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Just put my hand on the burner. Truly the last time.


AnyaNova

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The idea was that I would include a read receipt, but I couldn't get any of my mail serves or even outlook to do it.

 

And that way when, as usual I am sure, I didn't get a response. I would know for a heart sinking fact that he had seen it and didn't care enough to answer.

 

Couldn't set that up. But, I did send one more. One more. With just a single question.

 

We'll see what happens. This time. I'm truly not holding out any hope. I think this is a prove absolutely to myself that nothing will ever change because he has decided it won't and or can't.

 

But I think I have to do this to move on. To absolutely prove to myself that my mother is completely right. He has, is, and was completely just done with me.

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learning_slowly

Prepare for the worst. I sent a few emails as we were emailing like before. As it was Easter, I knew she would be meeting the new guy, and so the replies stopped.

 

But if I had looked at it logically That's what I would have expected.

So I lost dignity by having a conversation that was not replied to. That told me it all.

 

Never again. And in her own way she's probably doing NC to help. I think that makes it worse. :(

 

I hope it goes well but chances are it's over. I just hope this will be what you need to move on.

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Prepare for the worst. I sent a few emails as we were emailing like before. As it was Easter, I knew she would be meeting the new guy, and so the replies stopped.

 

But if I had looked at it logically That's what I would have expected.

So I lost dignity by having a conversation that was not replied to. That told me it all.

 

Never again. And in her own way she's probably doing NC to help. I think that makes it worse. :(

 

I hope it goes well but chances are it's over. I just hope this will be what you need to move on.

 

Chances are its definitely over.

 

I haven't heard a peep from him since September. Unfortunately, in October I started experiencing the really bad effects from a health issue and my healing got stalled pretty much until now.

 

So I'm picking up where I started in October.

 

My ex has been like Old Faithful with NC. Apparently I meant that much to him. :p I will heal. And though I've been crying some tonight, already I can feel the difference with these tears and the sense this time that it will get better (possibly because I have enough brain power now to be able to achieve that with the health issues resolving).

 

Edit: Why do we think that way? Why is it losing dignity to care about another human being? Obviously it sounds like you need to never do that to yourself again to keep from getting hurt, but why look at it as a sacrifice of dignity on your part. Perhaps the deficiency is hers, not yours.

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The only wrong that comes from contacting an ex is the negative feelings you get, it doesn't really matter to others whether or not you and your ex are in contact (unless you have children or a restraining order of some sort), so it is not social dignity you lose. It is our own personal sense of dignity we lose, because the opposites of dignity are insignificance and unimportance and lowliness, which is what we perceive when we don't get the responses we want from our exes. Most of the time we just feel lower than dirt. So, we protect ourselves with NC.

 

Remember, it's all just perception, semantics, to call that feeling a "loss of dignity".

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smileforelena
... It is our own personal sense of dignity we lose, because the opposites of dignity are insignificance and unimportance and lowliness, which is what we perceive when we don't get the responses we want from our exes. Most of the time we just feel lower than dirt. So, we protect ourselves with NC.".

 

its like being nice all the time but you get crap or nothing in return..its giving up that part of you that is soo valuable and vulnerable but its just ignored by the other person. its like trying to beg for your job back after the manager insult and fire you. its when you get to that place where you feel worthless and insignificant. to me thats what losing dignity is like.

 

its valuing the other person way ahead of yourself. and i am learning that how much you value yourself cannot be dependent on the relationships you have.

 

and anya..make the decision that its over. YOU have to do that. Dont wait on your ex's reply or whatever. nothing you say or do can change their minds or feelings because they disconnected before they actually said it out loud.

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mtnbiker3000

There is nothing he can say, respond with, do, etc that is going to help you.

 

You've been on here for a while now. Why would you continue to do this to yourself? You're not a rookie, here. Stop this craziness!!!

 

Turn this energy towards identifying and working on your own shortcomings. At least that will be of a real benefit to you. This non-sense is just silly, and you're better than this!!!

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Simon Phoenix

For someone who is clearly intelligent, it's surprising to me that you would do something so foolish. I mean, you are a smart person -- you talk about yourself and your emotions in regards to biopsychological things such as B vitamin supplies in a way that is unique -- yet you just made the ultimate in rookie mistakes. It's been seven months, it's time for you to move forward.

 

It's one thing if you were just looking to be buddies and were recovered, but you clearly aren't. I'm not sure if this is a case of you overthinking to the point where you convinced yourself a horrible idea was actually a good one or a case of you finally turning your brain off and doing something stupid but the result is the same -- just unnecessary anguish. It's time for you to actually listen to your mother.

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learning_slowly

@ the last 2 posts:

 

There's nothing I'd like more than Anyanova to move on, but will acting dismayed with her actions achieve that?

 

She is still wasn't ready and it takes a different amount of time for everybody. And if you don't have relapses, you are some of the lucky few.

 

Reread your posts and ask yourself are you helping or angry?

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mtnbiker3000
@ the last 2 posts:

 

There's nothing I'd like more than Anyanova to move on, but will acting dismayed with her actions achieve that?

 

She is still wasn't ready and it takes a different amount of time for everybody. And if you don't have relapses, you are some of the lucky few.

 

Reread your posts and ask yourself are you helping or angry?

 

Hmmm. Nope. I stand by what I said. Why don't you re-read and see how I offer constructive alternatives instead of destructive behavior.

