Trying to get my life back on track.

[ThatKidBilly]

Hey guys, I'm in a desperate situation.

 

In short I don't know what's going on in my life anymore, everything has been building for a few years now so I've now succumb to posting my life story on the internet for help, the joy. I'll try put the basics.

 

First off, while I was in school I wasn't technically liked, I got mixed in with a guy who became my best friend, but he was toxic and mocked me about a lot of things; relationships, girls, my weight, my hair, my teeth, my family, everything under the sun which put down my confidence immensely. I chose to grit my teeth and stick with it until I was 16 and left school, then drop him and start fresh. Throughout my school years I wasn't exactly popular, if anything I was hated because of malicious lies my "toxic" friend had spread, I never had many friends except him and 3 other guys.

 

These three others were alright, but two I didn't particually like seeing they acted off throwing stuff in lessons even wrestling at lunch, It was a fairly slow few years to say the least. The third guy I would say was actually alright, he was arrogant and was a bit of a player but we got on alright in and out of school, became best friends but hardly talked outside unless there was something important. (More on this later)

 

Skip forward a few years (2011) and here in England it was coming on track for our GCSE exams, we all were to brake up in June with our exams in May, everything was going alright. Come April 19th, as usual my toxic best friend asked me to come out and spend the day seeing he's bored, I agreed and surprisingly my other best friend joined along, that put off the pressure of two guys spending a day out as around this time I was increasingly fed up with my toxic friend, just waiting for that moment to leave school to kick him loose.

 

Anyway, on that day we had a decent time, but it was the usual go to the local mall, walk around, do whatever, go home. Except we chose to hang around the local park, it wasn't out of the ordinary but rare we do such a thing. Time passed and it was now 5 minutes past 10, It was getting late and it was pitch black outside, still just us three sat there talking about anything that came to mind in this small enclosed park. Then, two much older guys came in, they approached us asking for a "light" (Basically a lighter, English slang for you) then things turned hostile. They picked on me seeing i was keeping my cool about the situation, then dragged all 3 of us to the far side of the park and attacked us, they punched us, kicked us, spat in our faces, kicked our legs to fall over then repeatedly kicked our heads into the side gate, anything. After a bit of a struggle me and a friend wanted to fight back, it didn't work out and the guy pulled a knife to my neck, and punched me square in the face about fifteen times.

 

Skipping forward, all 3 of us were now on the floor in pain. I remember him saying "Nah that's not enough" and picked us up, he dragged us outside the park towards a wooded area with his friend helping me up, I remember him saying "He does this to a lot of people, it will be over soon, he just wants to show people to fight back". I'll skip over some other bits, my decent best friend ran to get help so it was me and my toxic best friend, they forced us to sit down on glass demanding our street addresses and where the money is kept in our houses (I was the only one smart enough to fake my address), they pummeled us some more and smashed both mine and my friends hands with a wooden log found lying on the floor, I remember collapsing watching them run into the distance, I couldn't do anything but lie there with the monumental pain I was feeling ripping through me.

 

I spent the next two weeks in hospital, as from what I suspected my decent best friend who ran came to visit us both, he made these silly jokes that I'm going to wake up with a hard on in front of the nurse to "lighten the mood" along with my toxic best friend, It didn't do anything but made me feel worse. After a few days my toxic best friend was discharged, he didn't make any effort what so ever to contact me asking if I'm okay or anything, months later I found out in that time he was going around literally mocking me behind my back, saying how I deserved it and that I am making stuff up when he was going around saying he's Mr Action Hero when he didn't do anything, he had one broken finger, I had six, along with fractured knee and skull.

 

Sometime in June for my GCSE's as I was still unable to write, I came back into school to finish them off. Some of the people who looked down to me before looked up to me, I was approached asking if I was alright, even got a hug off a girl I had a crush on for a few months at the time, but didn't say half of what my toxic best friend was saying was false, even though he was lapping it up to get all the sympathy he can squeeze out. I pushed forward and kept going to weekly checkups for the next say 9 months, my life as far as I was concerned was over, I was in a severe depression and the fact my toxic best friend repeatedly mocked me asking to go out didn't help, after much fighting I told him for the final time I just can't until I'm better, he blocked me out his life completely for around 7 months, not even asking how I was or anything in that time. Nothing.

 

It was now 2012, my hands were reasonably better but I still couldn't do much with them, however I could walk now at least. I joined college to do a art course, I felt some form of creative outlet to express my feelings and emotions would of actually been beneficial to my mental health, including that back then I was on the verge of suicide. June came, and my decent best friend and I started talking a little more, after a bad joke as to say I joked that I need a girlfriend, oddly he set me up with his girlfriends best friend, she was this young amazing girl and I liked her, we started dating and that's how I had my first kiss with my first ever girlfriend.

 

It didn't exactly last long, with my poor mental health and inability to keep things going, we broke up a month and a half later. I kept around to try mend things, but that got me to be used and thrown aside when a month later she started dating another guy, things were said and as to say I cut my ties with both her, her best friend, and my now-ex best friend as he was also saying things behind my back helping her say how I was a pathetic boyfriend, none of her friends believed her. Ha!

