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I don't know how to let go...:( [update]


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I posted about my BU recently.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/471562-do-i-have-second-chance

 

It's been 3 weeks since I went NC but I really don't know how to let go and move on. Everyday my mind keeps replaying the last conversation we had and I keep thinking if he'll ever come back for me. It's difficult because he didn't tell me that it's over for good, so to me, there's some hope of reconciliation in future. His words 'we'll talk about it when I recover', 'you'd lost me forever/there's no turning back for me' (if I go talk to his pastor about us), 'not in my current state' for reconciliation, 'it's not fair for u if I asked you to wait, and if you want to try again, you can, but after I heal'... His words are haunting me everyday. It's a torture. I'm doing everything I can to distract myself, but I'm afraid. Afraid that it's really over for good. Afraid that he'll mean it when he said he's considering staying single for life, yet I'm afraid he'll like other girls. I wanted to make amends so badly but he doesn't want me to. It's killing me :( Am I putting too much hope? I really don't know anymore

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learning_slowly

If somebody keeps you hanging like that, do you want to be with them?

 

I have been that person before and did not realise what I was doing. Now I know how bad it is :(

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If somebody keeps you hanging like that, do you want to be with them?

 

I have been that person before and did not realise what I was doing. Now I know how bad it is :(

 

What was your situation like?

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smileforelena

hi jalfy i know how it feels when what you want is not what the other person wants. it makes you feel desperate and helpless and questioning yourself whether you are thinking right. and the saddest part is you cannot force people to see the hope that you see.

you are investing a lot of hope in it. and that will make it much more difficult to let go. it is tough. there is no other way to put it. it is very scary to live life without that person who we expected would be there always, and it is scary to start over. anything that we cannot wrap our mind around is scary. change is scary. but at this point its inevitable and necessary for us to do it. i know what you mean by distracting yourself and it seems like just going through the motions like a zombie but your mind and heart are still the same place where you need to move from. i was there. and it felt like forever. like time just decided to go against you too. when the thoughts used to come and stay and play over and over and over and it made me feel helpless so i allowed it to push me down that dark deep pit of darkness. but i got tired. there is only so much you can take and then you push back. to be honest i dont know what made me push back but i remember being soooo tired of feeling depressed and defeated. like what people say when you reach the bottom there is no other way but up..i think that was it. no big reason its just the other only available option.

what down what you are afraid of and why..then dig deep and write why you shouldnt be afraid of it. after the BU, I used to think I lost the one and that was it for me. I saw all my flaws and decided that I wouldnt see the desire to have my own family come to pass. I saw everything that was wrong. I never considered what was wrong in the relationship why it had to end and i allowed the ex to be on that pedestal I put him on to stay there untouchable. But time came when the light bulb finally came on. I cannot change what happened I cannot change people's minds and their feelings towards me...If they can leave just like that it was better it happened when it happened. And the ex is off the pedestal. im starting to see how he is not who i made him to be in my head and like his usual excuse - he is just human.

you have to choose. know that it will hurt it will be scary but you have to make a choice whether you are staying in that state of constant confusion or you will move forward. actively distract yourself. do not just be physically distracted engage your mind. at this time you are your biggest cheerleader, your best counselor, your comforter, your biggest motivator. see life as a gift and you only partly opened it. you didnt like a little bit of it but there is alot more to unwrap and discover.

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learning_slowly

Once, I had a girl waiting in the wings for 3 years, deciding what I should do.

Imagine knowing you wasted 3 years of that persons life. I can honestly say I would have preferred a short prison sentance rather than the realisation of what I did.

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learning_slowly

I did, but a few months too late. Life has a sense of humour, and her and I paid the price at different times.

 

She seems happy now, so it could be worse.

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I posted about my BU recently.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/471562-do-i-have-second-chance

 

I wanted to make amends so badly but he doesn't want me to. It's killing me :( Am I putting too much hope? I really don't know anymore

 

I can relate to you so much. I am going through the same things. My ex and i broke up back in September 2013 we were back and forth for about two months until he ended it completely because i wanted a definite answer about us. He gave me different excuses of why we broke up. Ultimately when he left I felt the same way you did. I felt that there was hope, but as time went by and I saw him further away from me, one day I had to let him go for my own sake. I would cry myself to sleep night after night, feeling guilty day after day and wishing he'd come back. You have to kill all hope and try to move on. If he comes back one day, it is then that you decide whether it is worth trying to work it out. I gave up and one day he came back, but we're at square one where he inst sure what he wants.He says he loves me, but doesn't want to go back to our fights and issues. I try to change in some things, but its hard. My advices is work on you and making yourself happy. Don't sit around waiting on him because he may or may never come back.

