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Why?


Johnson1

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Why is it that before I told my wife that I wanted a separation I had the urge to go out and meet people and have fun (and did for a few weeks), but now that she's gone I don't have the urge to go anywhere? I just sit around, sad, lonely, worried and miserable? The whole reason I started going out was to try to get some fun out of life and gain enough self confidence to move on from a loveless marriage, and I thought I had, but it seems to have backfired. :(

Edited by Vocals5
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Why is it that before I told my wife that I wanted a separation I had the urge to go out and meet people and have fun (and did for a few weeks), but now that she's gone I don't have the urge to go anywhere? I just sit around, sad, lonely, worried and miserable? The whole reason I started going out was to try to get some fun out of life and gain enough self confidence to move on from a loveless marriage, and I thought I had, but it seems to have backfired. :(

 

Because you tried to stop an entire flood with a sand bag. No idea about you or your marriage and life in general but what you were doing is temporarily pushing everything to the side rather that dealing with them. The going out was a distraction, nothing more. Step back and look at your life. Look at the changes, stresses, disappointments etc. and start dealing with them. Even if the separation is ultimately the best thing for you both, there is always some feeling of failure, anger over this wasn't how it was suppose to be, etc. You come home to an empty house and even if things were tense,just another presence in the house was better then an empty one. As uncomfortable as it is, embrace all the emotions...feel the hell out of them. If need be, call a bud or family member you feel like you can really talk to. And if that isn't an option for you then make an appointment with a shrink. A good one can help pinpoint things pretty quickly and provide guidance.

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Because you tried to stop an entire flood with a sand bag. No idea about you or your marriage and life in general but what you were doing is temporarily pushing everything to the side rather that dealing with them. The going out was a distraction, nothing more. Step back and look at your life. Look at the changes, stresses, disappointments etc. and start dealing with them. Even if the separation is ultimately the best thing for you both, there is always some feeling of failure, anger over this wasn't how it was suppose to be, etc. You come home to an empty house and even if things were tense,just another presence in the house was better then an empty one. As uncomfortable as it is, embrace all the emotions...feel the hell out of them. If need be, call a bud or family member you feel like you can really talk to. And if that isn't an option for you then make an appointment with a shrink. A good one can help pinpoint things pretty quickly and provide guidance.

 

Thanks. I am going to see if I can find a good therapist FOC through the state. God knows I can't afford one on my own, especially since I just lost my job a few days ago. I've have this pressure in the center of my head every day since then from over-stressing and worrying about my future and how I'm going to survive. All I do is pace the floor. But no matter what, I can't go back with her. I know it'll be ten times worse if I do (not that I'm even sure if she'd come back anyway).

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It'll be OK. You just have a lot on your plate and it will take time to re-group/re-direct but most importantly, re-new. If you are a religious person, you may find leaning more on your faith or reaching out to your church community can help a lot. Bottom line, you are still here. You woke up (trust me I get that can be painful some days), body seems to be functioning, coffee/tea or coke (whatever your morning beverage) still exist in the world and on a good day you have some in the house. Focusing on the existence and success of the smallest things (think gratitude) can also help dim the glare of the negatives.

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Thanks.

 

It's funny you should mention the church because that is what's helping my ex get through the separation. She practically lives at church. She quotes verses from the bible on her Facebook page, the whole nine yards, plus she's got my kids to come home to.

 

I WAS going to church before I told my wife I wanted a divorce. I went to the church my daughter and her husband go to (my wife goes to a different church). All 3 of them are baptists. My wife was catholic her whole life and so am I, but we never went. She didn't start going until my daughter became of age and started going to the baptist church, then she got hooked on it as much as my daughter did and they both became fanatics. My daughter actually had a dry wedding. Not even a drop of champagne (which was fine with me), but I just couldn't get into it as much as them. No matter what they'd never miss a Sunday, not unless they were deathly ill. I stopped going because if you miss a week or two at the baptist church they make you feel guilty for not being there (at least the one I went to with my daughter did) and wonder where you are. I'm not that devoted to it that I could keep up with them, so I stopped going. Although I might start going back to the catholic church again. They don't get all in your business and try to control every aspect of your life like the baptists do.

 

We'll see. I think finding a social group might be fun. I just have to find a good one that interests me. But first I have to worry about the job situation. The worrying never ends it seems. It's what's going to do me in for sure.

Edited by Vocals5
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