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How do you really deal with the feelings?


camelbakx

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Hello! I'm new here. I've recently been going through a bit of a hard time and thought maybe somebody could help me. I'm a bit embarassed about this situation as I feel I should be moving on or not feeling as bad about this as I do, but alas, I do.

 

Anyway, my ex and I started dating in high school, did the whole high school sweetheart thing, thought we were going to be together forever, get married, etc. However, the relationship was unable to grow up with us. We both went to college, fought excessively and I guess looking back on it we both might have been a bit immature to be in a relationship. I was admittedly clingy and I'm sure that put him off. He however was extremely short with me and made me feel horrible about everything. It wasn't good.

 

We broke up. He broke up with me to be exact. We would have been going on almost 3 years and he said he didn't love me anymore after having a conversation with his mom and sister he realized how unhappy he was and how much I was bringing him away from his family and away from God. (I'm an atheist, this I also believe played some part in it.)

 

Anyway, we did the usual no contact for a few weeks, contact, no contact, etc. I finally did complete NC about 2 years ago. He texted me a few times but I deleted them or ignored them and went about my life. I ended up in the hosptial around a year ago. I had major surgery and when I was on all my pain killers, I was having a bad night and I called him. I was scared and had nobody there at the time and it seemed logical. We talked for about five minutes and he asked if I wanted to get coffee when I was mroe up to it. I agreed but we never actually did anything. I called him once more in my recovery for whatever reason and he said something along the lines of "I can't pretend to be friends anymore." We hadn't talked in a year other than the time I called him from the hospital and the second time I did. It was a mistake on my part to have called him a second time but I thought maybe we could make things work. (I was a hopeful thinker but alas.) We've been NC since then, roughly another year.

 

Anyway, I've pretty much convienced myself that I've moved on. However, it seems like the thought of him is never far from my mind. It might be because I live in a small town where we both grew up. It might be that he was my first love. I don't know. I seem to miss him all the time though. Most days it's not much but I feel like it's an absence that I just can't figure out.

 

I was looking through some "suggested friends" on facebook the other day and found one of a girl I ahd gone to school with, looked through some of her pictures, surprise! Turns out she's now dating my ex and it was a punch to the stomach. I literally felt sick. Is this super pathetic? It's not like I went searching for things to do with him. His number is blocked on my phone, his facebook is blocked, same with any of his family members.

 

I've been trying really hard to move on, I've met a really nice guy and we've gone out a few times and I feel like I should be more excited about this. I like him but I find myself comparing him to my ex boyfriend and I don't know.

 

How do I deal with any of this? I need to be over my ex boyfriend. He was my first love and all of that but surely it shouldn't be this hard? I know there is no chance of us being together and we're so much better apart, we wouldn't even be good friends but I miss him. I really do.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Also, if you read through all of this, thank you so much, it feels good just go get this off my chest.

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smileforelena

hey camel

 

i have been on both sides of the fence. i left someone in a previous relationship and was left by the ex in the more recent relationship. the previous relationship was 8 years but it didnt hurt or dragged on as much as the recent one which only lasted a year. i said that to say that sometimes its the connection we make with the other person or how much we loved ourselves when we were with that other person that dictates how much we can move on from it. so for me, i am learning to accept that the ex of the 1 yr relationship would just be part of me and i cannot change that. it will definitely be easier if i can just push that at the very bottom of the closet and forget all together but right now thats not where i am (its been 8 months since BU) so i learning to accept instead of fighting the feelings that come up like missing him ...there are days that the whole thing makes me tired so i know that eventually this whole thing will just get old and have to be dumped somewhere far from access.

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sometimes its the connection we make with the other person or how much we loved ourselves when we were with that other person that dictates how much we can move on from it.

 

I think there's something to this. I think given your ex's reactions to your contact, they weren't 100% over you either.

 

I'm a firm believer that the truly deep connections we make with some people last a lifetime inside of us.

 

As for your current feelings with your new boyfriend - you need to be very honest about this. If thoughts of your ex keep becoming a problem, it will destroy your new relationship. I unfortunately don't have any answers for you given that the relationship was years ago and it's still inside you in some material way. I know for sure that I'll NEVER forget my ex but then my circumstances were quite different.

 

Perhaps when thoughts of your ex keep coming up, reinforce your mind by reminding yourself of the negatives in the relationship. The days when he was really short with you, the choices he made to leave you etc...

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