 

Skip forward to the end of 2012, I decided that television is a sector I wanted to work in one day, so I enrolled in the same college's Media course. My toxic best friend started talking to me more on what I was doing and, oddly, then joined the same course in the same damn class because I was in there and "It'll be fun" when he has no genuine interest in television or media in general. It was exactly how I expected, he mucked around, spread ****, and was the cockiest ***hole on earth. Even going as far as to continue mocking me about any problem I have to my new colleagues, they disliked us both because of him as to say. It was also around this time I got suicidal again, up until December I met this girl online who lives in the city over, she was gorgeous, but I backed away from her as she was dating some other kid.

 

Time passed, then in February me and this girl started talking even more, it turned out she dumped this guy back in December as he was bullying her, even sending her death threats daily after the breakup to force her to go back with him. My toxic best friend heard I started talking to another girl, and as per usual like every girl I get close to started trying to befriend her so she would fall in love with him, even messaging her saying want to go on a double date with me, him, and his girlfriend, thankfully she said no because she could tell what he was trying to do and blocked him. (Phew..)

 

Then come May 2013, me and her met up for the first time for a date by the seaside. Everything was so perfect with her I felt like I found "The One" for me, every one of our goals were similar, we liked the same things, we had the same humor, we connected on such a high level I truly felt like I fell in love, this was my first real relationship and for the first time since what happened that night in the park, I actually woke up each morning happy to be alive. However, things took a turn for the worst.

 

A month later in June, she opened up about her past with guys, including how bad her ex she dumped back in December treated her. I'll keep it brief but he raped her without her consent, bullied her into taking off her clothes, doing the deed and forcing her on her life to not tell anybody, she did out of fear. I felt so bad that happened, but I was over it given a month to fully grieve somebody would even do that to her. It was also around this time my Media course ended, I've given my toxic EX best friend the boot and I was happily settled in to this new relationship.

 

Still in June, I met her best friend whom she's been friends with for a long time but has a reputation for being dodgy when it comes to her best friends and new boys, I chose to just see how it goes. Then to my dismay her parents found out about me, they said to her that she should wait a year past her studies until she's ready for a full relationship. (She's a year younger than me) But she was under a lot of stress at that moment in time, we met up for one last time then chose to keep the relationship running online until we can see each other again, which was waiting until February 2014.

 

Over the next few weeks things slowly started to build down, I did everything I could to keep the love going but I could tell she was obviously bothered by this sudden change as much as I was. Her best friend didn't technically help, she made these jibes and suggestions about just breaking it off then even lying saying she was seeing an ex behind my back, I was obviously troubled, but I trusted her enough to know she wasn't doing anything as I know her best friend makes up lies like that to get all of her attention. I found out sometime later she was saying similar stuff to her too, such as I was sleeping with HER behind my own girlfriends back, that I have more than one girl on the go at once, etc. I turned 18 around this time.

 

Things progressively got out of hand, then come September we broke up. I enrolled in the higher level Media course so at the start I literally had no time to cope with both that and the breakup, but I did my damnedest. My smile disappeared, and so did the one girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, to this day still believe that we still are a highly compatible couple and if there is another chance of a reconciliation we can last much longer, years even. I NC'd for a month, then after opened back up the lines of communication, November onwards things were loose, but I followed a guide which said to do a complete overhaul of yourself, basically a 2.0 of what makes you, you. She rather liked the changes, but still acted distant even saying to me one time she's scared to get close to me again until she knows everything is okay between us again. This is also when she got tangled up with a player so I postponed plans of a reconciliation, I was still severely depressed.

 

Come January, we started to talk a lot more, conversation went onto our breakup and we calmly talked about what exactly went wrong and why, we both brought to light how her friend was making up these malicious lies and we were both scared at the time on what the other would say, she said she regretted breaking up with me and I feel we got a lot of closure from everything said. I was happy for a little while, but that dimmed down as my attempts to find a new girlfriend elsewhere weren't successful.

 

I'll skip forward until March, she came out of a long distance relationship with this player (They dated a month) as he used and dropped her for another girl, over the past few months since January we stopped getting as close so as of then things were loose. A week or two after they broke up, we started to talk more. Things were on a good level and I told her I liked her, she was happy but after some time things died down as she couldn't find the time for a relationship at that moment, which reluctantly I've accepted.

 

My life is a mess, not because of my ex but because of everything, I've managed to keep things loose with her and she said she's open to giving us another chance one day, but not right now so that's not a problem. The problem itself is my life as it stands, these past 5 years have been hell for me, one of the many reasons to why I have posted this is yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of what happened in that park, of which my life has been in turmoil since.

 

I'm just here to try find some words of encouragement to help me get my life back on track, I'm going to keep my ex (Also to some degree my only friend) away until I can work on this, to be a much much better guy than I ever was, which I will need seeing I turn 19 this year and have missed out on a hell of a lot for the past few years.

 

So I come here, a random internet forum to find some help. I feel to some degree my life was turned upside down from the incident those years ago, I still find making new friends hard but I am comfortable once I am acquainted to some degree. I am finding life hard to bare with, the thought of suicide has been looming over me for too long now, I want to be free again.

