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Feeling really low today...


Mary Oak

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I posted her a long time ago concerning my breakup. It has been 20 months since our breakup. I did everything wrong, I chased I begged, I cried, I called, I texted. Nothing would bring her back. SHe said I had moved into a black hole emotional because of a bad illness in my family and she could no longer connect with me. We were together for almost 8 years. We work together, so it was easy to see and talk to her. But, all I ever got was the platitudes that "you never know what the future will bring" and " I will always love and continue to miss you". I have gone 30 days nc, I have gone 60 days nc, because she said we needed to heal. But, this last 13 days have been for ME. I finally realized that I respect myself enough not to continue to get rejected (she ignored me most of the time). I love me more than I love the "idea" of us. BUT.... it sucks... I still feel I need some type of validation from her and I don't know why. I miss her. She is currently dating someone.. used to be a friend of mine. I know I just have to let go, but what sucks is I really want her back. I have dated someone wonderful, but I just couldn't connect with her... maybe because of my ex. I don't know. I just need some reinforcement here that I am indeed doing the right thing. I dread when the time comes that we have to email for work related business. I don't even want to break NC for that. I am so tired of being hurt, but also tired of being lonely.

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I know the whole thing really sucks, but let me ask you:

 

 

WHY do you want her back? How could you ever be with someone who gave up on you and your relationship? How could you trust her not to give up again? Try to focus on these things, instead of on your longing for her.

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Well, because I did need help, and I wasn't emotionally fair to her. I have been working on myself for the last 20 months with therapy and have really changed. I think if we tried again, it could work.

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Well, she apparently has moved on to dating someone else, as you note in your original post, so it seems like a moot point now.

 

 

She wasn't really willing to wait for you to work on yourself, it sounds like. It is great that you did work on yourself, and it will be good for you no matter what, whether or not she takes you back. Think of it as work for you personally, instead of work to try to get her back.

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I know it was good for me, and I continue to grow. I also am not even sure I could take her back now. But, my heart tells me otherwise. It is just tough, and I feel I should be way over it by now. So it frustrates me that I still cry almost everyday.

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Yeah, the whole recovery is definitely frustrating at times. I am going through it myself. However, I think if you continue your NC you will continue to see progress. There is nothing wrong with still struggling with the situation. You guys had a long relationship and you only just started NC, plus it sounds like you have to see her around at work. It will take time.

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Yeah, I know that feeling, beeing there a few times, but you will see, you will meet THE girl you will love.. She is somewhere, and waiting for the new mature man you are now.. And when you will meet her you will know you are ready... Looking back to your ex won't be an option... And you know the worse.. In my life, when I was (really) ready to move on, that's where the ex wanted me back.. But to late... Once you will have moved on in your head, you won't take her back, for several reasons (you both have changed and not in the same directions, your personal tastes will have change because you will have known other women, etc...). So no regret.. I now it is hard, it has been 14 months since my split, have had several GF since, but my brain is not completly here yet. But I know each day is a day of victory to conquer myself and my future.

You said you have had one relationship which has failed since.. Try another one, then another one.. .. you'll see, each new one will heal you...

Good luck...

NC is the best cure.. ever....

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I just think of her and really know she was the one for me. But, she has moved on... that hurts so much. I can't get over the missing part. It has been almost two years and I still miss her like it was yesterday. I know, in part, because we went through a VERY long break up... meaning neither of us let go for a long while, and then every so often we would talk about the same things over, and over, and over. SHe would tell me she needed space then talk to me. I get it. It is supposed to be hard. It is life. But, it honestly feels like my life just walked out the door. I do all kinds of things with my friends, I have a big house and yard to take care of, I am always busy. But, it feels like colors are muted. THings are as bright as they should be. I am now on day 14 NC...again...but this time I don't plan on breaking it...I can't for myself. Just in the last 14 days, I feel like I have gain a lot of self respect and self confidence back. I don't deserve to be ignored. I deserve to be loved... just wish it was her that loved me... sounds so pathetic, i know...

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I deserve to be loved... just wish it was her that loved me... sounds so pathetic, i know...

 

Of course you deserve to be loved. But are you sure you want to be loved by someone who dumped you at the first place. It is not an error, but really because she thought you weren't good enough for her.. ..And if you ever get a second chance, she will for sure leave you again when things would not work as she wants.. Because she doesn't love you enough.....

