remain shelved in the past. Essentially, you have to pretend they don't exist.

Edited September 16, 2014 by Standard-Fare

[BC1980]

I've never worked with an ex but I did find myself living unfortunately close to one (about two city blocks away) several years after our painful breakup. I considered him a part of my distant past, so it was jarring to have him in the same neighborhood.

 

I'm sure it wasn't the most mature or healthy thing to do, but I went out of my way to avoid encounters. If I spotted him from a distance, I'd immediately turn the other way. A couple times we came in close proximity and I avoided any eye contact or acknowledgement.

 

For the most part I was successful. But I do remember one terrible evening when I found myself in the same small grocery store with him. I abandoned my shopping cart and just left.

 

It sounds extreme but I just didn't want anything to do with him. I didn't want to feign politeness or endure any awkward chit-chat. And I also had zero desire to rekindle any form of friendship or even "acquaintanceship" with him. We were never going to be able to just wave hello and be cool with each other.

 

I'm not necessarily recommending my strategy, but I think sometimes it's necessary if you truly want the other person to remain shelved in the past. Essentially, you have to pretend they don't exist.

 

I think you're right. If you give even an inch and start with small talk, it snowballs. I feel that my ex treated me so poorly in the end that he's about the last person I would even be cordial with. I have no need for him in any capacity of my life.

[Michael 93]

BC, you have became a regular on my stories and helped me so much its unreal.

 

You have came such a long way believe me keep on going. This is just another test that's been sent to you. You can handle it, I know it.

 

Be the best person you can be. If you see him, keep on walking, show him just how strong you have become and how he cannot dictate or have an impact on your life any more (even if that isn't the case) You are an excellent role model on this site and from the way you help others everyone can see just how far you have come. So show him!!

 

Be the kind wonderful person you are. Be prepared for an encounter, do not speak to him and if you do see him remember your not looking at him... your looking past him.

 

I'm very proud of you. Please do not give up sweetie.

 

Mike

[Standard-Fare]

I think you're right. If you give even an inch and start with small talk, it snowballs. I feel that my ex treated me so poorly in the end that he's about the last person I would even be cordial with. I have no need for him in any capacity of my life.

 

Well, I think that's the best general attitude for you to have... not giving him the time of day... but as I said, I'm sure my strategy wasn't the most mature.

 

The incident I described in the grocery store... I abruptly abandoned a cart full of groceries in the middle of the store. Also, I was with a friend at the time, who I had to text. I claimed I suddenly felt ill. (Guess it was partially true!)

 

So those types of extremes obviously won't be possible for you as an adult in a professional environment. But to the extent that you can, avoid him. If you do have to have a direct encounter (which seems inevitable), make it very short. "Oh, hi. I heard you were back. Nice to see you. Sorry to be brief, but I gotta run to take care of ___."

[scobro]

Dating people at work is so risky because it ultimately has to work out or it gets ugly and awkward.I made that mistake and left a job because I worked literally side by side with my ex.....too awkward.

[Zapbasket]

Don't leave your job. Do everything else, though, in your power to take care of YOU. It's what you DIDN'T do in the relationship; now you can put yourself first unabashedly. Think of it as an exercise in what you'll need to do more of in your next relationship.

 

You don't owe him niceties. You don't owe him any acknowledgement, even in the name of "professional courtesy." If you must communicate with him over an immediate, isolated work-related matter, then sure, take care of business. But don't worry about looking "petty." Just do what you need to do for YOU; what anyone thinks is irrelevant.

 

I can imagine how hard it is especially when you still care about the person and of course you want to be receptive, and kind. But that was the whole problem, wasn't it? You always were kind to him, and accommodating, and ultimately it was irrelevant to him; additionally, he could not match your level of flexibility and generosity. These reasons are exactly why you must stand firm. BE cold. DON'T let him see you sweat. Do it not because HIS reaction or opinion matter, but because your self-respect matters. You admitted feeling a loss of self-respect in the relationship, especially when you recognized how you stuck around for sub-par treatment. So claim it back.

 

I honestly think if you can do that, and get that charge from knowing you truly acted in YOUR best interests, with care only for YOU, he will start to become irrelevant, because you'll be creating a shield that will block the likes of him out. And it will feel GOOD. If he wants to access you, let him RISE to your level. (And of course, he won't be able to do that.)

[BC1980]

I can imagine how hard it is especially when you still care about the person and of course you want to be receptive, and kind. But that was the whole problem, wasn't it? You always were kind to him, and accommodating, and ultimately it was irrelevant to him; additionally, he could not match your level of flexibility and generosity. These reasons are exactly why you must stand firm. BE cold. DON'T let him see you sweat. Do it not because HIS reaction or opinion matter, but because your self-respect matters. You admitted feeling a loss of self-respect in the relationship, especially when you recognized how you stuck around for sub-par treatment. So claim it back.