 

Stay strong and hope things get better for you.

Xoxo

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Posted about my BU previously (see my previous threads).

 

After three months of indecision on his part, he finally told me that it's over and he never ever want back. In our previous conversation, he broke down saying that he needed to heal from the hurts that he was facing in his career life (lost his career after being sabotaged by his friend) and he asked me to give him time to heal. He told me previously that it wasn't fair for me if he asked me to wait, and that he might take years to heal, and i could try again after he has healed He said we'll talk about reconciliation after he recover. Three weeks later, I sent him an email asking him if he really meant what he said about trying again if he has healed, or was our relationship over for good. That was when he said it's over.

 

I'm really broken and hurt by him. Over the course of three months, we went through a reconciliation only to be broken again by him because he wasn't in the state to commit. And then him wanting to be friends and taking things slowly before making a decision. And finally to him breaking down saying that he's afraid of me that I'll hurt him and he couldn't give what I wanted. I don't understand, why he had to take so long for him to tell me it's over for good. Why, when he broke down in front me, he couldn't just tell me that he never want back, but instead gave me the hope that we might reconcile after he has healed. And to think all these months I continued loving him and all, but he just brutally throw me aside instead of appreciating my love for me.

 

I've talked to one of his close friend who advised me to move on because he's not in a state to be in a relationship. I also left another message to his close friend from another social circle, who didn't reply after seeing it, and I guess he must have told her to ignore me. I feel very rejected and very unappreciated by him, and so I sent him an email telling him that it's his loss that he lost a person like me who loved him despite his flaws and that all he's ever done was to run away from our problems and never reflecting on the hurt that he has caused me.

 

I've never felt so hurt before and now I'm trying to be strong and all, but I'm afraid I'll break down again one day. I'm afraid of loving again and I'm afraid that I will never get over him. Even though I kind of hate him a little, I know that deep down I still love him and still believed that he's a good person. I'm just trying to hold on to my hatred towards him so that it's easier for me to move on and let go.

 

I don't understand why would anyone do such a thing. Any advice??

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Simon Phoenix

Honestly, the why doesn't matter. It just serves as torture. Even if you did know why, then what? Do you really want to try to bargain and manipulate another person into feeling something for you? Do you really want to bend yourself into something disingenuous and uncomfortable for a person who is lukewarm toward you?

 

You need to stop worrying about the why and accept the result -- that he doesn't want to be with you -- at face value. Because results matter, not motivations. Motivations can change and odds are, he'll give you some sort of bs answer to either a) try to put you down gently or b) keep you on the hook.

 

I know it's hard to not analyze, but analyzing this will do nothing but cause you to rip your hair out and go insane. Respect his wishes and give him what he wants -- stay away and out of contact. Even if he tries to talk to you, do not answer. Don't allow your heart to be a tennis ball being smacked back and forth.

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You are right that motivations don't matter. It's been such a emotional whirlwind these three months. I still miss him and am reminded of our memories when I see certain stuff, but now I doubt our love was even real. I can never understand why even a nice guy like him would do such things to hurt to me.

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Once, I had a girl waiting in the wings for 3 years, deciding what I should do.

Imagine knowing you wasted 3 years of that persons life. I can honestly say I would have preferred a short prison sentance rather than the realisation of what I did.

 

if it makes you feel any better, I had a guy who had been "waiting in the wings" for 4 years without any encouragement from me. I didn't even realise and thought he was over it until my old social group hung out before I flew off to live in another country. He had been to counselling, everything. I felt terrible at first, but then, I had NEVER given him any indication that we would get back together, I had been very clear that it was over way back when it was over, and we had barely spoken since then. It was entirely hope of his own creation.

 

of course it's another matter if you keep resurfacing in that person's life and being all "sup, I love you" which unfortunately, I have had an ex do. But even then....it was ME who had to make the decision to move on. He was clearly enjoying the games, so I had to be the one who put a stop to it.

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of course it's another matter if you keep resurfacing in that person's life and being all "sup, I love you" which unfortunately, I have had an ex do. But even then....it was ME who had to make the decision to move on. He was clearly enjoying the games, so I had to be the one who put a stop to it.

 

Yes in my case he was the one who wanted to be friends and taking things slowly before making a decision. I really believed that he didn't want to cut off ties completely but yet at the same time, wasn't in the state of mind to be in a relationship. I guess at the end of it he chose to call it off completely. Things would have been easier if he had told me the relationship was over for good in the first place

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