anybody else having a not-so-good coping day?

[smileforelena]

Its been 8 months. I did NC for the first 3 or 4 months but now I occasionally speak to him who works in the same place. He left me for his long time crush. He told me she is the one and he is happy. I dont look for him and I avoid him when I can. But he finds me. He flirts with me, shares his future plans (not including his plans for gf), wants to hang out with me (not in public). A few times I followed my emotions and we end up getting intimate. But for every time it happened its like he is losing his shine.

 

I started realizing that although he had qualities that I really admire Im also seeing how we are on different levels (Im 3 years older than him if thats relevant) when it comes to maturity and understanding and how our views on things doesnt really mesh anymore (or maybe it never did). I started seeing that although generally speaking we value the same things the lifestyle he choose to live is a little to constricting for me.

 

But I hate it that I still feel like he is special. Im a closed up person. I dont easily trust and let people in my life. He came into my life after I came out of a divorce. I was vulnerable then and his attention and time meant so much to me that I fell into it fast. I was cautious but I opened up to him totally. And Im thinking that maybe this is the reason why a break up from a 1 year old relationship feel so much painful than an 7 yr marriage.

 

So am I healing or I need to put in more work into this to get over?

[smileforelena]

Maybe I am not consistent at trying hard enough because as much as I dont want to admit it Im still hoping for that very slim chance of getting back what we had. NC worked for me the first 3 or 4 months after BU. Looking back I think it was my pain, hurt and anger that motivated me to do NC. I was a mess and I was trying hard to get some dignity back (he is a co worker).

 

After the 4 months he started reaching out and asking to be friends. I tried (and I still do) but its not working. I get hurt with any information about him that doesnt include me.

 

Breaking NC and my wall of defense is the worst thing I did in this whole process. Right now its a bigger struggle as we are back to talking at work and sometimes we end up getting intimate. I regret this because I know we can never get back together. And sadly we can never be the close friends we were when we just started.

 

He told me last night that he feel like he is going crazy thinking about me some days and he cannot figure out what it is about me. He told me that when he hears my voice at work he would stop what he's doing just to get a glimpse of me. Hearing this gives me false hope. So as much as its sooo sweet to hear these from him I have to keep telling myself that this means nothing. He always tells me he loves his gf and they are meant to be.

 

URG!! I just want to be out of this. And I know its a decision that I need to make. I want to do this for my own sanity. This is not going anywhere. Its been 8 agonizing months. And Im sincerely praying that this will end soon.

[Cessius]

What line of work do you do?

 

Easiest way out would be to go back to NC and look for opportunities elsewhere. Explain to him that the mind games do not work for you and you made your choices with him and your future clear when you both broke up.

[smileforelena]

I'm in finance and administration. And I have thought of leaving and have sent out a few application. Im also considering moving to another country. This is becoming toxic. I told him that (when he just started reaching out after the BU) and I was adamant that we can never be friends and that I do not trust him to tell him anything about me. But I breakdown all the time. I'm slowly able to put him off the pedestal I put him on but I really care for him.

 

Thanks Cessius

[Cessius]

That's why we are all here to help each other out. I know it is always clear for me how to solve others issues but I can never see my own. Hopefully one of the applications work out. I go to school with my ex (now 2 weeks) and have to admit seeing them daily or even once a week is not worth it.

 

She graduates in 2 months so I won't have to deal with it after that point but the day to day stuff that you put yourself through is terrible. Although I have kept NC with her. The thought of being her friend again after trying to hurt me so bad is out of the question. I don't know how or why you broke up but there are too many people in the world to limit yourself to hand full of people that don't make you happy. Distance yourself as much as you can, use LS to vent when you need and make yourself a better person!!!

 

It sounds hard, and it is, but it is what you have to do to find someone that truly accepts and loves you for who you are!

[smileforelena]

it is not easy. but it is doable. I did it before. I believe that things will get better and all of these will be just part of a past. I am looking forward to this day. I am starting NC again and I know that staying away is for my benefit.

 

 

It is true what you said that it is easier to tell others what to do. My issue is actually doing it and not just thinking it.