 

I'm actually starting to think of this as an opportunity to rewrite the entire story. It's a weird opportunity that I didn't expect to get. I have the chance to actually assert my boundaries when the time comes (I didn't see him today, but it will happen at some point). I rarely, if ever, asserted my boundaries in the relationship. I was over accommodating, and it meant nothing to him in the end. He threw me out like I was nothing him, and I don't know that I never meant that much. I can see that now, and I'm now looking forward to the time that he tries to say "hey" to me because I can tell you that the only thing I will say is that I prefer to keep our interactions to business only.

 

I doubt he will care much if I don't share niceties with him, but it will mean a heck of a lot to me. And that is what this entire process has been about. Not using him to validate me. Not worrying about how he views me. It's been about me doing what I need to do to assert my boundaries and find my self-esteem.

[Zapbasket]

I just re-read in another thread about how your ex never paid your grandfather the $400 for the ring he bought the two of you as a wedding present. Ugh. Seriously, f*ck this guy. He doesn't deserve an IOTA of your kind, generous spirit that is so apparent in these threads.

 

When I put myself in your shoes and imagine encountering your ex, I can imagine feeling like I don't want to "miss out" on some possible meaningful communication from him by being cold or outright refusing to talk to him. I imagine being "nice" in hopes of opening the door for him to say how sorry he is, or that he misses me and made a mistake.

 

But here's the thing: if someone truly recognizes the hurt they caused, then they would EXPECT you to be cold. And either they'll stay away from you (if they're cowardly/avoidant/convinced they are "right"/not wanting to cause you any more pain--and you won't know which it is), or they'll address your negative feelings directly with compassion (and withOUT condescension). If they act like everything should just "be cool" between you, as though nothing happened, then they have just given you the fullest possible confirmation that they are a worthless jerk.

 

Seriously.

 

And know this, too, BC: that most likely, our exes WON'T approach us with compassion and confront the situation head-on with an apology, since if they were capable of that they'd have dealt appropriately with the breakup from the get-go. Also, they won't approach us because they have shown by their actions that they don't want ANY further interaction with us, for reasons even they probably aren't self-aware enough to understand or admit to.

[JDPT]

I'm actually starting to think of this as an opportunity to rewrite the entire story. It's a weird opportunity that I didn't expect to get. I have the chance to actually assert my boundaries when the time comes (I didn't see him today, but it will happen at some point). I rarely, if ever, asserted my boundaries in the relationship. I was over accommodating, and it meant nothing to him in the end. He threw me out like I was nothing him, and I don't know that I never meant that much. I can see that now, and I'm now looking forward to the time that he tries to say "hey" to me because I can tell you that the only thing I will say is that I prefer to keep our interactions to business only.

 

I doubt he will care much if I don't share niceties with him, but it will mean a heck of a lot to me. And that is what this entire process has been about. Not using him to validate me. Not worrying about how he views me. It's been about me doing what I need to do to assert my boundaries and find my self-esteem.

 

 

Cleanse your heart and keep in mind that this is not "payback" but as stated you are setting your boundaries and sticking to them holding yourself at very high regards, always. Be strong for when the moment comes and keep as positive as you possible can. And as I said previously, use your tools and everything your have learned this entire time during your healing journey.

[BC1980]

Cleanse your heart and keep in mind that this is not "payback" but as stated you are setting your boundaries and sticking to them holding yourself at very high regards, always. Be strong for when the moment comes and keep as positive as you possible can. And as I said previously, use your tools and everything your have learned this entire time during your healing journey.

 

I definitely don't see it as payback because I know it won't hurt him very much if I ignore him. It might sting a little, but it's mainly for me.

[Magnet]

I work at the same company as my ex too. And it can absolutely suck at times.

 

Generally speaking it's ok if we pass by in the corridors and blank each other. But at lunchtimes or in work social meetings e.g farewell dos, it just feels like she has the upper hand and seems so carefree when I am stuck there unable to be myself and express myself or even smile. Makes me really hate her for being so ok with it.

 

I felt like a right idiot today making my excuses to go back to my desk to work. I just couldn't hack it pretending to be ok mingling. I don't have to stay around to prove I'm ok.

 

If it goes on like this I might look for another job sooner than I thought.

It's not about "letting them win" it's about doing what's best for yourself. I'm really angry and upset now.

 

I guess I'm just warning you that you can still hold your head high but it is going to feel like you are being squeezed very tight until you can't breathe.

 

Just hold your breath until better times arrive.