You deserve to be loved, yes, but by someone who really loves you... And there are pleinty of women there who are ready to love you because you really are a wonderful person.. especially if you have corrected some of your bad aspects...

Forget about her... Give yourself a chance to know someone better for you...

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Thank you Bluesandy. SHE DIDN'T LOVE ME ENOUGH...THAT SAYS IT ALL...Now, I am dealing with new feelings... I never wanted to feel negatively about her, but I do now (not sure why now), but it making me feel sad and guilty. I just want indifference. I want to feel like I never knew her. I don't even want the good memories anymore.

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Then you need to carry on with the NC with you in mind. No one else.

 

 

Keep retraining your thoughts and time will heal you. My first marriage lasted ten years and it took nearly two years to let go. Even when I was in a new relationship, I still cried over this lost love.

 

 

But I got there in the end. I feel absolutely nothing for him anymore.

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Thanks mangetout. I feel like I am NEVER going to get there. ANd i feel like she is just living free. I have never held onto a relationship that this. But, from reading here, I realized that everyone thinks their relationship is different, that their relationship trumps other, but we all are in the same boat. We all were made to believe or wanted to believe we were different. One thing for sure is that we all hurt the same. :(

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Almost 8 year relationship. Broken up with 21 months ago. I think I still want her back, but not sure. Yesterday, I felt like the part that could take her back has broken. That felt sad. We have been nothing but repsectful to each other since the breakup, and I have never wanted to harbor bad feelings for her. Finally now, I think I am beginning to. I am disapointed in her. For leaving. For not trying. But, then I realize she can't help the way she feels anymore than I can. We work together and have to exchange emails but I am always professional and don't ask her anything personal. It has been a long journey.

 

I have fallen off NC so many times. And not once did it make me feel any better. I am in counseling, I am on meds, I have made changes, I hang out with friends, and even date. She has someone (used to be a friend of mine). I guess I am just trying to get my feelings out. What bothers me the most now, is I feel like I am grieving this part inside of me that can't take her back, the part that sees past the greatness she gave to me, and now sees more of the hurt she has given me. She has ignored so many of my texts, she has placated me so many times with the "right things to say". I asked hundreds of questions and she tried her best to answer them. Funny thing is now I know, none of those questions matter. All that matters is she chose someone else. 21 days NC this time, and it is still hard. Not so hard not to contact her, as I don't want to be hurt anymore.

 

But, hard because I know it is over and I know I really have no reason to speak to her again... and especially hard because I still miss her. She has said that she still believes I am her soulmate, but you can love others who are not. She said if she ever changed her mind, she would move mountains to let me know. Well, since no mountains have been moved, I have the answer to that, lol... I guess I am just sad still...when does that ever stop?

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It will stop but It takes time OP.

 

It tools me years to get over my ten year marriage. Even when I fell madly in love with the next man I caught myself crying over my ex husband every now and then.

 

I suppose it's like a death. You are dealing with a loss :-/

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Well, I guess it would have to be described as limited contact because we work together. But, I have managed to avoid seeing her for months, and I have only sent a few mandatory emails, which were 100 percent professional. I still miss her like crazy, but I can't imagaine going back to day one. ANd i don't even know what I would say at this point.

 

At first, you have all the "questions" like why? when? is this forever? But all of that is just fishing for validation. I am glad that phase has finally ended for me and I can see it for what it actually was. Every conversation took me back to day one.

 

So, here I am on day 25. I feel good that I have lasted this long, and don't plan on contacting her. I just wish the missing would stop, I wish this gray cloud over my head would go away, I wish I actually found enjoyment in the things i do, instead of just doing them because I know I need to get out.

 

I guess my question here is...does sometimes the pain stay? Does it just stay implanted in your heart and you live life by going through the motions? I feel like she was my true love and I pushed her away, but I know there will be no reconciliation. I have accepted that, but do I have to accept that to some degree, I will always be sad ?

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I encourage you to read up on the 5 stages of grieving. Yes, it goes away. I now know it's okay to care about the person (I do my ex gf) yet I do not miss her.

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Is it odd to love someone so much, but if you can't have them in a realationship, than you don't want a friendship?

 

It seems like if I loved her that much, I would do anything to be in her life. But, I just can't even imagine wanting to be friends. After seven years, I feel like, if she didn't want me, than she doesn't derserve my friendship.