[Jiivy]

It's a really tough situation to be working closely with your ex. The fact that you're still connecting with him and having sex whilst he's involved with someone else is a HUGE problem.

 

A useful technique I've been learning is that of referencing. Let me explain:

 

The idea is to take yourself out of the context of the situation and view the current events as an outside observer. This way, you stand a better chance of having an objective view of things - are you progressing? Is this healthy? etc etc.

 

One way you could do this is by imagining your relationship with your ex and the current situation is happening not you, but to a pair of friends that you know. If you know a couple that work together then it's going to be easier - if you don't....just pretend!

 

In stead of picturing the events with yourself in them in your imagine, take a step back and imagine you're a movie director watching a film set. Your friends Lisa & John are acting out your situation with you ex...what do you think about Lisa & John's situation as the director? Do you think it's ok for John to be sleeping with Lisa whilst he has a new person? What do you think of Lisa's involvment?

 

...you get the idea. It's helped me to deliver some kind of hard truths to myself about how I'm handling my BU. It's not an easy thing or a nice thing to do...but it's powerful and might help you answer some of your questions.

[smileforelena]

Thanks Jivvy

 

 

I have do this (referencing) although I didn't know the term for it. When I do I feel so bad about myself. I am the biggest hypocrite because I know I wouldn't be able to take it if my bf is cheating on me. There is no excuse. I used to say people just don't understand because they are not in the situation but now I see this as part of being a grown up. Being able to control yourself because it is the moral thing to do. And feelings is the worse basis of decisions.

 

 

Im learning to forgive myself. Not giving myself some sorry reasoning why I was letting it happen. And Im taking my power back. I usually put it on the ex because he would instigate the flirting, the conversations, etc and I convinced myself that I just fall and it was hard to resist. Tough love is what I need to implement on myself. \

 

 

I know that this is unhealthy. That this leads to nowhere. And finally that what we had is totally over.

 

 

This sounds soo good.

[smileforelena]

Just venting....

 

For some reason today its a challenge to shake off the thoughts coming up. cant help thinking how happy he is with her. why it took him just a few months to decide to marry her. he wants it to happen so much he is so focused on buying a house for them and starting his business to support the family..urg!!

i know i shouldnt know about these things but i do because he told me. urg! i shouldnt have been firm that i cannot be friends with him. i should have stuck to NC all throughout. this is dragging and dragging. these days i tell myself to "just get over it". theres nothing else that can be done.

 

"...when someone walks away from you let them walk...it means their destiny is not tied up to yours.... cannot keep on holding on to someone who has already moved on with their lives...." i need to live mine....

 

anyone knows where to get a get over pill...lol

[somegoodman]

Yeah, I'm having a bad day too. I've been No Contact for 23 days now and while I don't feel any worse, I certainly don't feel any better.

 

 

She has done strange things like sending me pictures of her and our dog with no explanation. I ignored that. Thought that would give me the "upper hand", but nope, now I just wish I had responded some how.

 

 

I really try to move forward, keep my mind occupied, etc. But everything just feels so empty and dark.

[srobson321]

Same as you bad day today.. Well weekend really! I guess it is the Easter holiday so I been thinking I would have usually been making plans for me and her this weekend... Instead I get told her and her new guy and bump were in town with her family going for a meal etc people can't help but tell you can they...

 

Whilst I am stuck at home 29 on my own because option a) brother had his kids

B) my two best mates have just had babies So can't expect them to come out for a drink and option c)my other good friend is kind of a bum who drinks in a deadbeat pub out of town! Not my scene at all! So frustrating my life seems a bit of a standstill whilst I'm hearing she is strutting around giving off the impression of happiness..

 

I thought I'd never hear me say it but I can't wait to go back to work on Tuesday!

[somegoodman]

 

I thought I'd never hear me say it but I can't wait to go back to work on Tuesday!

 

 

 

Same here, can't wait to get back to work to avoid the loneliness.

[Jiivy]

I'm right here with you. Past few days have been horrific. We used to be so connected, we used to share everything - now all I have is my engagement ring and a box of her stuff to replace the hole she left after 7 years.

 

I don't even want to know what her and the new guy are up to...My head tells me it's done - cut her out. You DON'T need this **** and my heart continues to scream out for her, close to two months since she discarded me.

