cpbr Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 OK. 4 months after break-up, 2 months of NC. I thought I'm over her and reading some historical Fb messages wouldn't hurt. Now it's like all the dating and the break-up occured yesterday. And as I was looking at our conversation from a different perspective – it seems to me that our relationship could be saved quite easilly, we just did not see it and no one actually tried. We f*cked up and she left me for another guy. OK, so back to square one. If you ever get the urge to do something like me...just don't. It is not worth it. Learn from my mistake Link to post Share on other sites
smileforelena Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Hey cpbr Im so sorry about what happened. I can relate to what you are saying. You can start over and now you are smarter. The pain will subside. Keep strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 Thank you. I cried a little but now I'm OK. I feel quite good, actually... Maybe I need to unleash my feelings at least once a week...but I'm afraid of what will come next. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 Yeah, something came... Few minutes ago my best friend who was helping me a lot with this "situation" admitted that she was hoping for something more than being just friends. But I'm not capable to love anyone else yet. So...I hurt my ex, she left me. I'm hurt now and by that I'm hurting the girl I care about the most (she is now in a psych ward because life is not easy for her...). Great. Really. Link to post Share on other sites
smileforelena Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Right now seems a little crazy...But you got one thing right and I hope that although you do not want to hurt the friend you will be brave enough to tell her that you have not in the right place to be in a relationship. she will probably feel rejected or offended and hurt but at the end of the day you are doing her a favor. it is one thing to be helping someone get over a situation as a friend but the dynamics changes when the friendship goes to the next level. I think it is quite impressive that you actually realize that you need a break to breathe before going in on the next relationship. they say men tend to replace immediately to drown out the previous relationship. In my opinion everybody involved in your story needs time out from the whole thing. Don't blame yourself. Things will get better Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 (edited) To be honest – with my ex it started as a sort of a rebound. It all was just too soon and when I realized what I really want, it was slowly getting to the end already. I know I hurt my ex and I don't want to do that again to anyone I like. Let's say I was far from a perfect human being (or a perfect boyfriend), I was terribly insecure, bad with people, jealous, needy, terrible with my feelings and I don't want it to be that way anymore. Now it's getting better, but very slowly (I'm still a lazy person... ) Luckily my friend is very understanding... (I find it mildly ironic that my ex's name was a variant of Elena... ) Edited April 20, 2014 by cpbr Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 You cannot help the way that people feel. Sometimes the way they feel, their change in attitude or their decisions make ZERO sense based on your experience. You are right to be clear with your current friend about your feelings. Maybe in time you can have something, if that's what you want - but now is not the time and you know it. It took me 6 weeks to finally delete the last lot of messages I had left of my ex. We lived together and were engaged! In time, I'd suggest you consider eventually closing out your messages and deleting them too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 (edited) I cannot say that a relationship with my friend will never happen but she's not my type (or I don't see it yet). I just can't see it working. I was thinking about deleting those messages, but I'm also quite indecisive. It is like...the only thing I have from her. Apart from a love letter and some pictures (both stored at my friends house). And once it's gone, there is no way getting it back in case she get's back. I know I should accept that it will never happen, but I can't. And I'm kind of... dissaponted(?) that this short relationship could turn my life upside down this way. We dated for like half a year. And she was 9 years younger. And it was a LDR; even if we lived closer together, she is going to school far away. I feel like everything I was doing in my life was completely wrong. She was so similar but also very different and I often felt insecure about myself. It was like she showed me that I basically always sucked at life and I have never lived like I should. Which was not healthy for the relationship at all. But when I came to a conclusion that it all just lead to an awsome relationship and that things will get better (I basically accepted myself for what I am, which was my main problem), it was already too late. Well...as I read what I have just written, at least my mental health is better than it was before...I hope. At least I can now see what was wrong. Edited April 20, 2014 by cpbr Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 ...and I feel like I've forgotten why shouldn't I do that. So she rejects me again – so what? What I have to lose? Link to post Share on other sites
thirdxeyexblind Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Nothing to lose but dignity tbf. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 And...is going to our favourite place to cry it out, to feel something again...considered a breaking of NC? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 And...is going to our favourite place to cry it out, to feel something again...considered a breaking of NC? I don't think this is considered breaking NC, but I would not suggest going to a place you both used to go. I would suggest maybe taking a walk somewhere new. Crying it out I do recommend because it can be very therapeutic. Don't stay in bed weeping all day, but have your cry and be done with it. I would suggest writing down why you want to break NC and why it's a bad idea. You could also simply talk yourself through it if you aren't into journaling. What I learned is that when you want to break NC, it is really a way of stalling the moving on process. You feel all of these emotions, and you don't know what to do with them. Instead of trying to feel your emotions and work your way through them, you think, to heck with it, I'm just going to contact my ex. Because deep down, you want to believe that your ex wants you back. You hold onto false hope, but it will suck the life out of you. Contacting your ex is never the answer. If you contact your ex, she may not even answer. How would you feel then? I broke NC after 3 months. I was having such a sh*tty day at work, and my life just seemed so bleak all around. Money issues, feeling like I would never find anyone else, the holidays were coming up. It was just a terrible week, and I ended up contacting my ex. He sounded so nonchalant and happy on the phone. Like it was no big deal. Like his life was just rolling right along without me. I ended up making an absolute fool of myself and crying on the phone, telling him how much I missed him. Absolutely awful. I felt so humiliated afterwards. There are many people with similar stories or worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 ...and I feel like I've forgotten why shouldn't I do that. So she rejects me again – so what? What I have to lose? Also, how long since the breakup and how long NC? Link to post Share on other sites