 

I also believe I will always love her, and nothing good could come from it. It just confuses me though.

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You cannot sustain a friendship with someone you love or have strong feelings for.

The 'feelings' always rise to the surface, and make you feel wretched.

 

You're absolutely right to not 'settle' for friendship.

It can't be done.

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I totally get that. But, what I am struggling with is the fact of how can I love her unconditionally if I won't even allow her in my life?

 

I guess right now there is much resentment. But, even so, I can never see myself being friends with her again.

 

I have told her this when we first broke up, and she said she believed that I thought that, but in time, we would become friends. I just don't see it.

 

I also feel like we she made the decision to leave, she had to have known the possibliity that I may never speak to her again. ANd if she was okay with that. Then why would I even want to be friends. Friends seems like second place prize.

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Right now, you're far too 'up close and personal' to the situation to make this anything other than it is.

 

While you have 'Romantic Love' in your heart, Unconditional Love is a tall order.

 

Look, as you mention it, I will illustrate what we as Buddhists, have to do to cultivate 'Unconditional Love' and it's by far an easy thing to do....

 

'Unconditional Love' is known as one of the 4 'Brahma~Viharas' or 4 sublime states.

Have a look at this link:

 

I am truly not trying to proselytise, or do any form of instruction here, but right now, you're in emotional pain, and torn as to know what to do, and how to do it.

 

you need to take a step back, distance yourself, go No Contact and cultivate Benign Indifference.

 

Read the No Contact link in my signature.

 

You now have a lot to digest - but I hope you can gain some comfort there....

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learning_slowly

I don't think you need to give unconditional love to someone who is not returning it. You're not a puppy. You have a life, live it.

 

But don't go the bitterness route either. That will only lead to wasted time.

 

Nobody is perfect. Remember the things that you wanted to change in them if you could. Maybe you'll find somebody with those features in the future. Above all respect yourself, I know it's hard sometimes. But in time you'll appreciate the good times even more :)

 

If you're feeling down, do any activity to improve your life: exercise, study a new subject, try and make more friends. I'll be doing it too :)

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I don't think you need to give unconditional love to someone who is not returning it.

Er...I hate to break it to you, but that's the whole point of 'UNconditional Love': you DON'T expect anything in return...

 

That's why it's called - UNconditional Love.....

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I would argue that the best way to express unconditional love in this instance is to truly want what is best for your love. Accept that it can't be you. Accept that a "friendship" would only hurt you both, so you don't contact her. You can send lots of good vibes your way all you want, but understand that it is the best thing you can do for them given the circumstances, and therefore the best way to express love.

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Well, i don't feel like I can control HOW I love her. I am not loving her for her, I just love her, and for some reason, can't stop.

 

But, along with that love is now coming loads of resentments. It even hurts to feel this way, because I never wanted to feel negative towards her. I almost feel guilty in a way for feeling this way, but it is starting to get worse and worse.

 

I have been NC for 26 days, well LC as we work together :( It has helped me a lot. I have done NC up to 66 days before but it has never helped until this time. I believe because this time I am doing it for me. I know I have to put this behind me now. But, it has been a Loooooong time. I a embarrassed to admit the BU was 21 months ago, and I still cry almost everyday. I don't plan on breaking NC as I just can't stand the rejection any longer. I have reached my breaking point there.

 

She is always real friendly with her work emails, but I stick straight to the point, and am probably much less friendly to her than my other co-workers, in fact.

 

I just love her, and she has moved on. I still can't find it in my heart yet to be happy she has moved on... so maybe my love is conditional. I do want the best for her when I think of the grand scheme of things, but she is happy and I am still gnawing off my arm... seems so unfair.

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You can't control HOW you love her - but you can control HOW you 'love' yourself, and somehow, you are putting your emotions regarding your self, secondary to how you feel about her.

 

While your feelings for her are deep, I can't help seeing that, even though you have gone LC and you try to be cold and distant with her, it's artificial. It's a pretense, a total facade....

You have to start putting how you feel, first.

you have to start doing things for your own protection.

 

Working with her must be a huge ordeal, and certainly far from ideal.

Given the work situation, and how difficult it is to find gainful employment in the current economic climate, I hesitate, and am reluctant to advise you change jobs. But in truth, I don't see how else you can prevent this torture from continuing, if you don't...

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