 

I suppose what's comforting in some morbid way is that it's not just me down here in the dark. I've got you amazing people to keep me company...

[roger136913]

Smile,

 

There is so pill LOL...My first Holiday in 28 years without the Mrs...I decided to go out and get a sub, well Subway was closed, then Burger King is gone LOL. I gave up, walking aimlessly had me feeling disconnected. But I got out

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Me too.. What is it about this weekend!! x

[learning_slowly]

I think I'm going to start an Easter lonely hearts club. The reason you can't deal with it is because Christmas and Easter are holidays which are longer and you would have most probably spent more time with your ex.

 

You have 7 months to be with somebody new by Christmas. So work on forgetting as fast as possible. No contact, new activities etc.

 

Otherwise there will be a repeat of these feelings.

 

As a backup make sure you have a Christmas with others.

 

Good luck.

[smileforelena]

please dont take this the wrong way but thank you guys for sharing....not that im glad that we are all feeling down but like Jiivy said it helps that Im not in a unique situation...

the thoughts came and went ...like an annoying throbbing headache. well it still wants to come but nah im not wasting the last day of easter holiday wondering about someone not wondering about me. so big plan for tomorrow go for a two mile run in the morning, hit the beach for a couple of hours (a maybe as there might be too many people with this same plan), bathe my dog, crash at a friend's house for a late lunch then meet up with a friend to watch a show (im really not interested but...its part of shaking myself)...so there...lets go people im challenging all of you who posted to post what you can be doin tomorrow...

[dwerli]

Yes, sometimes misery does love company.

 

It is a tough day. The wondering...the wondering...the wondering. The mind can be a dangerous thing.

[queida]

Yes, actually my whole week has not been good. I broke no contact with my ex about a week ago after not being in contact for 45 days. Even though I was the dumper. I text him and got a friendly response, but it wasn't the response I was looking for. After the short text conversation that I ended I got all panicky because he told me to text him and say hi anytime and I said you do the same. Why did I say that? because even though I dumped him I still have feelings for him. The only reason I dumped him is because the distance thing (he lived about an hour 15 minutes away from me) and we both knew it wasn't going to work out in the long run, so I broke up with him.

 

 

I wish I never broke no contact because even though it was a good reply I expected a total different outcome and all I did was reopen the wounds and now I am back to feelings like **** again. Do not break no contact if you still have feelings for the person. It will set you back to square one!

[dwerli]

Yes, actually my whole week has not been good. I broke no contact with my ex about a week ago after not being in contact for 45 days. Even though I was the dumper. I text him and got a friendly response, but it wasn't the response I was looking for. After the short text conversation that I ended I got all panicky because he told me to text him and say hi anytime and I said you do the same. Why did I say that? because even though I dumped him I still have feelings for him. The only reason I dumped him is because the distance thing (he lived about an hour 15 minutes away from me) and we both knew it wasn't going to work out in the long run, so I broke up with him.

 

 

I wish I never broke no contact because even though it was a good reply I expected a total different outcome and all I did was reopen the wounds and now I am back to feelings like **** again. Do not break no contact if you still have feelings for the person. It will set you back to square one!

 

Yes, good advice. Thank you for the reminder as to why we should be strong with NC.

[srobson321]

I'm right here with you. Past few days have been horrific. We used to be so connected, we used to share everything - now all I have is my engagement ring and a box of her stuff to replace the hole she left after 7 years.

 

I don't even want to know what her and the new guy are up to...My head tells me it's done - cut her out. You DON'T need this **** and my heart continues to scream out for her, close to two months since she discarded me.

 

I suppose what's comforting in some morbid way is that it's not just me down here in the dark. I've got you amazing people to keep me company...

 

Wow your position sounds like mine my friend, 7 years together, engaged now stuck with the ring, she gets together with new guy, 6 weeks after separating and gets pregnant straight away!

Your not on your own, 7 years is a long time, how the hell we both are coping I don't know, but I hope your doing better than I am. Though everybody tells me I'm doing really well, I guess they must see it because deep down I'm screaming out to her.. I guess I only have to hear the slightest little thing to set me back a few steps..