 

It's nice that you've been around here for a week or two and want to criticize those who have been around a while, and who have followed this poster for quite some time. In actuality, we do want what's best for her and this is the way we chose to express it...

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We all have to make mistakes from time to time. It is part of the learning process. Anya, if you know it's done, be thankful that you sent that last email, and be thankful that you didn't ever get that response. Because now you are sure you are done, you can have a new start. You get to be 100% wonderful you. You can heal, and one day, you can fall in love again.

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Wow, I thought that my recovery was super slow with regard zto my condition,

but this is kind of unexpected.

 

I don't think this is preposterous, but it baffles me that someone who is

rational as you could do something like that and expect different result.

 

Too much time and energy you invested in planning all that out. He's the one to

do all the planning. Just go around and be awesome some more and let him be where

he belongs.

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There is nothing he can say, respond with, do, etc that is going to help you.

 

You've been on here for a while now. Why would you continue to do this to yourself? You're not a rookie, here. Stop this craziness!!!

 

Turn this energy towards identifying and working on your own shortcomings. At least that will be of a real benefit to you. This non-sense is just silly, and you're better than this!!!

 

the thing is, for many people, that need to really prove would just be an excuse.

 

For me, that was truly the desire from the outset. The fact that I haven't heard from him doesn't surprise me. And if it hurts, it is less in the "oh my gosh my "subtle" attempt at getting him back didn't work, and more in the "yup. Absolutely confirmed that after the insanity of that last night and the incredible amount of pain he was in, he won't even set your mind and heart at rest by letting you know that he is now okay and that any chance of anything including friendship (which actually can work, I am quite good friends with an ex) is gone completely, and has everything to do with him and his own issues and trying to understand that it really didn't have to do with me or mine and is not a reflection of me." sort of thing.

 

In this case, the "insanity" as you called it, is helping me move on.

 

I mean, if there was any chance that he'd respond and restart communication in other than a very carefully treaded ex friendship, that would be insanity.

 

But there wasn't, isn't, and never will be.

 

But I thank you for the message and the concern that came out of it, because I can honestly say that before this one, all other attempts for whatever reason I claimed them to be were not for the right reasons.

 

This one was.

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Wow, I thought that my recovery was super slow with regard zto my condition,

but this is kind of unexpected.

 

I don't think this is preposterous, but it baffles me that someone who is

rational as you could do something like that and expect different result.

 

Too much time and energy you invested in planning all that out. He's the one to

do all the planning. Just go around and be awesome some more and let him be where

he belongs.

 

See that is the thing. I knew that I didn't expect different results. I got exactly the results I expected. But doing so one last time really did jumpstart my healing (which, was rather derailed by the whole b12--and others, but not as much so--deficiency which really does screw your brain up good!).

 

I am a little irked that he couldn't let me know that he is ok. but this was a deliberate decision to place my hand on the burner to prove that the burner was not only hot, but was planning to stay hot for eternity, probably because this burner is to high on both relational anxiety and relational avoidance and starting to love me was just to terrifying for him. (My guess based on some good solid evidence, but still a guess nonetheless, he didn't leave me any solid answers).

 

Working on the health issues so that my mood can be consistently high, and then yes, I will just be in my awesomeness and see what happens.

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For someone who is clearly intelligent, it's surprising to me that you would do something so foolish. I mean, you are a smart person -- you talk about yourself and your emotions in regards to biopsychological things such as B vitamin supplies in a way that is unique -- yet you just made the ultimate in rookie mistakes. It's been seven months, it's time for you to move forward.

 

It's one thing if you were just looking to be buddies and were recovered, but you clearly aren't. I'm not sure if this is a case of you overthinking to the point where you convinced yourself a horrible idea was actually a good one or a case of you finally turning your brain off and doing something stupid but the result is the same -- just unnecessary anguish. It's time for you to actually listen to your mother.

 

What you don't understand. I am smiling right now even though I didn't get a response.

 

Because I actually did need the proof for myself that he could and would ignore a calmly worded rational email with a very short question.

 

And I know I won't ever hear from him again. He has chosen to disappear into the ether instead of face the developmental challenge of his fears.

 

Either he'll choose to live alone, or he'll find a cloying vine that will encourage first his dependence on his parents and next his dependence on her.

 

Neither will be a happy ending.

 

Or he will on his own somehow someway and God I really pray this, find a way to master those challenges and grow from the scared little child who truly runs everything inside of him into the beautiful adult he was meant to be.

 

But clearly, if he chooses to do that, it will be without me according to his own choice that he has made clear, proven to be steadfast in, and I must now and always respect.

 

And the one thing, that if I'm to recover completely, that I must absolutely reconcile myself to, and become ok with, is that it is quite possible given my age that this could have been my last shot at love.

 

I hope it is not.

 

But perhaps, to truly heal completely, I must treat it as if it is.

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Just a quick update.

 

Still haven't suffered any negative consequences. I really think that this was exactly what I needed to do. I know in my head and my heart and my gut that it was too much for him and he won't get back to me ever.

 

So now I move on. For real this time. :-)

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Even if not, same address as you. (That took guts) Trust me.

 

 

Just a quick update.

 

Still haven't suffered any negative consequences. I really think that this was exactly what I needed to do. I know in my head and my heart and my gut that it was too much for him and he won't get back to me ever.

 

So now I move on. For real this time. :-)

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