 

Thanks to all who reply, to reiterate i don't want back my ex for a while yet, I rather help myself than jump back into anything just yet.

Edited April 20, 2014 by ThatKidBilly

[Itspointless]

Hi there, that was a long story. You do not need to try to make yourself better, you are as I imagine good as you are. Work on your self-esteem instead. Some day you will notice that the sun will begin to shine again. Then you also will find people who want to be with you for who you are.

[ThatKidBilly]

Hi there, that was a long story. You do not need to try to make yourself better, you are as I imagine good as you are. Work on your self-esteem instead. Some day you will notice that the sun will begin to shine again. Then you also will find people who want to be with you for who you are.

 

I believe my self confidence is part of the issue, with how everything has been dubbed down to me in recent years since starting high school and now college, a lot of experiences have been taken away from me to mentally grow as a actual individual.

 

With my toxic friend still gone my life has been progressively better, but if not lonesome. But I would guess to get back some self confidence a group of new friends will help me, just finding that courage for consistency I feel, to find people that do want to have me around as a friend and have days out to town or the beach or something, I've not properly had that in so long. It's a workable progress, but I hope the sun will shine for me one day, hopefully.

 

My ex has been the closest I have had to that, arguably she has been the closest I've ever had to a real friend, but I rather work through these problems independently away from her to avoid the 'best friend' label as I would like another chance at a relationship, not delve head first into the friendzone. Things are okay at the moment, we are in basic contact and I do feel she would like to give 'us' another shot one day, but I don't really want to keep hanging around like I have done waiting, I rather get myself better mentally first and see what's out there.

 

It's just, everything has been a constant battle for the past few years, I've not had sex, I've not gone more than kissing a girl, and in the past few years under these circumstances I have missed out on more opportunities than I do want to admit. I have been in a severe depression for too long, I don't want to keep waking up feeling like I want to die, I want to have a reason to smile, I want to live my life.

 

I think I may just need therapy for a long while to get me back on my feet, I'll see how it goes.

Edited April 21, 2014 by ThatKidBilly

[Itspointless]

It's just, everything has been a constant battle for the past few years, I've not had sex, I've not gone more than kissing a girl, and in the past few years under these circumstances I have missed out on more opportunities than I do want to admit.

You know I could have written this sentence when I was your age. A very different situation as my mother already had been ill for a couple of years and died that year. I luckily had some good friends but you seem to have an healthy dose of energy. Therapy and an outgoing spirit will surely get you friends and those experience you want. Life sometimes has its periods and you just came from a pretty dark part. The good part is that you can use these experiences to your advantage. Perhaps it is not fair, but for the most part we can't chose which path we have to walk.

 

Try to find opportunities to meet people like clubs, perhaps some welfare work: there must be initiatives in your neighbourhood for people who are lonely. Loneliness - especially with young people - is a big underestimate social problem in many countries these days.

 

Keep going my friend life will not always be this dark.

[ThatKidBilly]

Sorry to hear that bud, I guess life has both the good and the bad, it's how we handle them is one of the lessons of life I would assume.

 

I do believe I have a healthy dose of energy too, I do have a good heart and a decent view on life, but with these current and past situations rattling on all at once It's becoming difficult for me to cope. I am coping better than I was, but the whole depression phase lingers over me still, I feel I just need the confidence to get my life back on track.

 

I'll try to do that, within my new college higher level media class I'm usually quiet and stick to myself, I would like to try breach out of my comfort zone and talk to these colleagues, I'll try to spice up some friendly conversation tomorrow and see how that goes.

 

Many thanks man, I'm just going to try continue pressing forward and try get my life on track. In the past few hours I was looking up therapy classes and my college offers one conveniently a few hours a day, I'm going to try book some hours a week on break and see how that goes.

 

I'm just tired waking up and feeling nothing but sadness, I want a reason to wake up and smile, I want a reason to be happy. I'll just keep working on that.

[ThatKidBilly]

Hey guys, subtle update story to follow up with in case anybody see's this thread and wanted to know the outcome.

 

Well, to say the least, not that much has changed. I'm still finding life at home and college difficult, the thoughts of suicide still linger around.

 

But things have been improving, I've become closer to 4 guys in my class which have now invited me to come to the cinema with them and two girls next week, these two girls aren't in my class but I do see them around college, one even ran up to me and asked for a picture with me yesterday.

 

I'm pleased as the last time I've ever done something like this was anywhere between 2-3 years ago, I'm not going to count the movie date me and my ex had last year, but I still enjoyed that. Talking about my ex; we started to drift a little due to some miscommunication issues, I may elaberate but I would probably make another forum post explaining the issue. (I think both of us are just stubborn to be close to one another, she says she's insecure, and I am too to some extent as when I was a little more outspoken, it lead onto our constant fights)

 

Anyway, I'll just see where this leads, thanks everybody.

[Itspointless]

Hey man, good to read that you are making plans and socialize. It is not important if they will be friends, it will get you positive experiences. Give yourself time and enjoy the night out next week.