smileforelena Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 it will just be a cycle cpbr. some of us are in the same boat as you and some have been where you are and we know how you are feeling. it is difficult. especially to let go of that idea that there is a slim chance that we can be back with our exes. speaking from experience, when i broke NC i thought it was more painful to miss him than to get the sympathy attention he would give me. getting the sympathy attention (breadcrumbs) is far worse than my most depressing day while on NC. while on NC although it hurts and its painful it gives you back that feeling of being in control (even when it seem like you are not really getting anywhere) of our emotion and situation. NC made me feel empowered ..even when it feels like its just trickling. cry..be sad..but keep holding on to NC. you need to for your own sanity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I just read your other thread about the Facebook messages. That's a bummer, but don't let it propel you into a free fall. Delete all the messages now, and move on. A month ago, I realized that my phone stores all my deleted voice mails, and there were tons from my ex on there. I sort of panicked for a second then deleted them all immediately. You must remove all reminders of your ex. Do it quickly and business like. Don't think about it. Just delete everything, and throw it out. It's a necessary evil, but you need to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 OK, I deleted all messages. It was like 100 000 of them. It felt...weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 But I still remember her phone number and even if I didn't, I can look it up. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 But I still remember her phone number and even if I didn't, I can look it up. I still remember my ex's cell phone number. I actually still remember my ex's cell phone number from 12 years ago, but I don't know it that's still his number. Don't worry too much about it. Link to post Share on other sites
smileforelena Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 i can know my ex's number by heart still and its gonna be almost 9 months...sucks ei? but thats how it is...today i started to reminisce of how our easter holiday was last year and how it could have been this year...shaking it off everytime it comes... :,-( Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I'm in a similar place - over the past few days I've been having a rough time. Largely because she was my best friend, my confident, the person I'd ring up and call every day to share my life with and I'm having a hard time but there's nobody so close to call any more. She understood me and I understood her, it was real companionship...and it hurts to know that after a month or NC she's not bothered to reach out once. Not after 7 years of love. And that kind of cements the NC for me. The fact she's run in to someone else's arms so quickly and abandoned me tells me just how much sympathy I'm going to get from calling her. She doesn't give a ****. She gets that from her new man now - I've no place trying there, not even as a friend. I'd recommend trying the similar methodoly! Think - what's the worst thing you could get from breaking NC? What if they're with someone new and they pick up the phone? What if they just blank you entirely...how would that make you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
unagedtiger Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 i'm in the same boat. fearing this, i shredded and deleted everything about her on day 1. it's just in my good memory. i'm hoping this well get better soon. i see i'm not the only one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) This is getting weird. We broke up after she wanted more from me than I was giving to her. I thought I can do it, but some rough times came into my life and I coldn't; I become more closed and distant instead. And I know I hurt her. It must have been terribly bad for her. Now I was thinking about her. We had a conversation in my mind, I was explaining this to her and when I said I'm sorry and that I hope she can understand and forgive me...I started crying. It is like...I've never actually explained myslelf to her, she doesn't know what was happening with me. And it hurts. I would love her to know that, but I'm scared to break NC because it would hurt me again. How could I ruin it this much? Edited April 21, 2014 by cpbr Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 deleted... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cpbr Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) One more thing About a month ago I found out she was checking my Facebook three times in a week at least. Which is weird. When I went NC and unfriended her, my timeline was set to private...it was only a few weeks later I set some of the posts "Public" and added a link to my site with Google Analytics running. So I quess she was casually checking on me before just to see my profile picture. How come this is healthy for her new relationship? I'll check again this week if she is still watching me. But I know I'm obsessing too much. I didn't handle this thing properly at all... BTW, seeing her new BF posting some boring picture on Fb on Saturday night...felt quite good. I just hope he wasn't waiting for her to get out of the shower Edited April 22, 2014 by cpbr Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 If it bothers you that much that you're crying by not telling her, then let her know. You seem to be in just a bad place with NC as you would with contact. Just make sure you expect the wits and don't think it will lead you getting back together. And keep your dignity. You'll feel better about yourself in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
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